Love, Lies, and a Secret

Love, Lies, and a Secret

Chapter 12 - Confusion

Her lips were soft. Incredibly soft.

He wrapped his arms around her, letting his fingers get lost within her soft locks.

He had never even allowed himself to dream about her like this before; to have any thought towards her that weren't purely platonic.

He slowly parted his lips, daring to taste more of her, and timidly touched her lips with his tongue. His heartbeat became pleasantly faster when, with a small movement of her lips, she allowed him entrance.

But as soon as the kiss deepened, Harry felt Hermione pushing him away.

"Harry," she said, the emotions in her eyes looking like something between sadness and confusion, "no."

Why did I have to kiss her?

Instantly, that previous feelings of passion and excitement suddenly turned into strangled pain in his chest, a desperate desire to obtain the ability to relive that moment. So that this time, he wouldn't kiss her, and everything would go back to the way it had been.

What have I done?

His eyes bored into hers, begging wordlessly for some kind of forgiveness. His most primitive instincts wanted to kiss her again, to taste her again- to just forget who he was, who she was.

And for the brief moment, he wished that she wasn't his friend; that she wasn't Ron's girlfriend.

"Hermione-"

"You can't do this, Harry." Her voice sounded like a painful whisper. "You can't."

Harry reached up with his hand to touch her face gently, but Hermione shoved it away.

"You should go, Harry," she whispered, "please, go."

Merlin, he wanted to wrap his arms around her once again, and whisper into her ear that everything was going to be alright, that nothing would change.

But he couldn't.

He couldn't say anything.

Maybe he could tell her that it was a mistake. He could tell her that it was an accident, and that he was sorry. But it would be a lie. He wasn't sorry.

The young man stood up from the bed, and walked towards the door in silence.

Before opening the door, Harry turned around and his eyes met Hermione's once again.

"I-I can't say that I'm sorry... I-it would be a lie," he said quietly, and then left.

And as soon as the door closed, Hermione enfolded her arms around herself, and began to cry uncontrollably.

*~*~*~*

She didn't know how much time had passed, when a concerned Neville quietly entered the room.

"Hermione?" he asked gently. "Are you alright?"

She looked up at him, and shook her head wordlessly.

Neville nodded in understanding as he walked towards the bed and sat down on the edge.

"Hermione," he said, taking her hand into his, and squeezing it comfortingly, "I understand that I don't know you the same way that Harry and Ron do, but I think I could consider myself a friend."

"And you are, Nev. You are a great friend," she whispered quietly.

"So, can you tell me what happened?" he asked. "Harry didn't look well either."

"He kissed me," was all that she said, her eyes downcast.

Neville looked surprised for a brief moment, but quickly recovered. "I see." He sighed. "Did you like it?"

Hermione's head snapped at Neville, and she stared at him, a stunned expression upon her face. "I'm with Ron, Neville!" she cried indignantly. "And Harry is dating Ginny!"

"I know," he simply said, "But you didn't answer the question. Did you like it?"

"It doesn't matter if I liked it or not! I. Am. With. Ron!" She spoke the last sentence slowly, emphasizing each word.

"Of course it matters, Hermione!" Neville spoke firmly. "If it didn't matter, you wouldn't be crying! You wouldn't be feeling so lost!"

"But I'm not-" Hermione tried to argue, but Neville cut in.

"Harry finally did something you wanted to do for a while!" Neville exclaimed.

Hermione stubbornly looked away. "I-I don't know what are talking about, Neville," she said, though she was unable to keep the slight hesitation from her voice.

The former Gryffindor put his hands on her shoulders, squeezing them gently. "For Merlin's sake, Hermione!" he cried, his voice firm and strong, very different from the way it had been in their days at Hogwarts. "Stop pretending! Stop lying to yourself!"

Hermione gawked at him, considerably shocked, but didn't retaliate.

Seeing that she wasn't going to speak, Neville continued. "When was the last time you were truly happy, Hermione? The last time you laughed, or even smiled?"

