Lost

Lost

Chapter Fifteen

Hermione sat back from the pensieve, unable to do anything but stare at the cold stone basin. Severus´ past was one of the Trio´s favorite things to speculate on, but what she had just witnessed was nowhere near anything they had imagined. Tears threatened to spill from her tired eyes as she continued to watch the pensieve. It was no wonder Severus didn´t want to see her now; no wonder that he had treated her horribly for her first six years at school. The past that haunted him was directly caused by her appearance in his life. If she had never gone back, if they had never fallen in love, he wouldn´t have gone to Voldemort.

The guilt began to build and she felt the beginnings of nausea settle in the pit of her stomach.

No she thought, sitting up resolutely. It isn´t my fault.

The queasiness didn´t go away, however, and she pulled herself up from her seat intent on a long stay in the bathroom. She was searching for something to hold back her hair when there was a knock on her bedroom door. Her brow furrowed as she went to unward and open the door. Who would be visiting me in the middle of the night?

A blast of light assaulted her as she pulled open the door, and she gave a little groan as she covered her eyes. After a moment she was able to look up again only to look up and see Harry, fully dressed and looking at her with concern.

"Why didn´t you come to breakfast?" he asked, walking into the room.

Hermione looked at him, confused. "Breakfast?"

"Yes, breakfast," Harry took in her disheveled appearance and day old robes and frowned. "It´s nine o´clock; you do know that, right?" She looked at him with such surprise, that he gathered that she hadn´t. "What have you been doing all night?"

"Severus gave me a pensieve," she said, still unable to grasp what had happened. "I must have been in there for eight hours." She sat down heavily on the bed. "I lost all track of time in there, no wonder I am so tired."

Harry looked at her warily, chewing his bottom lip. He obviously wanted to ask her about what she had seen, but couldn´t come up with a tactful way to ask. She sighed; it was just as well, she wasn´t particularly keen on recounting the experience just yet.

"I think that I need a shower and a good, long sleep. Do you think that you could do me a huge favor and get a vial of Dreamless Sleep potion from Madam Pomfrey?" sheasked him, with a pleading look.

"Sure," he said, giving her a sympathetic smile. If anyone knew about wanting to avoid nightmares, it was Harry Potter. "Try to take care of yourself, okay? And, if you need someone to talk to..." he trailed off, shrugging a bit.

"Thank you," she said, with as big a smile as she could manage.

He gave her a lopsided grin and walked back out into the hallway, closing the door behind him. As soon as he was gone she picked herself up and ambled into the bathroom. She silently thanked the house-elves as the tub filled up with hot water and the soothing scent of chamomile flowers. The sweet smelling steam and relaxing warmth of the water washed away all the thoughts from her mind, and she quickly fell into an empty quasi-dream state, concentrating only on the small splashes against the porcelain and the flickering light of the candles. When her fingers and toes started to prune up she hauled herselfup out of the tub, and climbed into a long cotton nightdress.

"Harry?" she called out through the bathroom door, as she prepared to enter the room. "Are you in there?"

"No," said a voice that was nothing like Harry´s.

Hermione pushed open the door, groaning. "Sirius? I don´t mean to be rude, but I don´t want visitors at the moment, alright?"

The tall, lean form of Sirius Black was sitting on her bed, slightly obscured by the still darkness of her room. In his left hand was a fat vial of a swirling liquid, and she guessed that Harry had passed her Dreamless Sleep potion along. "Is that for me?" she asked, moving forward to take the delicate glass out of his hand.

"Yes," he replied, "Madam Pomfrey wasn´t too keen on simply handing it out to Harry, so he asked me to get it for you instead. I hope that´s alright."

She gave him a grateful smile. "Thank you, I´m really in desperate need of an empty sleep."

It was becoming hard for her to stand on her feet. The memories from the pensieve kept pushing against the back of her brain, begging for attention, but she was just not ready to deal with them. Lightly, she pushed Sirius off of the bed, where she started to turn down the covers, almost drooling in the anticipation of laying her head down on the pillows.

