EBT Presents: The Not-So-Surprising Midlife Crisis of Ronald Bilius Weasley

Epicly Bad Tales Presents: The Not-So-Surprising Midlife Crisis of Ronald Bilius Weasley, Esquire

Act One, Scene One: The Weasley family attacks

Hermione: Ronald! Didn't I ask you to wash the dishes?

Ron: *whines* Aw, do I have to?

Hermione: Yes, you do! I asked you at least three times already!

Ron: *grumbles* Never knew married life would be this tough.

Hermione: I heard that!

Ron: I love you, dear!

Hermione: You still have to wash the dishes.

Ron: Dangit.

Mass of Weasley Children: *run into the room and jump on Ron*

Ron: ARGH! *falls over*

Hermione: Dishes!

Ron: Can't... breathe... *gasps*

Children: Daddy! Daddy!

Ron: ARGH!

Hermione: Alright, kids, that's enough. Let your father breathe so he can wash the dishes.

Ron: *moans pathetically* I'm getting to old for this.

Hermione: I know, dear.

Ron: Did we have to have this many kids?

Hermione: There are only eight of them, Ronald.

Ron: EIGHT?!?!? I thought there were SEVEN! *faints*

Hermione: *throws water on Ron*

Ron: How did we get eight kids?

Hermione: Honestly, Ron! Do I really need to explain that to you?

Ron: Eight. Eight! Eight?

Hermione: For the love of Merlin, Ron! The youngest is already ten years old! How did you miss that?

Ron: They all look the same!

Hermione: No they don't! They all have distinct personalities!

Ron: No, no, no! I swear that there are at least two of them that look identical!

Hermione: *smacks Ron on the head* We only have one set of twins, and one's a girl and one's a boy! It's not that hard!

Ron: But they all have weird names that I can't remember!

Hermione: Oh, stop being such a baby! You could remember their names if you just tried!

Ron: Fine. Let's see. There's Roar...

Hermione: Rire.

Ron: Oh. Right. Er... Gumby...

Hermione: Guia.

Ron: Whatever. Starfish...

Hermione: Stella.

Ron: Close enough. Er... Lesion?

Hermione: *rolls her eyes* Leser.

Ron: Oh yeah, I forgot about him.

Hermione: Her.

Ron: Dangit. Don't we have any normal kids?

Hermione: They're all normal, Ronald.

Ron: Says you.

Cory: Says me.

Seren: And me.

Ron: Sheesh.

Scene Two: Hermione gets a vacuum and Ron gets smacked - a lot

Ron: *meanders about*

Hermione: Did you wash the dishes yet?

Ron: Of course I did!

Hermione: I'm shocked.

Ron: You shouldn't be. I always do what you ask me to do.

Hermione: *falls over laughing*

Ron: *sulks* I'm so underappreciated.

Hermione: I didn't even think you knew that word.

Ron: I've been reading Harry's dictionary.

Seren: I'm so proud!

Cory: I knew it would pay off someday.

Ron: Who are you again?

Seren: We're your next door neighbors. Drop by anytime.

Ron: Cool.

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Ron: Ow! What was that for?

Rianna: I'm your Official Smacker. Just doing my job. *smacks Ron again*

Ron: Stop it! *whines* Hermione! She's smacking me!

Hermione: Well done.

Rianna: Thanks.

*a knock on the door*

Hermione: I'll get it!

*opens door*

Lonecall: Hello, would you like to buy a vacuum cleaner? We have a very special price for a very beautiful lady. *winks*

Hermione: *giggles and blushes*

Ron: *gapes*

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Ron: Stop smacking me!

Hermione: Be quiet, Ronald! I can't hear the handsome... er, informative salesman. Sorry, please go on.

Lonecall: This state of the art vacuum cleaner has eighty-five attachments to clean every nook and cranny.

Ron: Hey! Don't be talking about my wife's nooks and crannies!

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Seren: Do you even know what nooks and crannies are?

Ron: No, but it sounds dirty.

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Lonecall: Er... is he going to kill me?

Seren: Maybe. Unless you have any sedatives?

Lonecall: Er... no. *looks scared*

Hermione: Oh, don't mind my husband - he's just a stupid prat sometimes.

