Anyone Fancy a Pint?

After returning from his 'walk', Harry staggered into the Gryffindor common room, swinging a bottle of Ogden's Old Fire Whiskey in his hand.

"I'm not pissed you know," he announced just before tripping over a footstool and landing flat on his face. He hauled himself up and looked down at the footstool. "Good job I'm not pissed or I might have tripped over that." He collapsed into an armchair, ignoring the fact that Seamus and Lavender were stark bollock naked and shagging by the fire place.

Harry filled a glass with the Fire Whiskey and began to mumble incoherently, occasionally saying something clearly.

"Ah I remember *mumble mumble* the Bludger was coming right at me *mumble mumble* the KAPOW! Smacked me right in the face ... they took me to the hospital wing and I said quite clearly *mumble mumble* and eh heh heh heh I certainly got the last laugh there! *mumble mumble* and we ate the Kappa's from the tail up *mumble mumble* BASILISK! BASILISK! AAAHHH! *mumble mumble* well you see, I'm afraid I was very, very drunk."

Ron rose from his hiding place behind Harry's chair, holding his wand like a microphone.

"Hi! I'm Ed Winchester!" He dropped his wand and scowled down at Harry. "This week, I are been mostly eating dragon testicles!" Suddenly Fred and George flew past the window on their brooms.

"It's gripped!" shouted George.

"It's sorted!" exclaimed Fred.

"Let's off ground!" the two of them yelled together as they flew off. Ron moved to the side of Harry's chair.

So anyway Harry, I talked to McGonagall about our homework and I... I'm sorry I've just come." Ron paused for a moment then continued, "Well I went to see her about getting an extension on the deadline and ...I'm sorry I've just come again." He shook his leg. "You know, I think I'll go lie down." He disappeared up the stairs to the dormitory.

Harry was just wishing he had a can of Cheesy Peas™ when Neville came running down the steps in wide rimmed glasses.

"Ere, how queer! Where's me Remembrall? How queer! Have you seen it? Yes, you! Who do you think you are? Uncle Voldie the Tumbling Dark Lord? Yes! No! You know what I'm talking about even if I don't. I'm Neville, you're not but I love you all three throbbidy bits fish and Death Eaters!"

Suddenly Neville exchanged the dorky glasses for a pair of sunglasses. "Now I'd like to get serious for a moment and talk about Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Now while these sweets are a treat they are also very dangerous. When they fall from the pockets of little kiddies they get heated up by the sun until they're all sticky. Not nice. Along comes Mr. Grindylow, oops he's got his foot stuck and they've only got one foot mind you. Along comes a Threstral drawn carriage, BHAM! He's flat as a pancake. I'm only trying to save lives."

"Are you feeling OK Neville?"

"Ay you know me, I'm a little bit wurr, a little bit waay, a little bit *swoosh swoosh swoosh*. I'm dodgy ain't I?"

"That's great, can you make sure no one sits here? I'll just be a minute."

"You're having a laugh ain't you Arry? I'm a geezer! I'll nick anything and I'll nick your seat."

"Yeah, sure Neville," said Harry as he headed out the portrait entrance.

"Oh don't do this to me Arry!" As soon as Harry was gone, Neville jumped into the chair. "Told him I'd nick it."

As Harry was walking through the corridor, he passed Professor Dumbledore talking to himself again.

"Each Michaelmas term, one of the smallest first years would be elected via a secret ballot, to be school Billywig! The chosen one would then be spun around the Great Hall until he was so thoroughly dizzy that he would start to vomit most violently. His emissions would then be collected in large buckets and used in the stew the next day." Dumbledore suddenly spotted Harry. "Hello Mr. Potter, fancy a pint?" The look that Harry was giving Dumbledore made him realise what an idiot he was being. He hunched his back and began limping away. "The bells, the bells! Esmerelda! Sanctuary!"

Harry continued on to the dungeons, he had to see Professor Snape about a potion. Once in the Potions classroom he found Pansy Parkinson giving some advice to another student.

"Can I give you a tip, pet? That Skin Firming potion you have there is a complete waste of your time. With those wrinkles forming around your nose (which by the way is enormous) no amount of potion is going to help you. No offence." After a quick word with Professor Snape, Harry left with a vial of potion.

"Well," he said to himself, "this potion should clear up me piles. Though knowing my luck something will go tragically wrong." He drank the potion in one gulp. The seat of his trousers began to expand as his haemorrhoids swelled up. Harry looked down at his enormous backside. "Aaaww, bugger!"

Back in the dormitory, Hermione and Parvati were debating a point concerning the first Goblin Revolution.

"Now, don't think I'm being unnecessarily nasty, but the way I see it the first Goblin Revolution was the fault of the goblins themselves. Back then they were basically savage and violent."

"Well, you're just generalising aren't you?" said Parvati. "It may be in their nature but you also have to take the social situation into account. The goblins were facing a great deal of persecution from Wizarding kind." As Harry returned to the common room, Parvati jumped up to greet him. "Hewwo Harry, you look weally handsome. Hermione was going on about goblins. I don't like goblins, they're scary. I think Hermione is just being boring. You'd protect me from nasty goblins, wouldn't you?"

Before Harry could answer, Cornelius Fudge appeared from underneath the table. "Me? The thirteenth Minister for Magic here in the Gryffindor common room with two clearly underage witches? With my reputation? Are they quite mad? Has no one thought of the consequences? Laws can be changed you know." Ignoring the Minister, Harry turned to Hermione.

"Where have you been all afternoon?"

"I was in the library reading a book, just browsing really. After I found ten galleons on the floor I stumbled on a cure for werewolf bites. Which was nice."

Ron came down the steps just as the Patagonians came in and started playing. He and Harry surveyed the chaos around them.

"What do you reckon to all this then, Harry?"

"I reckon it's all bollocks."