Love, and Other Things That Hurt

Chapter Fourteen

The Great Hall clattered with the sounds of cutlery and dishes being jostled and passed, and Draco stared unseeingly at his plate, his eyes glazed over. He knew Blaise was talking to him, but he didn't even bother to feign attention. This had been happening for the past week, he zoning out in the presence of others while they attempted to get his attention, and while Nott, Crabbe, and Goyle had given up, Blaise was still persisting to include Draco in all his usual discussions of gossip that Draco had no interest in even when he was himself.

The past week had been a series of disjointed hours moving at a torturous pace, sleepless nights during which Draco merely tossed and turned, with dreams consisting of fleeting images rushing through his exhausted mind faster than he could identify them. As for the concrete thoughts of waking hours, it had not been difficult for Draco to force his mind into shutdown mode. He had been locked in shutdown mode for most of his life.

Blaise had asked questions at first, especially on the first day that Ginny had disappeared and Draco had spent the whole day in an apparent daze, speaking only when spoken to him by a teacher and making his way from class to class with an unfocused gaze. But when it seemed apparent that he was not going to be getting any answers, Blaise had eventually backed down with overt inquiries. However, not even Blaise could fail to notice Ginny's complete evanescence from every meal, as well as the general rumours associated with her absence, and although he asked no more questions, Draco was aware that Blaise made the connection, at least to some degree, between Draco's attitude and the disappearance of the Weasley girl.

"I miss Quidditch already," Nott was grumbling, spreading gravy over his pork roast and glancing sideways at Draco. "I can't believe we'll never see another school game. Your best catch yet, though, Draco. 'Mazing."

Crabbe and Goyle grunted their agreement, and Blaise clapped Draco on the back. Draco said nothing, merely stabbing a baked potato on his plate with his fork. The House Championship game, which had taken place against Gryffindor the Saturday after Ginny's disappearance, had been long and brutal. Draco gave his team no instructions in the changing room before the game, merely letting Lionel chatter animatedly about various random tactical strategies, but when they hit the field, it became very clear that none were needed. Draco said nothing as the team emerged onto the pitch into the pouring rain or when Madam Hooch instructed him to shake hands with Potter, but the moment he mounted his Nimbus 2001 and pushed off the ground at the whistle, Draco was like a man possessed. Potter had skill and determination of course, and it was a close and ferocious race, but all the fury that had been raging inside Draco came out on the pitch, and after a violent rain-soaked battle that lasted almost two hours, Draco managed to swipe the Snitch a split-second before Potter did as the two collided in mid-air and landed thirty feet below on the pitch in a heap. The Slytherin section in the stands went berserk and the Slytherin team ran to help Draco to his feet, hive-fiving and whooping, as the Gryffindor team commiserated moodily by their goalpost, but Draco had barely glanced at the gold Quidditch Cup presented to the Slytherin team before traipsing through the rain-soaked grass back to the changing rooms alone, returning to the Slytherin dungeons long before the rest of the House and not emerging from the dormitory even as a loud raucous celebration party was held in the common room for the remainder of the afternoon. When Draco finally materialized sometime after dinner into the common room where most of his friends had grudgingly been getting started on their weekend homework, all of them had greeted him abnormally casually. It was obvious that Blaise had told them not to say anything about Draco's behaviour after the match, with the obvious exception of almost hourly reminiscences about his "spectacular catch", which Draco had little interest in anyway.

He ignored the comment now just as he had been for the past week and a half, only growing more irritable at the sudden small commotion over by the Gryffindor table nearest the doors to the Entrance Hall. The people nearest were craning their necks to get a look and several others seemed to be chattering excitedly to their friends with the unmistakable air of sharing the latest gossip.

"What the hell are the damn Gryffindors yammering about now?" Nott asked mutinously, shooting a distasteful glance over to the table while Draco pushed his plate back and merely directed his gaze up at the darkening ceiling above.

"It's -" Blaise began with a cavalier air, but he stopped in midsentence, and even Draco couldn't miss the uncomfortable nature of the abrupt silence that followed. Nott, apparently unconcerned, turned back to his plate and began cramming forkfuls of green beans into his mouth and Crabbe and Goyle seemed, as usual, to be interested only in when the next course was coming, but Draco saw Blaise glance quickly at him before turning away from the doors to the Entrance Hall and immediately busying himself with buttering his roll. There was still the usual chattering and clanking of dishes throughout the Great Hall, but there was a distinctly noticeable hush that fell quite suddenly in the far end of the Hall closest to the doors, only punctuated by whispering and murmuring. Draco felt his stomach give a tight lurch and before he could stop himself, he turned his head.

