What Does It Take to Get a Date?

What Does It Take To Get A Date?

Author's Notes: Written for paranoidsistah based on the prompt: "Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you Sirius."

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"Sorry, I'm just not attracted to you, Sirius."

Lily flung the words over her shoulder and strode away towards the Hogwarts library clutching her books tight against her chest, her auburn hair swinging behind. Sirius glared after her, standing in the centre of the hallway with his fists clenched.

"I'm not asking for ME, Evans," Sirius shouted at her retreating back. To himself he added Merlin forbid. "I'm asking for James."

At that Lily whirled around, dropping her books to the stone floor. The sound ricocheted through the hall like a shot as she clutched her wand tight in her hand. "Really? What makes you think I would be attracted in any way to that arrogant, bullying, callous--"

"Making your way through the alphabet? I'm impressed," Sirius retorted. "What's D?"

"Despicable. Like you, Black."

Sirius simply sniffed and waved his hand. "Whatever. Look, Evans, he likes you, though only Merlin knows why. I certainly don't."

Lily rolled her eyes at the double entendre. "So why are you asking for him when he's perfectly capable of asking for himself?"

Sirius gazed at her with an odd earnestness in his expression. "He's not. That's the point. He can't ask himself. He's a drooly quivering Flobberworm right now."

Lily raised one eyebrow. "Really? That's a rather--interesting image. Though knowing Potter that's likely to be literally true."

Sirius spread his hands out in an unusual show of supplication. "Look, James is slavering for you so much it's starting to drive Remus, Peter and me round the twist! We can't get anything done--"

"So that's why no one's been hexed lately? I wondered why it's been so peaceful--" Lily raised her hand to her chin thoughtfully.

"Shut it, Evans! All I'm asking is that you give James a bloody chance when he asks you go to Hogsmeade with him next Saturday."

She gaped at him for a moment, then laughed and shook her head in disbelief. "Oh really Black, what part of 'I don't like Potter' do you not understand?" She turned on her heel to leave.

Sirius stood flustered for a moment, watching her stride away. Then he blinked and said quickly, "I'll make it worth your while."

At that she stopped and bowed her head, considering a moment. "All right, I'm listening," she said slowly.

"How's this then? You go with James to Hogsmeade next weekend, and neither James nor I will bait Snivellus--I mean Snape--for the rest of the term," Sirius said through gritted teeth.

Lily raised her head at the resigned tone in Sirius' voice and scoffed. "You and Potter would give up Snape-baiting? Your favourite pastime? Just for Potter to score a Hogsmeade date with me? That's--that's amazing! But how do I know I can trust you?"

"I swear on my Wizarding honour."

At that she turned and shot him a skeptical look, but Sirius looked entirely sincere, almost pleading, his eyes turned downward and his fringe hanging down over his face. In the slanted late afternoon light streaming through the high windows he looked remarkably like a beaten puppy.

Lily softened a bit. "It's really that important to you?"

"Oh yeah. You don't know how much." He raised his head and gazed directly into her face. "He's doing nothing but dripping over you anymore. It's disgusting, really. I want my friend back, Evans."

She sighed and relented. "All right. Wizarding honour."

She raised her wand, and Sirius raised his; faint pink sparks emanated from each, forming a thin ribbon of energy that joined them together. When the energy faded, Lily pocketed her wand in her robe.

"Done and done, Black. Whenever he's ready, send him my way. But I'll know if you break your word--"

Sirius nodded. "Understood." They turned and went their separate ways.

Sirius headed back to the Gryffindor sixth year dormitory. Once inside, he moved over to James' curtained bed. He tore back the curtains to reveal a thick, brown worm-like creature lying helplessly on the pillow in a pool of slime, surrounded by wilted lettuce leaves. Sirius tried to hide his revulsion at the sight.

"It's done, Potter, she's going to say yes."

Immediately the animal was engulfed in a shimmery orange light, grew and changed shape, until one James Potter lay, naked and curled on top of the bed covers; glasses and hair askew and his face dark with fury.

"I HATE lettuce!" he snarled as he rose and snatched the dressing robe Sirius held out for him. "If I NEVER see lettuce again--" he trailed off and looked at himself. "I'm me again! The spell's broken! She said yes! That's what it means, right?" He looked up at Sirius hopefully. "She said YES?"

Sirius nodded, his face suddenly impassive.

"She said YES!" James pumped his fist in the air and laughed, jumping around the bed in glee. "Lily's going with me to Hogsmeade--!"

Then he stopped and his face darkened again. He pulled on the robe and began to stalk around the room. "I'm going to KILL Snivellus for this! I'm going to hex his 'nads seven ways to Sunday for turning me into a Flobberworm! Quick, we need a plan--" then he stopped pacing and stared at Sirius, who was biting his lip nervously.

"We can't, James," he whispered.

James gaped at him. "What do you mean, we can't?"

Sirius shrugged and looked away.

"What did you do, Black? Why can't we wreak revenge--?"

Sirius looked away angrily. "To get Evans to say yes I had to promise on my Wizarding honour we wouldn't hex Snivelly for the rest of the term."

James was thunderstruck. "WHAT? I--we--we can't even get back?"

Sirius shook his head. "No mate, we can't. It was either give up Snivelly or you stay a Flobberworm under Snape's hex forever because there's no way in hell Evans would have said yes otherwise."

James let out an impressive string of curses. "The end of the sodding term? That's too late to get back at Snivellus, he's bound to find out--" he started, then stopped. "Wait a minute. Sirius, what did you promise? The exact wording?"

Sirius' face brightened with dawning comprehension. " 'Neither James nor I will bait Snivelly--I mean Snape--for the rest of the term,' " he recited, hand over his heart.

James nodded slowly and grinned. "Perfect. Even better. You're a genius, Padfoot! Snivellus will never expect it."

Sirius matched his evil, calculating grin. "Perfect," he agreed. "And we won't have to break the honour pledge either."

James nodded. "Win-win all round. Brilliant, mate!" He clapped Sirius' shoulder.

"Great. Let's go find Lupin and Pettigrew."