Blood of Mud, Wing of Bat

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Chapter 41: Owl the News That's Fit to Print

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This Month in Disasters
Volume CXIV, December 2020

34 Injured in Magical Catastrophe

On Sunday, November 22, 2020, the Department of Auror Affairs issued a press release describing a magical accident which occurred at the Department of Apparition Enforcement's main offices on the morning of Saturday, November 21.

According to Director of Auror Affairs Arthur Weasley, the explosion occurred when an inattentive clerk accidentally put DeGaussier's Miraculous Ink Eraser in her coffee.

The thirty-four injured were among some 75 persons crowding the offices at the time, including Apparition Enforcement employees as well as Aurors from six other departments and members of the Urban Tactical Division of the Wizarding Army. Injuries ranged from burns and lacerations to bizarre transformations, including several Aurors who were brought down by rare allergic reactions strongly resembling the effects of standard Auror combat hexes. Thousands of galleons of damage was also done to the premises.

When asked why there were so many Aurors there at the time of the accident, Weasley maintained a creditable deadpan as he explained, "They weren't. They were transported there spontaneously as part of the magical catastrophe. Very unusual. Unusual, and unfortunate." No one else involved in the accident was permitted to comment pending an investigation.

A spokesperson for DeGaussier's Paper Products remarked, "All I can say is, that must have been one hell of a cup of coffee."

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Wizard Sporting News
Eye on the Sky Update
Morning Edition, November 22, 2020

139 Injured In Quidditch Riot

King's Pitch, Port-de-Soller, Majorca.139 were injured yesterday afternoon when outraged quidditch fans spilled out of the stands at the conclusion of a goodwill match between England's Chudley Cannons and Majorca's own Ibizatown Princes. The violence broke out after Cannons ace Beater Ron Weasley, credited with bringing the Orange and White to their first Cup Playoff in nearly 100 years, was hit with a Howler so severe it drove him completely off the Pitch allowing the Princes Seeker Juan Colibrí to catch the Snitch unmolested and win the game. "That owl was on fire," said one battered Princes fan, as he was seen to by a Healer. "I've never seen a Howler that bad. I hope that Beater fellow is all right." Weasley was last seen attempting to outrun the Howler on his Shazam Levinbolt.

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Excerpt from
The Tattler
Sightings, Saturday, November 21, 2020

…And my heavens, did you hear about the riot at Puerto Sol this afternoon? Apparently Chudley Cannons Beater Ron Weasley thought it'd be a good idea to let a Howler from his wife wait until after the match. And we all know what happens when you let those sit unopened. Now. What could she have been sending a Howler about? Perhaps his hot and sordid affair with Harpies Reservist and Sugar Quill heiress Sheila Lasherton? A regular item, they were spotted together again tonight at a party at the Corvax Country Club outside of Wembley. And speaking of that unhappy marriage, much ado has been made of Hermione Weasley's Apparition from St. Mungo's this morning. But stop the presses… about thirty seconds before that, she'd Apparated to St. Mungo's - hand in hand with none other than wealthy playboy Draco Malfoy. Cast your eyes on this juicy wizard-photo. Now I think that's a lot more interesting than a bit of Apparition, don't you? Seems Ronnie Dearest ought to be sending a Howler of his own right about now.

(Accompanied by a wizard-photo of the handholding couple, repeatedly showing Hermione Weasley's eyes widening and Draco Malfoy's grip tightening on her arm.)

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The Daily Prophet
Midnight Edition
Sunday, November 22, 2020

St. Mungo's Entrance Closed

The Wizarding entrance and Apparition platform for St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries is temporarily unavailable as investigators look into reports that a witch, Hermione Weasley, was able to Apparate from within St. Mungo's Apparition wards early yesterday. Visitors and patients are advised to use the Muggle entrance to the hospital until mid-morning today.

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WWN Morning Report
Sunday, November 22, 2020

Bing Tadley, 96, of Hangerton was arrested early yesterday morning after a standoff lasting nearly 16 hours. Tadley barricaded himself in his home while investigators from Misuse of Muggle Artifacts battled a particularly vicious biting mailbox located on his garden gate. Eight people were injured in the struggle. When Tadley was finally captured, he denied any knowledge of the enchantments on the mailbox. "That's not mine," he insisted. The mailbox is likely the source of the so-called Capp Road Curse, which Muggles believe has caused several postal workers assigned to that route since the mid 1950's to quit their jobs suddenly without explanation.

