Lost

Lost

Chapter Fourteen

The dungeons corridors were thankfully empty as Hermione made her way down towards the potions classroom. She had been back in her own time for a week now, and she had yet to even catch a glance of Severus. Part of that was because she had gone to see her parents for a few days, although she´d decided not to let them in on the time traveling accident, ignorance is bliss after all, but part of it was the very upsetting fact that he did not wish to see her. Remus had broken that little bit of news to her, the day after she arrived. Apparently his words were, "It is none of my concern," or something equally biting. She rolled her eyes in disdain, as if that could possibly keep her away from him.

Remus had tried to persuade her against going to see him. They´d even had a small argument about it, the climax of which was him telling her "he doesn´t love you anymore." That had been a blow, although she didn´t believe it for a second, it just served as a reminder that things changed over the course of two decades. She shuddered, not even wanting to imagine having to go that long without him.

She wasn´t stupid; she knew very well that he wasn´t going to just welcome her with open arms. She couldn´t even blame him, really. After she left, he´d had to go on with his life, and she would have to be incredibly naïve to believe that he´d just waited for her all these years. He hadn´t had an easy run, she knew this even before The Accident; going from Death Eater to spy twice over. There was no doubt that he was a very different person from the boy she had fallen in love with.

Still, Severus was Severus, be it at seventeen, thirty seven, or one hundred and seven; the essence of a person never changed. Hermione had fallen in love with his soul, and she´d be damned if she let anything, especially him, tryto persuade her otherwise. It wouldn´t be easy, but they could be happy again, she was sure of it.

The only problem was convincing him of that.

Her fingers flitted nervously to her throat as she stepped inside his classroom. The necklace he had given her so long ago was still clasped firmly around her neck, the small ruby as important to her as oxygen, and she squeezed it tightly for support. It reminded her that no matter what he said now, once he had loved her. If Remus´ warnings had been any indication, she was going to need all the reminders she could get.

She made her way across the empty classroom towards his office door. Smiling, she remembered Dumbledore´s seemingly innocent remark about Severus´ whereabouts this afternoon. Obviously the Headmaster was on her side of the situation. True enough, there was light coming from under the door, and she took a deep breath, mentally preparing herself. She straightened her dress, a simple summer thing, and ran a hand through her short curly hair, actually in an attempt to muss it a bit. He always liked the bed head look she thought wistfully, placing her hand on the door.

Pushing open the heavy oak as silently as she could, Hermione entered the office. True to Dumbledore´s word Severus sat there, bent over a stack of parchments with a quill dipped in red ink, obviously grading papers. She let her eyes travel over him, drinking him in eagerly; she hadn´t gone this long without seeing him in ages. He was dressed in standard black robes, buttoned and perfect even though he was alone, his lank hair falling close to his shoulders, with a few stray strands lying over his pale cheek. She choked back a sob as his hand with its long, perfect fingers brushed a lock behind his ear, as she remembered her own hands doing the same thing.

"Severus," she whispered, taking another step into the little room, fighting the urge to just close the distance between them and fling her arms around his neck.

He looked up, startled, and in that instant he was unable to shroud his emotions. It wasn´t the look she was used to, the pure, undiluted passion, but it was a spark of something long hidden. Something that let her know that somewhere inside, he still loved her.

It was gone in an instant, as he sat back in his chair, looking at her now with something akin to loathing. To her surprise, the look didn´t hurt her, but rather made her break out into completely inappropriate giggles. His eyes always crinkle at the corners when he´s angry she thought lovingly, giving him a sad smile, aware that crinkly or not, his eyes were narrowed nastily. She sighed, Here we go.

~*~

Severus scowled at the essay in front of him, slashing through several lines vigorously with his quill. Third year assignments were always the worst, the kids were so worked up with their new, and out of control, hormones that their papers were always disjointed and sloppy. Filch was constantly muttering about sending them off to a deserted island until they grew up a little bit, and at times like this, Severus was bound to agree.