Ron: *sulks*

Lonecall: *winks at Hermione*

Hermione: *giggles* I'll take three. Can I pay in installments?

Lonecall: Of course!

Ron: Hermione, we don't need three vacuum cleaners!

Hermione: Yes, we do.

Ron: It's a sad day when my wife finds a vacuum salesman more attractive than me.

Seren: Sure is. Better luck next time.

Scene Three: Ron begins to slowly deteriorate... or maybe not so slowly

Ron: I've discovered that I'm quite unattractive.

Fangirls: No you're not! You're beeeeyooootiful!

Ron: *looks terrified*

Hermione: You're not that bad looking, dear.

Ron: *sulks*

Hermione: Oh, you know what I mean.

Ron: You've been snogging that salesman, haven't you?

Hermione: Don't be such an idiot.

Ron: But that's what I do best!

Seren: Amen to that.

Ron: Hey!

Seren: You said it first!

Ron: Oh, right.

Hermione: I've made an appointment with the doctor for you, dear.

Ron: But I've just been to the doctor! I'm as fit as a fiddle!

Hermione: I mean the psychiatrist.

Ron: WHAT?!?!?!?

Hermione: You've been acting very odd lately. I think there's something wrong with you.

Ron: Wrong with me? Wrong with me! I'll tell you what's wrong with me! My wife's been flirting with a vacuum salesman, THAT'S what's wrong with me!

Hermione: I was NOT flirting.

Ron: Yes, you were! Everyone saw you!

Hermione: Everyone who?

Ron: Everyone! The neighbors, the... the salesman... EVERYONE!

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Ron: STOP THAT!

Seren: Ooooh, rage.

Cory: Sounds like he needs some anger management.

Ron: I DO NOT NEED ANGER MANAGEMENT!

Rianna: I think that psychiatrist will do you good, Ron.

Ron: *whines* But I don't wanna go!

Hermione: Too bad.

Ron: You're so mean to me!

Hermione: *rolls her eyes* Your appointment is tomorrow at two. Don't be late.

Ron: *cries*

Act Two, Scene One: Ron visits the psychiatrist

Ron: *grumbles*

Sirigorn: Tell me, Mr. Weasley. What's been bothering you?

Ron: *grumbles*

Sirigorn: And how does that make you feel?

Ron: *grumbles*

Sirigorn: Interesting... anything else?

Ron: *grumbles*

Sirigorn: Let me ask my receptionist to bring in a few sample medicines for you.

Rita: I've got the sedatives ready, Doc.

Sirigorn: Very good. I think we'll also need about a half a pound of vicadin.

Ron: What's that?

Sirigorn: Nothing.

Ron: Are you some kind of nutcase?

Sirigorn: No, you are. That's why you're here.

Ron: I'm NOT crazy!

Rita: That's what they all say. Doctor, I think he might have a bad case of the whooping cough.

Sirigorn: Hmm, yes. I can see the symptoms.

Ron: What? I don't have a cough! What is wrong with you people?

Rita: Seems like he might need a hip replacement too.

Ron: WHAT?!?!?!?!?

Sirigorn: *nods* Yes, yes. Good observation, Rita.

Rita: If I may, I'd like to suggest a full lobotomy, as well.

Ron: *runs away screaming*

Sirigorn: *laughs* That was fun.

Rita: I love freaking out the patients.

Sirigorn: Especially the ones who are just suffering through a little midlife crisis.

Scene Two: Ron takes action

Ron: *mumbling to himself* No one appreciates me. I need a new plan to make myself cooler and more attractive!

Cory: I have an idea!

Ron: Oooh, tell me! Tell me!

Cory: You will definitely be cooler if you buy that new, top of the line sports broom that came out last week!

Ron: I like brooms.

Cory: Who doesn't?

Seren: *rolls her eyes*

Cory: Anyway, all the cool people are doing it!

Ron: Great! *skips off to the broom dealership*

Lonecall: May I help you?

Ron: You look familiar.

Lonecall: I'm not.

Ron: Okay. Er... I want to buy the fastest, flashiest sports broom you have. Money's no object.

