Broken Hearts, New Dreams

He was surprised by how much it hurt him to look into Tonks' eyes and to know that it was he that was causing her this pain. It hurt him to look at her hair, not its normal shade of vibrant pink, but a dull, mousy brown. Her eyes, usually so vibrant and involved, were withdrawn, sad and pain filled. He shouldn't have come to this meeting, there was no need, and after all, he already had his assignment and could keep up with other news easily enough through the members of the Order that he had some contact with.

He left as soon as the meeting was finished.

He hadn't talked to anyone in a long time by the time he came to the Weasleys' house for supper one night two weeks after the meeting. He was surprised by how much he had sunk within himself, he used to talk to people at least every second day.

But, he supposed, the people he used to talk to were all dead, gone, and there were only the visions of the sad girl to keep him company. It was odd for him to be among people again, to be spoken too, and he was ashamed of himself for hiding so much. The point of his going to Hogwarts, of being able to pretend (at least before the full moon) that he was a normal person, and not a monster, was being wasted. He was becoming like some of the other werewolves he knew, brooding, unused to company, and utterly, terribly, lonely. Though he was, he hoped, not evil.

It was hard to admit, even to himself, that he was letting his love (for yes, he had realized it was love) for Tonks get in the way of everything, and everyone, else. And yet, anytime he was near her, it got harder and harder for him to resist the temptation to give in, to admit that he loved her.

He wasn't much company during dinner, he sat, brooding, in his chair, trying to ignore the glares Mrs. Weasley kept shooting his way. She had approached him again at the beginning of the last meeting, begging him to see Tonks, to come to his senses, to stop ignoring the world. But she couldn't see that he couldn't let in to the temptation. He was a monster and he would not, would absolutely not put anyone he loved into that kind of danger. It was frustrating that Mrs. Weasley and the others could not see his reasons for keeping his distance, for they weakened his will every time they mentioned how thin Tonks was growing, or how she hadn't changed her appearance in months. It hurt him, and for that reason he wouldn't go near Tonks.

Of course, plans never do go directly as planned.

The doorbell rang in his flat minutes after Lupin had gotten up and ready for the day. He sighed, and considered ignoring it, as it was always one of his Muggle neighbors (he had taken a flat in a Muggle neighborhood, believing it was the place that anyone who was looking for him would consider the least likely to be his home) But, if he ignored it, and the Muggle told his friends how rude he had been, word might get around about the rude hermit living in the small flat. He looked through the peek hole, to determine what the Muggle was likely to be asking (it was always either a brochure for a cause, a request to donate to a cause, or an invitation to join an obscure church) and found that it was in fact, Tonks.

He opened the door cautiously, not sure why she was here. He did the usual questions to determine whether she was Tonks or a Death Eater. But he found himself at loss of what to ask after the usual "What's your name?" He was silent for a moment, and Tonks, showing the only sign of her usual cheery self in ages rolled her eyes and said, " The last thing you said to me was 'hello' at the Burrow, 20 days ago, at an Order meeting, happy?"

He nodded his head, not sure if she was being bitter or not.

"Look, Lupin, I'm supposed to ask if I can stay at your place for a bit, Mum and Dad are doing something for the Order, which includes them using my room, and I have nowhere to stay and everyone else is too obviously involved with the Order for me to stay with them. Whereas you aren't being watched because no one can find you, and the Ministry won't find out I'm here and sack me." she said it all in a rush, as though trying to get it out in the open as soon as possible; she avoided Lupins' eyes the whole time, staring rather fixedly at the pavement instead.

Lupin was utterly flabbergasted, how could he refuse Tonks if it was Order business? He was sure that having her in the same flat as himself would not be beneficial to either of them, and yet without saying his reasons for this to everyone, he could not refuse.

"Just as a matter of curiosity, who suggested my house?" he asked, opening the door wider and gesturing for her to come inside, trying to not look too resigned, or too happy.

"Mrs. Weasley," she mumbled as she moved quickly through the door, too quickly, as she tripped on the welcome mat and nearly fell into the house.

Of course, Lupin thought, the old matchmaker, before he closed the door behind her.

******************************

For Tonks, having to beg Lupin or all people for a place to stay was excruciating. She hated looking into his eyes and the cold, withdrawn look that was always there. She hated to be near him, to feel him by her, but be unable to touch him, to talk to him. She kept her eyes trained on her feet, hoping he would think that she was trying not to trip--though she had to admit even that didn't help much-- and tried to distance herself, tried not to feel the agony of being near him but not near him at all.

Lupin attempted to be gallant, offering Tonks his room, she, trying not to think of his room, demanded that she be given the couch, saying Lupin needed better sleep than she did. It was weird for them both to be so close, and both so withdrawn. Lupin fondly remembered the old days, when they had just met, and he didn't know whether or not she fancied him and Sirius was there, and they talked and had parties and got way too drunk until they spilled all of their deepest secrets and Tonks would laugh and laugh until she fell under the table, which made Sirius and Lupin laugh all the harder, until it felt like the would never stop. And then Tonks would get up and try to make them stop, but she would inevitably trip and they would keep laughing at her expense, and then when they slept they would sit in their chairs--being too tired to move-- and the laughter would still be etched upon Sirius and Tonks' faces.

But they were dead now, gone, Sirius, James, Lily, the old, vibrant Tonks, and everyone else Lupin had ever loved. He shut his heart against those memories, he was a monster, and the time was past when he could forget that.