The Awakened Sleeper

Author's Note: I was a naughty author last chapter. I neglected to thank Pirate Queen, my awesome beta, for her help. Chapter 10 was very difficult to write, as you can imagine. Her real world expertise really came in handy. So thank you very, very much!

"Well, son, I'll tell you:

Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

It's had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor--

Bare.

But all the time

I'se been a-climbin' on..."

Langston Hughes

Chapter 11

No Crystal Stair

The two of them had walked back to Hogwarts, stopping only once as Sirius enlisted the aid of a seventh year Gryffindor to let the others know where they had gone. Not a word was spoken between them during the hike back to the castle, yet Sirius hadn't released Cressida's hand once. They were now walking up the staircase, receiving curious glances from students who had either remained at the school or had already returned from Hogsmeade.

"Maybe I should take my hood down," Cressida said nervously.

"They'd stare even more if they saw your face," replied Sirius gently. "Ignore them."

When they made it to the third floor, Cressida was surprised when Sirius began walking away from the next flight of stairs and down the corridor. She stopped walking and snatched her hand away from him.

"Where are you trying to take me?" she inquired, already knowing the answer to the question before she asked it.

"To the hospital wing. Where else?" Sirius responded.

Cressida shook her head. "I don't need to go there. There'll be questions..."

Sirius frowned at her. "The way you're talking almost sounds like you're not going to report this, which is insane."

"I'm going to report it. I am," she asserted after a stern look from Sirius. "Look, he slapped me and bumped my head a little. That's it. I'll be fine." After she spoke those words, Cressida immediately regretted it. Sirius had that vengeful look in his eye again.

"What do you mean 'bumped my head a little'?" he asked calmly. When Cressida didn't answer right away, he silently figured it out. "He banged your head against the wall?" he asked incredulously. Not waiting for an answer, Sirius grabbed Cressida's hand again and began dragging her toward the hospital wing.

"I'm not going!" she insisted, yanking her hand out of his grasp again.

"You could have a concussion, Cressida! Please let me do this or I swear I'll drag you down there kicking, screaming, and cursing my name!"

Cressida closed her eyes and took a deep breath, attempting to calm herself down. She knew that Sirius was behaving this way out of concern for her well-being. Sighing loudly, she opened her eyes and said, "I'm really tired, Sirius. Right now, I just want to rest. If I go to the hospital wing now, I'll be poked, prodded, and questioned. I'll have to relive all of it, probably more than once. I won't be left alone for hours, and right now that's all I want--to be left alone. I promise you I'll come back later, all right?"

Cressida could see the internal struggle Sirius was engaged in all over his face. After several moments of contemplation, he finally said, "Fine, Cressida. I'll give you an hour or so, but that's it. We'll go up to my room, since I can't go up to yours. The common room is bound to be crawling with ankle-biters, and I know my room is empty. And you can't go to sleep, just in case you have a serious head injury, got it?"

Cressida bit her lip, stifling a smile at how matronly Sirius sounded. "Yes, ma'am."

"Don't be a smartarse," he said irritably as he took her by the hand and began the ascent to Gryffindor Tower.

When they made it to the portrait of the Fat Lady, they stopped. Sirius turned to look at Cressida and gently gripped her shoulders. "All right, we're about to go into the common room. You know what we're up against," he said with all of the seriousness of a general about to lead his troops off to war. "Are you ready?"

Cressida nodded. "Let's just get it over with, shall we?"

Sirius nodded his head in return, squared his shoulders and said, "Belladonna," naturally expecting the portrait door to open. It seemed that the Fat Lady had other plans.

He frowned at the portrait and repeated himself. "Belladonna!" he said a bit louder, just in case she didn't hear him the first time.

"I heard you," the Fat Lady replied, her arms folded across her chest as she eyed Cressida suspiciously.

"Has the password been changed?" asked Sirius impatiently.

The Fat Lady ignored him and addressed Cressida instead. "Why are you wearing a hood indoors, young lady? What are you trying to hide?" She squinted her eyes, as if doing so would allow her to read Cressida's thoughts.

Before Cressida could answer, Sirius roared, "It's none of your business! Now, if the password hasn't changed, kindly let us in, you nosy old cow!"

The Fat Lady's mouth dropped open in shock, and her face turned as pink as her dress. "Fine, you ungrateful little swine! I show a little concern for your friend here, and this is the thanks I get! Never, in all my life have I witnessed such appalling behavior. Horrid, churlish, nasty..." She continued to grumble petulantly as she swung forward to give them access to the common room.

"Ready?" queried Sirius as he grabbed Cressida's hand once more.

"Ready," she replied resolutely.

The two of them stepped through the portrait hole and into the common room, the portrait door slamming shut behind them. Most of the older students were either still visiting the village, or studying elsewhere in the castle. This left the common room swarming with first and second year students--many of whom worshipped the rebellious ground Sirius walked on. The moment they saw him walk through the portrait hole they began their attack, firing a barrage of questions and sycophantic praise his way.

"Sirius, I got a detention from Slughorn yesterday. Is there any way you could help get me out of it?" a tow-headed first year boy asked frantically.

A second year girl asked, "Hey, Sirius, didja get the Chocolate Frogs I asked you to buy for me?"

"He offered to buy you chocolate while he was in Hogsmeade? That's so cool! I'll have to put in my order next time."

"Hey, who's that under the hood? Are you taking a girl up to your room?"

"If you didn't get my chocolate, you could at least give me my money back!"

With half a dozen overly excited kids buzzing around them, Sirius and Cressida had managed to make it to the foot of the staircase that led to the boys' dormitories. Sirius turned around and bellowed, "Don't you runts have better things to do?!" The crowd of children dispersed and scampered away just as quickly as they had descended upon the two of them.

