I Just Want You to Know Who I Am

Prologue: Dejected Birthday

And when the sun is goin' down

And there is no place to hide

Even in the brightest light

You might lean towards the darker side

-- "Darker Side", by Jonny Lang

Harry Potter lay down on his bed, even though he knew he wouldn't sleep tonight. He hadn't slept at all, not since his return from his fifth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Not since Sirius had died, or fallen through the veil, or whatever it was. He sighed, a sound he had made a lot of lately. At times, Harry sighed more often than he breathed, or so Dudley had pointed out that morning (after coming home from a party obviously hung over and stoned off his fat ass). Realizing how true that actually was, he crossed his bedroom to take out a piece of parchment, his quill, and some ink.

After this new addition, Harry reviewed his list of sins:

- I am the reason my parents are dead

- I am a horrible friend

- I have made Hogwarts unsafe for everyone

- I hurt all the people I love

- I am gay

He stopped here, and remembered how he had discovered this repugnant part of himself. It had been after his first kiss with Cho. He hadn't really felt anything during it, and he wondered if it would've been better if it were with a guy...it was then that it clicked. He had always appreciated the male form more than a woman's body and preferred to check out boys for that reason, but he had thought nothing of it then. But once his lips touched Cho's, and there was nothing, he knew that girls were just not for him. He should have come out to Ron and Hermione right there and then, but he was worried about their reaction, and with all the troubles of Voldemort's return, it didn't really seem appropriate. "Oh, well. I'll come out of the closet on the train. Now back to my list," he said

- I am stupid

- I am naïve to a fault

- I am self-centered

- I killed Sirius

- I sigh too much.

He counted ten flaws. Ten reasons he didn't deserve to be alive. Ten reasons to punish himself, as well as many more which he didn't write down. Harry decided he needed to cleanse himself. He wrenched up the loose floorboard under his bed, and retrieved a knife. He had originally put it there in case Dudley and his friends went a little too far, which they had done after smoking a little too much weed, but he imagined this use would help the world more.

Harry dragged the blade across his arm (not down his arm, he didn't want to kill himself, just cleanse himself of the filth that was his past). Ten cuts for ten failings. His first, fifth, and ninth reasons were the ones which cut the deepest, emotionally as well as physically. After finishing his "work", Harry realized that it was 11:59. He counted down out loud. "Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four...three...two...one. Happy fucking birthday, Harry Potter. Thus ends the most miserable year of your life, and it's only bound to get worse." He sighed. Again. "What a wondrous life it is being the savior of the wizarding world, eh, Hedwig?" he sarcastically asked his snowy owl. He looked out the window, and flopped onto his bed once more after realizing his friends couldn't owl him anything, by order of the Order. Ugh. He mentally reminded himself to add "bad puns" to his list in the morning.