Sanguis Novus

Chapter Four: Collision

The next morning, a light swoosh past her ear awoke Lily, who turned her head to follow the sound.

"Regina," she murmured sleepily, extending a limp arm to greet her returning friend. "How are you? And how's your wing?" Thrusting her wing out smugly, it pleased Lily to see her friend healthy again. Bet the local vet couldn't've done that, she thought. "Have you got something for me as well? Let me see."

The owl laid a parchment ticket in her palm, and she studied it closely. Carefully turning it over, she noticed a note scrawled in loopy letters on the back. This is your ticket for boarding the train to Hogwarts. Do not lose. Seemed simple enough - the King's Cross Station in London. While her parents might not be too pleased with having to make the trip to the city again, there was still a month to go.

A very long month, Lily thought wryly, hoisting herself out of bed and strolling to her desk calendar. She flipped through the pages until she reached September 1. Sighing, she starred the date and slumped back onto her bed.

Thirty-one days. The best of luck to you, Lily, she told herself.

But as the last month of her old life wore on, she sometimes found herself unconsciously saying farewell to places that had been there since her childhood. The neighborhood park and its creaky swings, the streets her feet had pounded when seeking a moment's solace...they would be gone. Gone, exchanged for something alien and almost completely unfamiliar. It tasted bitter between her teeth at times, but then she thought of Remus and the acridness receded for a moment. At least you have a friend, she often reminded herself. At least you have one. Maybe two, if you count James, which - she supposed - she did.

Every time she looked at her parents, those weathered but still young faces, strained but eager-to please, her soul filled with a searing longing severe enough to almost make her rip up her Hogwarts acceptance letter. How can I leave you? I've lived with you my whole life...and you'll be gone.

Lily expected to cry torrents the morning before her departure, clinging desperately to her mum, but when she announced that everything was packed and she was ready to leave, her face was composed, her heart barely fluttering. She would have been entirely composed had her lower lip not been trembling, threatening to expose her guise of tranquility.

"Petunia!" Mr. Evans called up the stairs. "Would you like to come drop Lily off at the train station?"

"Why would I want to do that?" she replied.

"Don't you want to say goodbye to your sister? You're not going to see her for almost an entire year - "

"Dad," Lily interrupted, placing a hand on his arm, "it's fine. She doesn't have to come. It'd probably be better if she didn't." As they headed out the door, she snorted to herself, "It would be better if she didn't."

There was still a good ten minutes to spare as they reached the packed station, which was full of commuters rushing to get to work. Bright yellow cabs lined the streets, all vying for passengers by honking incessantly, much to the irritation of Lily. Her parents jostled her, the trunk, and Regina's cage (perched atop the trunk) along, craning their necks to find their daughter's platform -

"Um, dear," Mrs. Evans asked worriedly, "Where's this train coming?"

"The ticket said..." Lily reached into her pocket to extract the folded paper. "'Platform Nine and Three Quarters,'" she read, her brow furrowing in confusion. Platform Nine and Three Quarters? What were they talking about? Surely it was a misprint. She couldn't see anything located between platforms nine and ten! Shaking with anxiety, she looked at her mum. "I'll ask around," she reassured her, though feeling none too reassured herself. Maybe Remus is here, she thought. He'd tell me. His mum's a witch, after all.

But three minutes of rapid searching yielded nothing, and Lily began eyeing the clock repeatedly, dreading the moment it would chime, signaling the eleventh hour. Suddenly, her sight fell on a group of people she was sure she had seen before...

The Blacks.

Two of them were talking, and she listened in on their exchange.

" - Mum, I hate wearing all this Muggle clothing - "

" - Bella, don't complain, especially when in public."

Lily opened her mouth to ask them about the platform when the terrified face of Remus appeared in her mind. His eyes had doubled their width when he had seen them, and his face paled to the degree where the only thing that could be whiter than it was the snow. Still, she didn't see what was wrong about the Blacks.

"Um, excuse me?" she ventured at the dark-haired lady that had just chastised Bella.

"What is it you want?" she sneered, viewing Lily with a supremely haughty look.

"I...I was just wondering how you get onto the platform!" she squeaked, petrified at the woman's dominating presence.

