Love Potion HP

Chapter Five: Impossible To Fall

Sirius stared vaguely through kitchen window of Remus Lupin's small cabin. He saw trees, birds, people... nothing really. He was not looking for anything.

"...No, this is more than Harry," Remus continued, brushing an odd lock of his brown, gray-flecked hair from his face. He looked a bit hairier than normal, and Sirius knew what that meant. "I understand you're worried about Harry. I am, too. But you've been miserable the entire time you've been here."

He picked up his steaming goblet, took a sip, and made a face. "I'll never get used to the taste of this."

"Is it as bad as it looks?" Sirius asked.

"Worse," said Remus. "I have to admit, the apothecary doesn't make it as well as Severus did."

Severus... That infernal man had been plaguing his mind ever since he left Hogwarts. He was still angry about their last conversation. Severus had every reason to apologize to him- so why did he feel a need to make amends? Severus was at fault- why did he feel guilty?

Why did he feel anything? He had admitted to attraction, but that was not the same as emotion. Yes, he was attracted to Severus. He had forced himself to accept that, but surely he didn't... he couldn't...

"Sirius?" Remus inquired strangely.

He shook his head. "Mmm... what?"

Remus's visage revealed obvious concern. "You had a funny look on your face... the same kind you used to get around Emma Sinclair."

"Who?"

"You know, Emma. From school. You took her to the Yule Ball twice."

"Oh, yeah," Sirius replied, distracted.

"Sirius?" he asked tentatively. "You're not... in love with somebody? Are you?"

"What? No!" he snapped and immediately regretted it. "I'm sorry, Remus. I'm just feeling a little out of sorts."

"It's okay. I just wish you would tell me why," he said. He drained the last of his goblet.

"I really should head back to Hogwarts tonight..."

Remus nodded. "Probably a good idea. It's almost the full moon."

Sirius slumped over the table and said nothing. Then, a few moments later, he posed the question, "Do you think that love and hate can be the same thing?"

"Sounds like something Dumbledore would say."

"He did say it."

Remus folded his hands. "So who are you in hate with?"

"What?" he exclaimed. "I wasn't talking about me!"

Remus gave him a dubious look. "You've been morose and depressed ever since you arrived. I hate to say it, Sirius, but given your situation, you've picked a very bad time to fall in love."

He shuddered. "Oh, yuck. Remus... the mere suggestion-"

Remus regarded him very strangely. "Now I really wish you would explain."

But Sirius could not explain it to himself. There is no way... no possible way in the world...He could not say it; he could barely bring himself to think it.

I can't possibly be falling in love with Severus Snape.

* * *

October twenty-eighth, Sirius found himself drumming his fingers against the conference table in the headmaster's office. A single thought rattled through his brain so forcibly it had almost become a mantra.

I am NOT falling in love with Severus Snape.

He felt utterly disgusted that he had to remind himself.

Off to the side, Dumbledore gazed into his Pensieve. Tapping his wand against his temple, he drew a silver string from his brain and fed it into the basin. After finishing the thread of thought, he looked up and remarked cheerfully, "I expect Minerva and Severus will be arriving shortly."

Sirius shook his head. "Albus, why don't you think it's the Dark Arts? I believe you, but... but nothing else makes sense!"

"You are referring to yourself and Severus?"

"Yes!" he exclaimed.

Dumbledore smiled knowingly. "Sirius, love rarely makes sense."

"I am not in love with Severus Snape!" he hissed and instantly felt ashamed at his tone. "I'm sorry, Albus. I didn't mean to snap."

Dumbledore casually waved his hand as if brushing his offence aside. "It's quite alright. You're just getting used to the idea."

"I am not," Sirius reaffirmed, looking the headmaster square in the eye. "I admit I am attracted. I don't know why. I wish I wasn't. But I do not love- Almost every single teacher at Hogwarts gave me a detention one time or another for trying to punch in his nose! Does that sound like love?"

"Well, biting his nose is in a similar category as punching it," he remarked absentmindedly.

Sirius's eyes went wide. "How do you know-"

"I don't pry into your personal life, Sirius," he assured him. "But teeth do leave marks."

An airy, melodic chime suddenly rang through the office.

"Ah, that must be them now," said the headmaster.

Sirius nodded and rose from his seat. His wait was brief. A few moments later, McGonagall stepped into the room, greeting Dumbledore cordially. As a figure behind her began to emerge from the dim of the stairwell into the light, he closed his eyes and told himself, Alright, I'm attracted to Severus. I've admitted as much. But that doesn't mean I have to act on it. I just need a little more self control-

He felt heat on his eyelids. He lifted them to find Severus staring directly at him with a deep hatred brewing in dark cauldrons of his pupils. Hatred... and something else Sirius could not define. Similar emotions rushed through his own veins. He was overcome with the usual, intense loathing- and yet he felt in his heart a sudden, aching yearning.

This cannot be happening to me, he thought. I cannot be falling in love-

Then, he realized with striking clarity that it was impossible for him to fall into love. He was already there.

* * *

Why?

The word rolled through Sirius's mind the entire meeting.

Why? Why Severus? Why now? Why not years before? Why...

Who kissed whom on October first? he wondered again.

And why?

Slowly he rotated his eyes towards Severus. The Potions Master was already staring at him. He shot Sirius a quick, dismissive sneer and darted his own eyes away. But Sirius did not do the same. He allowed his gaze to linger. Severus's skin was sallow only in color. To the touch-

No, Sirius firmly chided himself. Fantasize on your own time, not Dumbledore's.

