Snape's Got a MySpace?!?!

Author's Notes: I haven't written a fic in months, so I just wrote the first thing I could think of to get my brain out of summer-mode and back to its normal active self (kinda like when you have PE first thing in the morning at school, and have to do a little warm-up to get back to basketball or whatever... yes, this fic is like my warm-up, and the half-done and half-thought-out ones I've been working on since JANUARY are my basketball).

Just recently stumbled upon this bunny so I'm not sure if someone's already written a fic like this... Anyway, let me know what you think! I'm not so good with humor fics, so if I butchered a perfectly good plot, I have to know!

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Snape's Got a MySpace?!?!

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Harry had always hated living with the Dursleys, that's for sure, but now there was something else goin on that was annoying Harry.

Lately, all Harry would hear about around that house was "comments this" and "profiles that"... what the bloody hell was Dudley on about?! Why would he spend so much time in his room all of a sudden? What was consuming so much of his time? What made him want to run up to his room the second he got home? And who the hell was Tom???

Harry couldn't ask; he wouldn't give his cousin the satisfaction of knowing he got to him. Besides, he probably wouldn't tell.

So, one day, while the Dursley's were going to one of Vernon's business meetings with other stuck-up Durseylish people (and wouldn't dare be seen bringing a freak like their nephew along, much less risk something going horribly wrong), they left Harry all alone in the house (but not without an "if-this-house-isn't-perfect-when-we-come-back-neither-will-your-face" lecture).

As Harry watched the car pull out of the driveway and out of the road until it was finally out of view, he decided to wait about a minute (just in case) until he ran up the stairs and into Dudley's room to finally satisfy his curiosity.

His computer was still on.

Harry'd never liked computers. What was the point of E-mail, when there were owls (well, in their case, regular post) around? And why IM, as Dudley had called it, when you already have a phone (which, Harry thought, was also a waste of time, and a waste of a good invention, if all you were going to do was use it to talk to people and ask them if their refrigerator was running, which Harry still didn't get).

Anyway, Harry made his way through the messy room over to the desk and sat down in the chair in front of it, which, no surprise to Harry, was a little sunken.

He pressed the little button on the monitor, and it made a clicking sound before the screen went on. Harry watched as the light got brighter until suddenly a rather stupid picture of Dudley wearing a beanie and the biggest, darkest sunglasses that could possibly fit on his face (and that's quite big) appeared on the upper-left corner of the screen, under the words, "Hello, xDoN'T_MeSS_w/_dA DuDx !"

"What the hell?" Harry asked aloud. Looking closer, he noticed a sign at the very corner, which read, "MySpace, A Place For Friends". Apparently, this "MySpace" was what has been consuming Dudley's whole summer. The question was, what exactly was this MySpace?

Harry was going to investigate while looking through Dudley's. First thing he did was look through the new messages Dudley had. There was only one, from a girl, who called herself "PuRdY_pRiNcEzz". It read,

"of course not u disgusting sicko! and stop messaging me! AND if i ever c u anywhere near me again, i'll call da cops!"

Somehow, Harry wasn't interested in how Dudley had been harrassing that poor girl. However, his curiosity got the best of him, and he clicked on "Sent" and saw Dudley sent about fifty messages a day, and surprisingly, received about fifty or so a day as well. Harry couldn't eliminate the (more likely) possibility they were mostly from other distressed girls.

This was quickly boring Harry. But seeing all the sent/received messages, stupid comments, pictures, pending friend requests (hmm... interesting... since when did Dudley really have friends?), etc. , Harry thought he had figured out what MySpace was: A plan to take over the world. A mind-melting, time-wasting, manipulative, addictive, brainwashing plan to take over the world, and for the people involved in this "MySpace" world, Tom was their Voldemort. There was only one difference: Even the almighty Boy-Who-Lived thought saving these poor people was hopeless. Most were already...gone.

Anyway, shaking his head, Harry looked through Dudley's friends (mostly all guys, looking just as stupid in their pictures as Dudley), looked through their friends, looked through their friends, looked through their friends, and so on. Actually, Harry thought about getting himself a MySpace after a while of finding it interesting, maybe getting Ron and Hermione ones too, but quickly remembered his own evil metaphor.

Getting bored, Harry was just about to get off when he noticed something odd in one of Dudley's friend's friend's friend's friend's friend's friend's.... this guy's friends' list. An alarm in Harry's head went off as he looked at one of the pictures and noticed a middle-aged, black haired man, with the name "Potionz Prince".