Without another word, Sirius led Cressida up the stairs and to his dorm room. As they entered, Cressida slowly looked around, her eyes taking in everything. Stray articles of clothing were draped over trunks or sprawled on the floor. The Broadmoor brothers were mercilessly knocking Bludgers towards their opponents on a poster that was on the wall above one of the nightstands. That's clearly James's side of the room, Cressida thought.

"My bed is the one by the window," Sirius said softly. "Have a seat. I'll be right back." He then walked into the bathroom.

Cressida walked over to Sirius's bed, carefully stepping over a lonely sock and a ratty jumper on the way. Tired of hiding behind the hood of her cloak, she quickly took it off, folded it, and placed it on the floor in front of Sirius's nightstand. Next, she sat down on the side of the bed, slowly took off her boots, and neatly sat them next to the cloak. Then she eased back onto the pillows and swung her legs onto the bed. By the time she had done all of this, Sirius had returned with a tightly folded damp towel.

"Here," he said, handing the towel to her. "Since you won't let me take you to the hospital wing, I'll have to take care of you the Muggle way." As Cressida silently accepted the towel, Sirius sat down on the end of the bed. "You know, I thought Professor Dumbledore was a nutter when he made everyone take that Muggle first aid class a few years back. Who knew it'd actually come in handy someday?"

Cressida gave Sirius a small smile, as she placed the cold compress on her face. "He did."

"I guess he did, didn't he?" he said with a dry chuckle. "D'you need anything else?"

"No, I'm fine, thanks," she replied politely.

The two of them sat in silence for several minutes. Neither one of them knew what to do or say next. Sirius sat there picking at the stitching on his bedspread, while Cressida's eyes continued to travel around the room. The awkwardness between them permeated the room like a noxious gas. When I imagined myself alone with Sirius in his bedroom, it was never like this, Cressida thought gloomily.

Unable to stand the uneasiness between them any longer, Cressida said, "Sirius, there is something you can do for me."

"What?"

"Could you find Lily for me? I really need her here right now."

Again, Cressida could tell that Sirius was warring with himself, trying to decide whether he should acquiesce to Cressida's wishes or do what he thought was best. "I really don't think I should leave you alone. What if you fall asleep? You've been through a lot and--"

"I promise I won't fall asleep, Sirius. I appreciate everything you've done for me today, but I sort of need a girl to talk to right now. Do you understand?"

"Yeah...I understand," he said reluctantly as he stood up. "It may be a while, though. I haven't got a clue where she is. Damn!" he swore under his breath. "If the map was finished..."

"What map?" Cressida remembered that night in the Great Hall a few weeks ago when Sirius, Remus, and Peter had been discreetly discussing a map.

"Huh?" he replied distractedly. "Oh, it's nothing. I'll be back as soon as I can, all right?"

"I'll be here," Cressida said with a tired sigh. "Where else have I got to go?"

"Right," he said as he picked the shabby old jumper off of the floor. As he pulled it on over his head he said, "Keep that compress on your face."

"I will," she said softly.

Sirius briefly nodded his head in response and made his way to the door. As he began to twist the knob, Cressida called out, "Sirius, wait!" She hopped off the bed, ran across the room, and threw herself at him, enveloping him in her arms.

Once Sirius had steadied himself, he returned the hug. "I can stay if you want me to," he whispered in her ear. "All you have to do is say the word."

The feeling of his arms around her, his willingness to do anything for her, his gentle words--all of it culminated in a surge of emotion that caused tears to well up in Cressida's eyes. She squeezed her eyes shut, struggling to keep the tears at bay.

"No," she replied, trying to keep her voice calm. "I need Lily. I'll be fine by myself for a while." Liar, hissed a small voice in the back of her head. Ignoring it, she said, "I just wanted to thank you before you left."

"I did what I had to do," he murmured into her hair. "I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

At those words she held him tighter, wishing that the two of them could stay that way forever. Reluctantly, she released him, and as she did so, a lone, unshed tear finally escaped.

"I'll be back before you know it," Sirius said as he lightly brushed his thumb across her cheek, wiping it away.

"Go," Cressida whispered, removing his hand from her face. Without another word, Sirius turned around, opened the door, and stepped out of the room. Cressida watched him as he bounded down the stairs.

When he was gone, she closed and locked the door. Leaning her back against it, she slid down to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest. As she sat there on the cold stone, the full weight of everything that had happened descended upon her. Cressida had experienced so many emotional highs and lows--too many for one day. Hate and love. Terror and sanctuary. Anger and joy. It was all too much to keep bottled up. Unable to hold in the whirlwind of emotions any longer, Cressida rested her forehead on her knees and began to sob.

*~*~*~*

As promised, Severus met Lily in the entrance hall. After a quick stop in the library to check out a few books, the two of them found an empty classroom on the fourth floor. That had been some time ago, and they were now sitting side-by-side, quietly reading with eyes glazed over.

"That is it!" Lily harshly shouted out of the blue, causing Severus to nearly jump out of his skin.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked testily, picking up several books he had inadvertently knocked to the floor.

"I'm almost positive I've read this book before."

Severus furrowed his brow at this unnecessary interruption. "So what? Get another one."

"That's just it, Severus! I think I've read all of these books already. In fact," Lily said as she reached over and picked up the book in front of him, "I've read this one twice!" She threw the book back down on the table and held her head in her hands. "I'm tired, I'm frustrated, and I really think I'm starting to crack up."