Ginny had just walked into the Great Hall, still wrapped in a travelling cloak, her face flushed all the way to the tips of her fiery red hair. Everyone who had been staring turned resolutely back to their plates, and the normal volume of the Hall returned at once, but Ginny, still blushing furiously, merely stood by the doors as though she wasn't quite sure where to go, until Hermione Granger leapt up and hurried over to her, squeezing her in a quick hug and leading her over to the Gryffindor table. Draco caught a look at Harlow's face, which had split into a huge grin, and at Decoulter's, who had detached herself from Longbottom's lips long enough to stare at Ginny in something like astonishment, before he turned back around so fast, he felt he had given himself whiplash.

Nott was staring at him. So was Blaise. Draco didn't need to see his reflection to know that his lips were white and his narrow grey eyes were frozen and unblinking as they appeared to take in the remainder of his barely-touched dinner.

"Hey, what's your - " Nott began, but he was interrupted by Blaise who, in a moment of inspiration, it seems, casually bumped over the jug of pumpkin juice from the table directly onto Nott's lap. As the latter jumped to his feet, cursing, and Blaise immediately feigned solemn regret, Draco took a moment to inhale and exhale several times in succession, because his chest was suddenly straining from the effort of keeping his palpitating heart within its confines.

Ginny.

He was dying to turn around, as though just to make sure, but his body was frozen in his seat. It was as though she had risen from the dead. He had become so accustomed to the idea that she was gone, gone forever, that to see her reappear like this was making him feel as though he had gone back in time. As though he was seeing Ginny like he had before all of this had started, before "love" had become a factor, and the only thing that he had to think about when he looked at her was how much he wanted the length of her body pressed against his...

Draco gritted his teeth so hard that his temples began to ache, and Blaise shot him a fleeting look - what he was trying to tell him, Draco had no idea, but he didn't really care in the least anyway.

The remainder of the meal passed at a rate that was almost torturously slow, with Blaise obliging Draco's unspoken request by filling the rather uncomfortable silence that had descended over their portion of the table with empty discussion of unimportant matters that nevertheless was enough to hold the attention of the others. Draco sat frozen in his chair until Dumbledore finally stood and dismissed them all for bed, and only when he had waved his friends on without him did Draco finally push back from the empty Slytherin table and traipse out of the nearly vacant Great Hall.

Somehow, Draco managed to wander through the diminishing crowd milling through the Entrance Hall and ended up emerging through the heavy front doors into the cool evening air on the grounds. He revelled in the silence, all the while flatly determined that he would not let his mind wander. He gritted his teeth in frustration, feeling his pores secrete perspiration on his forehead with the effort it took not to let her name cross his mind.

Ginny.

Time passed, and eventually a sixth year Ravenclaw Prefect poked his head out of the castle doors and approached him with an impressive amount of authority considering who he was reprimanding. Draco barely heard the admonitions as he sauntered back inside the castle, his hands deep in the pocket of his robes, and somehow on the way back to the Slytherin dungeons, where he fully intended to slip into his dormitory without speaking to anyone. However, his distracted mind had different plans. When he finally stopped walking and he looked up, he found himself in front of an all-too-familiar door.

He slid inside, shutting the door behind him and staring blankly around the vast empty chamber as the lamps lit themselves and threw it into dim flickering light. When his eyes landed on the neatly made bed, the centerpiece of the room, and he felt an unexpected lurch of something in the pit of his stomach that he sought to banish as soon as it spiralled up to clench an icy fist around his defiant heart. When he had left this room the last time, he had had no desire ever to be within its confines again. And yet, here he was, for reasons unbeknownst to himself.

...or were they?

Closure, a voice in his head hissed into his ear. That is the only thing you want. That is what you are entitled to. She changed the game, didn't she? She turned it into something you had never signed up for, far before anything else had come up.

Draco gritted his teeth so hard he felt the muscles in his face straining, but somehow, that small vindictive voice won over the one that was screaming in the very center of his overwrought mind.

It could have been only a moment later, but in reality it felt like a stretch of endless hours after Draco sank onto the spacious bed in the middle of the room and closed his eyes that he heard the all-too-familiar sound of the door of the Room of Requirement open with a low creak. He lay there completely motionless for several moments, his heart pounding the surprise his brain refused to register. He heard light footfalls on the carpeted floor, and gradually, slowly, he pulled himself into a sitting position.

