A Million Different People

“25 points from Gryffindor,” I snarled at NevilleLongbottom. The Gryffindor visibly paled before looking at the twisted mess in front of him. The bell rang. I sight an unnoticeable sigh as the class seeped out of my classroom until all that was left was a couple of empty cauldrons and the stench of the strengthening solution they had been making.

I thanked the heavens that it was my last class of the day. I would normally have had the 7^th year Gryffindors and Ravenclaws but their class had been cancelled. Not for a pleasant reason I allowed myself to admit but it had to be better than two hours of the Weasley twins’ pranks, didn’t it? The meeting was of course about Voldemort, as if it wasn’t on my mind at most times. Little else usually was, I got it from both sides and neither was pleasant.

The knock on the dungeon door echoed throughout the empty room. Opening the door I could see DracoMalfoy. He’s my favourite student, or so it appears to everyone else. It has to appear that way, it’s expected of me, he’s not a bad student overall, he’s willing to try. The only thing is that he’s going to make bad choices, end up in bad places; it could happen easily if he’s not careful. I want to stop it, Draco could easily make something of himself if he tried and he has the talent to do it.

“Yes Draco?” I ask the blonde-haired Slytherin.

“I came to hand in last week’s homework,” he replied handing me the piece of paper.

“Very well,” I say, my tone saying quite clearly that I was not in the mood for any further discussion. Not today of all days.

Draco leaves immediately, he knows he is on my good side at the moment and he wants to stay that way. He and the rest of the Slytherins know that they can get away with more than anyone else. Handing homework in late; snide comments across the classroom when I’m ‘not listening’; cursing other students, if it was any other house they would be in detention with a air few points missing from their house. They know this and the think I’m evil and goodness knows what else, then again they’re supposed to. I need to look that way.

Caia, my owl, flies through one of the small windows in the dungeon. She has a small note tied to her leg. I know what it says; it’s calling me to the meeting; the meeting which provided the reason for my classes being cancelled.

Throughout the meeting I listen carefully but don’t say more than is needed. I give details of the late night raids conducted. It doesn’t surprise me that the ministry hasn’t noticed, they wouldn’t notice Voldemort if he was right in front of them. The continue discussing their plans which as usual do not include me. I have other jobs. I’m just a spy to them.

Well to almost all of them. Not to Black and Lupin; I swear sometimes they still see the schoolboy they knew so long ago. They hate me as much as they did back then, back when they strutted about the school like they owned the place. Back when they seemed to think they could kill me. On days like this I’ve wished before now they had succeeded.

The meeting finishes and as predicted, by myself anyway, Albus takes me up to his office. He needs to talk about what I am to do next. Not surprisingly he says to carry on as I am. I know what I am doing. I’ve been doing it long enough. As usual I think he wants to talk, he wants me to tell him what I am thinking. I don’t of course but as always I acknowledge the act that he is willing. That’s the thing with the headmaster, he’s willing to talk but he won’t force it. I think if I was to pick anyone to call a friend it would be Albus, even though we share so little.

I don’t call him a friend. I gave up having friends years ago; only bad things happen when you have friends. We walk down to dinner together exchanging facts on what is happening in the school.

Sitting at the high table you can see everyone, all the students and all the teachers. The teachers of Hogwarts, all masters in their subjects, with very few exceptions. To them I’m a co-worker, which is exactly what they are to me. We’re not a friendly group of people, many of us like our privacy.

We all share an unspoken bond though, we would help each other when there is nowhere left to turn, as yet it hasn’t got that bad but there are dark days left to come. Minerva reminds me during dinner how Slytherin are in danger of losing both the house cup and the Quidditch cup to Gryffindor. We quietly debate each teams chances, Gryffindor don’t have a chance. I don’t know if I believe it but it continues the debate which I am actually quite fond of. Even if it’s not Slytherin-like to enjoy conversations with Gryffindors.

Dinner finishes and I return to my room in the dungeons. I change my usual robes into Muggle clothes. There’s something I have to do, something which has been on my mind all day. I have to do it.

I walk out of Hogwarts unnoticed and head towards the apparition point. Getting my wand out and preparing to Apparate I feel the Dark Mark burn on my arm. I briefly toy with the idea of not going but I know that it is not an option; I have to go. We need to know what is happening. I Apparate away to where the Dark Lord is waiting.

I am not the first to arrive but that is not unusual, I am in a position not to be able to Apparate easily. Bending down in front of Voldemort I kiss his robes. Every time I do this I am ashamed. I used to perform this humiliating ritual voluntarily because I believed in what Voldemort was doing. I feel sick thinking of it.

Looking around the gathering I notice that it is only important members present. The lord is lecturing us about the activities of the younger and minor Death Eaters. My face doesn’t show the revulsion at his words. Doing that could get me killed. No it wouldn’t; I am too valuable, no one else can make such a dangerous variety of potions. I would earn myself several painful doses of Crucio though. To Voldemort I am but an important pawn in his game. To the other Death Eaters I am their old school friend or someone they consider an ally in the war. To some I am also their children’s teacher. They can think what they like. No one knows who I am really. Not anymore, no one has known for a long time.

I was thankful when the meeting ended. Instead of Apparating back to Hogwarts I headed off to my original destination. As soon as I arrive I change my Death Eater robes back into Muggle clothes.

Silently I walk towards my destination; the cool night air fills my lungs as I breathe. I don’t want to be here. Stopping in front of the gravestones I stand in silence. Looking around I see no one else. Silence fills the night in the vast empty graveyard.

“Has it really been 16 years?” I ask silently to no one. I receive no reply apart from the one in my head which says it has; to the very day.

“I never forgot you. Either of you, I never will.” My words come out slowly. I almost choke on the emotion. “Not a day goes by when I don’t imagine what we could have had. When I don’t wish it had been me instead of you. When I don’t wish I could have joined you.”

I stand silently, wondering if I should leave before someone finds me. Part of me wants to stay. Stay with people who understand me, who knew who I really was. I can’t stay people need me.

Bending down in front of my son’s grave, I place stone on the top of it, next to the other placed by myself and others throughout the last 16 years. “Why did you have to die Julius? Why did they kill you? You were a year old, you never got a chance and it was entirely my fault. Some father I was.” My words which were meant to stay in my head spilled out with a hint of bitterness in them. I move away from his grave and towards my wife’s.

“I am sorry Cassie. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it now and I’ll say it again. I mean it, I always have meant it.” I get the single red rose I have been carrying around. A small tear runs down my cheek. “I love you.” I whisper beneath my breath before Apparating away to my life at Hogwarts. My life where everyone thinks I’m someone I’m not.