Solace

Solace

I couldn't help but remember as I walked along the frozen lake. Everything reminds me of him. I can't get away. I remember how he looked at me, like he wanted to devour me, but it was me who was hungry. The frozen ice across the lake glinted the way his eyes did in the candlelight. I still dream of that night, the way it felt. The way he felt. I was lost in the memories when I saw it, him. I thought it was a mirage, something I imagined. Until he smiled at me and I knew he was there. The wind picked up and wrapped around us, I felt like we were the only ones in the whole world. His hair moved around his face, and I could almost feel it between my fingers, brushing my forehead when he leaned down to kiss me. I longed to have my fingers in his hair again, the soft silk strands against my sweaty palms.

He was looking at me, and for a while I stared back at him, but the intensity of his gaze, I couldn't hold it for long, and I had to look away. So I looked at the snow again. It was twirling around, separating us from the rest of the world, and the ground between was so flat, and untouched. It reminded me of his face, unmarred, perfect yet unyielding and unbroken. Just like him, but oh how I broke him. Or maybe he broke me? I still can't tell...

I knew it wasn't my imagination when he lite a cigarette. I hated when he would smoke, it makes me sick. But he wouldn't stop just for me, that was too much to ask. I had hoped he would.

I looked at him again, but my eyes were drawn to his hands, his soft yet firm hands. Oh, how I longed to have those hands on my skin again, just one more time. I still remember how they felt, running down my chest. They were cold as ice, but oh how they burned.

I never understood how we fit together, because we didn't. We were extremes, complete opposites, and yet I couldn't stay away. She figured it out, 'Mione did. She's a smart one. I don't even know how she worked it out. She tried to help me. She could tell, that I lov... no, I don't, not that. I just... lust for him. Yeah, lust. That's it. But she tried to help either way, and she told me opposites attract. I don't believe her though, but I wish they did. I told her that a fish can love a bird, but where would they live? She just said she'd have to make me wings. Oh gods, he looks like an angel surrounded by all the snow. He's evil, and I'm good. He's ice, but I'm fire. We don't work, but gods how I wished we did. She tried though, she really did.

He keeps looking at me, and I find I can't look away. I can't help but stare into his eyes, and I find I'm falling. Every time I see him, feel him near, hear his voice, I fall for him all over again. And I just wish he was there to catch me.

She found us, not 'Mione. She caught us after, and she was angry, overtly so. I didn't know why until after, when he told me they slept together. It all seemed to make sense then. She broke up with me a while ago, after they slept together. I couldn't figure out why then, but now I know. She thought I knew. She thought it was revenge, that I wanted to get back at them. I mean, what better way? She didn't understand when I told her that it wasn't vengeance, it was solace. But he did. He understood. I could see it in his eyes. Maybe that's why I can't stop thinking about him.

I hope he can't stop thinking about me too...