She stood with her back against the now-closed door, her face cast in shadow. The last thing Draco wanted was to look at her, but he refused to avoid her gaze. He was not going to be the weak one.

There was a long silence, punctuated only by Ginny's ragged breathing as she grasped the handle of the door. Finally, she spoke.

"You still come here," she said. From her phrasing and her tone, it was not a question.

Draco's jaw stiffened at the sound of her voice and yet her answered with no hesitation. "You sound surprised," he intoned icily, the muscles in his face clenched. "As though I have some place else to go."

Her face was startled, but she recovered quickly, her forehead set with a deep, thin line. "Right," she said. There were a few more minutes of thick silence before Draco broke it, his voice quiet and his teeth gritted.

"You managed to make quite an entrance," he said, his tone low and scathing as he kept his eyes locked coolly on her half-lit silhouette. "I wasn't aware that was your style. I guess it just goes to show."

Even in the dim light, he saw her cheeks flush. "I wasn't trying to make an entrance," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I didn't think my - my leaving, that it would be such a big deal."

"Yeah, well." Draco slid off the bed, his broad shoulders hunched and his hands clenched in his trouser pockets. "I suppose when the queen leaves the kingdom, the subjects are bound to notice.

Ginny took a step out of the darkness, her white satin dressing gown reflecting the torchlight and her cinnamon eyes narrowed. "What is that supposed to -"

"Oh, don't even fucking start," Draco spat, his whole face contorted with scorn as he lurched forward as well. "You act as though the whole world is against you when all you have are people who are on your goddamn side. You think you have it rough, don't you, Gin? You think your pretending that what we were doing wasn't happening was the part you were playing, that that was the mask, so you could just go on pretending your poor, pitiful life is so broken -"

Ginny's eyes were shut and she was heaving quick shallow breaths. "Shut up."

Draco fell silent, but the look he gave Ginny was so full of disgust that she quailed under his gaze.

"I went home," she said in a stiff undertone, her jaw set as she stared vacantly at the floor under Draco's feet. "I needed..."

She trailed off. The expression in her eyes was so anguished that it might have made Draco's stone heart melt. Instead, he saw only manipulation there and his blood immediately began to boil.

"Did you?" he bit out, his eyes blackened with anger as he locked his piercing gaze on the eyes that avoided his own. "Did you tell Mummy and Daddy what the big bad Malfoy boy did to their precious little girl?"

Stunned hurt crossed Ginny's face. "No."

Draco gave a hollow snort that echoed dismally around the vast chamber. "You never cease to amaze me."

Ginny took a staggered step back as though his harsh tones were a physical blow. "I don't need this from you right now, Draco. I'm done."

Draco threw his head back and let out a shout of hollow, raucous laughter that caused Ginny to choke back a startled breath. "You're done?" he echoed her mockingly, his eyes pitiless. "Then why exactly did you come here tonight? Is this your idea of closure?"

She didn't respond. That alone was his victory.

"You had the nerve," he said taking another step towards her his face slipping back into cold stone, "to change my life with one statement and then take it all back without discussion. You had the fucking nerve to run away."

Ginny's body immediately stiffened. "Discussion?" she repeated, her voice tremulous. "You gave me an ultimatum, Draco. You acted like a child. What else could I do but run away?"

"I don't know," Draco snarled, his eyes flashing with fury that was almost palpable in the tension hanging between them. "You fight me on everything else, Ginny. But suddenly the easier thing was to disappear."

Ginny gave a short dry sob, her fingernails digging hard into the palm of her hands. "You wanted me to fight with you, Draco? What about what I wanted?"

Draco's expression was fixed. "Which was what?"

Ginny's eyes were overbright, her breathing ragged and uneven. "I wanted you to fight for me."

"Oh, please." The disgust in Draco's voice was like a knife twisted into Ginny's heart. "Not this bullshit again."

To her horror, Ginny felt tears spring to her eyes again. "How can you be so cold? I gave you everything, and what you wanted from me during the hardest moment of my life was for me to fight with the one person I thought would stand by me."

"You think fighting is what I wanted?" Draco said harshly, his stare disbelieving. "What I wanted was the relationship that I had signed up for. And last time I checked, I didn't sign up for a happily ever after."

Ginny stood motionless. When the first tear spilled from her eye and down her cheek, Draco tore his gaze away, his scowl deepening.

"And then you leave," he continued, his voice quiet and livid. "You disappear without a trace as though that's even an option. You decide to turn the tables on our arrangement and then you think you can run away as though you're the victim here."