"Hermione," Sirius said, helping to uncork the vial as she slipped under the duvet. "Harry told me about... well, why you´re so tired, and I just wanted you to know that when you´re ready to talk about it, I´m here to listen. Why don´t you come and find me when you wake up?"

"Thank you, Sirius," she said, accepting the vial of potion from him. He looked down at her kindly, and she felt a sharp pang in her heart; the soft light of the candles made him look much younger. Forcing her eyes shut she downed the vial of the sickly sweet liquid, and before she had the time to feel relieved, she was soundly, and dreamlessly, asleep.

~*~

Sirius opened his eyes, with the distinct feeling of Déjà vu. Settled on the sofa bed in Remus´ study he had been happily enjoying a particularly pleasant dream when someone started pounding on the door as if the castle was burning down. Being a canine animagus had the useful side effect of an exaggerated sense of smell, so he could tell before he opened the door that it was Hermione who had roused him, yet again, from his sleep. Stifling a yawn he rose from the bed and threw on a bathrobe before lighting several candles with his wand. The pounding continued, and he jogged the remaining distance to the door and flung it open, catching Hermione in mid rap.

"Hermione, what´s..." he trailed off as she launched herself through the doorway and into the room, where she promptly began pacing.

"I shouldn´t be here," she said after a few moments, dropping onto the bed while cradling her head in her hands and sniffling softly.

"Of course you should be here," Sirius said, kneeling beside her and passing over a handkerchief, which she accepted gratefully. "I told you to come to me when you wanted to talk."

"That´s just it," she said, blowing her nose a little. "I shouldn´t talk to you about this, it isn´t my right to tell you, but..." she ran a hand through her hair, "I need to talk to someone."

Tact was something that Sirius was not known for, but he understood Hermione´s dilemma. A Technicolor recounting of Snape´s past was surely enough to make one require counseling, but she felt such a deep loyalty and, though he still hated to admit it, love for the man that she didn´t want to do anything that might betray his confidence. A flash of annoyance passed through him briefly as he wondered if Snape realized what he had in her.

"It´s alright," he said, in what he hoped was a soothing voice. "You can tell me everything and then Obliviate me afterwards, if it makes you feel better." This got a half amused glare from her, and he grinned. "Or you could leave that honor to Snape, I´m sure he´d appreciate it."

This got a full-fledged chuckle, although it was punctuated by the beginnings of a sob. "That he would, I´ve no doubt," she said, handing back the handkerchief, which he threw to the floor.

"Why don´t you just start talking, alright?" Sirius asked, lying back against the pillows on the bed and pulling Hermione in to rest on his chest. "Don´t worry about betraying Snape or any nonsense like that. I swear not to mention anything you tell me, no matter what, alright?"

She nodded and curled up closer to him, in a way that was reminiscent of himself as a dog. "I hate time," she said, her voice somewhat hoarse. "It´s this horrible paradox that just laughs in your face. There´s no beginning, no ending, and there is no one to blame. If Severus hadn´t given me detention, I wouldn´t have gone back in time, but if I hadn´t gone back in time, Severus wouldn´t have given me detention. Still... everything that he went through... it seems like it´s entirely my fault."

There was a pause, and he could tell that she was wrapping her mind around the complexities that time travel invoked. He stroked her hair softly. "You were right the first time, Hermione. There isn´t anyone to blame. You have to remember that whatever happened, it wasn´t your fault."

"It feels like it though," she sighed, twisting her fingers around the belt of his robe absently.

Silence stretched on for several minutes, while Hermione seemed to retreat into herself. Every few seconds she would draw a breath to speak but then let it out slowly, as if she thought better of it. Sirius continued to pat her hair absently, while he searched his brain for how to handle the situation. What would Remus do?

Get her talking the voice of his best friend prodded. She needs to get this out of her system.

Right, thought Sirius, nodding slightly. How do I do that?