Severus pushed his hair out of his face and began kneading his temples with the pads of his fingers. "The answer is here somewhere," he said wearily, "we've just overlooked it."

Lily shook her head. "No, it isn't! We've been through every musty old Potions book in that library, and we haven't found anything. I wonder what Professor Slughorn is playing at, giving us a potion we can't find. Maybe he's the one who's lost his--" Lily abruptly ended her rant when she saw the look on her partner's face. She had never seen anything like it. There was a wide-eyed look of astonishment on his face, like he had just had a revelation of some sort.

"What is it, Severus?" she inquired. "What's wrong?"

"We are," he whispered.

"We're wrong? Wrong about what?"

"It's so simple...I should have figured it out long ago...."

"Figured what out? You're not making any sense; talk to me!"

Severus stood up and began pacing back and forth. "We've been going about this the wrong way. It's like you said: we've looked through every musty old Potions book in the library." He stopped pacing, raced to the other side of the table, and knelt beside Lily's chair. "What if the potion we have isn't old? What if it's new--a recent development of some kind?"

Lily slowly grinned as she considered the possibility. "If you're right, that means we've been looking in the wrong place all this time! We should be looking through periodicals--magazines, professional journals, that sort of thing!"

Lily held Severus's gaze for a moment as this new information sank in. For the first time ever, she didn't want to look away from his coal black eyes. His stare was still as intense as ever, but this time the intensity didn't make her want to squirm. This time, there was something in his eyes that she recognized--exhilaration. For Lily, there was nothing like finding the solution to a seemingly unsolvable problem. As she looked at him, she could see that Severus felt the same way. It was almost like looking into a mirror. Lily had never felt so close to someone before, a realization that hit her like a Bludger to the head and made her heart race inside her chest.

Their excitement was tangible, and it crackled like electricity between the two of them. Enjoying the feeling, Lily grinned and said, "Well, what are we waiting for?" Her elation made her feel like she'd just finished running a marathon--so much so that her voice sounded rather breathy. "Let's take these dusty things back to the library! I think we should begin by looking for journals issued within the last five years--what is it?" she asked as Severus stood hastily and walked away. He was turned away from her, but from where she was sitting, it looked like he was taking deep breaths.

Her enthusiasm quickly turned to concern. "Are you feeling all right?" she asked.

"I'm fine," replied Severus, his signature surliness easing its way back into his voice. He turned back to the table and hurriedly began gathering the library books. "You're right; we should start with anything written within the last five years. I'll take the books back by myself." Before Lily had a chance to protest, Severus was out the door.

There was something between us just then. I thought it was just me, but he felt it, too, she thought smugly. He couldn't get out of here fast enough. Why does he keep doing that? Why does he keep running away from me? She sighed, deciding to give up on the mystery that was Severus Snape--for now, at least.

As long as I'm waiting, I may as well begin working on that Transfiguration essay. Lily reached across the table, grabbed her bag, and quickly slid it towards her. As she did so, she accidentally sent Severus's bag and all of its contents flying to the floor.

"Great," she said aloud as she got up from her seat, pushed it under the table, and squatted down to pick up his belongings. "I'd better get this stuff up before Mr. Personality gets back." Lily began to gather the rolls of parchment, spare quills, and textbooks that were scattered on the floor. She paused when she saw that his sketchbook had opened face-up.

"Hello," she said curiously as she saw the same picture of herself that Severus had given to her earlier. Lily dragged the book closer to get a better look. "He can't have pictures of me taking up residence in his sketchbook, and yet you've miraculously appeared out of nowhere," she murmured to the picture with a smirk. "How very interesting." She closed the book and stuffed it back inside his bag, along with all the other supplies she had already collected.

Lily was looking around to make sure she'd picked up everything, when she noticed a small, ragged book a few feet away. She recognized it as the little book that Severus had been writing in when she first joined him in the library earlier that day. She walked over to it, reading the front cover as she bent down to pick it up.

"The Private Journal of Severus Snape," she read aloud. "It isn't very private if you're announcing what it is on the front cover, is it?" As soon as those words left her mouth, she remembered that she had seen the journal on another occasion. "He had this book with him that day by the lake--the day he apologized to me," Lily said, jogging her memory as she spoke aloud. "He shifted the books in his hands, but not before I read the title on the cover. The title was different then. It had something to do with lethal potions." As she studied the cover of the book, she thought about her Potions partner and his very private nature. Then it hit her.

"Oh, you clever devil...you've put some sort of Concealment Charm on this little book," said a widely grinning Lily. "The best way to hide something is to hide it in plain sight. No one would bother looking through an old Potions book, would they? But why didn't he conceal the journal this time?" Frowning, she lightly traced the lettering on the front of the book. "That was rather careless, wasn't it? Severus can be called a lot of things, but careless isn't one of them." As she tried to make sense of the situation, she mumbled, "He was writing in it earlier. I suppose he didn't have time to put the charm on it when I arrived.

"Well, I suppose I should put you away, now," Lily said to the journal as she quickly thumbed through its pages. "It wouldn't be right for me to read you, would it? Although, it might help me understand your owner a little better." Curiosity was eating Lily up inside. She bit her lip as she tried to decide what to do. "He's so stubborn; he won't accept anybody's help. Maybe I can find out what's troubling him. I won't read everything."

What am I doing?! Lily thought as she stood up abruptly. I'm seriously considering invading his privacy! I'm acting like...like...Cressida! I really do want to help Severus, but the ends don't justify the means. I'll just have to find another way.