"A Mudblood, are you?" Bella interjected, her face glowing. "Hah! I didn't know they still let scum like you go to Hogwarts, what with that Muggle-loving headmaster in such trouble!"

"Bella, that's enough," her mother said, coolly ushering her daughter behind her. "We can't let our - " She pursed her lips " - new friend feel unwelcome, now, can we? Now, do you see the barrier between platforms nine and ten? Simply run towards it and you'll find it."

As she steered Bella away, Lily caught their high-pitched giggling. Scowling back at them, she checked the time again. Three minutes to go! And what sort of advice was running right at the barrier? If I want a broken neck, she thought, I'll try it. But as she spun her head around every which way, seeking more wizards to ask, she knew it was hopeless. Just do what that woman told you, she urged herself. It certainly didn't seem like she was lying...

"Mum, I know now," she quickly said as she hurried back to her parents. "I know what I've got to do. I guess I'll take my stuff now and..."

That was it then. Eleven years of upbringing about to be swept away just as the train would exist King's Cross. There would be no more rummaging through her mum's bag for treats or eagerly absorbing childhood tales from her dad, no more dinners and laughs, family outings and ice cream. For her entire life Lily had had these two immovable stars to guide her along the treacherous path of life, lighting the way when she was lost, rescuing her if she had fallen. And now those stars had been extinguished...extinguished and diminished by her own hand...it was all her fault the sentinels of her existence, standing strong, forever fixed above her in a dazzling array, a show that was heaven sent...it was all gone. Because Lily wanted to go to Hogwarts, to begin a new path, one that wasn't lit or well-trodden...one that her parents couldn't first travel...couldn't travel at all...

"G'bye, Mum," Lily mumbled into her mother's sleeve as she was caught up in a tight embrace, squinting her eyes and not allowing herself to yield to the threatening tears. "I'll miss you."

"So will I," Mrs. Evans sighed quietly after setting her daughter back down. "Here, we've got a present for you, but hurry up because you haven't much time." From her purse, she extracted a journal, its cover slathered with an intricate floral design. "I'm sure that, later on your life, you will want to look back on Hogwarts. I'm not requesting you to write regularly. You don't even have to write at all, but...if you do..."

"She needs to leave now!" Mr. Evans urged from nearby, pointing at the clock.

"Oh! Goodbye, Lily! Take care!"

But Lily had already turned away, deaf to her mother's last words. Having hastily pocketed the journal, she pivoted to face the barrier separating platforms nine and ten. Just run, she told herself. You won't crash. For an instant, her muscles twitched, yearning to run back to her parents, yet she was hardly aware of her legs bounding towards what seemed to only have been a solid brick wall...albeit in the form of a barrier - there was no stopping now - Lily extended a hand to hold Regina's cage steady - she shut her eyes, bracing for the collision -

A sharp train whistle greeted her ears as she slowly opened her eyes. She watched a conductor, who had been standing by the train only seconds before, run to her, an alarmed look on his face.

"The train's just about to leave! Get your trunk in there!" he yelled, pushing Lily forward. "Never mind the trunk, just leave it here! GET ON THE TRAIN!"

Petrified by his stern tone, she leaped across the platform to an open door, what she assumed the entrance to the train was. The clock rang out its mellow tones just as she set her foot inside a carpeted corridor, her heart hammering.

"Hello, Lily."

The calm voice sent her head twirling around, her mind overwhelmed by the pace of the events that had just happened - the journal, the conductor, now a stranger saying hello to her.

"Hi?" she answered, puzzled.

"It's Remus. Don't you remember?"

Clutching her chest, Lily studied the placid boy's face. The premature wrinkles, the soft eyes...

"Oh, my God, I'm sorry I didn't recognize you at all! I'm in such a rush - "

"Here you go," came a grumpy noise from behind her, followed by the shutting of a door. The conductor shoved a trunk and cage into Lily's arms, causing her to stagger backwards with the extra weight. "Next time, don't be this late. We're never holding up the train again for a student, understand?"

"Yes," Lily gulped, her eyes averting his menacing stare.

"Now off with you two."

As he left, Remus eyed the conductor with a skeptical glance.

"They held up the train for you?" he muttered.