Hermione was looking at him wide eyed. "I-I-" she stammered, not knowing really what to say. "But I am happy! My work-"

"I am not talking about your work and you know it." He gave her a small smile, though it was a sad one. "I am talking about your life; about how you have been neglecting yourself in name of-" He stopped for a moment, trying to find a fitting word or phrase to use in this situation. "-In name of 'what's right- what's supposed to be'."

Hermione opened her mouth to say something but Neville held up a hand, making her stop.

"Please, let me finish," he said.

She nodded in acceptance, though didn't cease to look as though she wanted to retaliate.

"I know that there was always this thing about you and Ron. I remember when we were in Hogwarts, and people began to bet about when you two would finally get together, and after Harry started to date Ginny, it got even worse. I remember that dinner at Ron's parents' house when Mrs. Weasley commented that soon you all would become a big and happy Weasley family. What she had said had made sense, after all it was what everyone was expecting, but time passed Hermione, and I know your feelings towards Ron had changed too, or better, you finally began to realize what your feelings really were."

Hermione let out a small sob.

"Every time I see you with him, Hermione, you look like you are trapped, forced in a situation you clearly are barely standing."

"Nev, you are being a little too harsh," she tried to reason. "Yes, Ron and I bick-"

"No! No, Hermione!" He cried. "We- you- aren't in Hogwarts anymore! We aren't teenagers anymore. What was just flirting when you were fifteen... now it's-" He paused in his slight frustration, taking a deep breath. "You are an amazing person, Hermione. I can't count how many times you've made me smile, because of the passion you have for your work, and to learn new things and help others. I'll probably never have time enough in my life to thank you for everything you did for me, and that's why I am begging you to be happy." He smiled at her. "This kiss may be the best thing that has ever happened to you."

"Best thing?" Hermione interrupted indignantly. "Best thing?!"

Neville gazed at her, nodding his head lightly. Hermione couldn't help but think that he was spending too much time with Luna Lovegood. "Yes, Hermione, the best thing. This kiss has forced to you to face these deep feelings that you are hiding inside."

Hermione looked at him, and the tears began to fall again.

"And you know I am not talking about Ron."

*~*~*~*

Grimmauld Place

The Kitchen

Harry was sitting at the kitchen's table, absentmindedly drinking a Butterbeer, while his eyes stared blankly at the counter.

He didn't know how much time he had been there, and truly, he didn't care. He just didn't want to go home; he simply couldn't face Ron. He wasn't even sure if he could ever face Ron again.

Harry had always considered himself a trustworthy friend, a trustworthy man; always thinking about his friends before himself, always trying to do the right thing. But now- he didn't know anymore.

"Harry?" Remus' voice brought Harry back to reality. He looked up at his former teacher.

"Are you alright?" asked Remus.

"No," was Harry's short reply. He lowered his gaze, and then took another sip of his Butterbeer.

Shaking his head slightly, Remus took a seat beside Harry. His eyes wandered over Harry's features for a few seconds, and he could easily see that the young wizard was troubled; it was like a shadow of angst was penetrating his eyes.

"Harry," Remus spoke quietly, touching Harry's shoulder, "What happened?"

Without looking at Remus, Harry replied in an almost inaudible voice, "I kissed her, Remus."

Remus blinked twice not quite understanding what Harry meant. "Um, kissed who? Ginny? But she's your girlfriend-" he asked, sounding very confused.

"Hermione." Harry looked briefly at Remus before returning his gaze to his Butterbeer.

"Oh."

Harry's head snapped back to Remus, as he stared flabbergasted at his former teacher.

"What do mean oh?" he asked annoyed. "I kissed Hermione! Hermione!"

The old Marauder took a deep breath. "What happened?" he asked, and Harry began to tell the story.

"...a-and then she told me to leave!" Harry held up his arms into the air. "She just looked at me - and - and -" He stopped.

"And what Harry?"

"She said I shouldn't have done that." He buried his face in his hands, breathing deeply.

"Harry, look at me," Remus' voice was low but firm. Harry raised his head, and looked at him, his green eyes filled with confusion. "Why did you kiss her?"