As she began walking back to where she left Severus's bag, the journal slipped out of Lily's hand and fell open. Whenever she remembered this moment, Lily always wondered whether she had purposely dropped the book accidentally, or if fate had stepped in and knocked the book out of her hand. She never did figure it out.

She bent down to pick the book up once more, but her eyes skimmed over four words--four words that one should never have to write in close proximity: My father is dead. The moment Lily read those words the decision of whether or not to read Severus's journal was made. Looking over her shoulder at the door, she tried to gauge how long Severus had been gone and how long it would be before he got back.

"I'll just read this one page, and then I'll put it away. He'll never have to know I read it." Lily sat down on the cold stone floor, crossed her legs, and began to read.

9 July 1976

My father is dead. I suppose I should feel some sort of sadness or something like that, but I don't. I don't feel anything. I don't even feel the relief that I always imagined I'd feel whenever I wished for his death. I just feel numb.

Even though there was more written on the page, the shock of what she'd just read forced Lily to stop reading. "He wished for his father to die?" she whispered. "What kind of a man was he that his own son didn't care whether or not he lived or died?" She flipped through the journal backwards, hoping to find some answers to her questions.

25 December 1975

It seems that Father started "celebrating" Christmas a little early this year. He's been gone since the day before yesterday. He came stumbling into the house about an hour ago. He was so pissed, I'm surprised he was able to find his way back home. Mother had been worried, but I'd secretly hoped he wouldn't come back until after New Year's Day; until after I was gone. He actually had the nerve to sit down at the dinner table like everything was normal. Like he hadn't been on a three day drinking binge.

But that's not even the best part. He complained about the food Mother spent all day cooking the Muggle way because he always whines about the food tasting strange when she cooks it normally. She cooked it the way HE likes it and he threw it at her, telling her she's useless. He said, "You're a witch! You've got all those powers, and you can't even manage to cook a simple Christmas dinner properly!" Then CRASH! More food on the floor, on the wall, and in her face. I will never understand why she married a Muggle. Why would you choose to spend your life with someone who doesn't understand who you are? Someone who doesn't care to understand?

I can still hear him in the other room, throwing his drunken temper tantrum. How I want to do something to him to make him feel all the pain he's inflicted on her all these years, but I just can't. Something keeps holding me back. Cowardice, I suppose.

I should have stayed at Hogwarts this year. The only reason I came back was because Mother promised that things would be "different" this year. I should have known better.

So he's a half-blood, she thought to herself, slightly stunned as she pondered the ramifications of this discovery. No wonder he knows so much about Muggles--far too much to be a pure-blood. A brief surge of anger passed through her as she remembered what he called her last June. Why would he call me a Mudblood, when he was born to a Muggle, too? I suppose he feels like he has to pass himself off as a pure-blood because he was Sorted into Slytherin.

Lily's anger began to dissipate as she tried to imagine what it must be like for Severus on a daily basis. He's had to hide a major part of himself for the better part of nearly six years. A weak-minded person would have gone crazy by now. The more time she spent in his shoes, the more she began to understand him. She began to understand the secrecy, the moodiness, the inability to trust others; it all made sense.

She continued to thumb through the journal as she thought, Living with a group of people who are so hateful towards Muggles must be a nightmare for him. As soon as that thought entered her mind, Lily saw the word nightmare written in the journal. Has he been having nightmares? Could that be the reason he hasn't been sleeping well? She read on to find out.

6 September 1976

I had the nightmare again. It was the same as before, for the most part. I was running through the forest in the dark again. My wretched father's voice was following me and taunting me, as usual. This time he slit my wrists somehow. I bled mud. Thick, gritty mud. I suppose that's what I am. My blood certainly isn't pure, is it?

Why do I keep having this nightmare? I used to have it once every few months or so, but now I have it every few nights. Why is it getting worse? Why was my father trying to kill me? He was a bastard in life, but he never would have tried to kill me. He was too scared. Too weak. So what does it all mean?

So that's why he looks so tired all the time. He's barely had any sleep in weeks! Lily thought as she closed the journal. Now that I know what's going on, maybe I can figure out how to get him to the hospital wing. Surely Madam Pomfrey has something to help him sleep. He's going to crack soon if he doesn't. She was so immersed in her own thoughts that she didn't hear Severus entering the room.

"What are you doing on the floor?"

He had asked the question in a calm voice, but Lily was startled nevertheless. She spun around to face him, quickly hiding his journal behind her back as she did so. I've got to distract him long enough to get the journal back in his bag, she thought frantically.

"Well?" he said expectantly as he placed a stack of professional journals on the table.

Lily slowly stood up and discreetly slipped the little book into the back pocket of her jeans. "No reason, really," she said brightly. "Just sick of sitting in that torture device they've tried to pass off as a chair." Avoiding his gaze, she looked at the stack of journals. "So, what'd you find?" she asked conversationally. She risked taking a look at Severus and could tell immediately that he knew something wasn't right.

He didn't respond to her feeble attempt at distracting him. Instead, he raised his eyebrow and said, "I was about to ask you the same thing."

I'll play it safe for now and play dumb until I know how much he's figured out. Lily tried to maintain an air of nonchalance in an attempt to mask the mounting dread she was feeling. "What do you mean?"

"Do you really want to do this?" asked Severus, a note of anger in his voice.

"Do what?" Lily asked in return. She didn't have to feign ignorance; this time she was truly in the dark.

Severus just stared at her for a moment, as if he was waiting for Lily to say something. She felt like he was waiting for her to confess her crime. Considering for the briefest of moments to do exactly that, she opened her mouth. Severus cocked his ear in her direction, demonstrating that he was ready to hear what she had to say. However, after a few seconds, Lily chickened out and closed her mouth.

