Lucius Malfoy And The Magical Pimp Stick

Lucius Malfoy and the Magical Pimp Stick

It had been a normal morning so far for Lucius; he had yelled at Draco, made out with Narcissa, and written a love letter to the Dark Lord. He was now sitting at his desk in his study polishing his cane. No one knew why he had a cane; some assumed that his knees had given out after kissing too many butts of his superiors, others believed that he was simply delusional and believed it was still the early 1900s, but nobody , NOBODY had guessed the truth. It was not a cane, it was in reality a Magical Pimp Stick.

Lucius loved his pimp stick. He polished it, and he talked to it. He was once even found worshiping it in his study; he had been decked out in full pimp attire and had been calling his magical stick “Big Daddy”

When did the love affair between Lucius and his Magical Pimp Stick begin? It all started one sunny day six years ago in 1990. Lucius had been walking through Knockturn Alley when he saw an amazing sight. It was a shop, but not just any shop, it was “Snoop Dawg’s (a/n not to be confused with Snoop Dogg) House of Ho’s”. Lucius had been shocked, for in the window sat the most beautiful thing he had ever laid eyes on. It was a cane, no not a cane, canes were for old muggle lovers like Dumbledore, it was a stick of some sort, a Magical Pimp Stick. Of course he had bought it. I mean, who in their right mind wouldn’t have?

So, after that he of course went home to show it to his family. They would be amazed by his discovery. And his family surely was amazed, amazed at his insanity. He had decided that he would simply go to ask the lord of all that was cool, the Dark Lord. But then he realized that the Dark Lord was dead, so he decided to ask the next best thing….

…..Three hours later, Lucius sat in front of his lord, his mentor…the one and only Barney. But Barney had decided that he needed Lucius to do something for him first, he needed him to kill Jerry Springer. For, as the big purple dinosaur had said, “That asshole Jerry is stealing all of my best viewers.”

But Lucius had told Barney that he couldn’t, Jerry was his favorite, the one that he watched everyday while polishing his Magical Pimp Stick, and so Barney had refused to answer his question.

Lucius went home, a beaten man. Everyone hated him and his greasy hair…oh ahem…I mean his Pimp Stick. He sunk into his chair and called in his house elf.

“Yes sir, how can Dobby assist you sir?”

He had no other choices. “Elf! Not that you know anything, but what do you think of this Pimp Stick?”

Dobby’s huge eyes widened even more. “Ah sir, that is the most beautiful cane I have ever seen.”

Lucius had been outraged. A cane? How could he call his beautiful Pimp Stick a cane?!?

Sitting here now, Lucius decides to write the Dark Lord a note:

My Dear Voldie,

Enclosed is a picture of my Pimp Stick. I need someone to tell me what they think of it.

Devotedly yours,

Lucius (or Luscious Lucinda) Malfoy

His response came the next day.

Dear Lucinda,

Your pimp stick is wonderful. I wish mine was like it. I have just finished writing a letter to Jo about killing off that hunk of man-candy that is Sirius Black. I had been hoping that she might kill you off in the book, I had written many letter to her about it, but to no avail. No one likes poor Tommy.

Big Pimpin’,

Voldemort (Tomass Riddle)

Lucius was delighted, someone liked his Pimp Stick. Sure, that someone wished him dead, but what did he care.

~And so Lucius and his Magical Pimp Stick lived happily ever after~