Love, and Other Things That Hurt

Chapter Fifteen

It might have been a dream.

Ginny was braced for it, for a crushing dose of reality, and when her body woke her the next morning, she lay there, motionless, silently talking herself round to the possibility that what felt like a warm, velvet memory already imprinted on her heart was actually a cruel joke designed by her overwrought brain as she slept.
So when she felt cool lips touch her forehead, it was as though all the color rushed back into her world.
She opened her eyes and met Draco's gaze as he began running his hands through her hair, his own eyes searching her face.
"Hi," he said.
"Hi," she echoed, and she couldn't fight the bliss that flooded into her heart, he smile that followed. "How did you know I was awake?"
"You stopped breathing," he responded wryly. "Convinced I was a mirage?"
"Yes," she responded, slightly abashed. "But it helps to be able to feel you."
Ginny laid a hand against his cheek and he turned his face to press his lips against it.

"I have an N.E.W.T. in half an hour," he said with a grimace. "I should have woken you earlier, but -"

Ginny turned slightly pale, an incident that had little to do with the way her stomach began churning as she struggled into a sitting position. "Go! Go, I'll be fine. You can't be late to your exam."
Draco opened his mouth to respond but she forestalled him with a kiss. He made an appreciative noise, but she squirmed out of his arms before the kiss could be further pursued.
"Go," she repeated, smiling at him. "I have to go to class now too. I'll see you later."
A shadow passed briefly over Draco's face and the grin that had been playing around his mouth evaporated. It was as though something had just occurred to him. "We - we'll have to tell -"

Ginny's face fell as well. "I know," she said. The understanding that they finally had to come out of hiding was seeping into her consciousness and she felt dizzy with the anxiety of it. "We'll figure that out tonight." Time was not on their side, and Ginny knew it was only a matter of time before their scandalous relationship became visible under her robes, but she couldn't bring herself to mar this pleasant albeit brief morning encounter.
When he had left, Ginny dressed, pausing briefly to be sick violently into the basin that still stood on the nightstand. She was so used to this inconvenience now that she Vanished the vomit before she had to look at it. By the time she made it up to her dormitory for her books and back down to the third floor for double Charms, she slid into her desk only just in time.

Linnea smiled at her as she took her seat and gave her hand a squeeze under the table, and Ginny reciprocated both. By the time Professor Flitwick had wrapped up his lecture and set them to work reviewing Protean Charms, Ginny wasn't sure if the aching across her back and the dull throbbing pain in her stomach was because of the pregnancy or at the prospect of revealing it to her friends.

"God, I've missed you, Gin," Linnea sighed, pulling out her wand as Luna wandered over to join them. "Harlow kept saying, it's so boring without you around all the time."

"I quite agree," Luna put in dreamily. "Transfiguration has been rather dull with Professor Trelawney having to give you detention for causing disruptions or falling asleep.
Ginny smiled in spite of herself. "So how are things?" she asked Linnea, lowering her voice slightly as Professor Flitwick passed them. "Are you and Neville -"

To her surprise, Linnea flushed a deep scarlet before she had even formed her question. At this, Ginny raised her eyebrows at her. "Well?" she asked. The question she was implying hadn't been the one she was going to ask, but Linnea's suspicious behavior intrigued her.

Linnea looked wildly around, her cheeks still glowing like the sun. "We - we -" she said, and then she finally seemed to compose herself. "Things are very well with us, thank you.
Ginny looked at Luna, who merely beamed complacently back, before rounding on Linnea. "Sex?!" she whispered urgently, and Linnea turned, if possible, even redder.

"No!" she hissed, looking mortified. "Just...other things."

Despite everything else, Ginny couldn't suppress letting out a snort which made Linnea glare at her furiously. After a few moments, however, they were both shaking with silent laughter. Luna, who hadn't been listening, gave them a curious look.
Ginny caught her breath and threw her arm around Linnea in a hug. "Just other things, huh?" she said, shaking her head and smiling. "Trust me, keep it that way."

Linnea opened her mouth, looking confused, but was interrupted by the bell. They gathered their things, hurried into the hallway, and ran straight into Harlow, who slung her arms through Ginny's with an exclaimed greeting as they headed towards the Entrance Hall to climb the stairs for their next lesson.

Blaise Zabini was loitering by the spiral staircase with a handful of Slytherin friends, his arm draped casually over the railing and his exaggerated swagger in place. Ginny shifted her incredulous expression back to Harlow, who looked unabashed.

"What?" she said with a cheeky grin and a shrug. "No harm in looking."