She didn't think it was possible, but Severus's eyes seemed to darken even more in response to her silence. He began walking around the perimeter of their table. Lily watched him as he moved, careful to keep her back pocket out of his line of sight.

"When I first walked in," he began, "I was surprised to see you sitting on the floor. I immediately wondered what you were doing. You had your back to me, but I could tell you were deep in thought. You really should think about not wearing that locket," he sneered. "It's a dead giveaway, you know."

Lily nervously licked her lips as she thought, He sounds like an evil villain who's explaining how he committed his evil deed.

By this time, Severus had made it to the opposite end of the table. "As I was noticing you on the floor, I noticed that my bag was sitting there next to you," he continued. "Now, I'm sure you can imagine just how shocked I was when I saw it there, especially since I vividly remember it being on the table when I left."

Damn. Why'd I leave that thing on the floor? Summoning forth her last ounce of false bravado, Lily said, "Just what are you implying, Severus?"

Severus was now only a few feet away from her, and he was still advancing. "When one has been caught in the act, it can hardly be called an implication, can it?" he muttered ominously.

Fully aware that the cat was not only out of the bag, but was never in the bag to begin with, Lily tried to back away from him. Unfortunately, a chair was blocking her escape route. In one deft motion, Severus closed the gap between them, reached around behind her, and pulled her body against his. As she unthinkingly gripped his upper arms to steady herself, she felt his hands moving down the small of her back, leaving a trail of warmth in their wake. She gasped in surprise as those hands moved towards her behind. For a moment, Lily couldn't help thinking how their current position might look to an outside observer. Before she had time to work up a decent blush, Severus had extricated his journal from her back pocket.

Lily dropped her hands and nervously shoved them into her pockets. She slowly looked up at Severus apprehensively, ashamed of what she had done and frightened of what she would see. At that moment, it seemed like time slowed down to a crawl. It was as though she was watching a movie that someone was playing in slow motion, frame-by-frame. She watched as he slowly looked down at the journal, silently reading the front cover. After confirming that she had indeed had access to his private thoughts, she watched as he slowly closed his eyes. She continued to watch as his breathing began to quicken, and as it did, the movie began to speed up as well. His eyes flew open and what Lily saw in them chilled her to the bone.

She had seen Severus Snape angry before, but never like this. There was a wild fury in his eyes. He looked like a feral animal that had been locked in a cage, its suppressed instinctual urges bubbling, threatening to break the surface. It was scary to see him in such a state, barely able to contain his wrath, yet Lily stood her ground. She needed to explain to him what happened. She needed to make him understand why she had done it. Nothing and no one was going to stop her, not even Severus.

"Severus..." she began cautiously, as if she was talking to somebody who was mentally unhinged. "Please listen to me. Let me explain what happened--"

"What happened?" he interrupted incredulously, his voice scarily calm compared to the rest of him. "I think it's clear as crystal what happened here," he said as he stepped away from Lily.

Her eyes widened when she saw Severus's free hand tightly close into a fist. For an instant, Lily wondered if maybe Mr. Snape had passed down some of his misogynistic tendencies to his son. As Severus began to retrace his steps around the perimeter of the table and away from her, she thrust the notion out of her head. I refuse to believe he could ever be that way, she thought as she watched him.

"Please, Severus, believe me when I say I didn't plan for this to happen," she replied, her voice saturated with desperation.

"Didn't you, though?" scoffed Severus. "It's what you've been after all day, isn't it? Tell me what's wrong, Severus. Let me see your artwork, Severus. You can trust me, Severus." He'd made it back to the other end of the table. Shoving aside the chair that had blocked Lily's escape, he reached down and snatched his bag from the floor. As he began backing his way toward the door, he said, "I was actually foolish enough to think that I could. Thank you for proving once again that the only person I can ever trust is myself." He spun around and stalked toward the door, determined to make an exit.

I can't let him leave! Lily ran toward Severus, rapidly skirting around the chair he had cast aside, passed him, and plastered herself against the door, blocking him from leaving the room.

Out of breath and panting, Lily determinedly managed to utter, "You've got to listen to me, and I'm not letting you leave until you do!"

"Move out of my way," Severus muttered.

"No!"

His nostrils flared at her refusal. "MOVE!"

"Maybe you didn't hear me. I said no, Severus." Lily knew that angering him further might not be the brightest idea ever conceived, but at that point, she didn't care. All that mattered was that he listen to her and understand that she never meant to hurt him.

Before she knew what was happening, Severus had pulled his wand from his pocket. He pointed it at her and shouted, "MOVE, OR I'LL MAKE YOU MOVE!"

Lily looked into his eyes. "I know a lot more about you than I did this morning, Severus," she said, barely above a whisper. "You won't use that wand on me."

Severus stared right back at her. "Regardless of what you read in my journal or what you think you know about me, make no mistake--I will use this wand on you," he said unflinchingly, his wand arm steady, his voice controlled.

"Then do it, because I'm not moving a muscle."

The two of them stood there staring at each other, each one silently challenging the other. The standoff lasted for several minutes, both of them waiting for the other to finally relent. When it became clear that neither one of them was willing to budge, Severus spoke first.

"I'll give you until the count of three to move--"

"--or else?" Lily finished his statement with a cocky grin.

Ignoring her, Severus began counting angrily. "ONE!"

"TWO!" countered Lily.

"HOW MUCH?" he demanded.

The question was completely unexpected and caught Lily off-guard. "Huh?"

"My journal," answered Severus impatiently. "How much did you read?"

