Do You Know The Muffin Man?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Do you Know the Muffin Man?

I'm sure that you all know of and have heard about Tom Riddle. Well, I'd be willing to bet that you didn't know this. When Tom Riddle was a young child, he was a squib. That's right. A squib. But how did he become so powerful? you might ask. Well, this story will explain it all.

It all started when Tom was eleven. A bright, chipper boy he was then. If only they knew about his secret desire to become magical like his mother. He would do anything. Anything at all to get that power he wanted.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>54 years ago<><><><><><><><><><><>

"Tom!" yelled the caretaker of the muggle orphanage. "Tom! Hurry up! It's time for breakfast! We're having muffins!"

Tom had only had muffins once before in his life, and he hadn't remembered what they were like. So, being the curious boy he was then, he was quite looking forward to it.

"Coming!" he said excitedly as he ran down the stairs. This would be loads of fun! he thought to himself.

As he sat down at the table, he quickly grabbed the nearest muffin he could find. Blueberry. He bit into it and felt a magnificent sensation. It was delectable, delicious, relaxing.... This must be what sex feels like, he thought.

When he went back up to his dormitory and all he could think of was the muffin. He to have more, to never be left without one!

"I would sell my soul for more," he mumbled to himself. Suddenly, there was a bright flash of flame and the devil stepped into the room.

"That can be arranged," Satin said as he dusted ash off of his robes. "How many muffins? Do you want them to have special powers?"

Tom was taken over by glee. "What do you want in return, though?"

"Only your soul," 666 Man said calmly as he combed his hair. Then, spotting the look on Tom's face, he closed his folding comb and said, "What? Why does everyone always look at me like that when I tell them the minor fee? It's not like you need your soul! As long as your heart and brain are still working you'll be fine! Sheesh, you acted like I asked for 1,000 galleons or something!"

"Oh, you don't need it?" Tom asked happily. Yes he was chipper, but clearly not all the lights were on upstairs. "Then I'll do it! I want a lifetime supply of blueberry muffins. OH! And I want them to give me magical powers so I can go to Hogwarts! Thanks a lot!"

"Alright then!" the demon told him. "Here's your muffin contract. And I promise full satisfaction or you won't go to hell. Well, okay, yes you will but not for eternity. Okay, that was a lie too, but the point is that you'll be satisfied so you won't have to worry about it. Just sign below."

Tom signed the contract after receiving a fiery demon pen the had real flames in the middle! It's too bad that he didn't get to keep the awesome writing tool.

"That was a gift from God!" the fiend gasped as he wrenched the pen from Tom's grasp.

Once the Devil had left, Tom saw a small box of muffins with a note on them. He picked up the note and began to read.

Dear Tom,

I know that there is only a small box, but whenever it is empty it will refill itself with muffins from my company Starbucks, where I sent my demons to work so they could addict the people of Earth to caffeine. It's fun!

However, you should not eat more than one within the same fifteen minutes, or the power may grow too terrible. Also, if you go for more than an hour without a muffin, you will be stripped from your powers until you find another one. If you have overdosed your muffins, your spirit (not your soul, spirit and soul are two very different things) will be stripped from your body and will be forced to roam until you can find someone willing to eat a muffin, put you in a special potion (find ingredients on back) and cut their hand off in order to feed you the muffin magic inside their blood. Is all of this clear? Good, now you may eat.

Love,

Satin (Also known as the Devil, Keeper of the Underworld, on 666 Flamey Lane)

Tom put down the letter and took a bite of his first muffin. Suddenly, he felt his entire body tingle slightly as though he was being tickled. He let out a shrill giggle. As suddenly as it had started, the sensation stopped. He stood up and reached for his bed covers but they drew themselves down for him. This is SO COOL! Tom thought as he set his alarmclock to ring every hour.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

He went to Hogwarts, as we all know. He let everyone believe he was normal. Without realizing it, he was changing rapidly. The absence of a soul made him heartless and cruel. He started wanting more power. He remembered Satin's letter. It had told him that if he overdosed, his powers would grow terrible. He started shoving down muffins as though they were mere snack foods, and growing more and more great. He took over. Everything was his to own. He felt great.

As I'm sure we all know, there came a time when Tom was to kill the Potters. He knew that their son was a threat. Soon his faithful companion Wormtail told him where to find them.

"Excellent," he murmured. "I will go tonight."

That night he did indeed go. He was seething. He opened the door and cackled with laughter at the sight of the cowering family.

"Lily! Take Harry and-"

"Yeah, yeah, we've all heard it in the third Harry Potter book. People just won't stop adding it in their fics, will they?"

"I suppose not," James said matter-of-factly. Then he remembered why Tom was there. "Stand up and fight!"

Lily took Harry and ran while Tom and James fought. It was an easy battle for Tom. Just use Avada Kedavra and there you go. Next it was Lily's turn. Lily was being difficult. He put down the muffin he'd need in another few minutes and tried to shoo her away. When she wouldn't go, he killed her too. Then he turned for his muffin.

It was gone.

He looked around and found Harry sitting there eating it. He smiled as he bit into the muffin bigger then his head, clearly enjoying it. Tom knew there was no way out. He had left the remaining muffins at home. And he needed that one to stay in his body. And Harry was eating it.

A few minutes passed and suddenly Tom found himself glowing blue. There was a ripping sensation as his spirit departed. The end for Tom Riddle. At least for now.

And now we all know the true story of Voldemort's uprising. And the mystery of how Harry had defeated him. Simply eating his muffin. That's all it took. And that's why the part about Harry's vision inside the Mirror of Erised that you don't hear about, is his mother's voice, singing....

"Do you know the Muffin Man...."