The Complications of Falling in Love with your Best Friend

Chapter Five - Revelation, Humiliation

I'll describe the way I feel, weeping wounds that never heal.

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Finding the right time to tell Sirius was far harder than Remus had expected. Sirius always seemed to be occupied with something: Quidditch, planning pranks, not doing homework... He always seemed to have some sort of entourage wherever he was, whether it was James and Peter and Lily keeping him company, or a gaggle of Griffindors listening avidly to his latest tale recounting a near-death experience from a late-night prank. When it was the latter surrounding Sirius, Remus always found himself incredibly jealous. Many girls would stare and giggle as Sirius spoke, completely taken in by his charisma and his effective crowd-pleasing abilities. When these girls eyed Sirius with ill-concealed interest Remus felt a strong wolf instinct rise in him; a possessiveness that on several occasions almost caused him to growl in anger. His one consoling thought however, was that Sirius never responded to any of the girls' advances, nor showed any interest in them whatsoever, much to their displeasure and Remus' comfort.

Late one Saturday evening, Remus sat on his bed doodling absentmindedly on a small worn sketchpad Lily had given him the previous Christmas. He was always sketching and Lily had found a way to encourage this hobby even more. Remus always found that pictures represented more to him than words. He loved reading and immersing himself in the thoughts of others, but when it came to his own thoughts he could never decipher and transfer them into definable sentences. In his mind, his emotions were a whirl of shapes and colours and textures. Whatever he was feeling, he let those thoughts seep through onto the paper in abstract shapes or more definite forms. None of the others could understand what the blurs of shape and colour or the sketches of people and objects meant to Remus, but they watched in quiet admiration as he continued. On this day, Remus found himself repeatedly drawing dark, jagged forms - a sure sign that he was nervous or angry - mingled with the more recognisable traits of a face. Without realising it, Remus had been staring at Sirius for the past ten minutes and absently begun to draw. He had spent so long just looking at Sirius that he instantly recognised every feature he had drawn: the curve of his jaw, the tilt of his eyebrow, the texture of his skin and the softness of his lips.

Sirius looked up suddenly and directly into Remus' eyes, as if aware that his friend had been thinking of him. Blushing slightly, Remus looked down and began tracing dark lines on his sketchpad with renewed vigour. He always seemed to stare at Sirius a moment too long, and never seemed to be able to tear his gaze away from him in time. Sneaking a glance over at Sirius, Remus saw that he was still looking at him. Sirius casually indicated the door with a nod of his head and slowly stood up, all the while giving Remus meaningful looks that were half-wondering, half-answering. He breezed from the room leaving a bewildered Remus to give a hasty excuse to James and Peter and follow him out.

As Remus came into the common room he caught sight of Sirius, leaning on the windowsill gazing thoughtfully at the sky. When Sirius heard his footsteps he turned slightly to face him, his arms folded across his chest. He seemed calm and casual, but the defensive cross his arms were forming in front of him gave his real emotions away. When Sirius was nervous or unsure of himself he would place himself in an aggressive position that avoided betraying any of his vulnerability. Remus, however, knew Sirius too well to be fooled. Though he looked perfectly composed, Remus knew Sirius was uncertain.

"Do you want to talk about something?" Remus asked, breaking the silence.

"I don't know," Sirius answered airily, turning back to the window. "Is there something you want to talk about?"

Remus suddenly felt his insides begin to writhe unpleasantly. He knows.

Sirius just fixed him with a penetrating stare. "I'll make it easier for you," he said abruptly. Remus almost flinched at his harsh tone. "You stare at me all the time. Every bloody day whenever I'm with you, you keep looking at me. Don't think I haven't noticed. Even if you look away quickly I always catch you staring."

Remus' mouth was incredibly dry and his brain seemed to have numbed.

Sirius continued. "Do you want to tell me why? Because it would explain a whole lot of things."

Perhaps he was imagining it, but Remus felt he could discern something almost accusatory in Sirius' tone. Something verging on resentment. Closing his eyes briefly, there was an agonising pause as Remus silently wished he were very, very far away. This is it.

"I... like you."

The words echoed clumsily in his head and he felt horribly embarrassed. Looking almost warily at Sirius, Remus found that Sirius was showing no outward signs of being remotely affected by his words. There was no surprise, confusion, nor, thankfully, revulsion. But there were no positive reactions written on his face either. Perhaps he hadn't quite understood.