Dipping his quill back into the bright red ink he prepared to go through Rearden, Hanks´ assignment, when he heard his name whispered softly, in a way he hadn´t heard for many, many years. Looking up, he saw her standing there, tears in her eyes, looking as she had every night in his dreams. Only here she was real and standing right before him.

He took in her appearance greedily, starving for it after years of absence. She was wearing a white summer dress that stood out like a beacon against the dreary darkness of the dungeons, with hair in charming disarray; the soft curls of their youth, not the stringy frizz he had grown accustomed to. His eyes lowered to her perfect pale neck, where the ruby he had given her so long ago rested against her skin. For a moment he almost believed that he were seventeen again, watching her on that fateful October night, where she had looked so beautiful that he´d had to kiss her. It lasted for only a second, before he remembered something Dumbledore had told him years ago, "It does not do to dwell on dreams."

He curled his lips into a grimace, throwing her the look that had made so many of her fellows cry. It didn´t seem to affect her, however, and she even had the audacity to giggle, giggle, at him. He sat back straight in his chair, staring her down with the deepest anger he could call forth, and said in his coldest, most detached voice, "Twenty points from Gryffindor, Miss. Granger, for your insolence. I am your teacher, and you will address me as such." She rolled her eyes at him, more amused than anything else, and he scowled deeply, realizing that his attempt to wound her hadn´t worked.

"Actually, at this moment, you are not my teacher, so I believe those points are invalid, Severus," she grinned at him a little bit, in obvious hopes that this would somehow lighten the situation.

"What do you want?" He barked at her, angry at her presumption that she could just waltz in here, as if nothing had changed.

Her voice softened a little bit, "You never came to see me... I was asking for you."

"Your point being what, Miss. Granger?" He turned his face so he didn´t have to look at her, focusing instead on the bookcase behind her.

"Don´t do this, Severus. Don´t pretend that you don´t care," she said, admonishing him gently.

"There is no pretending involved, I assure you," he said quickly.

She nodded her head slowly, and crossed the room. She sat on top of his desk, close to his chair. "I know it can´t just go back to the way it was, as much as I want it to," she said, trying to catch his eye. "You´ve lived a whole life since... since we parted, and I didn´t expect that you would just wait around for me. But Severus, I love you, and I am not just going to sit by and let you pretend that you don´t love me too." Her voice started to crack a little bit, and in the depths of his heart he wanted to reach out to hold her, but he couldn´t bring himself to do it. "What we have... had... can´t just be erased by time. Somewhere inside of you, you love me."

"You love someone who no longer exists," he said, still not meeting her eyes. "You love a teenage boy who has been dead for twenty years. The sooner you realize that, the better we will both be."

She sighed deeply, "I know that you are a different person now, Severus; you grew up. That doesn´t change my feelings for you one whit; it just makes me sad that I wasn´t with you for it." She scooted forward on the desk, trying to get closer to him. "We can start over; get to know each other again. I won´t just give up on us, and I can´t believe that you would either."

"I gave up on us twenty years ago. It´s too late now, I don´t love you anymore," he said, turning to look at her, so that she didn´t miss how serious he was. "I don´t know if I ever truly did."

He said it simply to hurt her, to drive her away, and it seemed to work. Her eyes filled with tears and she looked as if she had been slapped hard across the face. "Don´t you say that!" she said, pain radiating off of her in waves. "Don´t you ever say that to me again. I know this must be hard for you, but it is harder for me. True, I was ripped away from you, but you never had to hear me say I didn´t love you." She stood up off of the desk, her voice rising steadily, "I´m lost, Severus, I don´t belong here anymore. I don´t belong anywhere except with you, because the only time I´ve ever been home is when I´m in your arms."

"Those days are gone, Miss. Granger. I´ve moved on, and I suggest that you do too." It was taking all his resolve to sit there stoically. He so wanted to believe her words, but he refused to have his heart broken again.

