Self Defence

The room of Requirement. Harry is giving a DA lesson to four of his schoolmates.

Harry: Good evening class.

All: Good evening.

Harry: Where's all the others then?

All: They're not here.

Harry: I can see that. What's the matter with them?

All: Don't know.

Zacharias: Perhaps they've got the flu.

Harry: Flu ...flu? They've eaten too many sweets. (does terrible twitch or tic) Right. Now, self defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where I got to last week, when I was showing you how to defend yourself against anyone who attacks you armed with sweets.

All: (disappointed) Oh.

Ron: You promised you wouldn't do sweets this week.

Harry: What do you mean?

Neville: We've done sweets for the last nine weeks.

Harry: What's wrong with sweets? You think you know it all, eh?

Ron: But couldn't we do something else, for a change?

Dean: Like someone who attacks you with a jinx?

Harry: (scornfully) Jinxes! Ho ho ho. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against jinxes, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Sweets not good enough for you, eh? Oh well, well, well, I'll tell you something my lad. When you're walking back to the common room tonight and some homicidal maniac comes after you with a bagful of sherbet lemons, don't come crying to me. Right ...the Cauldron Cake. When your assailant lunges at you with a Cauldron Cake, thus ...(demonstrates)

All: We've done the Cauldron Cake.

Harry: What?

Zacharias: We've done the Cauldron Cake.

Ron: We've done Liquorice Wands, Pumpkin Pastries.

Neville: Whole and squashed.

Ron: Fizzing Whizzbees, Droobles Best Blowing Gum.

Zacharias: Canary Creams, Ice Mice.

Ron: Pepper Imps

Neville: Toothflossing Stringmints.

Zacharias: Yes, and Sugar Quills.

Harry: How about Every Flavour Beans?

All: We done them.

Harry: All flavours?

All: Yes.

Harry: All right then ...Chocolate Frogs!

All: Oh.

Harry: We haven't done them have we?

All: No.

Harry: Right! Chocolate Frogs! How to defend yourself against a man armed with a Chocolate Frog. (to Zacharias) Here, you, take this. (throws him a Chocolate Frog) Now it's quite simple to defend yourself against the Chocolate Frog fiend. First of all, you force him to drop the Chocolate Frog, next, you eat the Chocolate Frog, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him helpless.

Ron: Suppose he's got more than one.

Harry: Shut up!

Dean: Supposing he uses a jinx.

Harry: Shut up. Right. Now, you, Mr. Cockroach Cluster.

Zacharias: Smith.

Harry: Smith, Mr. Smith. Come at me with that Chocolate Frog then. Come on attack me with it. As hard as you like. Come on. (Zacharias moves towards him rather half-heartedly) No no no. Put something into it for Merlin's sake. Hold it, like that. Scream. Now come on, come on ...attack me, come on, come on! (Zacharias runs towards him shouting, Harry draws his wand and kills Zacharias, who falls to the ground. Harry puts his wand and walks to the Chocolate Frog) Now ...I eat the Chocolate Frog.

He does so. The rest of the class gather round Zacharias' body.

All: You cursed him. He's dead. You killed him.

Harry: (finishing the Chocolate Frog) I have now eaten the Chocolate Frog. The deceased Mr. Cockroach Cluster is now disarmed.

Ron: You cursed him. You cursed him dead.

Harry: Well he was attacking me with a Chocolate Frog.

Neville: Well, you told him to.

Harry: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend yourself against sweets.

Dean: And jinxes.

Harry: Shut up!

Ron: Supposing someone came at you with a Chocolate Frog and you haven't got a wand?

Harry: Run for it.

Neville: You could stand and scream for help.

Harry: You try that with an Exploding Bonbon down your windpipe.

Neville: An Exploding Bonbon?

Harry: (jumping with fear) Where? Where?

Neville: Nowhere. I was just saying Exploding Bonbon.

Harry: Oh blimey. I thought my number was on that one.

Neville: (amazed) What, on the Exploding Bonbon?

Harry: (jumping) Where? Where?

Neville: No I was just repeating it.

Harry: Oh. Oh! Right. That's the Chocolate Frog then. Next ...the Jelly Slug. (pulling one out of pocket) Harmless looking thing, isn't it. Now you, Mr. Acid Pop ...

Neville: Longbottom.

Harry: Mr. Longbottom, come at me with that Jelly Slug then. Come on, be as vicious as you like with it.

Neville: No.

Harry: Why not?

Neville: You'll kill me.

Harry: I won't.

Neville: You killed Zacharias.

Harry: That was self-defence. Come on. I promise I won't kill you.

Dean: You promised you'd tell us about jinxes.

Harry: Shut up. Now. Brandish that ...brandish that Jelly Slug. Come on, be as vicious as you like with it. Come on.

Neville: No. Throw the wand away.

Harry: I haven't got a wand.

Neville: Oh yes, you have.

Harry: I haven't.

Neville: You have. You killed Zacharias with it.

Harry: Oh ...that wand.

Neville: Throw it away.

Harry: All right. (throws it away) How to defend yourself against a Jelly Slug, without a wand.

Neville: You were going to curse me!

Harry: I wasn't.

Neville: You were.

Harry: Wasn't. Come on, come on you Flobberworm ...you miserable little man. Come at me then ...come on, do your worst, you Flobberworm. (Neville runs at him. Harry takes a step back and pulls a lever; a sixteen-ton weight falls upon Neville) If anyone ever attacks you with a Jelly Slug, simply pull the lever ...and a sixteen-ton weight will drop on his head. I learnt that from Mad-Eye Moody.

Ron: Suppose you haven't got a sixteen-ton weight.

Harry: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

Ron: How many sixteen-ton weights are there?

Harry: Look ...look, smarty pants, the sixteen-ton weight is just one way, just one way of dealing with the Jelly Slug killer. There are millions of others.

Ron: Like what?

Harry: Curse him.

Ron: Well, supposing you haven't got a wand or a sixteen-ton weight?

Harry: All right clever dick, all right clever dick. You two, come at me with Jelly Slugs, there you are, a whole box each. Come on, come at me with them, then.

Ron: No wand?

Harry: No.

Ron: No sixteen-ton weight?

Harry: No.

Dean: No jinxes?

Harry: Shut up.

Ron: No rocks in the ceiling?

Harry: No.

Ron: You won't kill us.

Harry: I won't kill you.

Ron: Promise?

Harry: I promise I won't kill you. Now are you going to attack me?

Ron and Dean: All right.

Harry: Right, now don't rush me this time. I'm going to turn me back. So you can stalk me ...right? Come up as quietly as you can, right close up behind me, then, in with the Jelly Slugs, right? Start moving. (they start to creep up on him) Now ...the first thing to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with Jelly Slugs, is to ...release the dragon. (he presses button and a dragon flashes past him in direction of Ron and Dean; cries are heard from them as well as roaring) The great advantage of the dragon in unarmed combat is that it not only eats the Jelly Slug laden foe, but also the Jelly Slugs. The dragon, however, does not relish the toffee. The toffee assailant should be attacked with an Acromantula. (he turns to look behind him) Right ...I know you're there -lurking under the floorboards with your Nosebleed Nougat and your Ginger Newts. Well I'm ready for you. I've wired myself up to two hundred tons of gelignite and if any of you so much as tries anything we'll all go up together. I've warned you ...I warned you, right! That's it.

Big explosion.