If You Were Gay

If You Were Gay

- By SuishouTenshi

Harry Potter plopped down on his four poster bed with Quidditch Through the Ages in hand. He had just about memorized the entire book by this point, but it was Easter break, and his friends had all left for home, even Hermione. Ron had gone down to the kitchens for a grub, and Harry was extremely bored.

He opened the book to a marked page that accounted the history of the Snitch, one of his favorite topics and began to read to his leisure.

"Ah, an afternoon alone with my favorite book, no roommates to bother me," Harry pondered with a smile, "how could it get any better than this?"

Suddenly the dorm door opened and a flushed Ron entered.

"Oh, hi, Harry!" Ron said with furrowed brows. The redhead seemed to be contemplating something.

"Hi, Ron."

Ron paced in front of Harry's bed for a few minutes before finally sitting down near Harry's feet.

"Hey, Harry, you'll never guess what happened to me in the corridors just now! Zacharias Smith stopped me and was smiling at me and talking to me and touching my shoulder and ..."

"That's very interesting, Ron," Harry commented absent-mindedly.

"No, I'm serious, he was being real friendly... I think he was coming on to me! I think he might've thought I was gay!"

This caught Harry's attention. He coughed and took his eyes off the book and finally noted with half amusement and half wonder that Ron's face was quite red.

"Ahem... So, uh, why are you telling me this? Why should I care? I don't care. Why should I care that someone's gay? What did you grab from the kitchen?" Harry said it all in a rush, not knowing why his heart was beating thunderously against his ribcage.

"Oh, you don't have to get all defensive about, Harry..." Ron's eyes twinkled.

Harry scowled. "I'm NOT getting defensive! Why should I care that Smith is gay? I'm trying to read!"

Ron had the good nature to blush. "Oh, I didn't mean anything by it, Harry. I just think that it's something we should be able to talk about."

"I don't want to talk about it, Ron! This conversation is over!" Harry raised his book to hide his blushing cheeks behind it.

"Yea, but..."

"Over!" Harry shouted with a huff.

Ron sighed and poked Harry's legs. "Well, okay... But just so you know...

"If you were gay,
That'd be okay.
I mean 'cause, hey,
I'd like you anyway.
Because you see,
If it were me,
I would feel free
To say that I was gay.
(But I'm not gay.)"

Harry groaned and turned over so his back was facing his best friend. "Oh my God, Ron, are you rapping? Wait, what did you just say!" He turned back in shock.

Ron just smiled and kept going.

"If you were queer..."

"Oh hell, Ron!"

"I'd still be here..."

"Ron, I'm trying to read!"

"Year after year..."

"Ron!"

"Because you're dear to me..."

"Thanks, now get out!"

"And I know that you..."

"I what, Ron?"

"Would accept me too..."

"Accept what?"

"If I told you today,

'Hey, guess what,
I'm gay!'
(But I'm not gay.)
I'm happy
Just being with you."

"Oh God... Wronski Feint, Wronski Feint, Wronski Feint..."

Ron was still going...

"So what should it matter to me
What you do in bed with guys?"

"Ron, eww, stop it! I'm not gay!"

"Of course you're not, I'm just saying...
If you were gay,
I'd shout 'Hooray!'
And here I'd stay,
But I wouldn't get in your way."

"Ron, I'M NOT GAY!"

"You can count on me
To always be
Beside you every day,
To tell you it's okay,
You were just born that way,
And, as they say,
It's in your DNA,
You're gay!"

"ARGH! RON, I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I'M NOT GAY!"

Ron smirked and ran out as fast as his legs can carry him.

Two days later, Ron ventured down to the kitchen again. Harry had locked him out of the dorm since the "if you were gay" incident and Ron had been deprived of chocolate. Maybe Dobby would make some fudge for him... yum...

He tickled the pear and grinned as the portrayed opened itself for him. He sauntered in and was just about to call for some house-elf when the most horrifying sight met his eyes.

There Harry was, naked as the day he was born, was licking whipped cream off of an equally naked Draco Malfoy's chest.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Ron screamed and covered his eyes, not sure if he'd ever be sane again.

"Oh, shush Ron," Harry said calmly as he gave Malfoy's left nipple a nibble, "you were the one who told me you'd be okay if I were gay."

"Yeah, but... ANYONE BUT DRACO MALFOY!"

"I think he's jealous," an annoying voice drawled.

"Maybe," Harry answered without missing a beat.

"Oi, Weasel, wanna make this a threesome? We'll make it worth your time."

Ron turned and ran, still screaming on the top of his lungs, swearing to himself to never say the word "if" ever again.

FIN.