"You think I wanted this?" Ginny cried, the tears chasing themselves down her cheeks as she held out her arms as though she was pleading with him. "Sixteen and pregnant and in love with someone who just wants to fuck me?"

"Why the fuck not?" Draco spat back, his stare fixing itself back onto hers. "You're the one who can't shut up about being in love."

"I hate you!" Ginny screamed, and Draco took a step back, his hard cold expression giving way briefly to alarm. Tears streamed down Ginny's face and she lurched forward and seized onto Draco's collar, hitting his chest and shoulders with all the strength she could find, her sobs coming out of control, and he stumbled back against the wall, the attack taking him aback. "I fucking hate you, Draco Malfoy! You did this to me. You were there when I needed something the most, and you gave it to me. You had no right to just be there when I needed someone. I didn't ask for you!"

Ginny raised her fist once more and he grabbed both of her wrists in his hands, holding them so tightly it hurt. "And I did?" he asked in a dangerous whisper, his chest heaving with fury as he struggled against her fighting. "You don't think that I wish it had been Alyssa fucking Paradis who came to the Room of Requirement night after night and made me want her? You don't think that if I had ANY choice, I would have ever been here with you?"

Ginny tore at his hold on her wrists, gasping through her tears, and he gripped her tighter, his teeth gritted. "I hate you," he hissed, the words razor-sharp as he dug his nails into her arm, advancing on her with such vehemence that she had to repress her shock at his expression. She had seen Draco angry, but never like this. She kept struggling harder even as his grip grew tighter. "I hate you more than I hate my father."

Ginny gasped, and he advanced on her closer, backing her up against the wall, his eyes burning. When she reached the cold stone she braced herself against it, shrinking away from Draco whose torso nonetheless crushed against her chest, making her heart pound.

"Because nobody," Draco continued, his voice sheathed in ice while his eyes still fixed upon hers, ablaze, "not even my father has put my fucking soul through hell like you have."

"Stop it," Ginny whispered, her cheeks streaked with salt. "Stop." But he ignored her, and every word he rasped in her ear seem to clench her heart harder in an iron tight fist.

"You think you're the only victim here?" he demanded of her in a low, dangerous voice that seemed to immobilize her. "You think you were the only one fighting an internal battle? You were the only goddamn thing in my life that didn't make sense, and for some fucking reason, you were the only thing that wouldn't go the hell away. I hate you for what you've done to me. So fuck you."

A whimper broke free from Ginny as his fingernails dug into her wrists, and for a moment it was as though they were in limbo, two bodies so close and unmoving it was as though they were carved from marble. There was a heartbeat, two, and then one swift movement, quiet as dawn, and his fierce mouth met hers.

It was as though Ginny was crumbling, and within moments her soul was gone, swept from her body as though divine might had split her in half while her spirit hovered, still in heartbroken tears, above the weary, tearstained body that was opening like a blossom with one touch. As soon as her lips found his, everything else seemed to flow like a waterfall, puzzle pieces falling together as he twined his hands in her long red hair and she melted into him, utterly helpless. Less than an instant, and she remembered what it was to be truly together.

And his breathing was hot on her skin as he tore at the buttons at the neck of her nightgown, and there was no hesitation as she slipped her hand down between them and began working the button of his trousers. He kissed her until she was dizzy, his mouth unyielding against her, and she felt it deepening with every inch of skin he uncovered. He moved his hands under the fabric and over her silky flesh and his lips traveled down to her ear, his teeth grazing against her skin and making her shiver. It took moments, mere moments for her nightgown to fall to the floor, and his hands traced her body like a blind man as she silently undressed him, one hand dug hard into his shoulders, making him arch his back with a hiss.

There was no more waiting, and Ginny felt her breath catch in her throat as he pulled her legs around his waist and moved his arms around her, one still tangled in her long mane of hair. He bit at her neck and chest as he pressed himself to her. With one sharp inhale, Ginny dragged her nails down his back and, his breathing ragged, Draco slipped inside her.

In all the months they had been together, Ginny had never felt the desperation pouring off Draco's overheated skin like she did now as he pounded her with a ferocity that made her shudder. She clutched at him as he pushed deeper and deeper inside her, clawing at his dampening skin and then she lost control again, and silent tears rolled down her cheeks as Draco drew his mouth back up her neck to her ear and muttered words she couldn't hear. He repeated them once, twice, but Ginny merely held him tighter, arching her body to meet him, moving deeper and deeper inside her, and it seemed to take only moments for the familiar cosmic sensation to expand from within her, enveloping her in an embrace that relented with a shuddering intensity that forced her to cry out in a voice hoarse from crying. She held on as he found his release, moving against him as he finished inside her, her nails still cutting into his skin, her hair knotted around his white knuckles. It was only when their eyes met, as Ginny searched in vain for some words to break the silence that he swept her off her feet once more and to the four poster bed in the middle of the room, setting her shivering naked body onto the bedspread and hovering over her, his eyes tight shut and his breathing uneven.

