Cold Water

Cold, cold water surrounds me now.

And all I've got is your hand.

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Or am I lost?

It was amazing how alone a person could be in amongst a sea of people. Even when there were people all around, how funny it was that still someone could feel isolated. Could feel aimless. If you were to say it to someone they would probably think the feeling was illogical - how could you possible be alone if there was always someone beside you? But somehow, he'd always managed to feel like that. Like he was almost invisible in amongst the crowd - like no one else could see him. Like everyone else was in colour while he was the only person walking about in monotone. It was strange and lonely - but he'd got used to it. He'd had to, there was nothing else he could do when he was growing up. If you spent enough time on your own, you ended up almost embracing the loneliness, the isolation, the privacy. You could have friends, you could see people, talk to them - but they would never understand you. They would never know how alone a person could be underneath the exterior. And that suited him - he didn't want to talk about the things that were causing his isolation. They were private after all and he didn't want to burden anyone else with that.

But, as he had got older, things had been different. He'd grown up and eventually he began to feel like there could have been something else. Like he could belong to a group, a family. They weren't a real family of course, they were just the group of people he'd been lucky enough to have been in school with, but they were the closest thing Neville Longbottom had ever really had as one and he loved them - but it still wasn't real. Not really. He had friends, but he sometimes thought that it had meant more to him than it did to them.

He ran his hand through his hair as the rain continued to pound against the window. The noise of each drop against the glass helped him regulate his breathing as he closed his eyes. He had always wanted to belong, but he had never wanted to feel this. He hadn't known that anything could hurt as much as he was hurting at that moment, and he couldn't help but wonder if he had kept feeling alone, if he had kept himself private, if he had been a bit more careful, the pain wouldn't be as pronounced. Maybe...

But he would have missed so much then. And he wouldn't have missed that for the world.

He sniffed and rubbed his weary eyes as he looked around the room and sighed. How could he go from such complete happiness to this? He had been so lucky, so blessed - he supposed the law of averages said that it couldn't possibly last. His previous life, happy but lonely had changed almost overnight and it had been down to her. She meant everything to him and, for some reason, he had meant everything to her. He didn't know why, but somehow she had loved him as much as he had loved her and finally he had thought he had belonged. He thought he had it all. He thought he had found his anchor - the person who would keep him from drifting alone through life.

He didn't 'think' that in fact, he knew he had found it and he had built his life around that knowledge. And look what it had done to him...

"Lavender, come on - I know you can do this. I know you can because...because you're strong. You're stronger than they think you are - I know you can do this! I know it..."

He reached over to the bed and took the limp hand in his and squeezed it - trying to squeeze life into it. How had this happened?

How had he went from being alone, to being completely happy and complete, to facing being on his own again? Where was the justice in that?

Part of him wanted to leave the room - let the inevitable happen where he couldn't see it. If he didn't see it, it meant it didn't happen. If he didn't know he could believe that things were fine. That she was asleep. That her chest was still moving up and down as oxygen filled her lungs. That she would wake and tell him off for letting her sleep.

Lavender would do that, he thought with a smile. She would wake up and without batting an eyelid and would start chastising him for something or other - usually for looking too pensive or worried. She always used to complain that he took things too seriously.

She would definitely think he was taking this too seriously. 'It's only a bump on the head, Neville. A little nothing curse and a bump on the head - stop worrying. Just don't let them shave my head when they're fixing me up - it took me ages to grow it and I want to wear it down at Parvati's wedding. Because if they mess up my hair then they'll see some real injuries.'

He smiled involuntarily as the imaginary voice talked to him. Yes, she would be thinking that right about now. If she was awake she would even be saying it. She would have had a hard time dealing with the fact that they had cut some of her hair off - but, he supposed he could have pretended that they hadn't and then just got Hermione to use a hair growing charm on it when she was sleeping and she wouldn't know the difference. If only she would wake up and he could put his plan into action. "Come on. I've got it all planned now - you can wake up now. I know how to fix things now. You just need to wake up and see how smart I've been." He gave a weak laugh as he wrapped his fingers around hers, the matching gold bands on both of their fingers rubbing together. "I'll tell you about it if you wake up now. If not, I'm going to have to do it without you knowing and I'll just end up making your hair too short or too long or something. And you don't want that...it took you ages to grow it. So...so if you don't want me to screw it up you need to wake up now. Please...please. Show them that they're wrong and I'm right...show them that you can hear me. Wake up."

Love one's daughter,

Allow me that.

And I can't, let go, of your hand.

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Or am I lost?

She watched him through a haze as he sat there whispering and talking. He sounded so far away from her and as she watched he seemed to drift further and further from her grasp. How could she be stood beside him as she lay on the bed as well? Why couldn't she feel the warmth of his hand? Why was everything turning so fuzzy? She knew of course, she felt it pulling her away. She knew she wouldn't be there that much longer and she was desperately clinging to him, clinging to them. She wasn't ready to go yet. She wasn't ready...