"I don't know," was his honest, though desperate sounding, answer.

"What do you think of Hermione?"

"She's my best friend. So, obviously I like her and-"

Remus groaned in exasperation. "For Merlin's sake, Harry! I am asking you what you feel for Hermione! And please don't give me this bullshit about friendship! That's not what I am asking you, you know that very well!"

"I know, Lupin!" Harry spat, slightly angrily. "I know what you asked me! And my answer is- I don't know!" He ran a hand through his messy hair. "I don't know," he repeated, this time in a whisper. "It's just so confused, you know? It's not that I am in love with her-"

At this, Remus smirked knowingly, but didn't say anything.

"I-I don't know what came over me- I just needed to kiss her! I- Argh, Remus! Even before this bloody kiss I couldn't stop to think about her, and- and-"

"And what, Harry?"

"And now the only thing I want is to kiss her again!" Harry cried in exasperation. "I know I should think of Ron - Merlin, he's my best friend and...Ginny...and...I don't know what to do, Remus."

"Yes, you do know." Remus looked pointedly at him. "You know very well what you have to do. And you also know this has nothing to do with what happened between you and Hermione."

Harry closed his eyes briefly, opening them again a moment later. "I can't, Remus."

"No, Harry, you can- and you have to!" Remus said firmly. "Of course there will be tears, and broken hearts, but nothing that time won't heal."

"Remus, the Weasleys-"

"The Weasleys are a wonderful family but this is your life, Harry! I've seen you with Ginny, and- and all I can see is-"

"Friendship," Harry spoke for him. "I really liked her. Romantically speaking, I mean. Our time together in my sixth year was great, and even when we started to see each other again soon after the Final Battle- but then, I don't know how to explain it, but...the enchantment of our relationship... it's just broken. I don't know what happened."

"You grew up, Harry. You started to realize that your infatuation for Ginny was just that- an infatuation. You have to talk to her, Harry. You have to, before your life and hers become miserable because of this. I know you care about her, but that only gives you all the more reasons to be honest - to give her a chance to move on."

Harry nodded; he knew that Remus was right, but that didn't make anything easier.

"As for Hermione," Remus continued, a small grin on his face, "I can't say what she's feeling or thinking, even if I had a guess, but you two also need to talk- and not only about this kiss but everything else." Remus didn't specify what exactly everything meant, but Harry understood.

"She probably hates me now," Harry muttered gloomily.

Remus couldn't help but roll his eyes. "She doesn't hate you," he assured the young wizard. "She's confused for sure, but she could never hate you." He looked at Harry, and bit his bottom lip lightly. "And today wasn't the best day to decide to kiss her either."

Harry glared at him.

"She's been through a lot these past hours, and- I think she also needs to take care of some personal issues."

"You know what's funny, Remus? I am confused as hell, yeah, but I don't feel sorry. I don't feel sorry because I know deep inside that I haven't been thinking of Hermione as only a friend for a while. I tried to deny it, to forget, but- I couldn't." He took a sip of his drink. "I also can't say that I don't feel a little like a traitor. Ron, after all-"

Remus interrupted him. "Sorry, Harry, but Ronald doesn't deserve her," he said gravely.

"He loves her, Remus."

"Does he?" Remus asked, somewhat rhetorically. "Ron is a good man, a good wizard, but the way he treats Hermione-" He shook his head, grimly. "I have no doubt that he truly cares about her, but love? Love isn't the way to describe what is between the two of them."

"I know, but she's still his girlfriend."

"Yes, she is," Remus agreed, "she is."

*~*~*~*

The next day, a bit before 9:00 AM, Harry went to the clinic in hopes of speaking with Hermione before she left to her parents' house. He knew that the train to Winchester was to leave the Platform at 12:30 PM, which would give him enough time to at least try and explain.

However, when he arrived, Harry had the unpleasant surprise of discovering that Hermione had taken an earlier train.

On his way back to the Ministry, Harry couldn't help but think that maybe Remus was wrong.

Maybe, Hermione did hate him.

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