Of Plotholes and Idiotic Latin Phrases

Mina locked the door to the compartment she and Maura had managed to slip into just before being spotted by Potter & Company, only to find that it was occupied by a weary-looking wizard in shabby robes, who was fast asleep on one of the seats.

The two sat down quietly, but Maura's inner-demon got the better of her and she screamed in the man's ear.

"Ah!" said the man, bolting up immediately. Maura put on a connivingly convincing innocent look.

"Are you all right?" asked Mina curiously.

"Did someone just scream in my ear?" he asked, looking around cautiously.

"No," said Maura flatly.

"Oh," he said. "I guess I'm fine, then, with the acception of gradual loss of sanity."

"Nothing wrong with that," commented Mina dryly. "I'm Mina Carstairs."

"Remus Lupin," he said. "I'm the returning defense against the dark arts teacher. I was here during your third year, probably. Why don't I remember you?"

"We started last year," explained Maura. "We're actually Voldemort's twin daughters who were separated at birth."

"Oh?" said Remus, interested.

Mina nodded.

Maura held out her left hand, showing off an emerald and diamond ring. "I'm engaged to Professor Snape." She paused. "Oh! I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that!"

"I think the ring might arouse suspicion," came a voice from the doorway.

"Katharina?" said Mina incredulously.

"Nope, guess again."

"Um," Mina said. "Merlin?"

"No!" said the figure, pulling his hood off, revealing a mass of blonde hair. "Draco Malfoy le Magnifique, or have you forgotten me?"

Mina looked at Professor Lupin admirably before snapping out of her reverie and looking at Malfoy. "Sorry, who are you again?"

Draco pouted, and then whispered to Lupin behind his hand (although the act was pointless. He might be devastatingly charming, but Draco Malfoy has immense trouble with shutting up), "She used to have an infatuation with me. You watch yourself. If you touch her I'll--"

"Draco!" said Mina scathingly.

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

"Yes, Ma'am." He shot Lupin a death glare before turning and walking gracefully out of the compartment. Unfortunately for him, his trousers fell down and ruined the effect.

"So," said Mina to Lupin, "are you smart?"

"I like to think so," he said thoughtfully. He paused dramatically, as if deep in thought. "Did you know that waffle backwards is elffaw?"

"No!" said Mina, amazed. "You are so terribly clever!"

Maura gagged. She spent the rest of the train ride examining her engagement ring.

-

When they reached the school, Maura very willingly let Remus and Mina get their own carriage, as she certainly didn't want to see her new professor and her sister - eew!

Snape had come outside, and she found a carriage with him.

-

The next day at dinner, Mina delighted in chattering to Maura about random matters having to do with Remus. "Oh, and Remus said the most adorable thing during class..." and "Oh, I'm sure Remus knows all about that. I'll have to make sure I ask him."

While Mina was in the middle of a story about her teacher, Draco Malfoy stood up and screamed at her. "Mina, no one cares about your fucking boyfriend! Sit your ass down and shut your face!"

Remus, at the high table, coughed something that sounded remarkably like "JEALOUS!"

The Slytherins sniggered at Malfoy's outburst, and the boy blushed and left the great hall, muttering under his breath and shooting evil looks at the defense against the dark arts professor.

"Anyway," said Mina, as if Draco hadn't been there, "have you seen his hair?"

-

"Mina," said Maura, when they were in the Slytherin common room, "you know how Potter and his lackeys killed our parents with plotholes?"

Mina looked up from her book. "Yeah..."

"So," said Maura, "if they could be killed by plotholes-"

"They could come back through plotholes!"

POOF!

Voldemort looked at Bellatrix curiously. "Aren't we dead?"

"I may be dead, but at least I'm still pretty," said Bella sarcastically.

"Indeed," Voldemort said. "Oh look, it's my daughters!"

"Our daughters," said Bellatrix, annoyed.

"Yeah, well I'll be using 'my' as shorthand for 'our'," said Voldemort.

"Well, it's nice to know you can still use your butt," said Bella thoughtfully. "And, by the way, I'll be using 'butt' as shorthand for your 'head'."

Voldemort glared at his wife. (Are they actually married? I've never actually specified. Voldie doesn't seem the type to get married; but then again, he doesn't seem like the type to knock up a loyal servant so he can have heirs. Oh, wait - yes he does... Evil git...) "Come to think of it," he said, "they don't really look much like me. Hey... were you cheating on me?"

"I... plead the fifth."

"You're not allowed to plead the fifth. We're in England, remember?" Voldemort crossed his arms expectantly.

"I... sod off, will you?!"

"No," said Voldemort, sticking his nose in the air like a stubborn child.

Mina cleared her throat. "The author thinks that you bicker like you are married," she announced. "So, whether you like it or not, I now pronounce you husband and wife."

"Damnit, Bella, this is all your fault!"

"It is not! If you would just be polite and agreeable then we would be happy!"

"Mom," said Maura, "Dad, I really don't mean to be impolite but do you inderstand the term SHUT THE FUCK UP!?"