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Wizarding Business Monthly
Issue #86, November 2020

Company of the Month: Batwing Alchemical & Pharmaceutical

Draco Malfoy is immediately recognizable to anyone who's followed the news or read about Muggle Separation issues. Cartoonists delight in exaggerating his diminutive build and purebred features, his perpetual sneer and arrogant posture. It would be impossible, however, to exaggerate the radicalism of his point of view. His quotes on Wizarding Radio require almost no attribution; his distinctive drawling voice is its own punchline as he delivers outrageous comments intended to create a furor taken either in or out of context. Even those who wouldn't recognize Malfoy himself usually recognize his words.

Some might argue that fame and a venerable history are all that Draco Malfoy and his new acquisition have in common and that it is a union doomed to failure. Others feel that solid old-blood ownership and a focus on tradition and values rather than an increasingly elusive profit margin will do the company good.

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An examination of publicly available records shows that Malfoy's people had been acting in his name to buy up Batwing public stock over a period of about a year beginning September 2018. Early news reports contained claims that Malfoy himself was unaware that he had any part ownership in Batwing, and was informed only after Batten's death. However, many who formerly owned Batwing stock are eager to refute this.

Megan Cott of South Hurst, once a 4% owner, maintains she was 'bullied' out of her shares by Malfoy personally.

"He wouldn't leave me alone," she insisted. "He's not a very nice person, you know. I was afraid for my children's safety."

Charles Haversmith of Chanleigh owned less than 1% when he was approached by Malfoy scant hours before Batten's death.

"I wouldn't say he was unkind about it," Haversmith related, "but he was very firm. He offered far more than the shares were worth and suggested it would be ill-advised to refuse. Of course, at the time I had no idea I was the only owner left besides him and old Mr. Batten, or I might have thought twice."

Trusted sources have confirmed that rather early on, Malfoy also bought part of Batten's own stock in a private transaction that was not publicised. At the time of Batten's death, Malfoy owned 49% of Batwing, while Batten owned 51%. This revelation raised more than a few eyebrows, and some have gone so far as to suggest that Batten ran afoul of Malfoy's reputed organized crime connections after refusing to give up majority ownership. But Malfoy pooh-poohs any notion that there may have been foul play involved in Batten's death.

"The disrespect certain members of the business community have shown for Mr. Batten's memory is simply appalling," he said at a recent interview at our London offices. "At one time Batwing was a great company. Perhaps it can be again. I think that's what Mr. Batten would have wanted, don't you?"

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But can Batwing recover the glory of its heyday?

"If anyone can make it happen, Malfoy can," opined analyst George Stange. "He's proven in the past he is able to identify available talent and expertise and draw on it effectively, regardless of his own lack of experience in a given field. Don't forget he managed to build a powerful monopoly of Muggle companies in an industry he knew nothing about, by relying entirely on the knowledge and skills of others. He was ruthlessly creative about picking the right people, motivating them, and playing them off one another. If there's anyone with any ambition at Batwing, he'll find them and exploit it."

Motivation, with Malfoy, comes in a variety of forms from cash gifts to unsavory threats and even blackmail. "He is definitely not afraid to come across as the bad guy," said Stange. "Nor does he confine himself to speaking the truth. He's willing to say whatever it takes."

Or, apparently, do whatever it takes. Malfoy's first act as Batwing's full owner was to turn Vice President of Sales Maxwell Bannock into an umbrella stand. Malfoy claimed Bannock had been embezzling from the company for decades. "I won't tolerate being stolen from," Malfoy said candidly.

When asked about his plans for the company, however, Malfoy was less willing to talk. "Please," he said smoothly. "It's bad enough I'm forced to turn to business to support myself. Must the sordid details be dragged out before the entire Wizarding World? Suffice it to say, I do intend to keep the doors open. There are no plans to shut down the company at this time. It's a viable company."

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Batwing is, at this point, essentially privately owned. Despite 35% of the shares being publicly listed, Malfoy in fact holds all of them. When asked whether he intended to resell any of the shares on the public market, Malfoy was hesitant to answer. "I hadn't really considered the issue," he claimed.

"He's got to be still smarting over that antitrust ruling," said analyst Gregory Proctor. "I expect he'll leave the option to sell some of those stocks open instead of bringing the company back to being wholly private. We don't have antitrust laws in the Wizarding world, but Batwing does have a 90% market share, and a precedent was set with that Hartsford Strategic Group business. There are those who'd like to see that happen to Malfoy again, even if it means enacting new legislation. If a situation like that started to build, he'd likely try to defuse it by selling the public shares."