"I like you," he repeated. "In a... different way than as a friend." Sirius still said nothing, but he seemed to be fighting some sort of internal battle. His face was no longer expressionless, but rather pained. Feeling vaguely horrified at the cataclysmic declaration he had just made, Remus spoke up nervously. "You know, now would be a great time to say something."

"Tell me," Sirius said in a strained voice that seemed to be suppressing something Remus couldn't quite place. "Tell me how you feel." Emotions were flitting across his illuminated face, brief but blinding, like the dusty rays of moonlight currently striking his features.

Remus blinked, slightly taken aback. He hadn't known how Sirius would react to his confession, but of all possible reactions he hadn't expected this. This was bizarre. It was an inexplicable mix of indiscernible emotions. Remus just didn't know what to think, and he certainly didn't know what Sirius thought.

"Well," he began, feeling a slight irrational irritation that Sirius wasn't more shocked or outwardly affected by his previous words. "I feel... I just feel... oh fuck it, Sirius, I don't know!" Remus exploded. He felt too much to put into words. "I just know that I want you and I need you and I wish you were just mine because everything's changed now. You're not just one of my best friends, you're so much more. You're like the missing part of me. You complete me and it hurts so badly that the only way I can have you is to share you, when I just want you for my own. When I wake up you're the first thing I think about, and you're the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. And it scares me because I've never felt this way about anyone before and I probably shouldn't feel this way about you but I can't stop it. I think about you all the time. Even if it's to wonder what you're doing, where you are, what schemes you're planning to get out of doing homework... and then when you realise you have to do your homework anyway I always lend you my notes just so I can see your smile, and it's a smile only for me. I've memorised every part of your face. I could draw it with my eyes closed. And every time I hurt you're always there to make me better, to make me laugh. You're... you're all I ever wanted."

His voice trembled slightly as he finished speaking, but before the rational part of his mind could take over Remus did something rather impulsive and unlike him. Maybe it was the raw emotion still coursing through him that caused him to quite suddenly step forward and grab the front of Sirius' shirt. For a split second Remus realised he actually had no idea what he was going to do, but he ignored this fact and firmly brought his lips to Sirius'.

If Remus had been thinking more clearly, or been more observant, he would have realised that Sirius showed no shock in being quite suddenly kissed by his best friend, and that he willingly let himself be pulled into Remus' embrace, a mixture of slight surprise and blissful confusion on his face. Remus, however, was too emotional to notice this. He lifted his hand to place it on Sirius' shoulder. Sirius did the same, but for a different purpose. He pushed Remus away.

Somewhat startled, Remus stepped back as the realisation at what had just happened sunk into his clouded mind. Sirius was breathing heavily, his eyes dark and unreadable. He brought the back of his hand up towards his mouth, and slowly wiped his slightly reddened lips. Remus stopped himself when he realised he was staring.

"That... that was a mistake," Remus found himself saying lamely, trying to cool his flushed cheeks. He felt disappointed and humiliated. Sirius had pushed him away.

"A mistake," Sirius repeated blankly.

"Oh God, a fucking huge, huge, mistake," Remus groaned burying his face in his hands. He felt mortified. He'd just poured out his most intimate feelings to the person he fancied, who happened to be his best friend, who also happened to be a guy, and who also had shown absolutely no sign of returning his feelings. Then, to top it all, Remus had kissed him without thinking of the possibly disastrous consequences this one small act could have. What have I done?

Without even looking back at Sirius, Remus turned and ran up the stairs, two at a time. He hoped, as he entered the dormitory, that Sirius would have some respect for his embarrassment and would give him time to get into bed and pretend to sleep before coming upstairs himself. Shutting his bed hangings, Remus curled up under his covers. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried to steady his breathing. He told himself over and over again that there was no point in being disappointed, because he'd never hoped for too much in the first place. He should have known that it was far too unlikely for Sirius to return his feelings. Sirius' reaction was perfectly understandable. Rolling over to face the wall, Remus heard footsteps.

"Moony?" a voice whispered

Sirius. He had pulled open the hangings slightly - Remus could tell by the thin stream of light and Sirius' shadow projected on the wall. Remus stayed absolutely still, closing his eyes and trying to breathe at what he hoped was a sleeping sort of pace.

"Remus I know you're awake," Sirius was saying somewhat impatiently, "but I'm not going to make you talk to me now. Just promise me you'll talk to me tomorrow."

With that, Sirius shut the hangings, obscuring the last ray of moonlight.