"Right," teased Linnea, who, now that Ginny saw her in the open, looked slightly odd not attached to Neville by the lip. "Just window shopping, are you?"

"Oh please," Harlow said, rolling her dark-lashed hazel eyes up to the stone ceiling. "It's only eye-flirting. It's practically an instinctual quality programmed into my DNA at birth. Ask my mother. I think I started in nursery school."

"Why him?" Ginny asked before she could stop herself, and regretted it immediately. Not only did she sound needlessly shrill, but the attraction was obvious. From his general appearance and what she had been told by Draco on the rare occasion that the subject came up, Blaise was very much a male counterpart of Harmony herself.

"It just seems wrong to me," Linnea said, crinkling her delicate nose as she followed Harlow and Ginny up the spiral staircase past Blaise and his crew. "I mean, you know I'm not discriminatory, but -"

"Really, Elle?" Harlow said, slinging her arm around Linnea's shoulders, amused. "I think you may be, just a little bit."

Ginny glanced back to see the look of shock on Linnea's face.

"I'm not!" she said, her voice going shrill. "Matters of blood mean nothing to me. My mum's a Muggle, and I enjoy Muggle Studies as much as Hermione does. Maybe even more!"

"Doubtful," Harlow muttered under her breath.

"That doesn't really apply in this instance, Linnea," Ginny pointed out." Zabini's a Pure Blood."

"My point," Linnea said stiffly, "was that I do not discriminate. Whether it be by House or blood. As far as I'm concerned, the Slytherins are no different than us as a whole."

"But...?" Harlow asked teasingly.

"But, you're insane," Linnea said, rolling her eyes as they reached the door of the classroom. "Not to mention completely morally obstruct. To think, you're actually talking about having sex with someone like that?"

"Sure," Harlow said with a shrug. "It's just sex."

Though her friends were oblivious, Ginny's mind was occupied for the rest of the day as she relived this conversation over and over again. It began to occur to her that her having sex with Draco all these months may not have been as scandalous to her friends as she always assumed. Of course, Linnea would have been shocked, but being accustomed to Harlow's brazen sexuality after all these years, Ginny was certain that after some time, she would have adjusted. Hermione already knew, and based on what Harlow had just said, she couldn't possibly pass judgment on the situation. After all, it was just sex.

At first.

Everything had changed now, Ginny mused as she attended the rest of her classes. This was no longer about forbidden sex. This was complete over-the-top mayhem that Ginny herself had barely come to terms with.

But despite this fact, Ginny felt a pang of regret that all the deceit, all the secrecy, could have been avoided in part at least had she just been honest from the start with her two best friends.

It was mid-afternoon during the first of her double free period, when she sat alone on the grounds with her books, her back against a tall oak tree, when she heard lawn-muffled footsteps approaching. She looked up in time to see Draco dropping down beside her, leaning over and taking her face in his hands.

"Hi," he said, his eyes on hers, their faces an inch apart.

"Hi," she breathed, her lips still forming the syllable as he moved his mouth lightly onto hers, momentarily taking her breath away.

"Aren't you worried someone will see?" Ginny murmured, although indeed the grounds were nearly deserted thanks to the unusually grey weather outside. Ginny expected Draco to point this out, but instead he gave a wry smile, running a hand through his platinum hair.

"Red, on my list of things to worry about," he said, a note of something Ginny couldn't quite identify in his voice. "That is swiftly falling lower and lower."
As she took a proper look at him, she noticed that though he wore a grim smile, his brows were knitted in a tell-tale sign of irritation. She considered not asking so as not to break the comfortable atmosphere, but he conveniently chose that moment to let his face slide into a scowl and lean against the oak tree that was shading them.
"Is something wrong?" she asked mildly after a moment. "How'd the exam go?"

"The exam was fine," Draco said darkly, dragging his fingers aggressively through his hair. "It's Pansy fucking Parkinson again, that stupid cunt."

Ginny's stomach lurched at the last word. She was hardly a prude, nor was she averse to using colorful language when the situation warranted, but it was it was an ugly word, particularly when wrapped in her favorite voice in the world. She got to her feet and found herself automatically spreading her fingers against her navel, her forehead creased. "Do you have to talk like that?"

"Like what?"

"Like that. Throwing around the 'C' word like it's just a word."

Draco, who had stood too, stared at her. "It's not just a word. I'm pretty sure Parkinson had it copyrighted as her official title."

Ginny shifted her weight from one foot to the next. She felt tired, hot and uncomfortable, and the persistent nausea that plagued her these days, not to mention the stubborn cramping in her abdomen was given an edge by her irritation, and she was too exhausted to pursue it, nor to create another reason for a fight. "Never mind. It doesn't matter."