Could it be...?

"No... it can't..." Harry said to himself incrediously. About to lose it, he clicked on the man's picture.

"It is!" Harry gasped. There, with grey tables, green letters and borders, a strange picture, and a Jessica Alba background, was the profile of--

"Snape? Snape's got a MySpace?!?!" Harry, about do die of laughter, pushed his glasses up closer to his eyes, and read.

Snape's headline read, "Don't hate...Appreciate."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

What was really strange was the display picture. Snape was, by the looks of it, in his classroom, leaning against a wall, trying to look all emo, but weirdly enough, smiling a sick, twisted smile.

Clicking on "Pics", Harry realized that wasn't all of it. There were two more pictures. One, which was (WTF?) Snape's baby picutre, with a stuffed dragon and was wearing black footie pajamas. The other one... as if it couldn't get any weirder... was of Snape with a group of a bunch of other guys, wearing all black, looking like posers, only it looked like they were at a party. What was worse?

Snape had a lampshade on his head.

"What the f--?"

Harry was cut off when Snape's profile song began to play. "Love Me For Me", by someone named Ashlee Simpson.

This was getting weird. Harry tried to keep a straight face as he skimmed through the profile.

General: Potions, Dark Arts, music, myself, clubbin, meetin chix, chemical reactions, ur mom.

Music: Rock, emo, punk.

Movies: Brokeback Mountain, Pirates of the Caribbean, Superman Returns, and scary movies.

Television: is pointless.

Books: Advanced Potion Making, The DaVinci Code.

Heroes: Professor McGonagall!

Under the last box, Snape had put he went to Hogwarts from 1971-1977, was single, his-- wait, what did they mean by "orientation"? Oh well, apparently Snape wasn't sure either... his occupation was being a college professor making over $250,000 per year (yeah right... Fred and George snuck Snape's pay check out of his desk once, only to find they'd gone through all that trouble for less than about $125 American dollars per week...) and his only groups were "Mighty Moshin' Emo Rangers Club" and "RBD Fan Club" (whatever that was).

Harry had almost forgotten about Snape's "About Me", which read:

Yo, ma name's Sev. Wutz dere 2 say? Don't h8 me cuz u don't noe me. I'm tall, black hair, think chemistry sets rock, expert at... mixing stuff... Can seem isolated @ 1st, get 2 noe me & I got more stuff 2 say... I guess dats it. If u wanna get 2 noe me better, message me or add me cuz i luv makin new friends ;)

Um... i mean... u noe... meeting ppl'z ok....

Who I'd Like To Meet: Cool, down to earth rockers like me (also lookin 4 dat special sum1...)

What. The hell. Was this? Harry had to be going crazy. Snape...SEVERUS SNAPE... was... huh?

His mind still couldn't register this. All Harry knew was that he was cracking up the whole time.

Harry was just about to read the comments at the bottom of the page (he actually had a lot... and a lot of friends--793), when he noticed Snape's blog.

It was titled, Dear Diary: Thirty-Two. Snape's blog was his own online diary!

Oh, the many thrills he would have.

Harry was just about to begin his reading when he heard something. A tapping noise. He turned to his left to see a small owl pecking furiously at the window. It was Pig.

Harry got up from the chair and opened the window, instinctively checking the driveway below for the car, and took the letter from Pig's leg while the bird rested on the windowsill.

Harry wasn't really concerned with reading the letter, as he wanted to get back to the computer (Oh, no, it was sucking him in already!), so he just skimmed through Ron's letter of how his summer was going, the twins' lates cruel pranks (cruel from Ron's point of view, seeing as how they mainly involved him being embarrassed by them in front of Hermione, by the sound of it), and how his mother was getting everything ready for when Harry got there.

Oh, and he's asked whether the suffering was that terrible this time, or if there was anything remotely interesting he could do to survive until he got to the Burrow.

Harry scrambled about and grabbed the first pen he could find.

Ron,

I don't think I have much time, seeing as the Dursleys will be back any minute now, but about what I've been doing lately... Well, your dad brings Muggle devices home from work sometimes, doesn't he? Well, ask him about a computer, and the Internet (Hermione can tell you all about it). You're never going to believe this...

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Author's Notes: Sorry... I impulsively stick random R/Hr in pretty much anything.

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