Lavender Longbottom had never considered herself a strong person - it seemed more luck than anything else that had got her into Gryffindor. She didn't have endless reserves of courage or determination - she was just the way she was. She stood up for what she believed in but she never went out of her way to prove that she was brave. That's maybe why she was finding it so hard to accept what was happening and knowing that she would have to do it alone.

She looked at him as he held the hand of her body. How strange a concept was that? Her body on the bed, her brain or her soul or whatever she was now, was standing beside it. How did that work? It seemed surreal - the thought that two versions of her were existing and neither could communicate with him. It was surreal and cruel.

She sighed, although she wasn't sure if she actually could sigh in this weird plane of non-existence she was in. Perhaps her body sighed for her. She rubbed her head - what was happening was very confusing. So many possibilities, so little time and too little desire to do anything that involved leaving his side. Perhaps this was the moment when people found the clarity that they needed before they died. The last few minutes of life where they could find the answers to the questions that had plagued them in life. Perhaps it wasn't normal and she was the only person who had ever felt this. Or, perhaps she wasn't even there - perhaps she was still on the bed and just imagining what was going on and her imagination conjuring the pictures in her head in a last effort to let her see his face and hear his voice.

"You have to get better though - I mean you have to be Parvati's Maid of Honour. She won't be happy if you miss it and you know she'll sulk and you'll never hear the end of it. Remember when you missed the bridesmaid fitting and she complained because she was stuck with Seamus's sister, his mum, Padma and her mum and they all kept on at her to pick these ugly robes and she blamed you because you were supposed to be her ally when she suggested cream robes with the pinky coloured trim or something..." Neville said, almost chattily. Almost acting like he was talking to her, maybe trying to spark her into conversation. How much she wished she could have a conversation with him.

Lavender smiled as she looked at him. "I remember that. I was late getting out of work and didn't show up until after they had chosen robes...she was going to kill me."

"She blamed you because they had pressurised her to go for really red robes and she hadn't wanted that. I think she still brings that up doesn't she...so," he whispered over the top of her words that she knew he couldn't hear. "You don't want her to have another thing to keep bringing up. So you have to wake up."

She clenched her eyes shut. She wished she could wake up. She wished it more than anything. She bent down and looked at Neville as he kept his eyes on her hand. How had it happened? How had he fallen in love with her?

"Neville - I wish I could wake up. But I can't. I...there's nothing left. I think I'm probably going to...leave...tonight. And I know you can't hear me. I know you can't, even though, even though I need you to hear me. I'm sorry that you have to feel this..."

Again he began talking over the top of her. "You know what I was thinking as well? I was thinking that after you wake up that we could maybe go some place. Some place really nice. I know we can't really afford it but I think we have some money in the bank and it's not doing anything just now so we could go somewhere really nice. Like...like Mexico! You always wanted to go there. I don't know Spanish but I'll learn before we go. Okay, realistically I probably won't learn before we go but I'll try and learn before we go! It'll be fun! So - we'll get a portkey and we'll go there. Unless you want to stay with the Muggles - which is a bit more complicated..." He pursed his lips as he thought for a second. "But we can decide all that when you wake up. We could even go somewhere else if you want. We could even go on one of those things that fly in the sky - you know, the things Muggles use? A...an airy-plane? Something like that...we could use that. You always wanted to use that... We'll go on one of them when you wake up."

She knew she shouldn't have felt the pain in her chest then, but she knew it was there. She wasn't strong enough to watch this. She wasn't strong enough to watch him hurt like this. Why was this happening to them? "Oh Neville, you have to let it go. It won't work - it can't work,"she whispered. "Please God, please don't let him hurt too badly."

He had been through so much and she was adding to his pain. Why couldn't he be happy for a while? Why did everything always have to turn out so badly for him? He deserved so much better.

She felt the haziness increase as his voice seemed to drift further away again. She struggled against it fighting desperately to stay by his side, wishing she could feel his hand holding hers so tight. Knowing that if she let go, he would be alone and in so much pain and that he wouldn't be able to help him.

"I know you can't hear me, but listen to me Neville. I love you so much. So much... I wish...I wish I could stay with you, but I can't. I have to go, but before I do I had to say something. I know you don't hear me but I know you'll remember this - I know it! So you listen to me Neville Longbottom - I do not want you crying over me! I don't want you hurting so you have to let the others help you! You've not to deal with this on your own becauae you will need their help and they'll need yours. You have...you have to be strong and you have to let me go. You have to say goodbye..." she paused for a second before continuing. "I will not be amused if I think you're dwelling on this for too long. In fact I will give...I will give you such an ear bashing if you do. Even if I can only do it in your dreams - I'll be there and I'll do it. I will, so you have to get over it or else I'll be really, really, really mad. And make sure Seamus looks after Parvati - I...I expect you two to look after her for me because she needs you all. I love you so much. So much and I wish, I wish more than anything you could know that and hear me. I'll always be here with you, but...but I have to go now. I'm so sorry..."

She almost felt the tears streaming down her face, even though she knew it was impossible. She had so much she wanted to say but she couldn't. Everything was drifting out of focus and despite her best intentions she knew that it was pointless to try and fight it anymore. She had to let him go, so with a final glance at the pale figure she stopped fighting the blissful haze and let it take her away.