He's finally going to give me a chance to explain! she thought with relief before she replied to his query. "I only read three entries, I swear." Lily watched him carefully to gauge his reaction. He seemed to be considering her words just as carefully.

Severus narrowed his eyes at her. "Which three entries?"

Very deliberately, Lily looked at his wand. "Lower your wand and I'll tell you."

"Tell me and I'll lower my wand."

"Uh-uh," Lily said, shaking her head. "It doesn't work that way. We'll talk about this calmly and rationally, or not at all."

"In that case we won't talk at all, because I'm not dropping this wand until you move away from the door. Or until I move you."

Lily rolled her eyes at his stubbornness. "So you're willing to walk out of this door without knowing what I read in that journal? Let me put it this way: which is more important to you, leaving this room or your peace of mind?"

After several tense moments, Severus reluctantly lowered his wand. He took a deep breath before repeating, "Which three entries?"

"I'll tell you, just like I promised I would. But you've got to let me explain what happened first, okay?"

Severus blew out an exasperated breath as he said, "Talk."

Confident that she had his attention and that he wouldn't leave the room, Lily began to pace in front of the door. "When you left, I decided that I would work on my Transfiguration essay. I grabbed my bag, and when I did, your bag went flying to the floor."

She stopped and looked him in the eye, wanting him to firmly grasp what she was about to say next. "There was no master plan to dig through your things while you were gone. I didn't rub my hands together and say 'Mwah-ha-ha-ha! Now I can read all of Severus Snape's private thoughts!' It wasn't like that at all. In fact," she said, raising her eyebrows to emphasize her point, "I wanted to go to the library with you if you recall, but you insisted that I stay here."

"Oh, I see," Severus said acerbically as he splayed his hands across his chest. "It's my fault that you betrayed my trust! Silly me."

Lily dragged her hands through her hair in frustration. "Of course, it's not your fault. I'm not trying to make excuses; I'm just trying to tell you what happened."

Severus folded his arms across his chest and glared at Lily. "Well, you still haven't explained how you ended up reading my journal, or exactly what you read."

Lily resumed her nervous pacing. "I'm getting to that. I put all your things back in your bag. I looked around to make sure I'd picked everything up, when I saw the journal. When I realized what it was, I was going to put it back in the bag without reading it, but it fell out of my hand and landed face up...on the 9^th of July."

She stopped pacing again to read the expression on Severus's face, thinking that she may have to remind him about what he had written on that particular day. Though his face was eerily blank, Lily could see the hint of recognition in his eyes. It was clear that he remembered exactly what he had written on the 9^th of July.

After several moments, it was apparent that Severus had nothing to say on the issue. Lily felt like she had to end the deafening silence that had descended upon them. "I'm sorry about your father, Severus," she said softly.

"I'm not," he replied, his facial expression unchanged. "But then, you already know that, don't you?"

Lily nodded solemnly. "Your mum didn't feel the same way though, did she? The picture...of your mother in bed...th-that was after she found out about his death, wasn't it?" Severus mimicked Lily's previous action and simply nodded his head in response.

"Severus, I swear to you that I only intended to read that one entry, but when I read about how you'd reacted to...well...what happened, I was concerned. I wanted to know what kind of person your father was that you would wish for his death."

"So you read another entry." Severus dropped his bag, walked over to the long forgotten chair, and sat down, holding his head in his hands. Even though he was doing a bang-up job of keeping his emotions off his face, his body language made it plain to Lily that this was taking a toll on him.

"Which one did you read next?" he inquired, sitting up to get a good look at her as she dropped the next bombshell.

Lily bit her lip nervously before she whispered, "December 25^th." As soon as the words fell from her lips, his eyes closed and the mask that Severus had been wearing finally cracked. Lily could see the dread that he had been feeling written all over his face. The fact that she had caused him to feel that way made her feel absolutely vile.

"So you know about my drunken bastard of a father who drank himself to death, but not before managing to ruin yet another holiday. To top it all off, he was a Muggle, too. You hit the jackpot. Congratulations, Lily."

Lily ignored his sarcasm as she positioned a chair directly in front of him and sat in it. She leaned forward, resting her forearms across her lap. "Did--did he hit you?" she asked hesitantly.

Severus glared at Lily as he replied, "Don't you ever get tired of prying?"

Lily was determined to get Severus to open up about his problems, because she was convinced that no good would come from him keeping everything bottled up. Maybe if I irritate him enough, he'll get pissed off and blurt it out.

With the decision made, Lily tilted her head to the side and said matter-of-factly, "Look, Severus, I've already read some of it. If you don't tell me the rest, I'll be forced to guess about what happened and make my own assumptions. Then I'll be preoccupied and I won't be able to concentrate on my schoolwork properly, which will only make things harder for you in the long run--"

"NO, ALL RIGHT!" Severus shouted as he suddenly jumped out of his seat. "He didn't hit either one of us! He was too scared of what we might do to him if he did." He walked over to the table and placed both his hands on it, leaning on it for support as his breaths came out in short pants.

Lily hated what this was doing to him, but she felt that these few minutes of discomfort and pain would be better for Severus in the end. She looked down at her feet as she posed her next question.

"Which do you hate him for most: being a nasty drunk...or being a Muggle?" she asked in a barely audible murmur.

For several minutes, Severus said nothing. His back was turned to Lily, and from what she could see, it seemed as though he was trying to regain some semblance of control after his uncharacteristically unrestrained outburst.

Finally, he looked over his shoulder at her and muttered, "I don't hate him because he was a Muggle. I hate Muggles because of him."

"What?" Lily was so shocked by his statement that she could hardly believe that she'd just heard it come out of his mouth. "How stupid is that?"