Another subject of much interest is how Malfoy plans to handle Batwing's huge Muggle employee base. While Batwing is not the wizarding world's largest employer of Muggles, it does have more Muggle employees working directly on site and in close proximity to wizards than any other wizard-owned company - close to five thousand.

A fervent separationist, Malfoy is the last person many would expect to employ Muggles. However, he says he has no plans to change the makeup of Batwing's workforce anytime soon.

"They're Muggles, which I'm not happy about," he said. "However, they're completely oblivious. They do their work and they go home. If there have to be Muggles, that's about the ideal situation."

According to Malfoy, there was already a strict separation policy in place at Batwing when he took over the company.

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Despite the many important questions that remain unanswered regarding Malfoy's acquisition of Batwing, industry analysts (and indeed, anybody who buys or uses potions ingredients here or on the continent) are finding themselves intrigued by the hints of coming changes that are starting to make themselves known.

Through Sibyll & Co. Know-it-All Consultants Malfoy has hired former radical Hermione Weasley to aid in the rebuilding of the company. One need only look to the turn of the century, when her determination and vision led directly to the freeing of the House-Elves, to see that Weasley possesses the sort of outside-of-the-box thinking and impassioned sense of duty that Malfoy seems to prefer on his teams.

When asked about Weasley's impure bloodlines, Malfoy at first refused to comment. When pressed, however, he said, "If one must suffer the existence of [Muggleborns], they should at least make themselves useful." Hardly charitable words, but from the mouth of a Malfoy they are astonishingly tolerant.

In other changes, Malfoy intends to replace Bev Shortwater, for decades a public fixture at Batwing's front desk.

The replacement has yet to be chosen, but with Batwing currently at the center of the Wizarding business world's attention, it is to be certain Malfoy will pick very carefully.

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Orb: The Thinking Witch's Weekly
Issue #543
Week of Nov 22, 2020

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Are Two Better Than One?
By Marita Bliss

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At one time, divorce was almost unheard of. But more and more often, witches and wizards are getting divorced and remarried… sometimes more than once. This week we'll explore divorce, remarriage, why it happens, and what you as a thinking witch can do about it.

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"Traditionally, of course, divorce was disallowed even in Muggle societies in England," said Elizabeth Froth of the Waverly Weekend Society Social Dynamics Club. "Now it's quite the usual thing. Wizarding culture was slower to take up the practice, and those parts of society that intermingle with Muggles took it up first. It's still frowned upon amongst the more traditional families and purebloods but even there you're starting to see it happen more often."

"Traditionally those from pureblooded families have not married for love," said Sherburne Plowman, head of the Institute for the Study of the Art of Fortuitous Marriage Arrangements. "It's been to produce pureblooded children, and promote alliances between pureblood family lines. But what you will see more and more often, these days, is a wizard of pure blood who was unable to marry well in his first marriage, perhaps a second or third son of a family of modest means. If he later becomes quite successful in life, he may opt to leave his first wife and marry up into better status. This also gives him an opportunity to beget children of better social standing, or children of purer blood than those of his first marriage. If he has done well enough for himself, he often is able to marry someone younger and more beautiful than his first wife, which only adds to the attraction."

This phenomenon is not limited to wizarding societies. In Muggle society it is not unheard of for a Muggle businessman to 'trade up' upon reaching middle age as a financial success. "It's partly instinctual," explains Mack Vader, author of True Male: Survival of the Fittest. "He's growing older compared to his competition and he wants to prove he can still command the best pick of the available mates. We're just animals really, when it comes down to it."

"Codswallop," commented Greta Parker of Kamelbach & Syphon, noted witch's rights attorney. "His wife sacrificed everything to make him successful, and now he's dumping her for a young girl who he can mold to his liking, and who looks good on his arm at social functions. Perhaps someone who is more fun to be around than his poor, hardworking wife, someone he thinks his friends and business associates will envy him for."

More than one person interviewed for this article pointed to Ron Weasley of the Chudley Cannons, recently in the news, as an example. "He's of pure blood but he was the sixth son," said Plowman. "His family was among the lowest in social standing of the old pureblood families at the time. Realistically speaking there was only so well he could expect to marry. Hermione Granger was a Muggle-born witch, yes, but she also had a very promising future. She was very bright and well-connected. He could have done a lot worse. His family's politics were quite liberal at the time, very pro-Muggle, so he had nothing to worry about regarding their approval. And with such a large family and so few inheritable assets of his own, producing an heir would not have been one of his immediate concerns."

