Starlight and Desperation

Ginny gritted her teeth, willing the tears not to come. She could feel them in her eyes, burning, about to spill down her face. But she would not let them! She would not! She would not let Harry see what he had done to her. She had always known that he didn't love her, she had known it for years, that is why she had told herself so many times she was over him, she had moved on, she had begun to date other guys. But somewhere, somewhere deep inside of her had never given up, some part still expected, still longed. Harry had always been kind to her, not because he loved her, but because he was a kind person, and she hated him for it, or wished she did, she could never really hate Harry. This kindness had allowed her to hope, it had fed her inner desire, and allowed it to dream, hope and expect. It was what she had needed to fuel her fantasies, and he had given it to her, because that's the kind of person he was. But now the hope was gone, she knew it now.

Ginny forced her lips into what she hoped looked like a smile. It didn't feel like one at all, it was some odd movement of the face, stretching her cheeks to bear her teeth at them. She wanted to say something, something to sound like she didn't mind, like she was happy for them, but she knew that if she opened her mouth the great sob that was welling up inside her would escape, and she wouldn't let it.

"Gin," said Harry reaching up a hand towards her, a worried look in his eyes. Somehow she managed to shake her head, still with that painful act of smiling, and hold up a hand, and then she turned and walked blindly out of the room.

As soon as she was out of their sight she started to run. She didn't know where to at first, all she knew was that she wanted to get away from there as quickly as she could. She had been lying awake in her bed, reading, when she had heard someone down in the common room. She knew from the sounds he made that it was Harry; she knew the way he walked, the way he moved. And that hopefulness inside her had taken over, and she had gone down to the common room, hoping perhaps that if they were alone, maybe they would talk, and perhaps... but no, she shoved those thoughts from her mind.

When she had entered the common room she had found that Harry was not alone, someone was with him, a girl- Hermione. He had been holding her in his arms, they had not been kissing or anything, but the way he looked at her had been even more painful than if they had been. He had been looking at Hermione with adoring eyes, full of devotion and love. It was the way that Ginny had always dreamed he would look at her.

She had reached the door to the bottom of the astronomy tower now. She knew it was off limits but she needed desperately to go somewhere and to be alone, to be in the fresh air, and let out the sobs that were welling up in her chest.

She climbed the stairs quickly, hardly noticing the strain in her leg muscles, trying desperately to banish the image from the common room from her mind. Then she reached the door and opened it to the brilliant night. It was early spring, and the night was warm and fresh, with just a hint of winter briskness left in the air. The sky above her was a deep inky black, full of bright silver stars, scattered thickly in the sky. The moon was full and golden, and seemed so close. She walked closer to the edge of the tower staring at the sky, warm tears streaming down her face. Then she stopped abruptly, she was not alone after all, there was someone lying down only feet away from her, staring up in the sky. He had not seen her yet, and she was lucky she had seen him. He was dressed in all black, and his lean frame nearly blended in with the dark stone underneath him, if it hadn't been for his light hair, she might have missed him completely.

****

Draco stared up at the brilliant sky above him, feeling anger and confusion course through him in waves. He didn't know what to do anymore, didn't know who to trust, who to turn to. No one, said the cold voice inside his head, the voice that had guided his life until now. You're a Malfoy and a Slytherin. You do not need anyone. Most of him believed this, and knew that his pride would not allow him to turn to anyone. It was almost comical, even to him, to imagine Draco Malfoy, the cold, proud Slytherin crying into a shoulder, telling some faceless form all his troubles, all his indecision.

All he had ever known was the dark arts, to serve the dark lord. Everyone he had ever looked up to, had been like that, his father was consumed with it. But lately, as he'd turned sixteen there was a part of him that was beginning to question it. He hated that part and wanted it to get out of his way, so he could follow his family, serve the dark lord like he had been born to do. But it refused, and now he was confused, and angry at himself, and the world.