Severus slowly turned around to face her, leaning back against the table as he did so. He narrowed his eyes at her as he said, "You sit there worming your way into my private life, asking me about things that have absolutely nothing to do with you, and to add insult to injury, now I'm stupid, too?"

"You're judging a whole group of people based on the actions of one! That's like me saying all Slytherins are evil, horrible people that will never amount to anything but causing other people pain and misery just because Ainsley Abercrombie hexed me in our first year. She hit me with a Conjunctivitis Curse during my first flying lesson, just as I pushed off the ground. I couldn't see a thing, and I nearly killed myself! She only did it because I had the nerve to correctly answer a question that she couldn't, the nasty little twa--"

"I'm sure it was a very traumatic experience," interrupted Severus drolly, "but could we focus on the matter at hand?"

Lily hadn't realized it, but at some point during her brief tirade, she'd gotten out of her seat and balled her hands into fists. "Oh, sorry," she said as she relaxed her hands. "The point is, if I judged all Slytherins based on what that...cow did to me, Potions would never have been my favorite subject, and I certainly wouldn't have given you the time of day, regardless of whether or not my grades depended on it. I would have missed out on some very...interesting experiences." She took several steps toward him as she added, "You can't just blame everyone for something one person did to you."

Severus wearily rubbed his eyes, as though the conversation was draining all his energy. "My intense dislike of Muggles may have started with my father, but rest assured, I haven't based my opinion of them solely on his poor example alone," he said, folding his arms across his chest. "It was from him that I first learned how despicable Muggles are. I learned quickly not to expect much from them. I suppose you could say that he influenced my opinion."

"I can understand that, but what about other Muggles? I assume you've met others since your dad was one. Surely, they weren't all bad?"

Severus snorted scornfully and looked away. "Nearly every Muggle I've ever had the misfortune to encounter has only proved that I have every reason to despise them. The neighborhood children teased me because I was different--of course, if I could have shown them just how different I was, they probably would have run screaming instead. People in town looked down their noses at us because we were a working class family."

"Severus, that's not just the nature of Muggles, that's human nature!" Lily walked up to Severus so that he would have no choice but to look at her. "Children tease other children all the time. It doesn't have anything to do with whether they're Muggles or not. Kids are just mean sometimes. Take James and Sirius for example." At the sound of their names, Severus angrily turned his whole body away from her. Undeterred, Lily moved, positioning herself in front of him again so she could make her point.

"Both of them come from pure-blood families, but they've tormented you for years! And what about your own housemates? Most of them look down their noses at people like me because our blood isn't pure," she said with disdain. "Some people, both magical and non-magical, like to feel superior to other people. It makes them feel better about themselves to make other people feel like dirt."

Lily began to get frustrated, for Severus was now looking up at the ceiling so he wouldn't have to look at her. She grabbed his hand and squeezed it as she said, "I understand how your father's actions colored how you feel about all Muggles, but you've got to know that all of them aren't that way! You aren't that way, and whether you want to admit it or not, he is a part of you. Sooner or later, you've got to accept that, or you'll just keep having those nightmares."

Lily finally got what she wanted. Severus looked down at her and said, "So you found out about that, too?"

She nodded. "You do realize that's why you're having those nightmares, don't you? You've been trying to hide half of who you are for years, Severus! So your father was a Muggle--big deal! We are so much more than who our parents are."

Severus snatched his hand away from Lily as he hissed, "That's easy for you to say! You, with the perfect parents and the perfect little family life. So you and your sister had a little argument over clothes, or a boy, or whatever the hell you girls argue over--big deal," he sneered. "Some of us have real problems, and talking about it won't solve them, so just back off!" He turned his back to her and leaned over the table.

Up until then, Lily had tried to be patient with Severus and his outbursts. She had invaded his privacy, and had been dealing with the consequences, deservedly so. However, Severus had crossed an invisible line with his latest eruption, and Lily had finally had enough.

She stalked over to the opposite end of the table, slammed her hands down on it and shouted, "I've had it with you, Severus Snape! You think you have the market cornered on pain? You think you're the only person who's ever had misery in his life?" She was so furious that she didn't feel the fat, angry tears that were rolling down her cheeks. "You know nothing about my family, Snape, so don't stand there talking down to me that way! I know I've stuck my nose in your business, and I apologize for that, but I did it because I care, not so I could throw it back in your face!"

Severus stood there, gobsmacked, his eyes as wide as a couple of Galleons, as Lily continued to tell him off. "Where's the snappy come back, Severus? Cat got your tongue? Well," Lily said as she reached inside her jumper and pulled out her locket, "let's see what you have to say about this." With that, she yanked the locket from her neck, breaking the clasp as she did so. She threw it across the table at Severus and yelled, "OPEN IT!"

Lily watched as Severus studied the small locket. She watched as he silently ran his fingers over the engraved P on the front. He frowned as he looked up at her and asked, "What does the P stand for?"

Lily took a deep breath to calm her nerves before answering. "I bought the locket as a gift for my sister, Petunia." She hit him with an icy glare as she intoned, "Open. The. Locket."

Severus did as he was told, and opened the locket. He pulled out a tiny piece of paper that was folded in half. When he unfolded it he looked up again and said, "You expect me to read this? The writing is too small."

"I had to shrink it to make it fit inside the locket. You're smart; I'm sure you can figure out how to enlarge it."

Severus had a look on his face that said he would like nothing more than to make Lily disappear permanently. Instead, he placed the tiny paper on the table, took out his wand, pointed it at the paper, and muttered, "Engorgio." They both watched the little scrap of paper swell to a letter sized piece of stationery.

