Broken Hearts, New Dreams

Tonks' depression increased over the next two days. She was angry with herself-- and with Remus and his stubbornness-- but angrier at herself. She had always scoffed at the women in novels who pinned away after their beloved, and yet she was doing the same thing. She just couldn't find the will within herself to fight. Her whole life now seemed meaningless, and there was just no point in doing anything. She fought, she tried to care, to look at the world, but she couldn't do it. She had seen in his eyes that he loved her, and to know that he did but was too stubborn, was too sure that he was a monster, to succumb was infuriating. And it hurt him. Tonks had never wanted to hurt him. So she wasted away, trying to stop loving him, trying to stop hurting him, but she couldn't stop. She was exactly like one of those women in the novels, and she hated it.

Lupin was nervous as he approached her the third morning she had been at his flat. She had taken over the cooking; pronouncing that she now understood why he was so thin (it was, according to her, because his cooking was so terrible that he could only eat meager portions of it.) He didn't want to startle her and have her burn her hand again--as she had last time she hadn't known he was in the same room-- so he was careful to make his steps loud enough to warn her of his imminent approach.

"Would you like any help?"

She turned toward him, holding a plate full of scrambled eggs, toast and sausage carefully in one hand. "If you could just take this to the table Lupin, I'll get the other one." She kept her voice carefully emotionless and her eyes were fixed on the plate. He reached out to take it, but as their hands touched Tonks jerked and dropped the plate. She let out a wail. "Oh Merlin's pants! I'm sorry Remus. I didn't mean to!" She looked up into his eyes as she said his name for the first time in weeks. Lupin, who had taken his wand out, about to fix the plate and put the food back on, was caught by the color of her eyes, and they both remained like that, staring straight into each other's eyes, until the eggs still in the frying pan started to burn and Tonks remembered that she was supposed to not be looking at Remus' face.

They ate their breakfast in silence until Lupin had finished and washed his plate. He didn't turn away from the sink when he said, "Tonks... it's the full moon in two days, so I'm leaving today..." He let it trail of hesitantly, no longer sure how she'd take it.

"Oh Lupin, if you want me to leave and you can stay here..." she said quickly, unsure how much of a nuisance she was to him.

"It's fine, Tonks, it's better if I'm not here anyway. If I'm not back in four days time, you can alert the Order." He was ashamed by how much his voice softened when he said her name. It just wasn't right.

He left to pack the stuff he needed. There wasn't much, and he was ready to leave by the time Tonks was finished breakfast and her dishes. He stood awkwardly at the door to the kitchen, leaning on the frame of the doorway. She didn't notice he was there until she made to leave the kitchen and nearly knocked into him, which made her try to turn, which, in turn, made her trip. Lupin felt his mouth twitch as he regarded her at his feet, looking amusingly surprised to no longer be standing.

He reached out his hand to help her up, and she accepted it instinctively. As he clutched her hand and helped pull her to a standing position he remembered that he hadn't touched her in a month. He didn't let go of her hand once she was upright.

"I'll be back in four days, Tonks. Try not to drop anything or trip while I'm gone, OK? There's no saying what might happen." He managed to drop her hand and turn his back on her to leave, so he didn't see how her eyes filled with confusion, and love, and pain.

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With Lupin gone, Tonks took even less care of herself. She went to work in the mornings, came home in the afternoons and would have something small and easy to make for dinner. She tended to skip lunch and only had breakfast sometimes. The first two days she was at his flat alone were gloomy, and she stayed inside and slept when she wasn't working. The third day was the day she had promised her supervisor she would do paperwork, and she stayed late at the Ministry, trying to pretend that she still enjoyed her job. By the time she got home, it was so late that she was actually hungry, and made a proper meal for herself in the first time in three days. She ate only half of it--the meat tasted weird and the rice was cooked too well-- and went out to Lupin's little backyard ( he had told her months ago that he had used magic to make a yard where none should be) where she found his dismal attempt to make a garden. He had put a tall fence around the yard and planted a few now wilting flowers, but had never actually finished it. She sat on the bench and stared up at the sky, for once feeling perfectly peaceful. She was getting a stomach-ache-- she supposed the meat must have been off-- but she didn't want to move. As she watched the sky the stomach-ache grew more and more uncomfortable, and then seemed to spread the pain to the rest of her torso, and then her legs and finally her head. Tonks attempted to get up, to move, to get back into the flat, but her legs buckled and she fell as her vision went cloudy, and then nearly black.