"Don't ever," he hissed, his jaw rigid and his entire body shaking, "leave like that again."

Ginny searched his face, willing his eyes to open so she could see the expression there, but instead she saw, barely visible in the dim glow of the candlelit chamber, the smallest shimmer on the tip of Draco's eyelash, and as she opened her mouth to speak, the one single tear fell from Draco's closed eye and landed, both salty and sweet, on Ginny's tongue.

"I need you," Draco said harshly in a tone that Ginny had never heard before, and it was as though the world was shimmering before her eyes, everything before her strange and untrue. "I don't fucking care if you're hurt. I don't fucking care how much you hurt me. I don't fucking care if you think I'm a monster just like everyone else, Ginny, because I know that there is nowhere else you belong."

"Draco," Ginny whispered, but her covered his mouth with hers, and despite the danger in his voice and the vicelike grip he held her in, the kiss was light as rain.

"I'm done with hiding," he hissed as he drew away, and he was looking at her now, his grey-blue eyes meeting her cinnamon ones without falter. "I'm done with this life if it means that I can't have you. You're the one thing in my life that I can't explain, but you're also the only thing that makes sense to me. I need you."

Ginny's eyes fell closed and there was silence, a long period of silence during which nobody spoke, and only their tangled bodies and unison heartbeats joined them.

"You need me?" Ginny asked quietly, her eyes still closed.

Draco drew her closer, his mouth against her ear, and his hot breath coursed a shudder through Ginny's body even before his silence was broken. "I love you," he breathed.

In the hours and days since Ginny left that she spent with her mind unwillingly fixed on Draco, nothing had convinced her that hearing only three words, only those three little words she had wanted for so long, would be enough to erase all the hurt he had put her through. But when he spoke, her eyes opened, and their faces were so close in the dim torchlight that she felt like she was looking past his eyes, inside him. And despite the anger she still had, the fresh pain of heartbreak that still pulsed inside her chest, all she saw was him. She saw that same anger, that same pain - that same hurt. The desperation, the pleading...he said nothing more as they stared at each other, but she could just hear his voice, clear as a bell in her ear as though permeating the silence through his eyes - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry," Ginny whispered, and Draco inhaled sharply through his teeth, his arms clenching tighter around Ginny as her tears fell anew. "I'm sorry too."

His eyes burned into her with the fire of all the things left unsaid, but Ginny didn't care. And when she threw her arms around his neck and he pressed his hand to her hair, guiding her head to the spot where it always fit just right, there were no more tears. His smooth marble flesh absorbed the saltwater streaking her face and his fierce grip on her was all she was aware of as she pressed closer to him, breathing him in - every word spoken, every tear shed since the beginning of the turmoil not forgotten, but meaningless. This was, Ginny thought as she buried her face in Draco's neck, the place she belonged...despite never being able to explain why.

Draco's hand slipped around to her front, caressing the spot below her navel, and Ginny squeezed her eyes shut, her breath catching in her throat as though her heart had just been snapped back together. He lifted his other hand to tilt her chin upwards and kissed her, the softest kiss he'd ever given.

"I'm not going anywhere," he muttered. "Do you hear me?

And as Ginny nodded, she felt the rush of images sweep over her, of what was to come past today, everything they had ahead for them. So few words had been exchanged between them in the past few moments of their reconciliation, and yet Ginny knew. This was it. This was forever. There was no diamond ring, no wedding invitations, no joyous celebrations of love - there was just this. Two teenagers, accidentally in love and harbouring a secret they had created. A creation that would make or break them...and the former had been chosen. When Ginny met Draco's gaze again, she knew she wasn't being naive. This was permanent. This was a baby, a relationship, a future. And though the greatest hurdle had not yet been jumped, the one that would bring them before their two worlds to declare the unthinkable of each other, lying here in Draco's arms wiped Ginny's mind of anything except the brilliant sunshine that illuminated the life that fate had chosen for them, the coincidence that had shaped everything they needed from this moment forward.

This was Ginny's last thought before she drifted off into dreaming, curled in the warmth that was Draco's arms.

The future would come whether they called it or not.

But tonight, tonight was only theirs.