"Read it," Lily commanded.

Severus picked up the paper and began to read silently to himself when Lily stopped him. "Oh, no, please read it out loud," she said contemptuously. "It just won't have the same effect if you read it to yourself."

Having already read the first few lines, Severus didn't seem too eager to read the rest of it aloud, yet he complied with Lily's demand. "Fine, have it your way.

"'Lily,'" he read, "'I have returned the gaudy little locket you sent me for my birthday. I thought that I had made it very plain that I want nothing to do with you. I thought that avoiding you like the plague that you are during your last visit would have been a big enough clue, but apparently not. So let me spell it out for you in plain English: I THINK YOU ARE A FREAK!'" Severus stopped reading. "I can't read the rest of this. I won't read the rest of it."

Lily heatedly wiped at the tears on her face as she laughed bitterly and said, "You know what? It doesn't matter. I can recite it from memory. The rest of the letter says, 'You are an abomination.'"

"Stop it," Severus said softly.

Lily ignored him and continued. "'Don't send me any more gifts. Don't write me any more letters.'"

"Stop it, Lily."

Lily's body shuddered as she sobbed, forcing her to grip the edge of the table so hard her knuckles turned white, but she kept going. "'As far as I'm concerned, I don't have a sister. She died the moment that horrible letter arrived with the post.'"

"You've made your point, now stop it!"

"'I can only hope that one day mother and father will realize that you're--that you're a b-blight on our f-family tree.'"

The words were barely out of her mouth when her knees buckled and she finally collapsed. She would have hit the floor, but Severus had been walking toward her the entire time and had quickly positioned himself behind her so he could catch her. As Lily continued to cry hysterically, he gently lowered both Lily and himself to the floor. Trembling, she held on to his arms for dear life and began rocking back and forth. Severus said nothing. He simply held her and rocked with her, waiting for her tears to abate.

After several minutes, Lily spoke. "She sent it during my third year," she said, her voice frail and raspy from crying. "Every morning after I received it was like a nightmare. Every day I kept waiting for a letter from my parents telling me that they didn't want me anymore. Waiting for the owl post to arrive felt like someone was standing over me with an ax, just waiting to chop my head off. The owls would come and go, and for a little while I'd feel relieved...until the next morning.

"You know," she went on wistfully, "most kids are happy when they hop onto the train at the end of the term. Sure, they're sad to leave their friends, but happy to go home to their families." She shook her head slowly as she said, "Not me. I hate the train ride home because--"

"--you're waiting for the other shoe to drop," Severus said softly. "I know how that feels."

Lily turned around to face Severus, breaking their embrace. "Yeah, I suppose you do," she said as she sat back on her heels.

"Why do you wear that locket? I'd have got rid of it."

Lily ran her hands through her hair as she said, "Believe me, that was my first reaction, but I decided to keep it for two reasons. First of all, that locket cost me quite a bit of money. I wasn't about to waste my money because my feelings were hurt."

The corner of Severus's mouth quivered a bit as he said, "Of course not."

She bit back a smile before continuing. "The main reason I kept it is to remind myself how fear can ruin you if you let it. My sister said all those awful things because she's afraid of me. She's afraid of what she doesn't understand about me. Rather than trying to understand, she let that fear fester until it turned into hate."

"Hate is a strong word. Do you really think she hates you?"

"Do you think your father hated you?" Lily questioned back.

"I think it's quite obvious how he felt about my mother and me," Severus said, lowering his head to stare at the floor.

"You know what I think? I think he loved the both of you."

Severus snapped his head up to glare at Lily. "What? Are you kidding me?"

Lily held up her hands and said, "Just hear me out, Severus. Just like my sister, your dad let fear take control. You said yourself that he was afraid of your powers. Yet, he didn't leave you, did he? He could have written both you and your mother off, like my sister did to me. But he didn't. He had a job, didn't he?"

"Yes, what of it?"

"He worked, he paid bills, he provided for his family. If he hadn't cared anything about you, he would have left you and your mother behind without a second thought. Sure he treated you both horribly, but he was dealing with his fear the only way he knew how--by drinking. I don't think your father hated you, Severus. In his own flawed way, I think he loved you."

They both sat there for a moment, silently pondering what Lily had just said. "I never thought about it that way before," said Severus solemnly.

"Of course you hadn't," Lily replied. "You're too close to the situation. Sometimes, you need someone else to help you see the things you can't see; to make you see the things that you refuse to see." She reached out and took both of his hands in hers. "That's what friends do for one another. That's what I want to do for you."

She attempted to swallow the boulder lodged in her throat as she tried to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall once more. "I know I broke your trust today. Trust is earned, and I threw yours away the second I started reading that journal. It's no excuse, but I was worried about you and I only had the best of intentions. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I'm asking for it anyway." Lily's vision began to blur as unshed tears welled up in her eyes.

Severus shook his head in disbelief. "Why me? Why are you so bound and determined to be friends with me?"

Lily closed her eyes, releasing her tears in the process. She opened them, shrugged her shoulders, and whispered, "I don't know. Maybe it's because I recognized something in you that I saw in myself. All I know is that I kind of like having you around." She gave Severus a weak smile. "Weird, huh?"

"Just a little," he answered. He withdrew one of his hands from her grasp and hesitantly reached up to gingerly brush away the tears that had left a trail on her cheek. Lily closed her eyes at his touch, relishing the feel of his thumb lightly grazing her face.

"Lily?"

She immediately dropped Severus's other hand at the sound of her name, as Severus quickly lowered his hand as well. She turned toward the door abruptly and was surprised to see Sirius Black staring at her from the doorway.