Love Potion HP

Chapter Twenty-Three: One Last Night

It was a split-second decision; instead of proceeding to dinner with his classmates, Harry turned away from the stairwell leading out of the dungeons and rushed back towards the Potions lab.

Aside from Snape's near-miraculous tolerance of Harry- which he suspected was sympathy for the shared brand upon their arms- Potions class had reverted to pre-October standards. Gryffindor lost points if someone considered breathing; the Slytherins murdered five second-years and got away with it. Snape was snippy, sarcastic, sadistic, short-tempted, and currently taking nominations for which Gryffindor should replace Harry as his object of loathing. Ron was in the lead, with Neville and Hermione neck-in-neck just behind. His behavior gave every indication that Dumbledore had destroyed the Aphrodilus, yet one significant fact left Harry doubting.

Sirius was miserable.

Harry had spoken to his godfather four times in the two weeks following his fateful Quidditch match. Although he had not once mentioned Snape, Harry sensed a cloud of despair shadowing his heart, painting his movement and speech with an air of tragedy.

Snape has to be feeling the same thing, he thought. He thought he loved Sirius- I thought he loved Sirius!

He simply could not stand it any longer. He had to speak to Snape, if for no more than Sirius's sake. What was the worst the Potions Master could do? Curse him? Give him a detention?

They can't really go back to hating each other after everything they've been through... can they? he wondered, opening the door to Snape's classroom.

The hinges squeaked as he pressed upon the door. In the room beyond, he saw the Potions Master, whose back was to the entrance, give a start. One hand brushed against his face as if wiping something away, then, sneering, he turned and demanded, "What- Oh, it's you, Potter. What do you want?"

"I-" Harry began. Snape's eyes were red and puffy and although his lips were curved into a snarl of loathing, the emotion in his pupils was something quite different. "I-" he started again.

"Potter, get out!" he snapped.

Harry bowed his head.

"I'm sorry, Professor," he whispered, then left.

* * *

Sirius gazed impassively through the blinds of the cabin's window. It was raining again; he could hear the pitter-patter of drops on the roof, a perfect accompaniment to his mood.

Wearily, he lowered his head back to the sofa. He was exhausted despite that he had barely moved from the couch since awakening in the morning. His stomach was empty, but he felt no hunger pangs. He barely ate; he had no appetite and the kitchen had been Severus's domain. It, like the bedroom, held too many memories.

Dumbledore obviously had yet to destroy the Aphrodilus. Shouldn't its potion have run out already? Voldemort must have replenished it shortly before confronting them.

Hate was better than this. Sirius did not want to hate Severus; he still felt madly in love with him, but he had never been so miserable. Who needed a little island in the North Sea? His heart had become his own Azkaban.

The doorbell rang. Once, twice. After the third time, Sirius roused the strength to rise from the sofa and open the door. He did not bother to check the spy-mirror. He doubted he would honestly care if whomever was behind the door happened to be Cornelius Fudge with a dozen Aurors and an army of dementors. Whatever they could offer him was better than what he had.

Outside, a tall figure tightly wrapped in a voluminous black hooded cloak shivered on the doorstep. His robes were drenched, soaked through to the skin.

No, Sirius thought, it couldn't be.

"Severus?"

The figure nodded and pushed back his hood. Droplets of water clung to the slick strands of his hair. "May I come in?" he asked timidly.

Sirius stepped aside, his heart fluttering painfully inside his chest. "Of course."

Severus entered and unclasped his cloak. Sirius removed it from his shoulders and placed it upon a peg, ignoring the puddle forming rapidly beneath it. Severus shivered again, prompting Sirius to move rapidly towards the fireplace and chant, "Incendio!"

A warm, orange flame appeared within the hearth. Sirius lightly touched Severus's shoulder and was gratified when the Potions Master did not shrug him away. He guided him towards the fire, then placed his arm around him as they sat on the floor. Severus did not protest.

"The Aphrodilus is still active," he said.

"I know," Sirius replied. "I still-"

"Don't say it. It's not real."

"Is that why you left me?" he asked.

Severus did not answer.

"Is that why you refused to talk?"

"There was nothing to talk about," he said. "Our life together was beautiful- but it was a lie. And Erised knew that."

"Erised?" Sirius repeated. "Severus, what did you see in the Mirror of Erised?"

He paused. "Nothing. I saw nothing."

Sirius was confused. "But that's a good thing. That means you are content- that you have everything you desire-"

"No, you don't understand," he protested. "Sirius, I did not even see myself. What I saw... was not sight. Was not existence, was not anything. I saw oblivion. My greatest desire, the only thing I've truly wanted for the past fifteen years, is not to exist."

A strange, numb horror descended upon Sirius.

