Your Life, My Life

I thought I could live without you.

When you came to me that day, I thought that you must be out of your mind. That the last piece of sanity you had was taken away from you by everyone that expected those wonders from you. I always thought that you were slightly unbalanced. I always knew that you were raised by those Muggles - who didn't? - and about Diggory, the Dark Lord, everything. It was just a matter of time until you couldn't handle it anymore, and I always knew that it would come. The way it came, however, was slightly unexpected.

When you said those things to me, none of them made sense. I mean, we had been enemies for six bloody years! How could you say such things? It wasn't possible. Why did you take the collapse of your straight mind on me? Why me? But when you kissed me for the first time, everything cleared. I understood. But I was afraid. Afraid of the burning feeling your hands left on my skin, and the high I got from just looking into those painfully bright and open eyes. You left marks on my soul that day, and I felt your gaze, filled with hurt, penetrate sharp holes in my back as I fled. But it was only fair, for I had experienced the very same situation at the beginning; you may never have known, but your rejection stung me like a slap on the face. The only person I really ever wanted to befriend was you, now that I think of it.

But it wasn't your fault. Nothing was; I created my own prison. I tormented myself for days for being stupid. How could I not have known? How could I not have understood in the first place? I wondered when everything had changed; I wondered when it had begun. But it didn't matter, for all I could care about was the look in your eyes. It was uncertainty, but I was able to see that, to you, it was clear. You accepted it. At night, I dreamed of going back to you and kissing your tear-stained cheeks until you would cry no more, but in the daylight, I avoided your gaze and evaded your attempts to talk. I was torn. I knew my father wanted me to become a Death Eater, I knew everyone expected me to become one, but I wanted to do was hide under my covers (preferably with you) until it was over. I didn't want to choose.

The other night I couldn't sleep. I didn't want to dream of you, I didn't want to wake again to my housemates interrogating me about why I had cried during sleep. I had never explained to them, and never would. I didn't want to feel the torturing emptiness again gnawing at my insides after I noticed that you weren't there when I woke up. So I went for a walk. The grounds are very beautiful at night, did you ever know that? There are flowers that bloom only when the sun doesn't shine, living only in the moonlight. It was soothing, but I couldn't escape my self-tormenting there either. I always imagined picking up one of those flowers and sending it to you; but it'd just defeat the whole purpose of my denial. You would instantly know that it was from me, and I would be at your mercy. Because I knew that if you ever again looked at me straight in the eye, my walls would crumble and I would give in. Oh, how easy it would be.

But I knew that we would have to go separate ways one day, and never experiencing the happiness kept giving it away bearable. I spent my time trying to think about anything else, but my mind kept returning to those pain-ridden eyes that promised me everything you could give. And, in one of those weakest moments of mine, you came to me. You touched me again, not caring about me telling you off harshly. It was just a feathery touch, but enough to make my skin burn again and my mind scream for more. Then you looked in my eyes again. I couldn't help it. You whispered my name so softly, and I knew that I was where I belonged, in your arms. We didn't speak, I had seen everything in your eyes and I suspected that you had seen everything in mine. We didn't need words anymore, and I found that a little madness makes life just that much more bearable.

We met so many times at night, escaping our lives for a rendezvous with something not destined to be. Something that would be torn apart after a fleeting moment of happiness, but neither of us cared. We just wanted to be able to find someone who saw us for what we really were, not just the Slytherin Ice Prince Death Eater To-Be and the Gryffindor Boy Who Lived. We didn't want to be on opposing sides in those understanding moments, but time wasn't our ally. The days flew past, and the day I had to make my decision drew closer and closer with every breath.

In my confusion, I made the only reasonable choice. The choice everyone was driving me to. The final night at Hogwarts, I gave you a moon lily. Everyone else was dancing joyously inside, elated and excited of their new lives about to start. But I was scared, I was confused, and what I really wanted to do, was to snuggle up to you and never leave. Of course, nobody knew about our escapades, and I used to laugh at the irony and cliché of it. I no longer do. During the days, we would still be enemies, exchanging insults every time we saw each other, when we really wanted to embrace lovingly, like we did at night. But the final night at Hogwarts, you told me that I needed not to explain, that you understood my choice and me. You had told me that countless times before, but now your voice was bitter and not nonchalant in a melancholy manner as it used to be. I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but you kissed me before I had the chance to. The instant your lips brushed against mine, I knew it was goodbye. It was light, but it held so many emotions: bitterness, grief, understanding, yearning, desire, anve. I knew at that moment that you loved me too, but when I finally opened my eyes after the kiss you were gone. I didn't see the moon lily, so I assumed that you had it with you. I looked inside the Great Hall through the windows. People were so happy and expectant; a perfect contrast to us, who had nothing more to anticipate.

You never told me why you pursued what was 'us' in the beginning, but I needed not to know, and I still don't. All that mattered was your caring, your love, and mine in return. It was simple, but the simplest things can be the most beautiful.

I have woken up many times these nights, wondering where you are and if I made the right choice. But I cannot imagine us together anymore, no matter how hard I yearn for one more kiss and my name from your lips once more. Everything's just too impossible nowadays. For a while our lives were intertwined in a way that should have never been possible, but now it's again your life and my life, separate as they were always supposed to be.

I wonder if you married Virginia Weasley, like everyone seemed to think you would. I wonder if you love her.

I wonder if I'll die tomorrow, and I wonder if that would be for the best.

I wonder if I'll ever see you again.

But the selfish part in me really hopes that you still love me just as I have never stopped loving you. The same part hopes that your sleep is ridden with dreams of me in the moonlight, just like my dreams are ridden with you.

I was wrong, thinking that I could live without you.

Without the madness, everything is painfully clear.

Yours forever,

Draco

Draco slid the piece of parchment inside an envelope, and tied it to his owl's leg. It flew silently into the night, and Draco gazed after it until all he could see was a small black dot marring the dark night sky. The moon was full that night, and the moon lilies in the garden blossomed, perfect in the irony. Draco wondered if the owl would ever reach its destination, and deep inside his heart was afraid that it would. He sighed and went back to bed, only to gaze into those deep, bright emerald eyes again in his dream, never able to hear the voice speak, or feel the hands touch or the lips kiss again in wakefulness.

He had had to write that letter.