Perfect Son

Perfect Son

*Note: These events do not all happen in a single day.

I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Feeling so faithless

Lost under the surface

Once again, you bring up the subject of becoming a Death Eater. You always want me to be exactly what you are. I'm so tired of all this. I know it's really because you want what's best for me, but do you really care about what I want to be? The way you talk to me makes me feel so guilty. You seem so confident that I will make the "right" choice. This way, how can I possibly let you down? I always did what you wanted me to do. I was always the obedient son. Always the perfect son. How can I let you down when you believe so highly of me? What am I supposed to do now?

I don't know what you're expecting of me

Put under the pressure

Of walking in your shoes

So what if I really do become a Death Eater? What do I do next? No one would want me then. You always tell me the life of a Death Eater is honorable, but those "goody-two-shoes" just don't see it. You promise a life of riches and pride when I step by the Dark Lord's side. This, I agree with you. I will have no regrets, since I would already be brainwashed. You keep pressuring me, wanting an answer. But I keep procrastinating. The truth is, I don't want to follow in your footsteps. I don't believe in what you believe in. You think that all Muggle-borns, especially that "Mudblood Granger girl", are all stupid and ugly, and aren't worth anyone's time. Hermione is, in fact, a very intelligent girl. I've only recently noticed just how beautiful she really is. As I got to know her better by doing projects together, she's quite interesting to talk to and she's a wonderful person. Your prejudices aren't mine.

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

Become so tired

So much more aware

I'm becoming this

All I want to do

Is be more like me

And be less like you

Now, you are telling me the things you've told me about a million times before. I can't hear you anymore, but I know what you're saying. I respond mechanically, not paying attention, while I'm enveloped in my own thoughts. What should I do? My rebellious side is taking over me these days--a side that I didn't even know I had. I'm becoming so tired of your incessant babble about how being a Death Eater pays off. I don't care anymore.

You have to face it. I'm just not you and I doubt I would ever be. Stop thinking that I will be exactly like you, because I won't. I'm not living a life of servitude, fear, and betrayal. I'm going to be my own man. I've noticed this change in me, and you should too. Your ideals are not mine, and neither are the Dark Lord's. I am simply me, and you are you. And quite frankly, nothing is going to change that. I'm not even going to bother trying to be you, or anyone else for that matter. This is the way I like it, and I'm going to keep it this way.

Can't you see that you're smothering me

Holding to tightly

Afraid to lose control

I know you're doing all this to me because you love me. Have you ever heard of the saying, "if you really love someone, you have to know when to let him go"? You can't make me stay here forever. Now you're so used to the fact that I'd do whatever you say, whenever you say it, you don't even consider the possibility that I might say "no" for once in my life. You always have absolute control over me, and I know that you're afraid to lose it. I'm very sorry about having to break this to you, but you must know. This is my future we're talking about and I should have every right over it. You shouldn't be deciding for me. You are only here to provide guidelines, but I can choose not to follow them.

Everything that you thought I would be

Has fallen apart

Right in front of you

I did it. I can't believe myself, but I did it. I had to interrupt you in mid-sentence, but I still told you my unwillingness to join the Dark Lord's ranks. Once again, I'm sorry for making you have to bear having a son who failed you, but I'm not sorry at all for my decision. Once again, I am me, not you. I'm going to be my own person. I already feel like a new man.

You can't believe your ears, and I understand your reaction. I anticipated it. You look at me like your ears deceived you. I repeat myself, feeling more confident. Your jaw drops and you look at me in utter disbelief. I wish that you wouldn't. It doesn't help me feel any better about failing you. All those years of hard work you used to model me into a perfect son has just shattered into a million pieces, and right in front of you.

I've become so numb

I can't feel you there

Become so tired

So much more aware

I'm becoming this

All I want to do

Is be more like me

And be less like you

And I know

I may end up failing too

I go to Dumbledore, asking whether there are any services that I can provide to the Light side. He seems delighted about my offer, and immediately suggests membership to the Order of the Phoenix. This means that I have to work alongside Potter and Weasley, who seem to tolerate me now. Hermione, my girlfriend, will also be there. I think that's where I will truly be happy, even though I may end up failing too.

But I know

You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I know you are very disappointed in me, but you respect my decision. You told me once what your father did to you when you refused to be what he wanted you to be. You vowed that you would never do such a thing to your own son. Thank you so much for keeping your promise.

I am happy with my decision. I won't have to end up in Azkaban like you, and eventually have to escape. I will live the rest of my life working with the greats. Hermione and I are even thinking about marriage. Everyone seems to like me, even Potter and Weasley. Following in your footsteps can never lead to such good things.

To everyone, I really am the perfect son. Just not to you anymore.

~ FIN ~