A Little Freak of Melancholy

Chapter 4

I ran down the corridors later that evening to serve detention, carrying the book from which Hermione had taken that damned potion. I was already late, for I had had difficulty finding the bloody book in the library and hadn't been able to find Hermione anywhere to ask for her help.

But as desperate situations ask for desperate measures, I just took out my wand and focused on the book, saying, "Accio old book with that potion that ruined my life!" Amazingly, in no time the right book was in my arms and I rushed down the stairs, heading for the dungeons.

I stopped when I reached the Potions classroom, and quietly opened the door. There he was, sitting by his table, too concentrated on his thoughts to notice me. I took my time and enjoyed the view as long as I could. His long fingers were tapping on the table, sometimes running down it, almost like a caress. I could almost feel those fingers caressing my skin, and my body burned with the thought. I watched as a lock of his hair fell into his eyes, and he didn't even care. Suddenly, I was conscious of his breathing, his smell, and his presence that dominated the entire classroom. I closed my eyes, feeling dizzy with all the sensations I was experiencing, forgetting about the whole world while I could just feel his presence closer and closer...

"Miss Weasley, I would appreciate it if you just came in and helped me solve this problem quickly," he said harshly, his face just a palm away from me.

I was suddenly back to reality, but not as embarrassed as I should have felt. What was going on with me?

And wait... had he just called my love for him a problem? Because that hurt!

He waved his hand, asking me to take a chair and sit in front of him.

After I did so, he finally said, "So, let me see this potion of yours."

That was not a request, but an order. I quickly found the page and gave him the book, which he took, careful not to touch my hand.

I just sat there, staring at the table while he seemed to read it over and over. When he finally looked up, I looked at him and noticed that he was more pale than usual, although he was trying to keep his face controlled. I could tell this because he was making a very poor attempt at a controlled face as he looked right in my eyes and then at everything but me.

"Indeed, this is not a love potion that went wrong."

"So...?" I asked, uncertain about what to do.

I should have felt frightened that he knew, but amazingly, I was just waiting for a solution. The pain in my chest was still all-consuming, although it was weaker now that I had confessed my feelings.

"So I don't know how to handle this," he confessed, his cold tone now becoming quite emotional. "I don't know what to say... Could you just overcome your love for me any time soon?"

"I don't know!" I answered, angry at that suggestion. "But I would really appreciate it if you would just stop treating me like a stupid little girl who is in love with you for lack of better things to do!"

"Well... isn't that the case?" he asked, looking like a stupid little boy.

I couldn't help but smile at him, realizing how difficult it must be for someone who tried so hard to be hated, to suddenly be loved.

"Couldn't you give me a potion to fall out of love?" I asked, my voice failing.

He looked at me with his eyes as cold as before. "Well, no, Miss Weasley, for this kind of potion is absolutely forbidden in this school, and I am not going to break any rules I've helped create just to stop a situation rather embarrassing to you... and me." He said the last part very quickly, his face red from embarrassment.

Just then, he punched the table very hard and stood up, bursting with frustration: "Why couldn't you just maintain yourself as Potter's little pet, following him around like he was the center of your universe? And why did you have to tell me what you feel? Why couldn't you just keep yourself quiet and handle this situation like any other normal girl?"

"I wish I had kept my mouth shut!" I cried, feeling my tears come again while I faced him with a courage I had no idea I possessed. "Do you think I'm enjoying having this pointless discussion with you, talking about my feelings as though they are inconsequential enough not to deserve any attention? I know it is crazy to feel like this, and trust me, if I could choose, I'd never be in love with you, because you are old and insufferable! But then, you have the most beautiful hair, which would get quite silky once I could take care of it, and you have something in your eyes that just glows... Your voice... God, every time you spoke you would send me to heaven wrapped up in velvet... and then I found myself seeing you as I've never seen anyone... And I just knew..." I brushed away my tears with the back of my hands, smiling at the thought. "You have no idea how much it hurt to feel all these things and to keep it secret! After this stupid potion, I felt my chest ache with the need to tell you everything. I felt that I had to tell you or else I would explode! Until today, when my mouth was quicker than my brain..."

The silence was so heavy I could feel it in the air, compressing my lungs every time I inhaled. After a long time, so long it seemed like hours, he spoke in his velvet voice:

"So I guess being intolerably rude with you wouldn't help you get rid of your feelings either, now, would it?"