Now his face was incredulous. "You're a pain in my arse, you know that?"

"I know." She leaned her head against his chest and he immediately ran his hands over her hair, a habit that seemed to have become automatically for him whenever the situation arose. "So what did she do?"

"Told Paradis that I wanted to bang her."

Ginny raised her head. She blinked. "What?"

Draco's scowl deepened. "I went to the dormitory to drop off my bag and she was laying on my bed in her damn knickers."

Ginny's shriek of "WHAT?!" sent birds into flight from the trees at the edge of the distant forest. Wincing, Draco covered his ears.

"Bloody hell," he said dryly, lowering his hands. "Do you mind? People are going to think I just ran you through with a sword."

"She - she - you - what did you do?" Ginny demanded, ignoring this, and Draco gave her a withering look.

"What do you mean, what did I do?" he said, his voice heavy with irony. "I stripped down and joined her. Things got a bit awkward when Zabini and Nott walked in, but I thought, 'What the hell, live a little,' so we asked them to join us."

"Very funny," Ginny snapped.

"Well what do you want me to say, you crazy broad?" Draco demanded, exasperated. "I threw her damned clothes back at her and told her I'd let Goyle know she was waiting for him. She cleared out pretty quickly after that."

Ginny's mouth twitched as she tried not to smile. "Really?"

"You sound surprised," he said.

Before she could respond, the first bell rang loud and clear across the grounds, making them both jump. Ginny looked round and surveyed Draco for a moment before giving in to the impulse to lean over and nestle into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair.

They sat like that for a long moment, locked in a public embrace with nobody around to witness it. Fleetingly, Ginny imagined how much more simple it would be if they were outed, simply caught like this, so completely and undeniably together. People would speculate, gossip, but within days interest would wane and then it would just be the two of them, with no explanations required. No longer accountable to anyone.

But reality was not so, she mused as Draco stroked her hair. It wasn't just the Hogwarts population they had to get past, a few groups of gossiping teenagers. It was their two families, who not only happened to be from two completely different worlds, but who also happened to have a personal grudge against one another. This was not about casual sex with somebody from the rival Quidditch team. This was not as simple as Blaise and Harlow. This was dangerous and as she lay her head against Draco's chest, she knew that he felt the same.

When the bell rang, Ginny gave a start and scrambled to her feet. Draco stood up more gradually, raising an eyebrow at her.

Ginny ignored this, taking a few deep breaths. "I'll see you tonight?" she asked, starting to gather her books into her arms.

Draco stepped in front of her and pulled the books out of her arms. As she looked up at him, he eased her gently up against the tree trunk and cupped her face in his hands, staring at her, her gaze so intense that Ginny could feel herself blush.

"See you," he said, and with one swift smile, so brief that she wasn't sure if it had really been there at all, he turned and was gone without another word.

-

Though his final N.E.W.T was right after lunch, Draco was distracted by his inability to stop seething about the Alyssa Paradis situation when he returned to his dormitory to grab his books for some last-minute revision during lunchtime. He had just settled into an armchair by one of the common room windows, through which the green of the lake outside was pouring in, when Blaise sprinted in, panting.

"DUDE!" he shouted when he spotted Draco, who raised his eyes lazily over the top of Advanced Potion Making.

"Dude?" he repeated irritably. "What the fuck is wrong with you? You sound like a bloody Yankee."

Unfazed, Blaise collapsed, sprawling, into the loveseat across from Draco, his eyebrows raised suggestively.

"Don't be coy," he said, smirking as he slung his arms over his head. "I've heard all about your little sexploitation with Paradis this morning."

Draco's hands clenched onto his book so hard that he could feel the hard cover bending under his fingers. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, please, everyone's talking about it," Blaise said breezily, pulling a stray thread off of his immaculately pressed trousers. "I must admit, I thought it would be Parkinson, but man, this is so much better."

Draco stiffly set down his book, his face carefully arranged into a calm expression. "Zabini," he said, his voice steady. "Must I spoon-feed you every logical conclusion?"

Blaise frowned. "What does that -"

"I DIDN'T SHAG PARADIS!" Draco bellowed, his book falling to the floor with a thump. "Are you dense? Parkinson told her I was interested in order to stir up shit with...with..."

"Weasley?" Blaise suggested.

Draco scowled in response.

"But - " Blaise's eyes widened and he immediately bolted upright. "Parkinson knows? She knows you're - "

"No, she doesn't know who," Draco muttered, retrieving his book from the floor and slamming it onto the table beside him. "But she knows it's someone, and most likely someone that I don't want anyone to know about.