He had come up here just to be alone, and try to think, but now that he was up here in the brilliant moonlight, staring at the silver stars shining out against the dark sky, he found that alone was the last thing he wanted to be. But did he have much of a choice? No, of course not. Who could he go to? One corner of his mouth curled up in a grim smile as he thought of himself going to Crabbe or Goyle and telling them that he was feeling confused and alone and didn't know what to do anymore, didn't know if it was right to follow Voldemort and give his life over to the dark side, then having them pat his back and tell him everything would be alright.

Suddenly Draco tensed, the door opened, someone was on the tower with him. He stayed where he was, unmoving, they didn't think he knew they were there, they would see him, then leave. He heard footsteps and the door open once again. They were leaving. Then suddenly, without any warning, Draco turned around and spoke, surprising himself as much as the girl on the balcony with him.

****

Ginny was turning to go, she wouldn't be alone here. A boy was here, Draco Malfoy. He wouldn't want her here, she knew that. She would open the door and escape without him ever knowing she had been there. Then, catching her completely off guard and making her jump, he turned around and put out a hand "Wait!" he said, "Don't go."

After the shock of his voice and sudden movement wore off, a new shock and awe had taken over. The boy who was turned to her, asking her to stay, was beautiful. She had never noticed it before. She realized suddenly that she couldn't remember ever seeing his face without some kind of sneer or malice on it. But now those silver gray eyes looked at her, full of desperation and pleading, so like the look she knew was on her own face. His silver hair and pale skin stood out against the black sky and black clothing. His hair was fine, and soft and fell delicately in his eyes, brushing his light face with silver. His cheekbones were high and proud, his face was so perfectly shaped. Imprinted against the black sky filled with stars he looked unreal, some kind of immortal being, an angel perhaps, but a fallen one.

****

Draco stared, he felt the desperation in his face, and was ashamed of it, but the damage was done, he could not take it back now. The girl was Ginny Weasley, a Gryffindor fifth year, he couldn't recall ever talking to her before but she was a friend of Harry Potter's and therefore he had never liked her. But now she stood in the moonlight, her long, dark red hair filled with the golden light of the moon, cascading down the back of her white nightgown. Her eyes were wide as she stared at him, her long lashes casting shadows against her tear stained cheeks. He could not tell what she was thinking, besides the obvious surprise; her soft lips were parted slightly as she stared at him. He suddenly wished more than anything that she would stay. And then his heart jolted as she took a slow step forward.

****

Ginny didn't know what she was doing. The logical part of her was telling her to turn now and flee down the steps, but she couldn't, not when those silver eyes reflecting the stars were staring at her with such pleading. And without telling herself to, she had begun to walk forward. He moved as well, standing in one smooth, catlike motion. He reached a hand towards her and she took it. Feeling the warmth of his fingers against her skin. It was suddenly like she had known him her entire life and longer.

He drew her close to him, and she went willingly. Her face reached to his chest, it was hard and sturdy against her cheek. She could feel the warmth of him on her face through the expensive black fabric. Then she looked up at his face, struck again by the sheer beauty of it. He was like some forbidden object, some dark, but beautiful, immaculate thing she was by some miracle being allowed to touch. But she felt wanted as well, needed more like, and his eyes were full of adoring passion as he looked down at her.

Then he kissed her. It was the most frightening, most exhilarating, and most wonderful thing of her life all at once. Every fiber of her being stood on end, seeming to be humming with some kind of need, pleasure and fear. Feeling his mouth on hers his hands in her hair. Feeling the hardness of his back, the silkiness of his hair, and the smoothness of the skin on his neck and face, under her delighted fingers, was like descending to some new, glorious world, alien and frightening, but so beautiful and delightful at he same time. Ginny had been kissed before, by Michael Corner, by Dean, and by Seamus as well, and they had been nice, pleasant, and fun, but nothing like this. She had always thought that she would feel the kind of kiss she read about in books when Harry kissed her, but now he never would, and now it didn't matter.

She couldn't explain what passed between them there, under the stars, but some sort of deep understanding had been created. It had been prompted, no doubt, by their mutual need, but perhaps by more than that as well. Despite what caused it, Ginny felt like she had her best friend in the world in her arms that night. Like no one could ever understand her more, and she would never again, know anyone so deeply. If they had sat up there for hours talking they couldn't have reached the mutual understanding and contentment that they had.