A Very Weird Fic

A Very Weird Fic

"Guess what."

"What?"

"I'm in the paper." He snatched the paper aggressively pouring milk across the table (Don't ask how).

"Lemme see that! What the F-?!"

"-Shhh...don't bloody swear. My ears are delicate. Last time you swore they shrivelled up!"

"But when the f-," interrupted by excruciating screams, "did you do an interview?"

"Ages ago," he said whilst massaging the remains of his ears. "Are you going to read it or is the reader going to leave so soon?"

"I can't read this! It's too, it's too...well it's, I mean...this can't..."

"Stop trying to fill the fic with words and get on with it will you!"

"Oh, I...okay, if you say so."

"That's what I've been trying to say so for the," stopping the timer, "past 28 minutes."

"That long? Okay, I'll do it, but only because the typist is typing and I can't stop her typing fingers typing-"

"I'll do it!" He (I don't know who yet) cleared his throat, de-creased the paper and read aloud"

'Hedwig the owl, property of Harry Potter of number 4 Privet Drive, Surrey, England, United Kingdom, Europe etc etc, has been found trespassing the grounds of the Ministry of Magic using Muggle devices known as mobile phones (stuff that you talk through and hear another person talking on the other side -Ed). Hedwig the owl has been charged with six months in Azkaban Owlery because it was thought that 600 months was too much. And-'

"WHAT?!" Harry (I decided on Harry because of Hedwig, logical no?), who had been busy making up a list of fresh new swear words yelled. "Hedwig has been using a mobile phone? I told her that I wanted one and she flapped me hard round the head for suggesting such a thing!"

"Harry, you muppet. Hedwig's been sent to the Azkaban Owlery! That'll be in her record and she will be on probation which means that you won't be able to send letters or anything and I'm running out of breath," Ron said as he gasped for air with difficulty.

"Wait a minute. I thought you said that you were in the paper and you had done an interview," Harry mumbled as he chewed up the swear word filled paper.

"Did I? Oh, I guess I'm going senile. Oh well, better buy those granny slippers and the pipe then, innit?"

"Erm...yeah, sure whatever you think is the best for you Ron." Harry pulled a fresh a fresh piece of paper and drew Ron riding a pig dressed that was dressed in a yellow jumper.

"Look, this is boring. Can't we go out or something? I want to go and throw some more Stink Pellets on Malfoy and his coronations," Ron said.

"Do you mean cronies?" Harry corrected him.

"If you say so Herbert."

"Okay, then let's go. Wait Ron, shall I tell Hermione to join us?"

"Harmony? No, Harmony can stay and eat her hats."

'Hats?' Harry thought to himself. And did he just call him Herbert? "You sure you feeling okay Ron?"

"Of course I am Hobbs."

"Well come on then," Harry said uncertainly.

They were walking along the corridor when Peeves the pest Poltergeist swooped down and punched Ron's lights out. Ten minutes later Ron woke up.

"Merlin's beard Harriet. I had the funniest dream. I thought I was swooped down upon and had my lights knocked out."

"Yeah, you did. Remind me to buy you some new ones at B&Q this summer."

"Where are we anyway?" said Ron.

"Near the dungeons. I had to drag you down the stairs. I think your skull broke a few times. But I Accio-ed Pomfrey in a jiffy and she gave you an overdose of Skele-Gro."

"Oh, that's why I thought I was going bald," he said as he felt his head. "Apparently, my hair won't reach out to some areas due to the large mass of my head."

"Spot on Professor Bozo. Do you want to knock on the Slytherin portrait or shall I?"

"No, I'll do it, I'll do it!" Ron punched the portrait's nose very hard and barked at him several times before Malfoy's pointy face appeared from behind and got smacked on his left eye so badly his lights got knocked out.

"Uh-oh. I didn't mean to hit Madly on his conk."

For the safety of your sanity, dear reader, I will stop here. No characters were harmed during the dull process of this crappy fic. Please excuse the 59 plot holes and many uncharacteristic features. I beg you not to burn me at the stake and please forgive me if I have disturbed you for the rest of your life.

"There, finished. Like it?" Hermione asked Ginny as she finished the fic and was ready to submit it to Fictionalley.

"Yep. Looks fine to me," said Ginny as she scanned it for extra stupid stuff on Ron and Harry.

"That should teach them not to mess with us next time, eh? Drunk and fancying Crabbe and Goyle, I think not!" Hermione looked at Ginny's face cracking in a wicked smile.

"Oh yes, I forgot to tell you. Dean is very familiar with this site and I think he's submitting a really long fic about all the embarrassing things Ron and Harry got up to in their dormitory when they thought nobody was looking."

The girls looked at each other and burst into laughter.

Wiping the tears from her face Hermione said, "What's Dean written anyway?"

"Let's save that for another rainy day."