Blaise considered this. "Well, isn't it?"

Draco looked at him. "Huh?

"You don't want anyone to know about Weasley," Blaise said with a shrug. "That's...you know, why nobody does know."

Draco hesitated. "Yeah," he said eventually. "I guess.

After a few more minutes of having him press for details, Draco finally got rid of Blaise by threatening to spread the rumor that he was impotent, but the supposedly peaceful silence that followed only gave him more time to become absorbed in his predicament, and what was still to come, and by the time the bell rang and he left for exam, the certainty that had declared only one night before was plaguing him in the deepest chambers of his blackened, guilt-ridden heart.

-

The day drew to a close, and with it, Ginny did all she could to summon the courage to confront Harlow and Linnea with the truth she should have trusted them with a long time ago. But as she sat in the Great Hall at dinner and looked from Harlow's laughing face to Linnea's blissful love-struck one as she leaned against Neville's shoulder, she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Her guilt was manifesting internally deep in the pit of her stomach, and she felt more ill than she had in weeks as she contemplated the possibility of breaking two such monumental truths to them, and watching her entire world shift with it. As she looked at Ron and Hermione, who, too, were sitting a little closer together than usual, though speaking normally to Harry and everyone else, she felt wretched as the even more frightening prospect of sharing the truth with her family washed over her, and after awhile, she rose from the table, unable to sit there anymore amidst the happy chatter and wafting smells of delicious food.

She said a quick goodbye, and she was halfway to the Gryffindor common room when she heard footsteps behind her. Her stomach lurched before she turned and saw Hermione appearing from around a corner.

"Ginny," she said, and Ginny felt a sudden, unexpected rush of glorious relief pass over her as she saw the concerned face of her oldest friend draw nearer. When she was within arm's reach, Ginny felt the threat of tears rising up her throat.
"What happened?" Hermione demanded, gently grabbing her arm and looking into her face anxiously. "Did you - is everything - "

She didn't finish the question, but Ginny could no longer hold back, and the words flew out of her mouth in a cracked, panicked whisper before she could stop them.
I'm pregnant.

This time, Hermione looked dumbstruck. She stood, her mouth open, for several seconds before taking a deep breath and shaking her head, as though to ward off an irksome fly. "Pregnant," she whispered back, and hearing the word from someone else's mouth caused fresh panic to surge in Ginny's chest. "Oh my. Oh goodness. Ginny...oh, Ginny."

And to Ginny's slight surprise, Hermione reached out and enfolded her into her arms, holding her as tightly as she had ever done. Ginny wrapped her arms around the other girl and blinked back hot tears that were forming in her eyes before they could fall. Hermione finally drew back.

"Does he know?" she asked, her voice low.
Ginny nodded.
Hermione looked hesitant. "And?"

Ginny lifted and dropped one shoulder. "He's - he's staying by me. But I - we don't know - "

Hermione seemed to understand. "Do you have time - time before you have to tell?"

Ginny shook her head. "Running out of time," she whispered.

The sympathy in Hermione's eyes filled a void in Ginny's heart that she herself had carved their when she began alienating herself from her friends. But another part of her hated herself for burdening Hermione with more of her drama.
"You don't have to do it alone," Hermione said. "I promise, Ginny. I'll help you however I can - even if it's just helping you tell - tell everyone. Don't worry, okay? It's all going to be alright."

"Is it?" Ginny asked. The words slipped out before she could stop them and she regretted them immediately.
"Yes," Hermione said simply. "It is."

She held tight to Ginny once more, who, in an attempt to distract herself from the tears that still threatened in her eyes, insisted that Hermione go back to dinner. "I'll see you in the common room," she assured her, forcing a smile onto her face. "Don't worry about me. We'll work it out later."

The corridors were empty and silent as Ginny walked through them quite alone in search of another staircase that would bring her up to Gryffindor tower. One person knew now. Just one person of the dozens who would eventually know, and she had mere weeks until she started to show. The idea made her dizzy with anxiety and instead of subsiding as she hastily gulped in huge breaths of air and slowed her pace, her hand falling to her chest under which her heart was pounding like a drum.

What would happen then, once the truth was out? What would happen when her parents, shocked and horrified over the scandal, had to face the truth that their daughter was carrying a bastard child from the family they hated? What would happen once Draco told his parents the truth, and was disinherited, banished...worse? What will we do, Ginny's hazy mind wondered dully as she clutched at her achy stomach, her teeth clenched, her heart heavy. It was impossible.
We can't do this.