Lonecall: Really? I saw your house.

Ron: You did?

Lonecall: No.

Ron: Okay. Er... do you have anything in red?

Lonecall: Of course! We're the best broom dealership in the country! We have every color, shape, make, and model!

Ron: *hands over the money*

Lonecall: *hands over the broom*

Ron: *pimps about*

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Ron: We really need to talk about this.

Rianna: That's what you think.

Ron: *hops on his new sports broom* How fast does this thing go?

Lonecall: Very fast.

Ron: Gravy. *speeds off*

*meanwhile, back at the ranch*

Hermione: Ronald Bilius Weasley! What in the world is that thing?

Ron: It's my new sports broom, babe. Wanna take a spin?

Hermione: No, I do not want to take a spin! What were you thinking? That thing costs more than our whole house!

Ron: But it's red, and red is cool.

Hermione: *sighs* What's wrong with you?

Ron: I'm just finding myself, babe. No worries.

Hermione: You're scaring me.

Seren: Me too.

Cory: Cool broom, dude.

Ron: Thanks.

Hermione: *shakes her head* I'm going to the hairdresser. Don't do any other stupid things while I'm gone.

Ron: When do I ever do anything stupid?

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Scene Three: Hermione gets a revelation and a shampoo

Hermione: He's been acting weird for a few weeks now.

Lena: Only a few weeks?

Hermione: Okay, so ever since I met him. But it's gotten worse lately.

Lena: Shampoo?

Hermione: Yes, please. Anyway, I think he's gotten tired of me.

Lena: They all do, honey. He's probably just going through a midlife crisis.

Hermione: He bought a sports broom today.

Lena: That's just the beginning.

Hermione: You mean, it gets worse?

Lena: Of course! You're just lucky he hasn't shown up at the house with an old flame.

Hermione: An old flame? I don't think he has any old flames.

Lena: Or some hot young thing. The sports broom is small-time stuff. Just you wait.

Hermione: Oh dear.

Lena: Conditioner?

Hermione: Might as well.

Act Three, Scene One: The old flame and the hot young thing

Ron: I'm feeling much more attractive now that I have my cool sports broom.

Seren: *rolls her eyes*

Ron: Now I just need someone to take out on it, since Hermione won't come.

FBF: I'll go!

Ron: Who are you?

FBF: I'm your former girlfriend, and now I'm stalking you!

Ron: I wondered how you got in the house.

FBF: I have a key. And I'm the author of this EBT.

Ron: What?

FBF: Never mind.

Ron: I still don't remember you. You were really my girlfriend?

FBF: It was a long time ago.

Ron: Are you sure?

FBF: Very sure. Don't argue.

Ron: Okay. So, er... wanna go for a ride?

FBF: Didn't I just say that?

Ron: I don't know. I'm confused.

Seren: It happens a lot.

FBF: Apparently.

Ron: What?

Seren: Case in point.

Kyra: Ron can't take you out for a ride!

FBF: Why not?

Kyra: Because he's taking me!

FBF: Who are you?

Kyra: I'm Ron's new girlfriend!

Seren: *raises her eyebrows*

Cory: Dude, you got two girls? And a wife? I'm impressed.

Rianna: *smacks Cory*

Cory: Hey! Aren't you supposed to smack Ron?

Rianna: You were closer.

FBF: You can't have him, he's mine!

Kyra: Wanna bet?

*cat fight ensues*

Ron: This is weird.

Cory: This is cool.

Seren: Alright, break it up! Break it up!

FBF: I saw him first!

Kyra: But I saw him last!

Seren: Wait a second...

Ron: I'm confused again.

Rianna: Shocking.

FBF: Ron, you'll just have to choose between us!

Ron: ...

Fangirls: No! No! Pick us! Pick us!

Ron: Wow.

Fangirls: *swoon*

Ron: Okay, er...

Hermione: RONALD WEASLEY! DON'T YOU DARE!

Ron: Meep!

FBF: Uh oh, it's the wife.

Kyra: Ooooh, scary.

Hermione: HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME?

Ron: But, I didn't! They just came! And they fought over me! And I liked it!

