Dark Wood

Dumbledore shuffled some sheaves of parchment. "Next applicant, please."

A tall, lanky fellow entered the room and stood twisting his hands a bit awkwardly. "Just take that chair, if you please." His robes were quite ragged.

"Mr... Rincewind, is it?"

"Erm, yes."

"All right, Mr Rincewind, what are your qualifications for the position? What makes you think you'd be a good candidate to teach Defence Against the Dark Arts?" Dumbledore said kindly.

Rincewind looked down at the table, and scratched a nail against one of the furrows in it.

"Well... I've nearly died loads of times."

Silence.

"Nearly, being the key bit. I got away."

"I see." Dumbledore waited. Rincewind stared back. His eyes were rather watery. Dumbledore waited some more.

"Well then. What can you tell me about your magical education?"

"I'm a wizzard," Rincewind said with a touch of pride, pointing at his hat. And indeed, if the hat was to be believed, he was. "Went to Unseen University."

"Excuse me, did you say wizzard? With two z's?"

"Yes," said Rincewind sullenly.

Dumbledore cleared his throat and glanced over the parchments again.

"Any other qualifications you wish to mention?"

"I can scream for help in 23 languages. And I can scream in 32. Oh, and I had one of the Great Spells in my head for a while, and I've been to the Dungeon Dimensions. And fallen off the edge of the world. And loads of other things. And not died."

There was the pitter-patter of little feet.

Dumbledore slowly raised his eyes.

"What... in heaven's name... is that?"

"Oh, that? That's the Luggage. Do be careful. Please." Rincewind looked a bit nervous.

"Nothing to worry about, Mr Rincewind, I'm sure the house-elves won't damage anything."

"Er, no, that's not what I meant."

"That's a very curious... bit of baggage. May I examine it?"

"I'd really rather you didn't," said Rincewind hurriedly. "It's erm... not very friendly."

Nevertheless, Dumbledore stood, and beckoned to the Luggage. The Luggage shifted from side to side, as if looking around with trepidation. Then, to Rincewind's surprise, it shuffled forward. Dumbledore reached down and stroked its lid. The Luggage creaked its lid open slightly, like a dog lolling its tongue. Rincewind tensed and turned away, and concentrated very hard on the view out the window.

There was a snap, and a yell.

* * * * * * * * * * *

"Fellow Hogwarts faculty and staff, it is my pleasure to present the new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher, Mr Rincewind." Dumbledore waved a hand in Rincewind's direction. They all clapped hesitantly.

After the meeting was adjourned, a few of the professors lingered behind in Dumbledore's office. There was a brief pause, like a group inhalation, and then a flood:

"I really don't understand your decision, Albus," said Snape, glaring. "I've looked into the man's background and he has no experience with--"

"I predict that lots of horrible, horrible things will befall that man!" quavered Trelawney, interrupting. "He is ill-fated under the sta--"

"And he misspelled 'wizard', for the love of Merlin!" Snape interrupted back, looking daggers at her. "No man who is incapable of even spelling--"

"'E looks like 'e's ready to run at the word 'Boo'!" boomed Hagrid in hairy indignation. "I can' hardly imagine 'im standin' up to a troll, or a vampire, or even a boggart!"

"And what in God's name was that thing behind him?" said MacGonagall shrilly, her shoulders tense. They turned as one to Dumbledore.

Dumbledore held up a hand for silence. A hand with a bandage on it.

"Colleagues," he said soothingly. "Despite your reservations, and initially, I must admit, my own...Any wizard who could keep that thing around, without injury, has my vote of confidence."