Suit You Mr. Potter!

Harry wandered into the common room to find Ron sitting at a desk hard at work. He had his nose in a book.

"Do I find you reading a book, Ron?"

"Uh yeah, I've been having trouble with this spell. I just can't seem to get it right."

"Casting a spell, Ron, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You need to take a good firm grip on your wand, utter the right words, take careful aim and be sure not to overshoot. Can't hang around for long I'm afraid, it's Quidditch this afternoon."

Ron closed his book and sat with his hands folded together. "Oh yes, Quidditch. Small boys on the field, hoops for goalposts. Oops! The Snitch's flown up my trousers. My, it's a fidgety little thing. Enduring image isn't it? Wasn't it? Marvellous."

As Ron was speaking, Dean poked his head out from the stairway entrance to the dormitories. He called to Harry and Ron, "Oi! Chumpy! Cockachumpies!" He finally had their attention. "You ain't seen me, right?" He quickly disappeared. Ron picked up his school bag and began rummaging.

"Say Harry, have you seen my ARSE!"

"No, I don't think I ...atchoo!" replied Harry. Neville wandered over from the fireplace.

"Have you tried looking in the ...hoo, kak kak kak, bwo ha ha!" A coughing fit cut Neville off. The Fat Lady's portrait swung open and Seamus stepped in.

"Bono estente!" exclaimed Harry.

"Bono estente," replied Seamus. He tugged at his collar irritably. "Scorchio!"

"Shminky pinky potion bang bang?" asked Harry.

"Heth theth theth, theth theth theth, Viktor Krum. Professo Snape mucho musto homeworky setta!"

"El Snape bastardo," muttered Harry.

"Boutros boutros ghali," sighed Seamus as he walked up the stairs to the dormitories.

"Boutros boutros ghali," echoed the whole room. Neville stood up and headed for the portrait entrance. Harry and Ron both jumped up to follow him and cut him off before he could leave.

"Hello sir," said Harry in a camp tone.

"Hello Harry," replied Neville nervously.

"Where's sir off to in such a hurry?" asked Ron in the same tone as Harry.

"I'm off to see Professor Sinastra, she and I are investigating the possibility that space bats are visiting Hogwarts. Then I need to see Hagrid, he's going to help me with my essay on trolls." Harry and Ron both let out an indulgent 'Oooh!'

"Trolls? Suit you, sir!" said Ron.

"Were you out with a troll last night sir? Did she want it?" asked Harry, making Neville even more nervous.

"Was it a lady troll sir? Unusually large feet?"

"The hairy hands?"

"The hairy back?"

"The prominent Adam's apple?"

"The huge bollocks? Ooh, a he she troll? Suit you, sir!" Neville ran straight out of the portrait entrance. Ron dropped his camp tone, turned to Harry and whispered to Harry, "Don't forget, tonight we're meeting to talk with Sirius Black." Harry's eyes widened.

"Yes, black! Black! Black! It's all black! They wait for me in the Dark Forest, sharp clawed creatures, with wings! Black! Black! The clouds of despair ARE GATHERING IN MY MIND!" A sharp slap across the face brought Harry round. He went to sit down in an armchair but Ron stopped him.

"Someone's sitting there mate," Suddenly they both heard a voice coming from outside. They looked out the window to see Hagrid running away from the Dark Forest, screaming;

"He ate it, but it were wigglin'! It were still alive! Gaaaahhhh!" He carried on running until he came face to face with Professor Dumbledore on the field. He stopped in his tracks and lowered his head.

"Ah, Hagrid, I was hoping to find you here. My word, look at that sky, Hagrid. Isn't it beautiful?" Hagrid half murmured a reply.

"Yes sir, I've got to go now. I think I may have found a solution to the drainage in the lower field."

"Well that is splendid, Hagrid, after all these years. Well I'll let you get on."

When Hermione entered the common room wondering if her robes made her bum look big, she found Harry explaining why owls were 'BRILLIANT!'

"How are you feeling, Harry?" Harry turned to her.

"Radiant, madam, radiant!"

"But what ..."

"SHUT IT!" shouted Harry very suddenly. "Inspector Potterfish, and I'm in charge around here." He pointed at Ron. "You, go keep my broomstick warm!" He pointed at a first year. "You, do one!" He pointed at Hermione. "And you put your knickers on and make me a cup of tea. Two sugars!" The piercing gaze that Hermione gave him wilted Harry immediately. There was a moment of silence.

"I'll get me Invisibility Cloak."