Ginny froze in place as this thought overcame her, and then, quite suddenly, the world broke open all at once with a paroxysm of agony that struck her lower abdomen like a knife.

The torchlight seemed to flicker as Ginny's eyelids fluttered and abruptly, she stopped mid-corridor with a small, inaudible intake of breath. No, she thought, and the panic turned to pain, sharp, seizing pain, a shadow passing over her eyes as she staggered slightly in place.

No. No. No.

The aching pains she had become accustomed to in the past few weeks, the pains that had been steadily increasing in intensity for hours without her paying much attention, the pains had tightened across her lower back, and Ginny sucked in a sharp breath as she sank back against the cool stone wall, a cold sweat beading across her forehead even as a feverish heat began rising up her chest. She could hardly catch her breath, and somehow in the panic and madness, the words, the inexplicable began screaming from the back of her mind, It's too early, it's too early, it's far too early for this.

Through her confusion, it was pain like she had never experienced, and it was only minutes, though it seemed hours that she stood half-slumped in the long, empty corridor before footsteps announced the arrival of another. As he rounded the corner and registered the crumpled, whimpering figure ahead of him, the perpetual smirking grin that dominated Blaise Zabini's handsome face shifted into a grimace, and as he approached her, Ginny looked up at him with eyes shimmering in pain.

There was one, silent, endless pause.
"Oh my fuck," Blaise muttered.
He took one mere glance around him before exhaling through his teeth and bending to gather Ginny awkwardly into his arms, and he knew better than to ask questions as he lifted from the floor and carried the Gryffindor, the blood-traitor, his best friend's girl the two flights of stairs to the hospital wing, a trail of blood falling in a graceful ribbon to the floor in their wake.

-

Her world was a rush and blur of shapes as she struggled to find meaning in where she was, in where she was going. She tried to latch onto her surroundings, tried to understand, tried to put faces to those around her; the strong arms carrying her, the loud, fretful voice of a woman nearby. . . But while reality swirled around her, she only saw one thing, emerging from the colors and shapes - a new figure, the only one who spoke to her, her voice as faraway as a dream as the blinding white walls of the hospital wing engulfed her, as the panic that overwhelmed the room made her delirious.
It's alright, Ginny, Hermione whispered, and Ginny could not even manage to wonder how her best friend had found her here, and appeared just when she had needed her most, and her voice drifted to surround Ginny's barely-consciousness, even as the rush of roaring sound that would not relent in Ginny's head threatened to swallow the words back up again. You're alright, I promise. I love you. It's all going to be alright.

-

When Ginny finally awoke, the sun was going down outside the wide window, and the pillow was damp. As she struggled into a sitting position, her hands found her face and she felt deep welts there from having clutched it with her fingernails. She fumbled for the empty fruit bowl on the nightstand beside the hospital bed she lay in and the reflection that greeted her in its metal surface was pale and drawn with wide, frightened eyes and tear-stained cheeks. She tried to stand, but a raspy whimper tore from her throat as her abdomen lurched painfully.

Footsteps sounded outside the closed curtains that surrounded the bed, and a moment later, Madam Pomfrey appeared. She tsked when she saw Ginny in a sitting position, and immediately bustled to her side.

"You need to lay back, she said, and though her lips were pursed tight and her eyebrows drawn together, her voice was low and gentle. "There now, that's a good girl. Your friend Miss Granger just left a few moments ago, she's been sitting with you. She wanted you to take some time to rest."

She had been there. Ginny knew it had been real. "What's happening?" Ginny asked, her voice thick with the threat of panicked tears. "What's wrong with me?"

There was a long silence, and Madam Pomfrey laid a hand gently on Ginny's shoulder.

"You're alright now," she said, an echo of the very words Hermione had spoken, and it occurred to Ginny now that Hermione could not have known that everything would be alright, that she had spoken the words for solace, for reassurance. Ginny could only now imagine what it had cost the girl, the straightforward, stable shoulder that Ginny had always been able to lean on, the closest thing she had to a sister, to tell what may have been a lie. And here was stern Madam Pomfrey, taking the liberty of using those same words, and Ginny marveled at how empty they truly were.

She looked up at the matron, met her wide, sad eyes, and knew.

As she struggled out of the bed before she could be stopped, as her entire body began shaking, she just knew.

The irony was not lost on Ginny as she dissolved into tears, falling onto her knees next to the bed, collapsing in raspy, anguished sobs against the window that showed the sprawling, peaceful Hogwarts grounds, the exact same place where she had been certain her life was over only weeks before for exactly the opposite reason.