His inner Remus sighed heavily. You´ve got someone with you who knows the entire history of Severus Snape, and you´re telling me you don´t know how to start a conversation with her? What have you been wondering about the man for the past twenty years?

"Was Snape a Death Eater while he was in Hogwarts?" He asked this question out loud, wondering at his own daring. It was strictly taboo in the Inner Circle to ask about Snape´s past.

"No," the reply came with force, but she didn´t elaborate.

Alright, he thought, that got me no where.

Inner Remus smacked his head in exasperation. You have to keep asking questions!

Oh.

"When did he become a Death Eater, then?"

"The summer after seventh year," her voice hitched as she said this, but again she didn´t elaborate.

Sirius realized that he was going to have to play twenty questions, as it were, if he wanted her to work through her emotions at what she had seen in the pensieve. "Why did he go to Voldemort?"

Her tiny body stiffened slightly as she answered him. "He hated Dumbledore. First he didn´t expel you when you tried to kill him," here Sirius shifted guiltily, "then he wouldn´t believe Severus when he accused you four of casting the spell, and finally he refused to help Severus find a way to bring me back."

Of course, he thought, tightening his arms around her, and no wonder she feels to blame.

"Tell me about his time as a Death Eater." She shuddered horribly, and shook her head, refusing to speak. "Come on, Hermione, I know you don´t want to think about it, but you can´t just push it to the back of your mind. Snape didn´t show you just so you could forget about it. If you truly think you can be with him, you´ve got to be able to deal with his past."

This seemed to strengthen her resolve, and she took a great breath. "At first, he didn´t do much of anything. He was set up with a Potions Master, Evan Rosier, to apprentice, and little else was required of him. Voldemort was more interested in Severus´ money than anything else, and since Rosier always reported that Severus was progressing well and was adept at brewing Dark potions, he was left to his own devices. When he wasn´t brewing, he was researching the Dark spell used on me, trying to find some way to reverse it. It went like that for about a year, until Rosier was killed by an Auror. Since there were no other Death Eaters skilled in potion making Severus was thrust into Rosier´s previous position supplying Voldemort with all of the potions he required, Dark or otherwise. Two weeks after Rosier´s death Severus attended his first real Dark Meeting to distribute his potions and receive new instructions. It was horrible."

Pausing in her story, Hermione rose from the bed. In the shadows of the room she looked as pale as a ghost, and twice as troubled. Sirius sat up on the bed, but made no move towards her. She walked back and forth in front of the bed, hugging herself and attempting to bite back tears.

"Merlin, Sirius, it was awful. They tortured a young Auror for information, and Severus had to sit there and watch. If he had done anything, protested in any way, they would have killed him too. Afterwards he apparated back to the cottage he was living in and was sick for hours. I don´t think he truly realized what he had gotten himself into until that point, and he saw no way out of it. He didn´t trust Dumbledore to help him, the ministry would have killed him on sight, and Voldemort would have killed him if he tried to just walk away. There was nothing for him to do but to throw himself into his potions and to pray that he didn´t do anything to draw attention to himself. For the next two years he lived like that, brewing potions, going to terrifying meetings, and staying as inconspicuous as possible. He became even more antisocial than before, locking himself in his laboratory for days on end, and not speaking to anyone outside of meetings. He gave up on researching the spells; he didn´t want me to see what he had become."

Cringing, she shut her eyes tightly, obviously reliving the horrific things that she had seen. There was nothing he could say to make it better; she would have to deal with those demons on her own. Inwardly he cursed Snape for allowing her to witness them, no matter what the circumstances. She crawled back over to him on the bed, accepting the only comfort that he could give her, a warm embrace. "Why did he return to the Light side?"

"One night, at a gathering, they brought in a young girl, a muggle, who looked extraordinarily like me. Several of them raped her, and I could tell by the look on his face that he was imagining that it was me, and he was beside himself with revulsion. It was midnight exactly when she died, on September 19, 1981. The day I was born. He took it as a sign, and instead of apparating back to his home, he went straight to Hogsmeade and then to Dumbledore."