Fangirls: *giggle*

Hermione: *eyes shooting fire*

Ron: Dangit! It's hard being this gorgeous!

Hermione: *storms out*

Seren: Oooooooh, you're in trouble now, Sparky!

Cory: Nice.

FBF: I guess I'll be going. Stalk you later, Ronniekins.

Ron: Okay.

Kyra: I'll still go on that ride, Ron. *winks*

Seren: Get out of here!

Scene Two: A new plan

Ron: My wife has left me. And I'm being stalked by beautiful, yet psychotic women,

Cory: Looks that way.

Seren: Maybe if you treated your wife a little better, she wouldn't have left.

Ron: *blank stare*

Seren: You know, be sweet to her.

Ron: Sweet?

Seren: Yes, sweet.

Ron: *has a revelation* You're a genius!

Seren: I know.

Ron: *skips off*

Cory: That was odd.

Ron: *returns*

Seren: What the heck?

Ron: I'm trying to be sweet!

Seren: When I said be sweet... I didn't mean coat yourself in honey.

Ron: Really?

Seren: Yeah.

Ron: *gets attacked by bears* ARGH!

Seren: This is more fun than I thought. *sits back to watch*

Ron: ARGH!

Cory: Pass the popcorn?

Seren: Sure.

Ron: ARGH! HELP!

Cory: Flame thrower?

Seren: Why not?

Cory: *chases the bears away*

Ron: *cries like a little girl* That didn't work!

Seren: Good job, Captain Obvious.

Ron: Who?

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Ron: *sighs* So now what?

Seren: So now we need a new plan.

Ron: ...

Seren: *rolls her eyes* Fine. I'll think of a new plan. Give me thirty seconds.

Ron: ...

Seren: Got it! You need to take Hermione out on a date!

Cory: *bows down to the genius that is Seren*

Ron: *looks terrified*

Seren: Oh, come on. It won't be that bad.

Ron: Are you sure?

Seren: No.

Ron: ...

Scene Three: Hermione strikes back

Hermione: I will NOT let him get away with this. Can you imagine? All those stupid girls swooning all over him!

Lena: I know. Shampoo?

Hermione: Yes, please. I mean, he was drooling all over them! It was disgusting!

Lena: I have a very clear image.

Hermione: I need to do something! I need a way to make him notice me again!

Lena: You just need a plan.

Hermione: A plan?

Lena: Or a makeover. That would work too.

Hermione: Are you just trying to get more money from me?

Lena: Yes, but it's still a good idea.

Hermione: Fine. Make me over if you must, but this had better be good!

*three grueling hours later*

Hermione: Holy crap! I look amazing!

Lena: Told ya so. That'll be four hundred galleons, please.

Hermione: Four hundred! You're robbing me blind!

Lena: It's cheaper than his new sports broom, and cheaper than a divorce.

Hermione: Four hundred galleons it is, then!

Act Four, Scene One: The Weasleys attempt to go on a date

Ron: *thinks*

Seren: *laughs*

Cory: *doots*

Ron: Do I have to?

Seren: Yes. It won't be that bad. When she gets home, just ask her out on a date.

Ron: Why should I have to ask my own wife for a date?

Rianna: *smacks Ron* Because you acted like a jerk, you moron!

Ron: Oh, right.

Kyra: I'll go on a date with you, Ronniekins!

Seren: Get outta here already!

Kyra: *winks at Ron*

FBF: Back off, Barbie! He's mine!

Kyra: Oh, no he's not!

*another cat fight ensues*

Cory: Dude, you are so lucky.

Rianna: *smacks Cory*

Cory: *sulks*

Seren: Break it up, you two!

FBF: *sticks tongue out at Kyra*

Kyra: *winks at Ron*

Ron: *blushes*

Hermione: I'm home!

Ron: Oh, crap!

Seren: *hisses* Get out of here!

FBF and Kyra: *run away*

Hermione: *saunters in*

Ron: *jaw drops*

Cory: Whoa.

Seren: I don't think this was part of my plan.

Rianna: I think this was a part of her plan.

Ron: *drools*

Hermione: Do you like my new look?

Ron: *slobbers*

Seren: I think that's a yes.

