Who Wants To Buy A Sirius Black?

"Okay, this place is as boring as hell," Sirius said, glancing around Three Broomsticks. Even though most of Hogwarts third years and above were in the local Hogsmeade pub, it was dismally quiet.

"We need to do something to liven this place up," James said thoughtfully, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

"Whaddya propose we do?" Peter asked, swirling his Butterbeer around in its glass.

"Set Remus loose on the unsuspecting students?" Lily suggested.

"No way!" Remus protested, "Lily, you're Head Girl, the one supposed to keep us out of trouble."

"Nah, that's James's job," Lily said, taking a swig of her own Butterbeer.

Sirius almost spat out his mouthful of Butterbeer. "James? Keep us out of trouble?"

"That's a laugh and a half." Peter rolled his eyes.

"I know!" Lily said, her emerald eyes gleaming.

"What?" Remus asked warily. He didn't especially like the mischievous look on Lily's face.

"Let's hold an auction," Lily suggested.

"Auctioning off what?" Peter looked up, interested.

"You guys," Lily said, gesturing at the four Marauders.

Their reactions were decidedly different.

"Hell no!"

"On a cold day in hell!"

"When hell freezes over!"

"Hell yeah!"

The reactions; in order were James, Peter, Remus and, of course, Sirius.

"Sirius!" Peter, James and Remus exclaimed.

"What? Who wouldn't bid on me?" Sirius flexed his muscles.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Me, for one."

"Let me rephrase that." Sirius smirked. "Which female wouldn't bid on me?"

"Beats the hell out of me." Lily shrugged. She then pulled out her wand and waved it. Instantly, a megaphone appeared. She waved her wand once more and her black school robes were transfigured into a tight silver and lime spaghetti-strap top, neon green flared pants and five-inch emerald-studded platforms.

"Lily, please tell me you're not going through with this." James buried his head in his hands.

"Okay, I won't tell you." Lily grinned, "C'mon, Sirius."

"With pleasure, ma'am!" Sirius grinned as he and Lily headed off to the bar.

"Okay, ladies!" Lily called out through a megaphone as she hopped up on the bar.

A few interested heads turned to the red-haired seventh year.

"I've got a surprise for you!" Lily called, walking across the bar.

"Take it off!" a voice yelled.

"Shut it, Snape!" Lily shouted back to the greasy-haired Slytherin. "Anyway, as I was saying, I've got a surprise for you ladies!"

"Tell us already!" a Ravenclaw sixth year called.

"Well," Lily smirked, "I hope you've all got some money ready, coz there's gonna be an auction!"

"What is going on?" Madam Rosmerta asked, coming out of the back room where she had gone to get some more mulled mead.

"Holding an auction, Madam." Sirius flashed a winning grin.

"Of what?" Madam Rosmerta wondered.

"Me." Sirius's grin widened.

Madam Rosmerta rolled her eyes.

"Our auction item today is, the one, the only..." Lily paused for effect. She covered the megaphone. "Sirius, get your ass up here!"

Sirius transfigured his clothing into tight black jeans, a tight white top and his infamous leather jacket. James often joked that Sirius slept in that thing. He then jumped up on the bar beside Lily.

"Your auction item is the one, the only, the dead sexy...SIRIUS BLACK!" Lily called. Instantly, the female half of the bar erupted into cheers, hoots and whoops.

"Hell yeah!" Sirius shouted, raising his arms above his head.

"He's insane," James said flatly, watching from across the bar.

"He's Sirius. Of course he's insane," Peter replied, rolling his eyes.

"Okay, shall we start the bidding at fifteen Galleons?" Lily called out.

"Twelve!" a voice called out.

"Seventeen!"

"Twenty!"

"Let's see some action!" a Slytherin fifth-year called with a sly smile on her face.

"You want action?" Sirius roared, "You got it!" He took off his leather jacket and threw it into the audience.

"Twenty-five!"

"Thirty!"

"C'mon, he's worth more than that!" Lily screamed, with a devilish grin.

"Take it off!" Snape called again.

"Not a chance in hell!" Lily called.

Sirius, of course, took the comment to be directed at him and started to take off his shirt.

Across the bar, James buried his head in his hands. Peter squeaked and covered his eyes.

Remus, of course, him having a few too many Butterbeers, got up from the table, made his way across the bar, transfiguring his clothes as he went. By the time he reached the bar, he was wearing ripped jeans and an unbuttoned white dress shirt.

"And what do we have here?" Lily asked, turning her attention away from the now-shirtless Sirius to an almost-shirtless Remus, "Another one?" she held out her hand to Remus.