Bella sniffed. "Oh, Voldie! I'm so proud of her!"

"Me too," said Voldemort, patting Maura on the head with a disfigured hand. "Now, about the being dead thing?" Voldemort turned to Mina.

Mina thought for a moment. "Um... plothole?"

"What about me?" asked Bellatrix.

"Er... two plotholes?"

"Oh, okay."

"Wait!" said Voldie. "I have a cunning plan!"

Bella scoffed. "Does your head hurt now?"

Voldemort sat down. "Yes," he admitted. "Mina, do you have any aspirin?"

"Of course I do," replied Mina, digging in her pocket and fishing out a bottle of Advil. "I share a room with Maura, Pansy, and Blaise."

"Wait," said Bella, "isn't Blaise a boy in this story?"

"He told Dumbledore he was gay," Maura explained, and Bella nodded in understanding.

"Plus Draco," continued Mina, "while he may be attractive, can't stop talking to say his life. In short, I get a lot of headaches."

"I sympathize," said Voldie, gesturing to Bellatrix.

"Hey!" moaned Bella.

"I remember my idea now!" said Voldemort suddenly. "We can take over Hogwarts!"

"That's a stupid idea," said Bellatrix boredly.

"Well, what do you know?"

"Everything."

Voldie frowned. "Oh, sure, and I suppose you have a better idea?"

"Naturally," said Bella. "We can take over the world!"

Voldemort beamed. "That's why I married you, snookums."

Maura and Mina gagged. Snookums?

"Maura, dear, I understand you're engaged to one of my lovely servants. Go get him to help us."

Maura left to find Severus with Mina following.

-

"We should find Remus, as well," suggested Mina.

Wordlessly, they walked to the third floor corridor and Mina muttered the password to Remus's quarters ("How do you know the password?" asked Maura curiously.)

Mina held a finger to her lips for silence as they heard Remus's voice from inside. They slid into the room silently.

Professor Lupin was sitting across from an empty chair. "So, Miss Carstairs," he told the chair nervously. "I'm rather interested in you and I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out for coffee or something this weekend perhaps? I know we come from very different backgrounds -" he rehearsed.

"Boy," said Mina, sounding as American as possible to spite him, "I guess we never realized how much you loved that chair."

"MINA!" Remus said, flushing with embarassment.

"Hey!" said Maura, sounding hurt. "I'm here too!"

"Yes, of course," said Remus. "Good evening, Miss Faucon."

"Voldemort," corrected Maura. "It sounds much cooler, and I might as well use it while I have the chance. I'll be Maura Snape soon."

"Indeed," said a silky voice from the doorway.

"Sevvie!" cried Maura happily, running to him and jumping into his arms. He winced in pain and set her down as gently as possible.

"It appears we have a problem," said the potions professor wisely.

"What's wrong, sweet cheeks?" asked Maura flirtatiously.

"Your parents are taking over the school," said Snape flatly.

"All right," said Mina, "for legal reasons, I would like to put in that we did nothing necromancial to bring them back."

"I wasn't accusing you of anything," said Snape, now curious.

"Of course you weren't," said Maura in a baby voice, hanging on his arm. She turned to her sister. "Mina, how could you say such a thing?"

"Oh, fuck all!" shouted Mina. She turned to Lupin. "Remie, could you say something smart? It always makes me feel better."

"Er..." Remus scratched his head. "Did you know Mina backwards is... evil?"

"It is?" gasped Mina in wonder. "How truly fitting! Oh, Remus, you always seem to make me feel better."

"That's just the kind of guy I am, milady."

Mina beamed.

Suddenly, the ceiling crashed through, revealing Bellatrix and Voldemort.

"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam!" said Voldemort.

Mina faltered. "Er...Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est."

"Stop speaking Latin!" yelled Maura, holding her head.

"Illiud Latine dici non potest," teased Voldie.

Harry Potter and his moronic friends appeared just in time, because that always seems to happen in the books and we wouldn't want to contradict Jo's ingenius placement of convenience, now would we? Voldemort grabbed Bella, and put her in front of him. "Prehende uxorem meam, sis!"

Harry scratched his head. "You two are married?"

"Vacca foeda," said Bella to her husband.

"Why am I the only person who can't speak Latin???" yelled Maura, very confused indeed. "Just kill them, you idiotic cretin!" she shouted at Harry. "Please, just make it stop!"

Due to a conveniently placed plothole, Voldie and Bella turned to dust.

"Damnit!" said Maura and Mina in unison. "Not again!"

-

Translations:

Hehe... sorry, I went a little Latin-crazy on this one. If it's any condolence, I had the flu when I wrote this and was listening to the star wars soundtrack over and over again. I was also under the influence of a rather large sum of chocolate. Strange things can happen to a person under the influence of such things.

"Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam" - I have a catapult. Give me all the money or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

"Er...Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est" - Er... Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

"Illiud Latine dici non potest" - You can't say that in Latin.

"Prehende uxorem meam, sis" - Please, take my wife!

"Vacca Foeda" - Stupid Cow.