Ron: uhbeedubbbabbealskeknsjknbddddpppppppptththththththth

Hermione: *blushes* Oh, Ron, you always say the sweetest things.

Cory: What?

Seren: I dunno. *nudges Ron* Ask her!

Ron: Er.... wanldsalssddaaaaaebbbubslkjlwkennnsseppppppthththththth?

Hermione: I'd love to!

Cory: Is he speaking in tongues?

Rianna: Love makes you goofy.

Cory: Apparently.

Seren: So, do we have a date or not?

Ron: *giggles*

Seren: I'll take that as a yes.

Hermione: Will you babysit the children tonight?

Cory: *looks around nervously*

Seren: *faints*

Rianna: *whistles*

Kyra: I'll do it! I'll do it!

FBF: No way! I'm gonna do it!

*and yet another cat fight*

Hermione: I am not leaving my children with those lunatics.

Ron: Er... don't we have another neighbor or something?

Puffskein No.3: That's me!

Ron: Oh. You're not the person I was thinking of...

Puffskein No.3: *pulls out a paper* I am an Official Babysitter, certified by the Babysitters' Club as of February 2002.

FBF: Hey... isn't that a book?

Puffskein No.3: I don't know what you're talking about.

Rianna: Yeah... that is a book!

Puffskein No.3: No it isn't.

FBF: Yes it is! I've read it before! The whole series, actually!

Puffskein: *stuffs FBF in a closet* So, do I have the job or not? I could use the cash.

Hermione: Well...

Ron: Yup! *hands over the dough*

Hermione: Are you sure about this, Ronald?

Ron: What could go wrong?

*insert suspenseful music here*

Hermione: Well, alright then. We'll only be gone for an hour or so. Dinner is in the fridge, emergency numbers are by the phone, medicine is...

Ron: Hermione! Come on! Are we going on this date or not?

Hermione: *glares* Do you want to have a good time or not?

Ron: Meep!

Hermione: Medicine is in the cabinet by the sink. Arty needs to have his pepper-up potion before bed or he'll cough all night. Stella and Emma Eliza need...

Ron: *starts snoring*

Hermione: *glares*

Puffskein No.3: Don't worry, Mrs. Weasley. I've done this three... er, I mean, hundreds of times. It'll be a breeze.

Hermione: If you say so...

Ron: Come on, Hermione! Let's get going! The kids will be fine!

Hermione: *reluctantly leaves*

Ron: *sings* Goin' on a daaaaaate, I'm goin' on a daaaaaate!

Seren: *rolls her eyes*

Ron: *hums*

Hermione: This is so romantic!

Ron: It is?

Hermione: We haven't been on a date in so long, Ronald! This is wonderful!

Ron: Er... okay.

Seren: *whispers* Say something nice!

Ron: Er... Hermione?

Hermione: Yes?

Ron: I think... er... I think you're swell.

Rianna: *smacks Ron*

Ron: Ow!

Hermione: What?

Seren: *hisses* Tell her she's beautiful!

Ron: Er... you're beautiful.

Hermione: Oh, Ron! You're so sweet!

Ron: *blushes*

Seren: This is going to be interesting.

Scene Two: Goin' on a daaaaate, they're goin' on a daaaaaate!

Hermione: *gazes at Ron*

Ron: *gazes at the menu*

Hermione: *sighs happily*

Ron: Oooh, pork chops!

Rianna: I just don't have the heart anymore...

Seren: I'll do it! *smacks Ron*

Ron: What now?

Seren: Talk to your wife, you dolt!

Ron: Oh, right. Er... Hermione?

Hermione: Yes, pumpkin?

Ron: Do you want to share the pork chop platter?

Cory: I do! I do!

Seren: *cries*

Rianna: *pats Seren's shoulder* It'll all be over soon...

Hermione: Er, Ron? I think someone is staring at us.

Ron: *looks around frantically* Who? Where?

Hermione: Over there! Those two girls dressed like potted plants!

FBF and Kyra: *whistle*

Ron: *gulps* I don't see anyone. So, how about those pork chops?

Cory: I want some!

Seren: Stop it!

Cory: *sulks*

Hermione: Ron! I'm serious! Those two girls are staring at us! Do you know them?