Severus continued, "I didn't understand. I- I thought I didn't want that anymore. Why would I want that when there was you? Now I know. Erised saw past the effects of the Aphrodilus, saw the desire of the true me, not the me I am now. The me I will be."

"My God," Sirius whispered. "How- why? Why would you not want to exist?"

Severus's eyes became cloudy. "Sirius, you have been through horrible things, things you would pay any price not to relive. I have more than been through horrible things. I have done horrible things. It wasn't so easy to hate the world when I was younger. It is now- because the world hates me now, because I hated it first. Why do you think I became a Death Eater?"

"Oh, Severus..." Sirius began, embracing him.

Severus pushed him away roughly. "Don't!" he snapped furiously. "I don't want any goddamn pity! Do you think I was being altruistic when I tried to sacrifice myself to Voldemort for you? I wanted to die! And you and Potter ruined everything!"

He jumped to his feet. "You understand nothing!" he screamed. "I hate myself, I hate the world, I hate everything, and I don't want to live! And just when I was starting to like myself and think that maybe the world isn't such a shitty place, I find out that none of it was REAL! Once again I'm Professor bloody Snape who everybody loathes and every student hates!"

He continued to rant, "You wanted to see my soul once, Sirius. You wanted to know my secrets. Well now you do- my secret is that I don't have one!"

Boldly, Sirius stood up and declared, "I don't believe that. I still love you, Severus Snape."

"SHUT UP!" Severus screamed. "That's not you talking at all! It's just the bloody Aphrodilus!"

"I DON'T CARE!" Sirius roared. "I FEEL IT! I LOVE YOU!"

To his immense surprise, Severus started crying.

"I can't do this. I can't do this," he sobbed, throwing himself at Sirius, pressing his face against his chest. "I can't live feeling like I love you, feeling like I want you, and knowing that I really don't. I can't stand the misery. If I have to hate everything- if I have to hate you- don't let me think I love you. Let my mind be free- or at least caged by something I really feel. Don't let me think I love you."

"One last night?" Sirius whispered. "One last night before our forever becomes never, so that we at least had a last time we knew was the last time?"

Severus sniffled. "One last night," he said.

* * *

It was long, and slow, and beautiful, and Sirius would have been content for eternity had it lasted forever. But the morning came too soon.

* * *

When they awoke, they did not speak. They did not stop to have breakfast. They simply got dressed and went directly to Albus Dumbledore's office.

Severus spoke first. "Headmaster, when will you be able to destroy the Aphrodilus?"

"Is there something you can do... some sort of spell..." Sirius began, "that in the meantime..."

Dumbledore looked puzzled. "Why? Do you still feel an attraction?"

"Well, of course!" Severus answered a bit impatiently.

"But, Severus, I destroyed the Aphrodilus two days after you gave it to me."

There was pause.

"What?" Severus asked flatly, then screamed, "WHAT?!"

A broad smile spread across Dumbledore's face. "So, I was right," he said softly. "I was right, after all."

"I- I don't understand," Sirius stammered. "Weren't all the emotions we felt as a result of the Aphrodilus supposed to be reversed?"

Dumbledore grinned. "Emotions granted and generated by the Aphrodilus, yes. But as a result in other ways..."

Severus narrowed his eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"The reason I did not originally believe your love was a result of the Dark Arts is that I always suspected the two of you were secretly attracted to each other," Dumbledore began. "Emotions often form strange cycles. Your attraction was repressed by your hatred, and that repression in turn fueled your hatred. So, in your case, the Aphrodilus did not create attraction. It merely allowed what already existed to come to the surface and then helped you a little along the way. The rest," he pronounced with a mischievous twinkle, "was entirely yourselves."

Sirius stood dumbstruck.

"No way," said Severus. "There is positively no way that I-"

"Repressed attraction?" Sirius queried. "What made you suspect..."

"There were many signs," said Dumbledore. "The first was the way you glared at Severus after he was Sorted into Slytherin."

"Sorted?" he repeated flatly. "Sorted?! But that was when we were-"

Severus went ballistic. "You perverted little first-year!" he screeched.

"Hey, apparently it was mutual!" Sirius protested.

Suddenly, they were nose to nose, glaring at each other.

"Grimy, goblin-faced Gryffindor worm-"

"Slime-mold of Slytherin-"

"Gentlemen!" Dumbledore shouted, snapping them back to the present. He was still grinning happily. "You two do realize what this means?"

"Yes," Severus answered miserably, slumping into a chair. He glared at Sirius. "I'm stuck with you forever."

"Hey!" Sirius protested. "I'm stuck with you. I think I get the short end of this deal."

Severus looked deeply into his eyes and did something utterly amazing.

He smiled.