Remus grinned and grabbed her hand; Lily helped him up. "Two for the price of one!"

More enthusiastic screams, hoots, whoops, clapping and other miscellaneous sounds came from the crowd.

"Fifty!"

"Seventy-five!"

"C'mon, aren't I worth more than that?" Sirius smirked.

"Hey, what about me?" Remus demanded.

"Aren't these two worth more!?" Lily countered.

"One hundred!" came the voice of sixth-year Narcissa Yoflam.

"Take it off!" Snape shouted once again at Lily.

Sirius grinned devilishly and looked down at himself. He then started to take off his pants.

"Keep it on!" Peter and James yelled in unison.

"Party poopers!" Lily and a hundred million (well, the female population in the bar) screamed.

"Lily!" James shouted.

Lily just stuck her tongue out at him. "Kiss this!" She smacked her ass.

"One-fifty!" one of the richest girls in school, Celeste Malfoy screamed at the top of her lungs.

Narcissa shot her a glare. "One seventy-five!"

"Two hundred!"

"Two-fifty!"

"Three hundred!" a Hufflepuff, by the name of Maria Parkinson yelled.

"Take it off!" This time, the hollerer was not Snape. It was Narcissa. And the comment seemed to be directed at Remus.

Remus blinked, looked blank and then tore off his shirt.

"Well?" Lily called out, "Is three hundred the highest?"

"No!" the crowd called.

"Three fifty!"

"Four hundred!"

"Four fifty!"

"Five hundred!"

It was now an all-out war for the two Marauders. And neither Narcissa or Celeste seemed to feel the need to back down.

"Are you gonna let one of these two walk off with your ma-men?" Lily called.

"No!" the girls roared back.

Suddenly, a group of girls called out in unison, "One thousand Galleons!" Evidently, seven Ravenclaws had pooled their money.

"One thousand, one hundred!" Narcissa screamed.

Maria sulked. "Dammit...Damn my father....one thousand is my credit limit."

"Going once!" Lily yelled as no one else seemed to bid, "Going twice!"

Sirius blew a kiss to Narcissa.

"So-"

"Ten thousand!" a voice slurred. All the students looked around. They had heard that voice before. That nagging, annoying voice...

Giving them homework every night?

Everyone turned to the source of the voice. It was Professor Minerva McGonagall, sitting at a table for one with a shot glass in her hand looking not-so sober.

There was a deafening silence.

"Going once!" Lily called out.

"Lily, no, no!" Sirius and Remus shook their heads abruptly.

James snickered, Oh-ho, they're getting what they deserve!

"Going twice!" Lily screamed.

"Lily, you can't do this to us!" Remus yelped.

"Going three times!"

"Lily, NO!!" Sirius begged. It was actually quite a funny sight. A half-naked seventeen-year-old Sirius Black on his knees, begging. (A/N: Ya know, this is a really good mental image!)

"Sold!" Lily let the final syllable hang in the air.

"Hot damn!" McGonagall got to her feet unsteadily. She got up unsteadily and wobbled to the bar.

Sirius and Remus looked at each other, jumped off the bar and ran like hell.

McGonagall hopped over the bar and chased after the two.

"Okay..." Lily said, searching for an idea. She grinned evilly, "Now, who wants to bid on...me!"

A roar of approval came from the male section of the bar...well, most of the bar.

"You forbid me?" Lily raised an eyebrow saucily. She strode down the bar to where her boyfriend was.

"Yes, I forbid you!" James yelled furiously.

"Really?" Lily asked, putting her face in front of his.

"Yes!" James shouted.

"Tough!" Lily pushed him back into the crowd. She turned to the nearest guy - who happened to be Lucius Malfoy - grabbed him around the neck and kissed him flat on the lips.

"LILY!" James screamed.

"Forbid that!" Lily ended her kiss with Lucius. The platinum-blonde was slightly dazed.

Lily hopped back up on the bar and extended her hand to Narcissa, "Get yer ass up here!"

"Aye-aye, ma'am!" Narcissa laughed mockingly. With a wave of her wand, the drab black robes she was wearing were instantly transformed into hot pink capri pants, a lavender tube top and seven-inch high heels. Her long platinum-blonde hair was swept back in thousands of little dreadlocks.

"One hundred!" Snape called out.

"One fifty!" James glared at him.

"Two hundred!"

"Two fifty!"

"Three hundred!"

"Three fifty!"

Soon, the boys had reached the ten-thousand-ish level.

"Do they even have that much?" Narcissa whispered.

"James does." Lily shrugged.

And the bidding wars continued long into the night.