Did I catch a tone of hope in his voice, or was it just my own hope tricking me?

"More intolerably rude then you already are?" I asked in a murmur.

He laughed with me at the thought. Oh, how beautiful was his laugh! If he would only laugh more often!

He walked to his table, standing behind it with his hands behind his back and when he spoke, his voice was not trying to be controlling or cold, it was just a resigned tone that could break my heart more easily than any other tone.

"So, I believe I can't help you."

Oh, yes, that broke my heart.

"You see, Miss Weasley, you are my student, after all. Our age difference, which you may not consider right now, would be a strong problem if we decided to feed this... infatuation." He sighed. "And I would lose my job, just as you would destroy your reputation for someone who just isn't worth it."

I looked up to meet his eyes, which were now almost caring, glowing with a feeling I think not even he could explain.

"So I suggest that you go on with your life and seek boys your age with whom you can date, as girls like you do."

I couldn't control my tears now. I was sobbing uncontrollably, standing in front of him, the table a solid barrier, although I knew that it wasn't the only thing keeping us from each other.

He was right. He was absolutely right, and there was nothing I could do to change it. I had been so selfish, thinking of my feelings as something so harmful, that I hadn't even considered the fact that he could have feelings too, and I wouldn't be the center of his universe. But a part of my brain was too stubborn to give up, and I found myself asking him:

"What about this pain in my chest?"

He seemed almost helpless.

"I wish I could help you, Miss Weasley, but all I can say is that nobody ever died of a heartache before. Trust me."

I nodded, trying to control my sobs, still drying my tears with the back of my hand.

"I'm so sorry I took so much of your time..."

He shook his head, his eyes expressing concern and... pain?

I took the book and headed to the door, not certain that I wouldn't stumble over it.

"I trust you will understand if I become more ill-tempered around your class and take some points from Gryffindor if you just breathe more loudly than you should." he said, his voice as cold as those dungeons.

"Of course," I said with fading voice, smiling at his presence of spirit.

By the time I touched the doorknob, he called me again and I heard him say in almost a whisper, his tone emotional again: "Thank you."

I didn't know what to say, so I left without another word and stood behind the door after I closed it. I didn't hear any movement while I just stood there, my heart in pieces as I tried to control the tears.

I can't explain how I got to the Gryffindor tower that night, but it was eleven at night when I gave the Fat Lady the password and entered the almost-empty common room.

I sat on one of the sofas, still holding the book against my chest, unaware of anything around me. I stayed there for a long time, staring at the flames of the fireplace, my eyes blank now that the tears were gone.

"Hey, Ginny?" I heard a soft whisper beside me, and I turned around to see Harry Potter staring at me with concern.

"Oh, hi, Harry, I didn't see you there!" I tried to smile, but couldn't sound convincing.

"I realized that as you passed though me as if I wasn't here."

"I'm sorry..."

"No, it's okay." He smiled. "I think you're treating me as I've always treated you, right?"

"No!" I shook my head, turning completely toward him. "You never made me feel like I wasn't there. Sometimes you made me feel that you didn't want me there, but never like I wasn't there..."

His eyes shone sadly with that realization. "Oh, Ginny, I'm sorry. I should have been more careful; I should have talked to you..."

"You're feeling like a third wheel now that Ron is dating Hermione, aren't you?" I said with a smile, trying to comfort him. He just nodded sadly, examining the fireplace with renewed interest.

"They are still my friends, of course, and I'm so happy for them, but... it's not the same thing."

"I understand," I said, looking at him, putting my own misery away for a while to try and make him feel better.

"I mean, we've been through a lot together. It's not like that could be erased." He let out a cry of frustration. "Come on, we even faced a troll together!"

"I realize I wasn't much of a help back then, but one could say we faced Lord Voldemort together once."

He looked deeply at me, catching my eyes with his and smiling, seeming very comfortable now. "Yes, we did, didn't we?"

We kept quiet for a while, memories running through our heads.

"Care for wizard chess?" he asked, breaking the silence.

"Anytime!" I laughed, putting the book aside and helping Harry with the table and the pieces.

Maybe the night wouldn't be so long after all, I said to myself while letting go of the tightness in my chest, understanding that that pain one day, well, probably one day, would give place for something new.

All I could do was wait.