Oh, God. He was fantasizing about Severus Snape. Snape! Of all people!

Why wasn't he repulsed by the idea? Why did he suddenly find his predicament hysterically funny? He was in love with Severus Snape. He had just become the butt of the most gigantic cosmic joke he had ever encountered.

I must be going insane, he thought. I don't understand this at all.

Why?

* * *

Whether the meeting went by swiftly or slowly, Sirius had no recollection. He had lost all perception of time. When it was over, he found himself alone in the corridor with Severus- precisely where he wanted to be.

"Severus?" he inquired tentatively.

Severus turned and scowled with lukewarm disgust. Sirius had expected as much, but he still was immediately frustrated. Was a normal relationship so much to ask? Their history combined with Severus's personality made him suppose it was.

He took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry we left things the way we did. Forgive me?" He still felt that Severus had more to apologize for, but knew better than to expect it of him.

Severus replied with his usual half-sneer, "If you're going to apologize each time, it's going to become chronic."

Sirius decided to accept that as the equivalent of the response he would have preferred.

"Did you find your cure?" he asked anxiously.

Severus answered, "Unfortunately, no."

He nodded. "Honestly, I don't know if I'm upset or not. I really couldn't stop thinking about you-"

His words became awkward under Severus's cold glare. Sirius almost blushed. How stupid of him. Of course Severus did not feel the same; the only emotion they shared was hatred-

Then he caught it. A flicker of a feeling he never would have believed Severus capable of- yet clearly it was there. Suddenly, he felt very angry.

"Would you admit to something here?" he exclaimed. "I can't be the one to make all the compromises-"

"There is nothing to admit," said Severus.

"Your attitude is quite contrary to what we'll do tonight."

"If we do it."

"You know we will."

"Are you always this arrogant, Black?"

Sirius gritted his teeth. "I thought we agreed to stop playing mind games with each other. I thought we agreed to be frank," he reminded pointedly.

"I am being frank," Severus retorted, then turned away.

Sirius, his mouth still clenched, screamed at his departure. Why, why, why- of all people- had his deviant heart chosen Severus Snape?

* * *

Sirius scratched his paw against Severus's door. Would he let him in? Had he been serious outside Dumbledore's office, or just his usual self?

No, I am certain what I saw in his eyes...

The door swung open roughly. Severus looked down at him, startled. "Sirius," he whispered, then asked in his regular tone, "What do you want?"

Sirius interpreted this as an invitation as he couldn't very well tell Severus in dog form. He darted into the room and changed as Severus closed the door.

"What do you want?" he asked again. "You have no business here."

"We-"

"Need to talk?" Severus scowled. "About what? We have nothing to say."

"Yes, we do," Sirius insisted. "Don't you think we should try to be nice to each other?"

Severus squinted his eyes. "Are you ill?"

"No. Please stop being difficult!"

"Why? In case you have forgotten, I don't particularly like you," Severus said dryly.

"That's not the point!" Sirius shouted, then took a deep breath to calm himself. "Severus, we can't just have a relationship that's purely physical."

"Our relationship is purely physical," he retorted.

"Then it needs to change." He stepped towards him...

Fear sprung into Severus's eyes. He jumped back and in a panic exclaimed, "No, stay away! If you don't come near me, I can resist-"

"We made an agreement-"

"Damn the agreement!" he screamed. "It's a coward's agreement! I won't accept that I can't control this! I won't pretend I'd do it anyway! Don't you understand? Don't you hate me, Sirius?"

Do I? he wondered. "Of course. But I have to put that aside-" because my heart has already put that aside-

"No, you don't!"

"Severus, I thought it was the Dark Arts too!" he declared. "But after what Dumbledore said, I know it can't be. As bizarre, as twisted, as disgusting as it seems even to me, I must really-"

Severus slapped him. A strange rage was in his eyes as he reached for his wand. "Don't say it! Don't you dare-"

"I will! You need to hear it!" Sirius exclaimed. "You always mangle the truth to fit your own twisted misconceptions! Damn it, I HATE YOU! Do you think I want to LOVE YOU?"

"No!" Severus cried. The quality of his tone was awkward. He seemed to crumple under Sirius's gaze, but it was a brief moment of weakness. He straightened himself and with renewed fury he spat, "Love? You have no idea how many times these weeks I've gone over what happened in the Shrieking Shack a year and a half ago. If I had just acted sooner, I would I have had you. I could have sent you back to Azkaban!"

It was a petty retort to which Sirius contemptuously replied, "You have no idea what you're saying."

"You think I don't? Don't doubt me, Sirius! I could conjure a dementor to my side just to watch him kiss-"

Sirius' eyes became glassy. He was trapped in a memory of gray stretching twelve long years...

"No..." he spoke, not to Severus, but to a fragment of a nightmarish reality he had never forgotten.

"I would!" Severus whispered fervently. "Give me a reason. I swear I'll do it."

Almost the same words he had spoken a year and a half ago...

Why had he come here? How could he have been such a fool? Why did he feel any of what he had confessed?

"Goodbye," he said without tone.

"What?"

"It's over," Sirius said. He turned towards the door. Something inside him shattered and all he could think was, Why?

Severus shouted malevolently at his back, "Well, good! If I had known that was all it took, I would have said it sooner!"

Sirius opened the door. He wavered one moment, then changed into a dog. He supposed that was better. Dogs did not cry.