"You´ve had twenty years, I´ve had a week!" She was nearly shouting now, and no longer held back her tears. "It was one week ago that I held you in my arms, made love to you. It isn´t just a long forgotten memory." She looked at him suggestively, "I´ve still got the rug-burns on both my knees." His eyes widened as he remembered the particular incident that caused those particular injuries the night before she disappeared. She nodded her head, trying to calm herself down a little. "Please don´t do this to me, Severus."

He stood up and walked past her, careful to avoid looking her in the eye. Unlocking a cabinet he pulled out the pensieve that he had prepared, setting it down on the table beside her. "I´m sorry, it was unfair to deny the past, but I stand by my present position. This should answer any questions you might have. Take it and leave me in peace." He sat back down in his chair, and picked up the paper he had been grading before she walked in, firm in the fact that he was done with the conversation.

"Thank you," she said, softly, picking up the pensieve carefully, as if it would shatter to the touch. "This isn´t the end, Severus. Not by a long shot. I love you, and I will not just let you slip away." With that she exited his office, crying quietly.

As soon as he was sure she was gone, he buried his head in his hands. Their first encounter had not gone well, that was for sure. He wanted so badly to love her again, to give the finger to his past and allow himself this happiness. To hear her say that she loved him... it made his heart flutter and die at the same time. Once she uses that pensieve, she´ll never say those words again.

~*~

Hermione left the dungeons as quickly as her feet could carry her, crying softly and clutching the pensieve to her chest. She had calmed her self enough to stop shaking, but her heart still felt as if it was being ripped into a thousand pieces. Hearing Remus say Severus didn´t love her was one thing, but hearing the words from his mouth was quite another. Even though she refused to believe his words, they still cut deep. Like she had told him, it might have been twenty years for him, but it was a week for her, and the wound was still fresh. Hell she thought its still bleeding.

Reaching Gryffindor tower took less time than she expected, which she attributed to being so lost in thought. She gave the password to the Fat Lady (Welcome Back Hermione) and climbed through the portrait hole, with the intention of going to her room. Dumbledore had reinstated her title of Head Girl when she reappeared, and she found that her quarters hadn´t been changed in her absence. She smiled at that, Minerva had confided in her that no one could bring themselves to pack her things away. But even this silver lining had its cloud; she realized that her room was the one occupied by Lily years before. She got misty eyed every time she stepped inside.

Before she could even head towards the staircase, a voice called out her name. Pulling herself together, she put on a smile and turned to face Ron and Harry, who were looking at her with twin expressions of concern.

"Hi," she said, turning all the way around to face them properly. "Why aren´t you in Hogsmede?"

Ron spoke first, a little awkwardly, "We knew you were coming back from your parents´ today, and we were hoping to spend some time with you." He looked at the pensieve, "but if you´re busy or something..."

Looking at her best friends she broke out into a wave of fresh tears. She had been so caught up in letting go of the past that she hadn´t even started to reclaim her present. Putting the pensieve on the floor she ran over to Ron, throwing her arms around his neck and sobbing into his chest. He patted her on the back for a minute before she broke away and gave Harry the same treatment. To his credit, Harry was much less embarrassed by the display of affection, and pulled Hermione closer into a huge bear hug. After a minute she broke away again, wiping the tears from her eyes and grabbing a hand from each of them.

"I´m so sorry. I´ve been so caught up in everything, it must seem like I don´t care about you at all," she squeezed their hands, sniffling a little bit. "I missed you both so much... you have no idea how wonderful it is to be able to see you again."

This seemed to smooth over whatever awkwardness or trepidation the boys felt towards her, and they smiled widely, causing her to hug them both again. Finally, she let them go, and picked up the pensieve again. "Let me go put this in my room... then we´ll spend the rest of the day together, alright?" They nodded happily to her, and she hurried to stow the pensieve.

