VoldeFest!

5. Just the Facts

The fanfare returned, accompanying an aerial view of the Quidditch pitch.

"The big day is finally here!" Jim said. "Welcome back to day three of American MuggleVision's coverage of the twenty-fifth annual VoldeFest! Brought to you by The Weaving Wand Yarn Shop--'knit one, pearl two, then transfigure the rest' and Filch's Discipline Hut--'never miss the screaming again.' I'm Jim Brawny, here one last time with Summer Legsaplenty. Yes, this is it. The grand finale of the festival is almost upon us."

"That's right, Jim. All other events are wrapping up. Arthur Weasley, as predicted, has won the Magically Enhanced Muggle Contraption competition for the tenth year in a row. This year's winning entry was a ceiling fan that doubles as a set of helicopter blades strong enough to lift the entire house. That sure might come in handy if your house is about to flood. Or for when you want to save on airfare."

"It sure would. Hogwarts' own Minerva McGonagall, riding a red and gold berber wall-to-wall, was declared winner of the Magic Carpet Race. And Best in Show in the Animagus competition went to Diagon Alley merchant Elvira Mayflower for her Puffin form. A rare one, indeed."

"That's right, Jim. A toucan almost took the crown. This was certainly the year of the strange bird."

"Indeed it was, Summer. Indeed it was. And now for the results of this year's Potter-Spotting, let's turn to Ava Lane. Welcome to the table, Ava."

"Thank you, Jim. Good to be here. Well, I'm not surprised to find that Harry Potter was spotted no less than six thousand, five hundred and eighty-three and a half times."

"A half?" Jim asked.

"Yes, it seems one man claimed to have seen Potter in ghost form. So we gave him a half."

"Fair enough, I suppose," Jim said.

"Exactly. Between Friday and early this morning, Harry Potter was most frequently spotted on the roof of one of the greenhouses, atop the Astronomy Tower, riding the Giant Squid, flying around the Quidditch pitch, sleeping in the bed of each of the women (and twelve men) who reported this particular location, in the men's room, in the ladies' room, and disguised as a Grim Reaper pointing at Muggles."

"Amazing," Jim said.

"That's right, Jim," Summer said.

Ava continued. "Yes, and according to our calculations, Harry Potter was in two places at once nine hundred and eighty-five times, three places at once seven hundred and twenty-one times, four places at once three hundred and ninety-seven times, and in the case of those women (and twelve men) and their beds, four hundred and thirty-nine places at once one time."

"What kind of potion is he on? Heh heh!"

"That's right, Jim," Summer said. "I hope he has enough energy left for the battle!"

"Oh, don't worry," Ava said. "He was also spotted in the Infirmary Pavilion one hundred and six times. He has to be in tip-top shape after all that."

"Let's hope so," Jim said. "Because it's almost time. Let's go to Trip Argyle on the pitch for some pre-battle comments. Trip?"

"Thanks, Jim," Trip said from the edge of the pitch. "Yes, the big day is finally upon us. Witches, wizards, and Muggles alike are starting to enter the stands, getting their last minute snacks and what not before getting to their seats. Standing here with me is Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts. Thanks for joining us, Professor Dumbledore."

"Beautiful day for a battle, isn't it, Mr. Argyle? Lemon drop?" He held up a small glass candy dish.

"No thank you, sir. I never eat during interviews anymore. Sir, you know Harry Potter better than most. What do you think he will do today?"

"Oh, Harry will no doubt come up with something fascinating for all to enjoy. Tootsie Roll?" The contents of the dish were transfigured.

"No, no thank you. But can you give us a hint of what he might do? It must be hard for him to top last year, when he apparated himself and Voldemort to a busy London highway, where Voldemort was run over by a hexed beer truck. And that screen that appeared in the pitch so we could all see it? Fantastic! Any ideas?"

"Oh, Harry never shares his plans. Gummi Bear?"

Trip shook his head. "Surely he dropped a hint or two for you. Maybe another vat of Face-Melting Brain Leeches? Transfigure Voldemort into a dragon treat with a hungry dragon conveniently nearby again? Though the digestive problems it caused that poor dragon were unpleasant to witness, to say the least." Trip's eyes narrowed. He was in full reporter mode now. "Surely Potter trusts you, doesn't he, Professor?"

"Goober?"

"No. Tell me, Professor, have you and Potter had some kind of falling out? Is that why he steadfastly refuses to tell you a thing?"

"Cream puff? You are hungry, Mr. Argyle," Dumbledore said, directing the twinkle into Trip's eyes.

"Oh, fine." He took one and bit into it. He chewed. And chewed. And chewed. Each time he swallowed, more pastry filled his mouth. "Mmmf!"

"You're welcome, Mr. Argyle. Enjoy your Never-Enough Cream Puff. And remember, Weasley's Wizard Wheezes. They take both owl and mail orders. Enjoy the battle, Mr. Argyle." With one final twinkle, Dumbledore disapparated.

"Mmmf ymm, jmmm!" Trip said.

Jim shifted uncomfortably. "It looks like we won't be getting a preview today."

"That's right, Jim. But not to worry, live coverage of the Epic Battle between Harry Potter and the Self-Styled Dark Lord is only minutes away. Right here on American MuggleVision."

Jim nodded. "And it all begins right after these messages."