"How was I supposed to know that?" Lily demanded. "And I wasn't late, whatever the idiot said. I was just on time."

"Okay, okay! It's just...that's never happened before. Well, that's what my parents say anyway. They told me this story about a guy in their year who missed the train and when they called his name, he wasn't there so he missed out on all of Hogwarts. God, isn't that horrible? Imagine if that happened to either of us...or anyone at that. Here, I've already got a seat for us. Follow me."

The "seat" turned out to be a comfortable-looking cubicle located in one of the passenger cars, lined with plush benches on both sides. A table stood underneath the window (displaying a quickly disappearing London), laden with a variety of candies Lily had never seen before. Seeing Remus's trunk was already stashed underneath one of the benches, she proceeded to do the same thing.

"So," he asked, after they had both been seated, "how have things been since I last saw you?"

"Well, Petunia's - that's my sister - she's been annoying, like always. More so since I went to Diagon Alley. I think it was because she saw everything I had bought, while she, apparently, wasn't allowed to buy anything from the mall."

"Sibling rivalry," Remus remarked wistfully.

"Do you have a sister? Brother?"

"No, only child, and from the looks of it, I'm very lucky to be one."

"Stop it!" Lily demanded, punching him playfully on the shoulder.

"What? What did I say?" he said in mock surprise, holding his hands up as if surrendering.

"You're making fun of me!"

"What's wrong with that?"

Lily had never had anyone to joke around with her before, exchanging repartees and sarcastic comments, and she threw her head back in wild laughter, not knowing why she was so provoked to erupt in giggles. After her mirth had passed, however, Remus's face had lost its jovialness.

"So, you got on the platform alright?" he asked in a somewhat motherly fashion.

"Yeah. I asked these people for directions..."

The Blacks. Just as their surname might imply, whenever Lily thought of them, it made her feel susceptible and exposed. Chills ran down her back, filling her with exhilaration, but an ominous one. And after having seen them, talked to them...the presence they commanded, even when in Muggle clothing, was quite something.

"Who? Who did you ask?" he questioned, his voice developing a cutting edge.

"Er - "

But before anything could leave her mouth, the door of their compartment slid open, and a familiar-looking head stuck itself in. It was followed by a body already clothed in black Hogwarts robes.

"Hey, you don't mind if I sit with you guys, do you?"

"No, not at all, James," Lily replied, sensing her journey to Hogwarts was in jeopardy of becoming a raucous party, but she moved over so he could have a seat nonetheless.

With a flump, he plopped himself down next to her and took a Chocolate Frog from the table.

"Remus, you mind if I eat one?"

"Go ahead."

Lily watched on, enthralled at the moving treat. Its arms and legs flailed in all directions as James lifted it up to his mouth. He popped it in, limbs and all, and after chewing for a few moments, he busied himself with the Chocolate Frog package.

"What's so interesting about that?" she asked.

"The cards," he mumbled through a chocolate-stuffed mouth. "Here, take a look."

He handed her a pentagon-shaped card. A witch, who had just brandished a beaker filled with...something, adorned one of its sides, and on the other, Lily found a highly interesting biography about the person who first concocted a Love Potion.

Suddenly struck with shame, she realized she was sitting in a compartment whose other passengers were male. Rarely did she spend any of her time around those of the opposite sex, and while she hadn't developed the mooning-over-guys state her sister constantly wandered around in, knowing she would be alone with Remus and James caused her to shift slightly in her seat, inching towards the window. Hours alone with Remus and James.

But no matter, she thought. I already know them and they don't like-like me...in that way...I guess. Whatever, Lily told herself after minutes of pondering. Just act like this never crossed your mind.

When she exited her reverie, talk of Hogwarts already had the two boys immersed. For the first time since receiving her letter, Lily felt a pang of nervousness.

"What house do you think you're going to be in?" James asked.

"My dad was in Hufflepuff," Remus said, "and my mum was in Ravenclaw. I'll be in one of those, I guess."

"Both of my parents were in Gryffindor, so they're expecting me to be the same."

"Not like the rest of your family?"

"For God's sake, I'm not related to the Blacks!" he exclaimed, his face incredulous.

There they are again! Lily thought. The Blacks. They seemed to be everywhere, slipping in where you least expected them. And what did James have to do with them, anyway?