FBF: Yoohoo! Ronniekins! Over here, darling!

Kyra: *smacks FBF* Shut up! His wife will hear us!

*and yet another catfight*

Ron: I've never seen them before in my life.

Cory: Pork chops?

Ron: Good idea.

Hermione: I don't like pork chops.

Cory: More for me!

Ron: Steak, then?

Cory: Excuse me? I believe we've already decided on the pork chops.

Hermione: Steak sounds lovely.

Cory: *sulks*

Hermione: *gazes at Ron*

Ron: *gazes at Hermione*

Mass of Weasley Children: Mummy! Daddy!

Ron: Huh?

Hermione: The children are here! Why are the children here?

Puffskein No.3: I want my money back. The little demons tried to kill me.

Hermione: Demons? Not my children!

Puffskein No.3: Wanna bet? My hair was not this color an hour ago.

Ron: *laughs*

Hermione: *glares* I thought you were an officially certified babysitter.

FBF: I told you it was a book!

Kyra: Shut up, already!

Puffskein No.3: That's beside the point. I want my money back.

Hermione: No way! We paid you to watch our children!

Puffskein No.3: *grumbles* Fine, fine. Come on, you little buggers. Let's go.

Mass of Weasley Children: Bye, Mummy! Bye, Daddy!

Seren: Perfect way to ruin a date.

Ron: You're telling me.

Hermione: *huffs* I'm appalled.

Cory: Me too. I paid good money for this and I still don't have any pork chops.

Rianna: You didn't pay any money!

Cory: I know! And I still don't have any pork chops!

FBF: *giggles*

Kyra: Ack! I think she sees us!

Hermione: Where is the waitress?

FBF: May I take your order?

Cory: PORK CHOPS!

Seren: *shoves Cory in a closet*

Ron: We'd like two steaks please, well-done.

FBF: *winks at Ron* No problem, sweet stuff.

Kyra: Hey! Didn't I warn you about that?

FBF: *sticks tongue out at Kyra*

Hermione: You two look awfully familiar...

Ron: No, they don't.

Kyra: Of course we do. I'm in love with your husband.

Hermione: RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY!

FBF: Oooooh, you're in trouble!

Ron: I didn't do it!

Hermione: *in a towering rage*

Ron: *whimpers*

Seren: Oh, for the love of Pete. Hermione, Ron is NOT cheating on you! He couldn't get another girl if he tried!

Ron: Hey!

Cory: *laughs*

Kyra: He could have me!

Seren: *shoves Kyra in a closet*

Kyra: *muffled screams*

FBF: *laughs*

Cory: *shoves FBF in the closet*

Seren: It took him ten years just to get you, Hermione, so what would make you think that he's automatically irresistible to the opposite sex?

Hermione: You have a point...

Ron: Hey! It only took eight years, thank you very much!

Rianna: *smacks Ron* Eight years that could have been avoided had you not been so thick.

Ron: You have a point...

Seren: In other words, you both just need to stop being so freakin' stupid!

Ron: You're mean.

Cory: Tip of the iceberg, Weasley. Tip of the iceberg.

Seren: *smacks Cory*

Hermione: But she's right! We need to rekindle our romance, Ronald darling!

FBF: *from the closet* Get Seren a barf bag! It's coming!

Hermione: You don't need a fancy new sports broom to be wonderful, Ron - I love you just the way you are!

Seren: *turns green* Ooooh... fluff... not... fluff...

Cory: She's gonna blow!

Ron: I love you, too, Hermione!

*much snogging*

Seren: *head over the toilet*

FBF: Told you so!

Cory: Ew.

Rianna: That's so not good.

Kyra: Can we come out now? We promise we'll be good!

FBF: We just want to watch the snogging!

Seren: *feels woozy*

Cory: *opens closet* Whoa, there's a lot of people in here today.

Rianna: We may need a bigger closet for the next EBT.

FBF: Good idea.

Seren: I call dibs on the next one!

FBF: We'll see who gets there first!

Ron and Hermione: *more snogging*

Cory: Let's leave before Seren ralphs again.

FBF: Ditto.

FIN