It was her ninth birthday. Bill and Charlie Weasley were there, and her mother had invited some of her parents' friends, who in turn brought their kids (though Dora didn't actually like them at all) and her cousin Sirius had come, and brought the three mates he was always talking about...

Remus' eyes were caramel, and kind, and she had dropped a plate on his foot...

Sirius was laughing and laughing, until he fell off his chair, and Lupin laughed harder, and then...

Tenth birthday... he was there again. He said he liked her hair pink... She tripped as she handed him a glass of water ... made him wet...

Sirius was bugging James, who hit him with a pillow, which resulted in a fight... Remus

came over, tried to stop it...Sirius and James turned on him instead...he fell and laughed... and Tonks revealed her hiding place by tripping over her feet... they hit her then...and they kept laughing, and laughing...

He was quiet, staring into the fire...Sirius was gone...again, but for good...

His eyes...haunting...cold...distant...unattainable.

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Lupin was worried when he opened the door and Nymphadora didn't appear. When he called her and she still didn't answer he began to panic. He strode quickly from room to room, calling her name over and over again. It wasn't a work day and it was doubtful that she would have left without leaving a note (she had, after all, known he was coming back today.)As he stood in his own room, having looked everywhere, he suddenly remembered the garden he had given up on, which he had told her about months ago. His heart in his throat he strode towards the door, opened it, and saw Tonks lying on the ground, halfway between the bench and the door.

"Nymphadora! What are you doing? Answer me!" She lay so still and limp that as he strode towards her he had a feeling of intense dread about what he would find, of what had happened to her, of whether she was still alive.

She was cold and gave no resistance to his shaking. Lupin was relieved to find that her heart beat, though faintly. Cursing, Lupin picked her up; opened the door with magic and set Nymphadora on the couch before fire-calling Molly.

****

"I didn't know what to do, Molly. I thought I should get you first, and then decide whether or not we should risk taking her to Mungo's. She was outside when I got home. I have absolutely no idea how long--" Remus broke of his babbling as they reached the couch. Molly cast a few charms, which Remus--in his currently distracted state of mind-- didn't bother to remember.

Remus stood silent for several minutes before he lost control. "How is she? Is she really bad? Should I have taken her to Mungo's right away?"

Molly didn't answer for a couple of seconds, letting Remus' ramblings turn to mutters before she talked. "I think it was poison. I don't know which kind, or how much."

"Poison! How could she have been poisoned? Nymphadora isn't stupid."

"Remus, for Merlin's sake how should I know? I can only guess that someone gave it to her without her knowing it, or put it in food that you bought and she was the first to eat. It's possible it wasn't even intended for her. She likely didn't eat enough to kill her though. I doubt whoever did this meant for the poison to do no more than make the victim unconscious. You did right not taking her to St. Mungo's; it could have been a Ministry person who poisoned her." Molly's usually cheery face was weary and worried.

Remus felt his own face go white as her words sunk in. "You mean, the poison may have been meant for me? And the only reason we're having this conversation is because she took the poison intended for me? That she could have died, because of me? That--"

"Remus, stop it. There is no telling what might have happened. Stop pulling your hair out. Sit down."

Remus sat in the vacant chair she had indicated, still clutching his hair. Molly gazed at him for several seconds, letting him stew.

"You love her." It wasn't a question, but Remus nodded anyway.

"Don't you think you ought to tell her sometime then? Don't you think it would do both of you good?"

"I'm too old, too poor, and obviously shown in this little incident, too dangerous." His tone was bleak when he replied.

"Don't you think that she's considered that? Nymphadora is quite smart, Remus, she wouldn't want anything she believed could hurt her."

When he didn't answer, keeping his eyes fixed on Nymphadora's limp form on the couch, Molly Weasley sighed.

"She's just in a very deep sleep, I don't know if she feels any pain or not. There's nothing we can do but wait for her to wake up. Talk to her, it might be incentive for her to wake up. I'll come back tomorrow." She walked to the door, then stopped and looked back at the figure seated motionless in the chair.

"Think about what I said, Remus. You don't have to hide."

She left without taking another look at the figure who had hid his agonized eyes behind his hands.

*********************

After Molly left Remus moved Nymphadora to his room, tucked her in carefully, and brushed the hair off her forehead. He sat down a chair he had conjured up, took her small hand in his, and just sat like that, gazing at her face that was so peaceful in sleep.

And when he finally opened his mouth to speak the only thing he could find to say were two simple words.

"I'm sorry."