Vader, too, brought up the subject of Weasley and Granger. "Let's face it, she was the girl next door," he said. "They were friends at Hogwarts, and it just seemed natural at the time. But now that he's successful, and he's growing older and probably reached the peak of his Quidditch career, he's looking to improve his lot. He's always had to make do with hand-me-downs and what he could get. Now he wants something just for him. Wouldn't you?"

A good question. Witches are not as well known for practicing the same kind of 'trading up', but everyone has heard of young gold-diggers who marry ancient wizards with the intention of becoming fabulously wealthy when their aged husbands die. Even younger wizards can fall victim to hungry brides who don't intend for the marriages to last, if their assets are attractive enough.

Speaking of wealthy younger wizards, another recent media example - coincidentally also connected with Hermione Weasley - is Draco Malfoy.

"Malfoy had a traditional marriage arrangement," said Plowman. "He was betrothed to Pansy Parkinson when they were children, and everything went through as planned. They were married for about ten years and produced two pureblooded children before their lives took them in opposite directions."

Opposite directions indeed! Parkinson is now an Auror Special Operations agent, while Malfoy is widely believed to be an inner-circle Death Eater and devoted worshiper of You-Know-Who.

"Because he got the business of producing an heir out of the way early in life, he's now free to do whatever he pleases," continued Plowman. "He's been married several times since then, probably for specific strategic reasons. If you look at what's publicly available of his prenuptial agreements, they tend to insist that he retain custody of any children, while allowing huge monetary rewards to the wife upon divorce. His lawyers are among the best, so it's quite likely those rewards were the point to the marriages in the first place. One doesn't get anything out of a contract written by Blitzkrieg & Ramhomme that one wasn't intended to get."

Vader thinks the marriages were less calculated than that. "Malfoy's showing off," he opined. "He has the money, he has the time. Why shouldn't he experiment a bit, see what he likes, while also making it known how desirable he is, flaunting himself a bit? It's only to his advantage. Think of a peacock showing his plumage to all the available hens."

Predictably, Greta Parker had a less charitable opinion of the whole business. "He's an arse," she stated baldly. "A self-absorbed, imperious arse, a racist, and a bigot. He's got severe financial and legal problems, he belongs to a cult, and let's not forget that he has been accused of being a mass murdering psycho as well. These witches are lured in by the promise of fame, wealth and a glamorous lifestyle, but the reality is much different. He can't keep a wife because nobody can stand what he's like as a person outside of the public view. No amount of money is worth being shackled to someone like that. If it wasn't for those generous prenuptial agreements he'd never get anyone to marry him at all."

Currently single once again, Malfoy must seem ripe for the plucking to gold-digging young witches.

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But I am sure our readers are wondering, what can a thinking witch (or wizard) do to avoid being entrapped by a gold-digger or someone who is only going to 'trade up' later? Indeed, how can someone who is already married prevent it from happening to them with their current spouse?

"First of all," said Froth, "it's important to understand that divorce has actually been very good for the wizarding world. People grow apart. Especially people who met when they were quite young and not yet grown into their adult roles. There used to be a far higher rate of domestic violence and even murders of spouses before divorce became so commonplace. It's an important release valve when a marriage just no longer works. How many marriage-related Magical Disasters have you read about in the last decade, as compared to fifty years ago?"

"It's all in the prenup," Greta Parker asserted. "If you nail him in the prenuptial agreement, there's nothing he can do to you. How many men will cheat on their spouse if they've signed in blood vowing their 'manhood' will grow an enormous wart on it if they dally with another witch? How many will ask for a divorce if the prenuptial agreement calls for them to have arse-boils for forty years and forty nights if they do?"

"What these people do is only natural," said Vader. "But what you want to do in revenge is natural too. Go with your instincts. If you feel you need to challenge someone to a duel in order to salvage your honor - and keep or win back your mate - then by all means, go for it."

"I think what it all comes down to is practicality," said Plowman. "While we might not like it, some kinds of marriages - and divorces - are simply the best way to handle certain situations. You simply must analyze your situation, think about the future, and try to be as careful as possible. Get a good lawyer and make sure your own assets are protected while still allowing you the union you want. That way you're covered either way."

Well. Certainly a lot to think about. Next week's article will be about home-tutoring vs. sending your children to Muggle schools, and what people have to say about that. Until then - don't stop thinking!

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