The Very Secret Diaries of TMR

Friday 13^th

Have found Chamber of Secrets. Go me! After five long, torturous years... go me! Anyway. Saw statue of Sexy Salazar Slytherin. Began snogging feet when found cute, cuddly, (rather ancient-fied) basilisk curled up, waiting for me! Practiced puppy-dog eyes on me, dammit! Am falling in love with bloody snake.

24^th August

Oh s***! Basilisk suffering odd convulsions... suspect wraiths have got to her! Oh well, Basilisk far too hot to die. Did I just say that out loud?

30^th August

Is Basilisk a she anyway?

14^th September

Hope so.

16^th September

Never mind. Does not matter.

21^st September

Basilisk is sick of being nameless. Wants me to name it. So tedious.

26^th September

Have decided to name Basilisk Sherissa. Dear, lovely little name for dear, lovely little basilisk.

28^th September

WHY did Salazar put entrance in stupid girl's toilet? Bloody Myrtle has been spying on me whole time!

3^rd October

Suspect Myrtle likes me. Oh well. Sherissa will kill her if she tries anything.

23^rd October

Suspect Dumbledore likes me. Oh well, cannot blame him, as face is so hot is turning even self on. Believe Sherissa is irritated. Attacked Second Year Hufflepuff two hours ago. So tedious. Cannot be irritated myself as already have everything I want - i.e. a butt like granite and gorgeous hair.

31^st October

Myrtle hitting on me. Cannot cope. Have set Basilisk on her.

14^th November

In hindsight, not good idea. Dumbledore perving on me. Found him outside the Prefect's baths.

17^th November

Oh shi...Have lost razor.

19^th November

HA! Go me! Brilliant idea! Since have LOST razor... Will begin stubble update! HA!

23^rd November

Stubble update: Satisfactory.

24^th November

Have abandoned stubble update. Looks silly.

25^th November

But how will get rid of stupid bristles marring BEAUTIFUL face?

26^th November

AHA! Go me! MAGIC!

27^th November

I rule.

28^th November

Was that Dumbledore perving at me when was getting in bath?

29^th November

Maybe was Myrtle. DAMN. Setting basilisk on her did nothing, as silly bint is back as ghost- and even MORE annoying!

30^th November

Dumbledore's not gay, is he? Pervy Slytherin fancier.

25^th December

Is it illegal to like snakes?

31^st December

Hope not. Will go fly a bit.

1^st January

Whee!!!!!!!!!!!!

3^rd January

I like to fly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

5^th January

Is broomstick gawking at me? Maybe am so hot even broomsticks swoon at sight!

17^th January

Have decided to serenade to broomstick. Set Sherissa to sleep. Won't open her eyes for a while, that one.

21^st February

Can broomsticks talk? Comet 260 has not responded to my caresses! V. tedious.

27^th February

GAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!! Have put on weight! Hate Daddy! Hate! Hate!

11^th March

Have killed Daddy. Good. Appear to be slimming down.

29^th March

Halloween! When is Halloween? T O M M A R V O L O R I D D L E

... love anagrams... I am lord... hehe, like that... lord... VOLDEMORT! Go me!

Defeater of the Saxons, King of the Britons, Alexander the Great, Bridget Jones... am I in the right fic?