The Complications of Falling in Love with your Best Friend

Chapter one - A Conversation

Words don't express my meaning.

~ ~ ~

It's a widely known fact that males, particularly adolescent males, do not like to discuss their feelings, show emotion or deal with it. When confronted with a crying girl: they shift around uncomfortably. When forced to face an event of some slight tragic significance: they pat each other awkwardly on the back with just enough feeling to seem sympathetic. When love is thrust upon them: they laugh uneasily at it but secretly wish for it. To discuss it is forbidden. Remus Lupin was blessed, or cursed, with three adolescent males as friends. One was uncomfortable with any emotion that transcended basic happiness or went beyond worrying about a Potions essay, the other was loud, boisterous, arrogant and though he was a loyal friend, the nature of Remus' dilemma was so complex it was out of the question to discuss it with him. The third friend happened to be the object of Remus' affections. He was loud, he was boisterous, and he was arrogant, just like his best friend. He waged a constant war against the Slytherins and planned a new prank every day. He was incredibly smart and eloquent, though this was diminished somewhat by his raucous attitude. He was downright beautiful. His dark blue eyes were constantly alight with youthful mischief, yet at times it barely concealed a warm maturity, shining through his smoky grey eyelashes. Because Remus even noticed his eyelashes. For Remus, Sirius was perfect and wonderful and all he ever wanted. But he could never tell him any of this unless he sorted out how to do so.

If he couldn't talk to his friends he would talk to the only other person he could trust, and would not be afraid to show emotion.

***

"Lily?"

"Mh-hm?"

"... Nothing."

"Right..."

"...Lily?"

"What is it?"

"Nothing."

Lily snapped her book shut with a touch of impatience, yet a shadow of concern danced behind her shining green eyes. Remus Lupin was arguably not one of great eloquence, but he never let his emotions override his ability to remain calm in all situations. Yet here he was, agitated and at a loss for words.

"Remus," said Lily slowly, looking into his eyes, "what's wrong?"

Remus took a deep breath. "It's just a thought... it doesn't really matter... it's more of a theory... say... theoretically speaking of course... you'd seen someone that you'd known for a... well a substantial amount of time... you'd seen them in a different way..."

Lily put her hands up to calm him. "Slow down, Remus. Try explaining yourself a little more clearly... what exactly do you mean?"

Remus hesitated, then ploughed on. "I don't know what to do..." he said, his face screwed up in confusion. "There's someone I like... and I don't know how to tell... this person... that I like them." He gave Lily a look she deemed to be meaningful. She sighed and put her hand gently on his shoulder.

"Remus, you're a great guy, really. I think you're wonderful, very clever and a loyal friend..." she trailed off, looking warily at him.

"Eh?" said Remus.

Lily sighed again and put on a comforting smile. "I really like you Remus, but I'm with James, you see."

It took Remus several seconds to clearly process the words he had just heard. Then it clicked. "What?" he exclaimed. "You think... you think..." Remus began to laugh.

Lily frowned and crossed her arms, leaning back in her chair. "What's so funny?" she said huffily.

Remus' smile faltered slightly. He'd have to tell Lily in plainer words, then.

"It's not you I like Lily. Don't get me wrong, you're great and all, but you're... well... you're really not my type."

Lily looked a bit put out. "Well if it's not me," she said, regaining her composure, "then who is it?"

Remus suddenly became incredibly fascinated by a smudge on the wall behind Lily.

"Remus?"

Remus bit his lip nervously, still avoiding Lily's eyes. He thought he'd wanted to tell Lily, but now that it came to the fatalistic moment, he really didn't want to.

She sighed. "Ok then, you don't want to say. It's someone you've known for a 'substantial amount of time' and now you've seen her in a different light?" Lily paused thoughtfully. "Wait... it's not Nat or Joss is it?" she asked. Nathalie and Jocelyn were two of Lily's friends.

Remus shook his head slowly.

Lily looked thoughtful again. "Well, who else have you known for a while? Apart from James and Peter and Sirius of course..."

Remus felt a heated blush creeping up on his cheeks.

"Hang on," Lily said frowning, "you never mentioned a 'her' did you?"

Remus didn't answer. He was too busy hiding his face in his hands and mentally clawing his brain out.

"Oh."

The soft, almost inaudible but very conclusive exclamation that came from Lily's lips confirmed to Remus with crushing realism that the careful barriers he had set up to shield his secret had been destroyed in an instant. He didn't know whether he felt distressed or relieved. He chanced a look up at Lily through his fingers.

"What are you so afraid of?" she asked him softly.

"Afraid?"

"Well look at you. You're almost shaking. I'm not going to laugh, Remus. I wouldn't do that. You know I'm your friend."

"I know, but..."

"But what?"

Remus made a face. "Lily, I just revealed to you that I'm in love with someone. That's a difficult thing to do. This person is also my best friend. That complicates things. This person is also a guy. And that makes me afraid."

"Will you tell him, Remus?"

Remus didn't answer.

"Remus? Will you tell Sirius?"

Remus shivered involuntarily. So far, since Lily's realisation, Sirius' name had not been spoken aloud. To hear Lily say it made the situation all the more real, and made Remus all the more afraid. He was also a touch embarrassed at having revealed such private thoughts that he never expected to tell anyone, ever. The situation seemed slightly surreal and for a moment Remus forgot himself, before Lily's voice brought him back to earth.

"Remus! What's wrong?"

"I don't know, Lily. I... I need to think some more." He paused. "I want to tell him, really I do... but it would hurt so much to have him reject me, which he inevitably would," he added sadly.

"And if he didn't?"

Remus looked at her sceptically. "In the incredibly unlikely instance that Sirius didn't reject me, there's still the problem of what people would think... or say."

"Because of the nature of your relationship?"

"The nature of our possible relationship," Remus intervened. "It's nothing more than friendship right now."

"But if it were something more..."

Remus looked at Lily carefully, but her expression was unreadable. He considered her question.

"To be with him... would be worth any trouble it took to get there. But somehow I don't think people would just say, 'okay, so you're a gay werewolf in love with your best friend... fair enough.'"

Sighing, Lily tried to choose her words carefully. "Are you so sure... that you're... well you know... orientated that way?"

Remus stared at Lily blankly. "You mean that what I've been saying is in fact a load of rubbish and I'm just imagining everything?"

"No... I mean that this may be a sort of phase. I think most teenagers go through a phase of trying to establish themselves in life, and that includes establishing their sexuality. A lot of people go through a period of... experimentation... to see where their preference lies. Plus, you know how complicated being a teenager is. Everything is ten times more confusing and difficult and frightening. This could very well just be a passing thing."

"So you think it could just be a mistake?"

"Not a mistake as such. It's just... this may not be the way for you to go at all. You're just an ordinary teenager with confusing feelings you don't understand."

Remus sat, staring blankly at the fraying edge of the cushion he was gripping so hard all the blood had left his fingers. How could he not understand his feelings? Yes they were complicated and frightening but they were so real. And all he wanted to be was with the very person who fuelled these emotions. He had to find out if there might be something. Something more than friendship. But he had to choose. To finally have what his heart ached for but risk the bitter sting of rejection and humiliation, or to ignore what every fibre of him was screaming for and drown in blissful confusion.