"I thought they were all intermarried," Remus said quietly, his cheeks burning.

"The Potters have always been a bit...weird, if you will," James declared, a slight crease developing between his eyebrows. "Like, I mean, you know what my parents are doing, right? We're just not like other Purebloods, so a lot of people don't even know we are Purebloods. My parents don't even set much of a store by it, anyway. They could be Muggle-borns and they wouldn't care.

"See, the Malfoys and the Blacks, they're the all-British, all-Wizarding families. They marry only within their country, as well as their families. But we marry Purebloods from all across Europe. My mum's part German, you know that? We're related to the Longbottoms. I think half their family doesn't even live in Britain."

"Is that all Wizards talk about?" Lily interrupted, bored with the genealogical discussions. "Their families?"

To her astonishment, Remus answered a steely, "Yes. Family is everything." Then she witnessed a most strange happening. His face was screwed in concentration, and yet, after a while, it began to break and soon turned a ghastly white, as if he had said something vile.

Lily wisely chose to ignore this and continued to stare out at the steadily darkening landscape. The day was absolutely brilliant, the sun restraining nothing and pouring forth all of its glory. Passing clouds sauntered down the broad avenue of clear blue, extending their outstretched arms to Lily as if to fly her up to the gates of infinite possibilities. She slowly lifted her finger to the window, where it landed tenderly, tracing the shape of a cloud on the window.

"My dear, would you like to eat something?" a sweet voice rang out, startling her.

"What?" Lily asked, turning around to see a plump witch patiently standing outside the compartment, waiting by a food-laden cart.

"I asked you if you would like to buy something."

Not being to able to recognize anything for sale, she politely refused, feeling her stomach wouldn't be able to take any food, regardless of how delectable it might be. She massaged her belly in circular movements, its qualms distracting her from anything else. Never had she experienced such strong apprehension, her nerves undulating with the gentle rolling motion of the train. Then again, it wasn't so gentle anymore, what with split seconds of weightlessness striking her sporadically.

"Lily, are you okay?" Remus ventured concernedly.

"I'm just feeling a little sick, that's all."

"Nervous about Hogwarts?"

"How did you know?" she retorted, sounding a little sharper than what she had intended.

"It's natural," he assured her. "Actually, I'm a bit anxious myself. Just a bit though."

That's because you already know a lot about magic and the Wizarding world, Lily thought, bracing herself for the latest wave of nausea. I know nothing. And it hurt her to think the lack of knowledge lay in something other than academics. Potion ingredients could be memorized and wave movements practiced. It was the culture and the ways, the present and the past of the Wizarding world, its people, she knew nothing about.

Concerned with her ignorance, Lily took out Hogwarts, a History and tried to glean as much information as she could from its pages. An hour later, he eyelids began to droop as she sank into a semi-stupor, her head nestling itself next to the window while she hopelessly read on -

Muffled steps from outside the compartment door awoke Lily, who instantly sat up to see what was happening. Remus shook his head and motioned for her to lie back down, but before she could do so, the door flew open, reverberating threateningly after slamming into the wall, rudely knowing James out of his peaceful slumber. A livid boy rushed into the compartment, his face twisted in an enraged snarl. After quickly catching his breath, he swung himself back into the corridor.

"Aww, is wittle Siwius too scared to fight back?" a girlish voice taunted from further down the aisle.

"SHUT UP, BELLA!" he yelled back with an unmatchable ferocity. Grumbling indistinctly, he turned back around and found himself facing at a stunned crowd. "Sorry about that," he said at last, staring adamantly at the window opposite him.

"No problem, mate," James said, extending a hand, which the stranger took cautiously. "I'm James Potter, and this is Remus Lupin and - " He paused momentarily " - and Lily."

With eyes twinkling with kindness, he looked over at her. She turned pink, overcome with gratitude he hadn't disclosed that volatile piece of information in the presence of...dare she think it? She thought she had seen him somewhere when he first burst in...and then that other name was mentioned.

"P-Potter?" the boy stammered, who appeared to be trying to fix his face into a mask of contempt and disgust. However, he failed spectacularly and abandoned the attempt altogether, now appearing much more at ease. "I'm Sirius," he announced confidently, though still with a protective edge.

