Things Best Left Unread

"Miss Abbott," Snape said, glaring down at the student attempting to hand a scrap of parchment to Susan Bones. Hannah Abbott turned five separate shades of red and tried to shove the parchment under her desk. He snatched it away, and started to read.

"Oh, my dear Gilderoy!" Lady Alexandrielle purred. Her violet eyes sparkled as she tossed her scarlet hair over her shoulder. She moaned appreciatively as he started to kiss a trail down her pert breasts, pausing at the rosy-pink nipples, his hands clasping her dainty waist.

"What is this?" Snape asked.

"Fan fiction," Miss Abbott said in a tiny voice.

"Are you telling me," Snape said, "that you are the author of this... this... this piece of soft-core pornography?"

Miss Abbott gulped.

"Miss Abbott," Snape said, "I don't care what revolting perversions you indulge in during your spare time--those are Madame Sprout's problem. I do care that you are indulging in them during my class. One hundred points from Hufflepuff, and you will do detention."

"One hundred!" Miss Abbott burst into tears.

---

Cho Chang and Marietta Edgecomb were elbowing each other in the ribs and giggling. Snape wandered over and glared. A scrap of parchment sticking out of Miss Chang's book caught his eye, and he grabbed it.

"Noooooooooo!" Miss Chang shrieked.

Snatch the Snitch
By Cho Chang

Viktor Krum pushed his sweat-beaded dark hair out of his lovely dark eyes and smiled at the golden hero in front of him. "That's quite a compliment, coming from someone like you."

Gilderoy Lockhart twinkled at him. "Nonsense!" he said. "Only the homage due a great talent like yours!"

Viktor wondered if the rumors about Lockhart being queer were true. Oh, if only! He hoped Lockhart couldn't spot his raging erection, tenting out his Quidditch uniform like a tent pole.

Snape was actually speechless for a moment. He scanned down the page, but stopped in horror when he got the the part about Krum and Lockhart shagging.

He looked up at Miss Chang. She looked like she might literally die of shame in her seat. It would serve her right if she did. "What is this?" he asked her.

"Slash fiction," she mumbled.

"It's homosexual pornography."

"Yeah, that's what 'slash' means, sir," Miss Edgecomb said.

"I didn't ask you, Miss Edgecomb," he said, and she stared at her desk, looking terrified.

"It's not about the sex, it's about the love," Miss Chang said, her voice barely audible.

"One hundred points from Ravenclaw for disrupting my class with your pornography."

"One hundred!" Miss Chang said.

"You can commiserate with Miss Abbott if you wish. I caught her with pornography in my class as well."

"As if," Miss Chang sniffed. "She writes Mary Sue."

---

Snape stared down at the confiscated scraps of parchment littering his desk in horror. They were all utterly abysmal attempts at pornography featuring that posturing ponce Lockhart. The worst--absolute worst--was an effort by little Colin Creevey pairing Lockhart with that execrable brat Harry Potter. He pondered the thought that he would never, ever be aroused again, wondered briefly if Madame Pomfrey had a cure for the post-traumatic stress, and then an evil thought struck him. He picked up his quill.

"I'm really sorry," Lockhart said. "It's not you, it's me. Usually, I..."

"It's okay," she said. "We don't have to... We can just cuddle."

"Would you believe this has never happened to me before?"

Severus smirked down at the parchment in malicious glee. Yes, this could provide a great deal of amusement. He scratched away into the night.

"But if I'm Polyjuiced to look just like you," she said, "why is my penis so small?"

"Oh, not to worry," Gilderoy said. "It's just a glamour." He murmured a spell, and her penis grew to his size. "There you go."

Severus laughed aloud, startling Mrs. Norris outside his office door.

---

He slipped into the library, and surreptitiously left his magnum opus on a workbench. An entire scroll of the worst writing he could manage, and yet he was oddly proud of himself. All day long he had a special bounce in his step.

"Did you see the story Marietta found on a library worktable?" he heard Miss Chang ask Miss Brocklehurst on her way into dinner.

"Oh my God," Miss Brocklehurst said. "Poor woobie! I nearly cried my eyes out when he couldn't..."

"I wonder who wrote it," Miss Chang said.

Oh, it just wasn't fair. Clearly he was going to have to have a word with Sprout and Flitwick.

---

Snape laid the confiscated stories on the table and said, "I confiscated these from your students."

Flitwick picked up Miss Chang's efforts and started to giggle. "Yes, I've caught them writing this stuff before," he said. "I told them to be more discreet."

"It's only natural," Sprout said. "Growing girls. Hormones. You know."

"As if I haven't confiscated similar material from Parkinson and Bulstrode," McGonagall said.

No. Absolutely not. Snape wouldn't accept that. "Miss Parkinson and Miss Bulstrode are writing stories about that insufferable dunderhead Lockhart?"

"No," McGongall said. "About you."

Snape buried his face in his hands. "Never speak to me of this again."