Forgetting

So you buried all your lovers clothes,

and burned the letters lover wrote,

but it doesn't make it any better,

does it make it any better?

And the plaster dented from your fist,

in the hallway you had your first kiss,

reminds you that the memories will fade...

- Dashboard Confessional/The Brilliant Dance

Forgetting

I remember the first time I heard you say 'I love you.' It was nighttime and the wind was fierce, blowing my hair in all directions, nothing but a tangled mess. You had just won a quidditch match, and were full of good humor and watted smiles. We were standing on the pitch as the stars watched over us, twinkling merrily at our young innocent love.

But you were never innocent, were you?

You grabbed my hand and pulled me to you, dancing slowly to a song only we could hear. I laughed, embarrassed. This was so unlike you. But you were grinning, you were happy. And seeing you happy always made me giddy and careless.

It should have happened more.

I remember thinking that this moment should last forever, all the while knowing it couldn't. And then you made it even better.

'You mean more to me then anything in this world,' you whispered, looking dead into my eyes. My heart held still, and I touched your face. I heard 'I love you.' You never said the words, part of you was still a little boy, scared to put love in anyone who could break your heart.

But I would never do that.

We danced under the moon that night.

It felt like floating on the clouds.

__ __ ___ __ __

Months later, and the war is running us ragged. We saw each other scarcely, and you were always in a bad mood. Your eyes no longer laughed, instead they were empty and sad. Sometimes you would cry on my shoulder. We would talk for hours, and in the end, fall asleep in each other's arms.

You told me you were scared. But I could never see it in you face. You were always the brave one, taking on adventures head on, not worrying about the consequences.

Deep down, I knew that you were wearing thin.

We all wanted it to end.

Me, I wanted it to end. If not to put a stop to the suffering, but only to see a smile on your face again. But life for you wasn't easy, it never was.

And morning would come. You would leave for missions that were far too dangerous to speak of out loud. I tried to hold back my tears as I watched you leave.

'I love you, come back.'

You would look at me and smile half-heartedly, kiss my forehead, and hold my hand until we were too far apart. Every time you reached the doorway, you would look back at me and place one hand over your heart, all the while holding my eyes.

I knew this was your way of saying that you loved me. I can admit that I always waited for the words, but knew I didn't need to hear them. They were in your touch, in the way you would look at me as if I was the only thing you needed in the world. No oxygen, no food, no shelter. Just me, and you would live forever.

But nobody can live forever.

And now I'm sitting near your headstone. I brought a bouquet of lilies, but they lay forgotten on the Earth behind me. I forget a lot of things these days.

It hurts. I miss you so much.

And not the moments when we snuggled on the couch. I miss the things I used to hate about you. The way you would always look in the mirror and frown as if seeing something unpleasant. The way you would eat peaches with cottage cheese. Or how you would listen to Wandless' "My Favorite Witch" loudly in the kitchen while frying grilled cheese even though you knew I can't stand Wandless. If I could only hear you sing it one more time...

I miss you.

I can't feel anything. I can't think. Only of you and your gorgeous smile.

When I was little, I wanted to fall in love. There is no way to describe the feeling unless you've felt it. But in my heart, I know there is no possible way there was ever a love like ours. It was real, it was pure, and we gave it everything we had.

But it wasn't enough.

It wasn't enough to keep you alive.

And I hate you for it.

I hate you so much for leaving me, that my house is empty of your belongings. Nothing there can remind me of you, and yet still it does. How I don't know. Even love letters that you wrote me during that last year of school, are all now nothing but ash now.

I hate you for leaving me with nothing but memories. Memories that are becoming more distant as the years pass. I hate you for always thinking of others, and never yourself.

I hate you for being special. I hate you for being a saviour.

You robbed me of a future; the future that you promised me.

You weren't meant to save anyone but me, and you accomplished that. And now your gone, and I'm drowning in a way that needs no water.

I don't understand. Why you had to leave me facing the world alone. You're not here to kill the mice that used to make me squeal and jump on the kitchen chairs. Your not here to tell me I'm beautiful, to share my sodas.

You're not here.

And I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I wish I could forget you. Forget the love I felt when you were near, the swelling of my heart. I wish I could forget those long nights where we would lay in each other's arms, making love and talking for hours.

But I can't. Forgetting you would be an insult to a man who deserves the world for the countless lives you saved.

Some days I don't feel like getting out of bed. I think that maybe if I stay there long enough, my pain will eventually get the better of me, and I can die.

Then we will be together in a place far more happier than here.

But then I think of your defiance, your determination to stay alive long enough to achieve a purpose. And I get up, and I go through the mechanics of the day, thoughts full of that night under the stars.

That's the only way I can help you now.

Keep on living.