Sirius. The more masculine form of "Siwius," I guess, Lily thought. It would be so perfect to ask him now, but what if her suspicions had been wrong? And what if they had been right, and she was actually talking to one of them?

"Sirius...Black?" she put forward timidly.

For a second, the only noise that could be heard was the muted rattling of the train, the clicking of its wheels.

"How did you know?" he asked flatly, not cutting or even surprised that a girl he had met mere minutes before could guess his last name.

"You mentioned the name 'Bella,'" Lily replied in the same level tone.

"And how do you know her?"

She bit her lip. Lily knew she should have been prepared to answer that question, not just for Sirius but Remus as well.

"I, er, I met her on the platform."

Which really isn't the truth, she thought. I first saw her in Diagon Alley with Sirius and the rest of the Blacks, and our very short acquaintance - well, I don't know if you can even call it that because she doesn't know my name - wasn't exactly what I'd call friendly. Besides, I never really talked to her.

"She's my cousin," Sirius admitted dejectedly. "I hate her, and she annoys the shit out of me." He wheeled around to look James straight in the eye. To Lily's surprise, his countenance radiated not the usual imperturbable nonchalance she had become so accustomed to but an unflappable concentration, one that wouldn't have been broken even if she screamed into his ear. "I'm not like her...and them. And I don't want to be like them either, okay?"

"I've got it, I've got it," James yawned, back to his lackadaisical and bored self.

"I'll go then." But as Sirius prepared to leave, his sharp gaze softened and his jaw wasn't as tense. "Look, I'm sorry for acting this way," he blurted out, shuffling his feet around. "It's just that, well, I'm sick of being one, you know what I mean? I wish I could be a Potter because, that way - "

"Oh, no, you don't," James sighed, moving so Sirius could have a seat. "My dad's always nagging me about 'not being involved enough,' and, man, it gets to be a little too much sometimes. My uncle's even worse! Sometimes he'll go to work dressed up in - what are they called? - jeans. I'd feel bad for his kids...but thank God he doesn't have any."

"I can't see why you're complaining though. Do you know what I've gotta put up with at home? It's crazy, I tell you."

Lily found herself getting more and more lost as Sirius's list of grievances wore on, so when Remus invited her to go out in the hallway and chat, she eagerly agreed.

"I thought I was going to die," she groaned once they were out of earshot, "listening to him go on and on - "

"When did you meet Bellatrix?" Remus interrupted, his voice not containing any shadow of levity.

Why does it even matter? Lily thought, feeling very vexed, but she swallowed her irritation and obediently replied, "Like I said, on the platform."

"What did you say to her?"

"Well, I never really talked to her. See, I talked to her mum - Sirius's aunt."

"Then what did you say to her?"

"Just asked her were the platform is. That's it, I swear." Remus's expression remained dark despite whatever coaxing Lily could come up with. He's making absolutely no sense, she thought. What exactly is so wrong about asking someone for directions, huh? I think I was really lucky to bump into them. Otherwise, I would've missed the train for sure, no matter how long they would have held it up for me. "Look," she finally said after another round of endless interrogation, "if this is all you're going to talk about, then we'd better get back to the compartment. I'll say it just one more time, in case you missed it, oh, the last hundred times or so. I asked her, 'How did you get on the platform?' and in a way that couldn't've insulted her."

Frustrated, Lily didn't bother to wait for a reply and she stalked away, incensed thoughts filling her mind. What does he take me for, a total idiot? Hey, I know he and everyone else are a lot smarter than I am, but I'm sure that at one point, they knew no more than I do now, although that was probably when they were around one or two. For not knowing where I really belonged for the first eleven years of my life, I think I'm catching on quite nicely.

But as she stepped back into the compartment, no statement, however bold, could hide the fact she was growing increasingly inadequate to deal with the changes the Wizarding world had wrought in her life. Old philosophies had to be torn down, ripped up, and discarded. Old dies had to be pushed aside, severed, and placed in the past, the unchangeable and unshakeable past. Cling onto memories and regretting what should have been and what could have been were in no way going to help Lily. Facing a harsh new world required holding nothing and starting afresh.