Once in her room she placed the pensieve safely on her desk, before fixing her self up a bit; her eyes were red and puffy, and her hair was in terrible disarray from running her fingers through it too often. Once she looked presentable again, she picked up the small pile of pictures that Remus had brought for her. The boys still hadn´t heard her version of the past, and she figured that now was as good a time as any to tell them. Glancing back once at the pensieve, she left the room and headed back down the stairs.

Harry and Ron were waiting for her on the big couch, sitting on either end so that she could sit between them. She chocked back a small sob, it had been almost a year since they had sat like this, and up until a week ago she never thought that they would sit like this again. Harry motioned her on with his hand, and she settled in between them, smiling as she sank into the fluffy cushions.

"We missed you too, Hermione," Harry said, taking one of the pictures and shaking his head a little bit, "it´s weird... what were they like?"

She leaned over and smiled, looking at the picture he was holding. It was Halloween, and she was standing with Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus. They were all smiling and waving, and Sirius kept bounding around the picture, standing next to each of his friends in turn. "They were wonderful, Harry. I remember that night..."

Several hours passed as she regaled them with stories. They were a wonderful audience, laughing in the best places and asking all of the right questions. Ron even gasped out loud when she transformed into a panther. It was a perfectly lovely afternoon, almost completely making up for her horrible morning. Which, of course, meant that it couldn´t last.

After telling a particularly funny story about Sirius during a potions class, a light seemed to flash over Harry and Ron´s heads. They had almost completely forgotten about her first day back in the hospital wing, but her comment about potions class brought it back all too clearly. Ron asked her first, his eyes narrowed suspiciously, "Why were you asking for Snape when you woke up?"

Hermione bit her lip, and mentally swore. She was hoping to avoid this issue until she had figured things out with Severus, but it seemed that fate had other ideas. She looked between her best friends warily, trying to decided how best to approach the situation. The last thing she wanted was for them to be upset with her; the thought of having them not speaking to her so soon after she had gotten them back was not appealing. She took a deep breath as she contemplated their reactions. Harry would be the most understanding. While his dislike for Severus ran deep, he had found a grudging respect for the man after their fourth year, when they discovered he was a spy. Ron was another story. Hermione supposed that he had some sort of big brother complex with her, because he was always terribly nasty about the boys she went out with. The fact that he regarded Severus as a mortal enemy didn´t help matters at all. In fact, if she knew Ron, he would probably storm out of the common room on a killing spree.

She shuddered at that last thought; the last thing she needed was for another boy to attempt murder because of her.

"Well?" Harry asked, prompting her out of her reverie. "Are you going to answer us or not?"

"You have to promise not to overreact, okay?" she asked, looking at Ron deliberately. The boys looked at each other for a moment before they nodded in assent.

"We promise, now tell us," Harry said, looking more and more suspicious as the seconds passed.

"Alright," she sighed, "but you aren´t going to like it."

~*~

A soft knocking on his door woke Remus up from an afternoon nap. "Just a second," he called; rubbing his eyes and forcing himself to sit up from the couch that he had been peacefully sleeping on moments before. He looked over at the other couch, where Sirius lay snoring soundly and gave it a kick. His friend looked up at him mutinously, and Remus hissed, "Padfoot," as he walked over to the door. Sirius gave a growl as he changed into a dog, and settled back into sleep.

"Remus?" a small voice called, and he smiled warmly. It was nice to have the Hermione he knew back, even if she was twenty years younger now. He pulled the door open with a grin that she returned with a hug. "Is this a good time?" she asked, noticing Sirius curled up on the couch.

"Of course, come on in," he motioned inwards, and she gave him a grateful smile before plopping down next to Sirius, petting him absentmindedly. The big dog woke up and barked happily, giving her a sloppy kiss on the cheek before settling down in her lap. "What brings you up here?" he asked, as she accepted a cup of tea he conjured up. "I thought you´d want to see Harry and Ron."

