Rating:
R
House:
Riddikulus
Ships:
Grawp/Other Magical Creature
Genres:
Humor
Era:
Multiple Eras
Spoilers:
Order of the Phoenix
Stats:
Published: 03/08/2005
Updated: 03/08/2005
Words: 761
Chapters: 1
Hits: 395

A Lady Friend

The Dork Lord

Story Summary:
Remember how Hagrid suggested he might find a lady friend for Grawp? Well, what if he did? Warning: if you are not amused by smutty innuendoes then do not, I repeat, do not read this fic.

Chapter Summary:
Remember how Hagrid suggested he might find a lady friend for Grawp? Well, what if he did? Warning, if you are not amused by smutty innuendoes then do not, I repeat, do not read this fic.
Posted:
03/08/2005
Hits:
395
Author's Note:
This fic was literally an idea I had that made me giggle for a while. It probably shouldn't be here, but I thought I might as well submit it. Be warned, crude jokes ahead.


"Is this going to take long?" asked Harry as he trudged through the Dark Forest, trying to keep up with Hagrid.

"Oh no, won't take a minute," answered Hagrid enthusiastically. Harry soon recognised the route they were taking to be the one that lead to where Grawp lived within the forest. He had a feeling that this could only mean something bad. Just before they arrived, Hagrid turned to face Harry. He seemed particularly happy about something, which again could only mean something bad. "D'yeh remember last year, how I said I'd bin tryin' ter find Grawp a lady friend?" A horrible thought struck Harry like a Firebolt over the head.

"Hagrid ...you haven't!" Hagrid stepped aside dramatically to reveal the clearing where Harry had seen Grawp last year. Now, however, he was not alone. Sitting next to him was what Harry assumed to be a giantess. It was actually very hard to tell the difference between them. The giantess was just as hairy as Grawp, although she was wearing a dress made from animal skins, instead of a smock like Grawp's. Harry knew it was a dress because Grawp was slowly putting his hand up it.

"Don't they make a luvly couple?" said Hagrid as he beamed at his half brother.

"Yeah ...sure ...lovely," muttered Harry.

"Her name's Buggroff, as far as I can tell," explained Hagrid. "Come ter think of it, she might've just bin tellin' me to bugger off. Anyway, let's leave these lovebirds alone." As Harry and Hagrid made their way out of the forest, they heard a mighty groan coming from behind them. Harry didn't even want to contemplate the cause of it.

~|~

Over the next few days there were more and more loud sounds from the forest. The teachers had been informed of the situation and were told to try and keep the students from finding out. Many of Harry's classmates were curious as to what was happening in the forest.

"Professor McGonagall, what's that noise?" asked Seamus Finnigan during a Transfiguration lesson.

"Shut up and turn to page 69," snapped Professor McGonagall. "Today we shall be learning how to transform inanimate objects into living orgasms ...organisms!" she corrected quickly. It didn't take long for rumours to begin circulating around the school. Harry heard some really good ones; like Dumbledore was performing some kind of experiment in the Forbidden Forest or Hagrid's herd of Threstrals had the runs. Considering how dirty minded kids usually were, Harry was surprised that no one had guessed that the noise was being made by two horny giants romping in the forest. It didn't take long for someone to realise the truth and spread it around. The Slytherins took great pride in explaining every graphic detail to the first years, completely destroying the innocence of an entire generation. Well, they had to learn sometime.

The teachers took to wearing earplugs during their lessons. Care of Magical Creatures had to be moved inside the castle due to all the trees that came flying out of the forest and landed heavily in the grounds. Luckily this only happened when Buggroff was feeling particularly randy. Not so luckily, this was all the time. In a bizarre twist, all the centaurs in the forest came to beg for accommodation in the castle along with Firenze, as no living thing was now safe in the forest. The Acromantulas and werewolves soon followed.

Several days after the arrival of Buggroff, Harry, Hermione and Ron were sitting in the Gryffindor common room revising, when they could hear a loud, excited roar.

"Grawp's getting some I see," sighed Ron casually.

"No, not yet. That sound just means he's got to second base," explained Harry, barely looking up from his essay.

"Oh," mumbled Ron indifferently. A few seconds later, there came a series of loud, thunderous gasps like blasts from a foghorn. Several uprooted trees went flying past the window.

"Now he's getting some," stated Harry.

"Oh yeah." As the noise continued, Hermione finally cracked. Jumping up from her seat, she pulled out her wand.

"That's it! I'm going in there to put a silencing charm on the both of them!"

"If you want to try and get close enough to them to do it, be my guest!" scoffed Harry sarcastically. It took Hermione a while to acknowledge defeat, but she finally sank back into her chair.

"Cheer up, Hermione. They'll probably have a baby soon. Maybe then we'll get some peace and quiet," offered Ron. Hermione's derisive laugh was drowned out by all the raucous giant sex.


Author notes: Now remember what I said about not being amused by smutty innuendoes. Please review, but please, no harsh ones. It's mostly badly written I admit, but it was an idea I just had to get out of my system.