In Real Life

Snape paced across the floor of Dumbledore's office. His face was set in a deep scowl that was half fury, half disgust. He stopped in his pacing a minute to slam his fist down on Dumbledore's desk.

"I demand we do something!" he thundered, his expression black. "I've been getting owls from the concerned families of students. They all seem to think 'where there's smoke, there's fire'. This is wreaking havoc on my relations with my students."

Dumbledore looked up from the printed copy of a fanfic he was reading. This one was an especially graphic one, involving an inappropriate infatuation between Snape and Cho Chang. "Well Severus, I really don't see what we can do. The Muggles are fascinated with our world, even though they believe it to be purely fictional."

Snape groaned and started to pace again. "Why did the Ministry have to hire that Muggle woman? Why did our lives have to be made public!?"

"You know why," said Dumbledore gravely, leaning forward. "The Muggle population is as much at risk from Voldemort's attacks as we are. Even if they don't believe Rowling, which was our intention, the idea has been rooted in their subconscious. This way, if our world is ever exposed, as it is dangerously close to being at any moment, they will be able to help is fight."

"Or at least not get in the way," muttered Snape darkly. "I still do not see how this gives them the right to pervert this school."

"I agree." Dumbledore rose and put a hand on Snape's shoulder. "Do not worry Severus. Perhaps a formal letter to the parents of the students attending Hogwarts will set their minds at ease."

Snape thought for a moment, then nodded. "Maybe. But we must do it before these-" he waved a hand at the stack of fanfics on Dumbeldore's desk, "- get any more out of hand."

Dumbledore watched as Snape stalked out of his office, his black cloak billowing dramatically behind him. The door closed with a heavy click behind him, just barely missing catching the end of Snape's cloak.

"I daresay that would've interrupted Severus's dramatic exit a bit," said Dumbledore with a smile, petting Fawkes, who had just alighted on his shoulder. "He always did have a taste for drama."

Sighing, Dumbledore walked back to his desk and sat down. "At least there is no such fiction about me," he said to the phoenix. Fawkes gave a squak of agreement and flew back to his perch. Like any normal bird, Fawkes was terribly fond of his feathers and applied himself with a passion to preening and cleaning his gorgeous plumage.

Dumbledore finished the Snape/Cho fic he'd been reading and moved on the next one. His supplier was Hermione Granger, whom he'd asked to keep him updated on the goings-on of the fanfictional world. Dumbledore was in the middle of unwrapping a Tootsie Roll when he read the title of the next fic.

"'Albus and Minerva's Secret'," he read, dropping the Tootsie Roll in surprise.

Within the next five minutes, Dumbledore read what would be one of the most disturbing things he'd ever have to see in his life. Dumbledore cleared him suddenly dry throat and turned to Fawkes, who was looking at him curiously. "Apparently, Professor McGonogall and I are having an affair." He glanced back at the fic and swallowed. "And I am her long-lost uncle."

Fawkes gave an indignant squak and burst into flames. It wasn't his time of the month but whenever the bird was severely upset, he could mimic the process quite well.

With a serious expression, Dumbledore sat down and wrote the letter that would be sent to all Hogwarts parents. After, he fireballed the offending fic concerning himself and the head of Gryffindor house.