"Hey, Lil!" James called out. "What've you been doing, and where's Remus?"

"Probably out in the hallway, snogging," Sirius joked, causing James to bury his face in his robes.

Choosing to pass over the implied romantic infatuation, she said coolly, "He's in the bathroom."

They accepted her excuse without a word, though James was still overcoming his fit of laughter, and Lily quickly sat down, wondering where Remus really was. Reflecting on their question-and-answer session, she guessed her brusque departure was roughly the equivalent of a slap to the face, like the ones Scarlett O'Hara was forever giving to men in Gone With the Wind, one of Lily's favorite novels (American, but still). She sighed, acknowledging once again her people skills, or lack thereof, were hardly polished. Maybe that's why I love books so much, she thought. Pages and words, they can't judge me. A sudden forlornness seized her, and without warning, Lily found herself wishing she hadn't forsaken Remus's company.

Having nothing else to do, she faced James and Sirius, who were back to conversing in inaudible and rapid whispers. It irked her a bit that she was being left out of their no-visitors-allowed discussions. Seeking to break that rule, Lily said loudly, "So, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing, nothing, nothing at all," James quickly stammered, whipping around and smiling at her innocently.

"I mean before you quickly ended your conversation."

"Why, I thought it was obvious," Sirius cooed, raising an eyebrow.

"Then what?"

"We were talking about how much of a nosy git you are."

"You were not," Lily shouted, unfazed by his joking around, "because if you were you wouldn't have told me! Now tell me the truth!"

"Or," he said in a psuedo-philosophical voice, "what if I was telling you the truth but you just decided not to listen to it?"

The words swam in front of her eyes, but they made no sense to her. She tried to ignore Sirius's amused expression, James's silent giggles from the corner...God, Remus, she thought desperately, where are you? She couldn't see what was so laughable about what she had asked and why that goddamn Black had to turn everything into a farce. And James...she thought he had been pretty decent throughout the entire train ride, but once Sirius had started talking to him...Lily could imagine a biography being written about her: Stranger in One, Stranger in the Other: Traversing the Barrier Between Muggle and Magic.

"Lily, just ignore him," James said, and she would have listened to him entirely had it not been for the tease that accompanied it. "He's had a little too much to smoke..."

And, once again, the entire compartment, except for one stony-faced girl, dissolved into uproarious glee.

"I surmised as much," Lily remarked sardonically.

Leaving the boys to their own hilarity, she stomped into the corridor. What did I do wrong? she thought. What did I do to ruin what could've been such a calm trip? Realizing she hadn't anywhere to go but back near the presences of James and Sirius, she sank to the floor, thinking what her parents had been doing since she left.

"Lily?"

"Go away," she spat, not wanting to speak to anyone.

"It's Remus. Hurry up and get changed. The conductor told me we're going to be there in about ten minutes."

If she had it her way, Lily would have sat there until eternity came, but train rides were finite happenings. Sighing, she tried to push herself onto her feet, but whatever strength she once had seemed had fled, reducing her arms to nothing but a tube of skin and bones.

"I can't get up," she moaned, still struggling.

"Here, let me help."

He extended his hand cautiously as if afraid that Lily would swat it away at any moment, and although she seemed devoid of energy at the moment, he was quite sure she still had to potential to react violently to, well, anything. Ever since he met her, Remus had devoted hours of free time trying to decipher her enigma of a personality, and needless to say, he hadn't made much progress, if any. The oddest things could make her tear up with joy; likewise, the oddest things could also make her explode.

She eyed him prudently and with a tinge of suspicion. Something about the situation made her feel defensive. He's only trying to help you get up, she told herself. Carefully, she placed her palm on his, and his fingers tightened around her hand.

If an observer had looked down the otherwise deserted corridor, he would have seen only a tableau of a perfect friendship, of gratitude, of aid. But within Lily, she felt something stir, something primitive and innate. Something she could not put a name to. She found that she couldn't look at Remus anymore.

"Yeah," she stammered, "I'll go get changed then."

Skirting James and Sirius in the compartment, she snatched a robe from her trunk and dashed into the bathroom, where she breathed deeply, feeling peace descend on her nerves.

Hogwarts, she thought, here I come.