Hermione ran a hand through her already tousled hair. The worry lines on her forehead looked almost chiseled in, making her appear a lot older than she was. "He sat in Dumbledore´s office for about three hours, talking without stop. He told him everything that he possibly could, names, plans, targets, weaknesses... anything that he thought could be of some help. At the end of his speech, Dumbledore asked him why he was turning himself in. At first he gave another rambling reply about the guilt and disgust he felt, which was quite sincere, but somehow flat. Dumbledore watched him for a few minutes afterwards before asking again, `Why Severus? Why come to me with all of this?´ For the first time since he walked in the door Severus looked straight into the Headmaster´s eyes and said, `It´s what Hermione would have wanted.´"

A great sob escaped from her and she collapsed against him, utterly exhausted. Sirius made soothing sounds as he rubbed her shoulders lightly. The hard part was over; he knew most of what happened next. She seemed willing to continue, however, so he let her finish the tale.

"He stayed at Hogwarts for several days while the Headmaster tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he approached Severus with two options; he could either turn himself into the Ministry, with Dumbledore´s promise that he wouldn´t be administered the Dementor´s Kiss, as they were doing to all Death Eaters caught at that time, or he could become a spy until such time when Voldemort was defeated. He chose to become a spy, again because it was what I `would have wanted.´ The next year passed much like the ones before, except that now Severus was paying closer attention to what was said at the meetings and imparting anything of value to Dumbledore. When Lily´s sacrifice," both she and Sirius shut their eyes at this, "defeated Voldemort on that Halloween, Severus returned to Hogwarts, where Dumbledore welcomed him openly and gave him the post as Potions Master. Not everyone trusted him, but they didn´t dare contradict Dumbledore, so he was left in relative peace. After the years he began building his life again, even becoming friends with several of the teachers. Then I showed up, and he was forced to teach me, sit with me in his classroom day in and day out, and watch me put myself in danger, all without hinting at what was to come. He even had to give me the time turner that would cause this whole mess."

Sirius shook his head, and for the first time in his life he felt sympathy for Severus Snape. He was all too familiar with the strength it took to be around Hermione before the accident. He´d only had to do it for three years, and even then none too frequently, and Snape had to do it for six, almost constantly.

"What now, Sirius?" she asked, looking like a deflated balloon.

"I don´t know, love," he replied. "That´s going to have to be up to you, and Snape."

After waiting for her reply for several minutes Sirius looked down and discovered that she had fallen fast asleep. Shifting so that he could pull the blankets up to cover them he decided that it was probably for the best. There was only so much that one could handle at a time and the poor girl deserved a little break. He kissed her forehead lightly and extinguished the candles with a flick of his wand.

Staring out into the darkness of the room he doubted that he would be able to sleep.

~*~

"You heard me correctly, Mr. Creevey. Forty points will be taken from Gryffindor, each. Unless you´d care to make it more?" Severus looked down at the pair of Gryffindors, who were shivering slightly under his gaze. He realized that he was being completely malicious in taking so many points off of them, but at this point he couldn´t bring himself to care. Just seeing the red crest on their robes was enough to send him into a rage. "What, no answer? Perhaps you´d like a detention to go with those points."

Creevey´s companion spoke up in a small, scared voice. "N... no sir, Professor, we´re very... um... sorry, and it... ah... won´t happen again?" she asked this in the form of a question, and Severus rolled his eyes. Gryffindors! Never assertive when they need to be.

"That is correct, Miss Weasley, it won´t. Now, get back to your common room before I change my mind and punish you further." The very second the words were out of his mouth the two young lions speed down the hallway and out of his sight. He turned the other way, intent on finding more students to terrorize, when he almost tread on the tail of a small tabby cat.

Sighing heavily, Severus folded his arms into his robes. "Spying now, are we Minerva?"