She grimaced for a moment, wrinkling her nose. "I spent all afternoon with them," she said, taking a sip of the tea. "It ended badly though... we ended up talking about him."

"Oh," Remus said, understanding what that implied, "I take it they weren´t thrilled."

She gave a dry laugh. "Hardly. Harry was alright... looked about ready to be sick though. Ron... well... let´s just say he made Sirius look like a puppy dog."

Remus snorted as the dog growled. "That bad, eh?"

"He stormed off into the dormitory, and Harry only got him to calm down by bribing him with a ride on the Firebolt." She shook her head a little bit. "Honestly, Ron needs to grow out of this big brother act, it´s getting old. Although, I guess I can´t really blame him for this one."

Remus raised an eye brow a bit, but decided not to comment. If she was clueless to Ron´s real motives, he wasn´t going to be the one to inform her. Instead, he looked at her sympathetically and asked, "Want to talk about it?"

"Thanks, Remus, but it´s really okay. I´ve been through it once, I can do it again." This earned her another playful growl from Sirius, who had now turned over so that she could scratch his belly. She blew a kiss at him, before turning back to Remus thoughtfully. "I went to see him this morning," she said, smiling grimly. "He acted just like you said he would."

He shifted in his seat, a bit uneasily. He´d hoped that she would give up on Severus, if only to spare herselfthe angst, but she seemed quite determined to rekindle the relationship. "I´m sorry Hermione, I really am. Still, I know you don´t want to hear it, but, he isn´t the boy you knew anymore. Maybe it´s really for the best."

She smiled ruefully, "The logical part of me agrees with you... but I can´t just let go that easily." She fumbled with a lock of her hair, "He gave me a pensieve to `answer any questions.´ He wouldn´t have done that if he didn´t care."

This shocked him to a degree, but he hid it from her. "Perhaps, but don´t get your hopes up."

She shrugged, and changed the subject, apparently worn out of discussing her former lover. "So, how are your classes going?" she asked, giving Sirius another hearty pat and taking a sip of her tea.

They talked casually for a while longer before she excused herself back to the dormitories to clean up for dinner. He gave her another hug as she left, assuring her that his door was always open, should she need to talk, and was rewarded by the grateful smile on her face and the promise that she would take him up on her offer. He closed the door behind her and turned to Sirius, who had just returned to human form and gave him an inquisitive look. "Is there a reason you chose to remain canine for the entire conversation?"

Sirius nodded, leaning back against the couch. "I have no intention of getting involved in her personal life anymore. She´s still pissed off at me for the last time, and that was twenty years ago."

"It was a week ago for her, Padfoot," he said pensively. "We can´t forget that."

"I haven´t," he said, "but it isn´t me that she has to worry about."

~*~

Hermione lit the candles in her room with a wave of her wand. Dinner hadn´t been as terrible as she had imagined it to be. Things were tense between her and the boys, but she didn´t get a chance to think about it with the bombardment of questions she got from the other Gryffindors. She spent the greater part of the meal fending off questions about their parents, and what it was like to live `in the olden days´ as one first year put it. As it turned out, Hermione had tutored Natalie MacDonald´s mother, who had been a fourth year Hufflepuffnamed Jordan Baker. Natalie was simply thrilled by that, and spent the rest of the meal gouging Hermione for information.

Still, it was a relief to get away from them and into the sanctuary of her room; there were only so many times she could repeat the same stories before going insane.

She walked over to her desk with the intention of choosing a book to curl up with when she saw the pensieve sitting just where she had left it. She stared at it for a moment, trying to decide if she dared enter it, knowing that it wouldn´t be a happy story. After a moment, she pulled up a chair and gave a sigh that sounded melodramatic even to her own ears. A perfect end to a perfect day she thought sarcastically, before dipping her hand into the swirling liquid.

~*~