Cold, cold water surrounds me now.

And all I've got is your hand.

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Lord, can you hear me now?

Or am I lost?

He bent his head down and squeezed her hand. He knew it had happened. He almost felt her leave before it had got so quiet. There was no sound in the room save the beating rain on the window and of his own breathing and he knew. He felt her hand cool down in the minutes that followed yet still he couldn't bring himself to look up. He didn't want to dwell on it because he knew that if he did, if he did look up and see her, he would realise that his anchor had gone and that must have meant he was adrift again. And he didn't want to be adrift, not now. Not without her there to guide him back.

"I can't do it on my own anymore..." he whispered in a plea to God. "Please don't let her be gone. Please send her back - I need her here. Can you hear me? If you can, please give me her back. I need her more than you do..."

He knew he wouldn't get a reply and he knew it was in vain but he had to try. He bent down and kissed her hand before slowly putting it on the bed. He stood up and walked away towards the door, not even sure he knew what he was going to do. He took a deep breath as he walked to the door, opened it and, without a word to any of their family or their friends sat there, walked straight past them and out the front door into the pounding rain.

He walked until he came to a bench where he sat down and stared straight ahead. His head was having a hard time coming to terms with the emotions his heart was feeling and as a result he wasn't entirely sure what he was supposed to do. Was he supposed to cry? Was he supposed to stay strong for the others? He sat there in silence for more than an hour, trying to work out everything in his own head. But he couldn't, he couldn't think clearly enough to work anything out.

"Ne...Neville?"

He turned his head to see Parvati standing there, tears streaming down her face as well as the rain. "Parvati."

She walked over to him and sat down and looked at him for a second before wrapping her arms around him. "We're here for you. You don't have to do this on your own. We're here. We'll get through it."

He let Parvati hug him as she tried to keep her own voice steady and he felt tears form in his own eyes. As she pulled away he wiped his eyes. "Thanks, Parvati."

She shook her head and a fresh batch of tears fell. "Why are you thanking me? You're my friend as well - I'm not going to lose the two of you tonight. I need all the friends I can get - especially...especially now. Don't shut us out - come back in the house."

He looked at her as she looked longingly towards the house where her fiancé was standing at the door. "I just...I don't know if I can..." he said simply. "I don't think I can face it."

She looked at him and wiped her eyes resolutely as she took a deep breath and tried to control her breathing. "Okay then," she whispered. "I'll sit here with you then until you are ready to go in."

"You don't have to..."

She gave a watery smile then. "I know, but Lavender would be giving me such a lecture if she knew I left you sitting out here on your own. I'm not brave enough...to...to annoy her. She'd probably...probably get some ghost to haunt me on my...honeymoon or something."

Neville nodded his head as he felt a small smile play on his lips. "She'd give me such an ear-bashing - even if it was just in my dreams..." he whispered to himself, the words sounding familiar for some reason. He looked up at the clouds and gave a laugh before wiping the tears that were now seeping from the corners of his eyes. "She would be so annoyed at me right now."

Parvati shook her head but he interrupted her. "She would - because she didn't want me dwelling on things and dealing on my own - and I'm doing both. It just...it hurts...it hurts so much and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't...I don't want to let anyone down and I don't...I don't know how I'm supposed to move on or arrange anything. I don't...I don't know how to do it."

She wiped her eyes as she took his hand. "You'll do it because...because you have to. And we - me, Seamus, Dean, Hannah, Harry - everyone, we'll do everything we can to get you through this. You're not on your own - we're here and we have to stick together now. You're not alone in this and I need to know that you know that."

He turned and looked at Parvati, her black hair stuck to her head and Seamus's jacket that she was wearing draped over her shoulders, despite it being too large for her. Did he know what she was saying? Did he believe what she was saying? He'd lost everything - how could he possibly not be alone? Didn't she realise that he'd always been alone until he met Lavender? Surely that meant he was still on his own now that Lavender was gone? But he knew that Lavender had given him something else. He had always thought that she had been his anchor, but now he knew, she had been his port. She had brought him in to dry land where other people were there with him. He wasn't isolated because she had built him a foundation and he hadn't even notice her do it. He hadn't noticed until it was too late to thank her for it. He smiled slightly as he imagined what she would be saying now. 'I didn't build you a foundation, Neville. You built it yourself - it didn't have anything to do with me. Although I will take credit for surrounding you with good people that you couldn't help but fall in love with. Although I guess the sorting hat might take some of that credit as well...ah well, we'll call it a tie.'

He laughed, he could still hear her voice so clearly, like she was still with him. But she wasn't and he had to accept that, and that meant he had to see her. He had to tell her everything, he had to say thank you and that he was sorry. But most of all he had to let her go.

"Neville?"

He took a deep breath and nodded his head as he turned to Parvati. He had to let them help. "I know I'm not alone, I didn't but I think I know now. I...I think we should go in. I need to say goodbye..."

~Fini~