As he spoke the cat shifted and enlarged to become an amused looking Minerva McGonagall. "Certainly not, Severus. I was just making sure that you didn´t frighten my Gryffindors too horribly."

He continued to walk down the hallway, with Minerva close beside. "Not to worry, no doubt they´ll come across some insect crawling about the floor and forget all about the incident. I suppose there are hidden blessings in miniscule attention spans."

At this Minerva gave a great chuckle. "Well, aren´t you in an agreeable mood this evening."

Stopping in his tracks to give her a withering glare he growled, "Excuse me, if I don´t find much to be `agreeable´ about at the moment. Now, was there something you wanted, or was it your intention to follow me around and annoy me all night?"

"While the latter does have its appeal, I´m afraid that it is the former. Perhaps we could step into my office?" She gestured to the door on Severus´ left, and he did a small double take. He hadn´t realized that he had climbed so high into the castle. He frowned, Unconsciously walking towards Gryffindor tower, are we Severus? One doesn´t have to be Freud to figure this out.

To Minerva he sighed, "If you insist, but let us please make this brief."

He followed her into the office, wincing as he did so. While it had never truly bothered him before, walking into an office decorated in rich reds and gold was not something that he cared to do at the moment. The large Gryffindor pendant hanging behind her chair wasn´t helping matters much either. He slipped into the chair closest to the door, and his escape route, hoping to retreat as soon as possible.

"Tea, Severus? Perhaps a mug of cocoa if you´d prefer?" She asked mildly, obviously noting his discomfort.

Resisting the urge to snap a sarcastic reply he simply shook his head and uttered a terse, "No, thank you."

She pursed her lips, and conjured up a mug of cocoa before sitting down opposite him. "I suppose I might as well just get on with it then. I need to speak with you about Hermione Granger."

Severus felt a small bit of heat begin to rise in his cheeks. Looking at his colleague indignantly he sputtered, "Certainly not, Minerva. I fail to see how my private life, or what was once my private life, is any of your concern."

"Actually, this has nothing to do with your `private life,´ fascinating though it may be. The fact is that we don´t have any real idea of what to do with her, at the moment. Obviously a time accident of this nature has never happened before, so we are not quite certain how to proceed with her education." She paused and swirled the sweet liquid around in her glass, pensively. "On the one hand, she has both technically graduated from Hogwarts and lived nineteen and a half years, thanks to her overzealous use of the time turner and the months she spent in the past. Looking at those circumstances it doesn´t seem right to keep her here, when she has already completed her education and is much older than the other students."

Severus tried to think on a purely professional level, pretending that this was just the case of another random student, and not the girl he had fallen in love with. "I don´t see what the problem is then, Minerva. Give her a diploma and send her on her way."

She shot him a glare. "It isn´t as easy as all that, Severus. While she has indeed technically done all these things, there is still some debate at whether the ministry, or indeed anyone outside of Hogwarts, will accept it. While she has lived nearly twenty years, her true age is only seventeen, and the muggle authorities, and most magical ones, won´t count her as any older than that. The same goes for her education. If she chose to attend a muggle university, or apprentice magically, there would be a discrepancy between the numbers of years she has spent in school. You could hardly explain to a muggle that she spent her last year in the seventies, and most magical employers will have problems with her education being completed in a different decade than the one she started in. So, as you can see, we are faced with the problem of what to do with her."

There was a silence as they both pondered the matter. It was, indeed, a difficult decision to make. There were inherent problems in sending her out into the world, but he also knew Hermione, and she would be utterly bored if she had to repeat the same classes over again. A girl such as she required more of a challenge.

"There is a possible solution," he said, after a time, mentally cursing himself for being about to suggest it. "You could let her stay on at Hogwarts for the rest of the year, but engaging in Independent Study or Direct Apprenticeship rather than regular classes. That way she wouldn´t have to re-take any classes and she would have the required number of school years in a row."

Minerva thought about this for a moment, before nodding her head. "That sounds like a plausible solution. We´ll have to bring it up with her first, of course, as well as Dumbledore. However I´m sure he will agree to anything we think up. I´ll consult them both about the matter, and then let you know what we decide. Thank you for your help."

"You´re welcome," he said absently, wanting nothing more to be out of her office. He nodded swiftly to her before rising from his seat and walking over to the door. Just as he was about to step into the hallway Minerva´s voice called to him from behind.

"You know, Severus, if she chooses Independent Study or Apprenticeship she won´t be your student any longer." He turned back to her with a half shocked glare, which she returned with a smile. "Which is all I will say in regards to your `private life.´"

It took him a full minute to stop staring at her, shut the door, and sweep away as quickly as he could down the hall.

~*~

Hermione snuck out of Remus' study as quietly as she could manage. She had woken up just as it seemed that Sirius was falling asleep, and she didn't want to bother him tossing and turning until she could sleep again. Besides, she would much rather be in her own room at the moment.

She was a little embarrassed by the way that she had carried on earlier, coming to Sirius as a mess of nerves and emotions. Normally she wouldn't be so overemotional in a situation, but reliving Severus' memory had been hard on several levels. It was firstly upsetting to see him go through such horrible times. Secondly it was hard to watch some of the things he had witnessed. She guessed that he had spared her from the worst of it, but she had seen several murders while in his mind, and none of them were pretty. Lastly, she was bothered by the fact that all of this seemed to be directly related to her appearance in his life. She knew, logically, that it hadn't been her fault, and his choices were his own, but she felt guilty nonetheless. It was a lot to deal with.

Still, she wished she hadn't acted like a blubbering idiot. While crying her eyes out and moaning had made her feel somewhat better, it wouldn't help her in the long run. Right now what she needed to do was get her head together, so that she could go to Severus and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that his past didn't change her feelings for him.

Closing the door with a completely inaudible click she stole her way into the darkened corridors, thankful beyond belief that while she wasn't on 'active student' status, she wasn't bound by curfew. Not that she wanted to take advantage of Dumbledore's generosity on this, she was going to head straight back to her room.

For several minutes she walked in complete darkness, trusting her memory of the halls to keep her going in the right direction. While she was allowed to be out, she didn't want to attract Filch's attention, however fun it would be to thwart his attempts to give her detention. Her plan seemed to be working well, until she ran smack into something terribly hard and fell to the floor.

"Damn it," she muttered, fumbling for her wand so that she could see what she had walked into. Just as she was about to cast the spell for light, someone behind her beat her to it.

"Lumos," dark and deeply annoyed, she knew the voice immediately. She turned her gaze to glare at the piece of armor she had run into before turning around to face Severus, who looked nearly as forbidding as the armor did.

"Hello," she said, wincing at how ridiculous she must look, sprawled on the floor.

"Miss. Granger," his cold reply. "Shouldn't you be up in your dorm room?"

She chose to ignore his tone and rose to her feet, a little put out that he didn't offer to help her up. "Actually I was on my way back there, Severus," she said, dusting herself up and looking him in the eye.

"Best you get on with it then," he said tersely, before turning on his heel and walking away from her.

"Severus wait," she called, running a few steps so that she could catch up to him. "I want to talk to you. I... I went into the pensieve..." She let the sentence linger, and he stopped mid-step, tensing and taking a deep breath.

"Then we have no further business," he said, after a second, starting to walk away again.

"Yes we do." She grabbed his arm lightly, and softened her tone. "I want to talk to you about it... about us."

"There is nothing to talk about," he snapped, although she noted with triumph that he hadn't taken his arm away yet.

"There is, but not now. Can we meet tomorrow afternoon? After your classes?"

He seemed to be struggling with his answer, but finally he wrenched his arm out of her grasp and muttered harshly. "Fine, four o'clock."

With those words he stalked away, darkening his wand so that she could not see his progress. Hermione stood watching the blackened hallway until the suit of armor coughed, brining her back to reality and prompting her to continue on her way.

~*~