Love Unwanted

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. It is that we are powerful beyond all measure. It is our light, not our dark, that most frightens us. - Nelson Mandela

***

Breaking up with Virginia Weasley was easier in theory than it was in actuality. I had broken many a heart, but never in my entire life had it been the heart of someone I actually cared about. I had no idea where to proceed. I tried putting it off until I heard from my father, thinking it would take a few months, but that was a plan with many, many flaws.

***

I received a letter from my father one morning in the second week in January, telling me he wished to meet with me and discuss "my future", as he liked to refer to it. I always thought of it as my unavoidable enslavement to a psychotic sociopath, but to each his own.

When I first received his letter I panicked. I wasn't ready. 17 years was too young to give my life to an evil overlord. I wished I could just tell my father no, that I didn't want his life. Only, I wasn't that strong. How I wished I were.

My whole life I had given in to him, I knew no other way. Since I was young I knew that defying him meant pain, in this case death. If I were to refuse to serve Voldemort he would see me as a blood traitor.

My thoughts turned to Ginny. I had already realized that when this day came I had to end it. I cared about her, I knew that, and I couldn't stand what she'd think. She'd never understand why I couldn't just say no, and if I just didn't say anything about it, she'd think me a liar and a coward. Which, a voice in the back of my head told me, I was. The way I saw it, I had to become a Death Eater, and there was no choice there. If I didn't end it with Ginny, she'd find out and end it with me. She'd hate me forever. I couldn't stand the thought of that. As my father always said, do unto others before they do unto you. Such a backwards logic, but at the time it seemed to make perfect sense.

A blank expression on my face and an empty feeling in my stomach, I folded the letter into my pocket and went to find Ginny.

***

I didn't manage to find her until after lunch, as she was going out onto the grounds. I grabbed her, ignoring the look Granger gave me, and pulled her aside.

"We need to talk," I stated. "What do you have next?"

"Underwater basket-weaving, out at the lake, why?" She gave me a concerned look, "Is something wrong?"

"Sort of. Can you skip?" I asked, eager to get this over with.

She adjusted the bag on her shoulder. "I guess, but what's this all about?"

I shook my head and grabbed her hand, leading her towards the Slytherin common room.

"Ow," she said as I pulled her along behind me. "Draco! Draco-stop you're hurting me!" She yanked her hand away and rubbed her wrist. "What the hell's going on?"

I wasn't sure what to say. My initial plan had been to just tell her it was over and let her worry about the rest. Now, standing there in the middle of an empty hallway with her looking at me, a face full of mixed fear and concern, I couldn't.

I stuck one of my trembling hands in to my pocket and handed her my father's letter. She looked at me in bewilderment, but she took it. When she was done reading she leaned against the wall, then sank to the floor.

"So...so are you going to?" she asked, as if I had a choice.

"Do I really have another option?" I questioned in a rather sarcastic tone.

"You could say no," she stated. She put it so simply. I wished I could be like that.

"They 'd kill me."

"They?"

"My father."

"Maybe death would be better."

"No," I said. Why couldn't she see? How I envied her then, she had a choice. My only other option was death, and in my mind that wasn't even an option at all.

"No? You'd rather hand your life over to someone else, be there puppet, than stand up for yourself, even if it means dying? How? Either way your life ends, doesn't it? You do this, it won't be your life anymore...it'll be theirs."

"At least I'd be breathing. Besides, what's to be gained by refusing?" I asked. It was a question so many had asked, and I already knew what her answer would be.

"Innocent lives, maybe?" She had an incredulous tone to her voice.

"Possibly. But not mine." Even in my head it sounded arrogant, selfish, but in honesty I believed it. Better them than me.

"How can you say that? Three weeks ago you get all pissed because I ask if you support them, because you hate them and think they're sick, and now you want to join them?"

"I don't want to join them...I just don't have another choice. Why can't you see that?"

"Because I think it's bloody bullshit!" She was yelling, and sounded close to tears. "You can't...you can't say you don't have another option! You could tell them you won't. And maybe it wouldn't be the easiest thing you've ever done. It might even turn out to be the hardest thing you've ever had to do. But you could refuse, and still live. You wouldn't be alone." She stared up at me, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I said softly. "Don't hate me." There was a quiver to my voice.

She put her head in her arms. "I don't hate you," she told me, in barely a whisper. "I could never hate you." She looked up at me, a pained smile on her face. "I love you."

***

At first I was furious. She loved me! How could she tell me that? It was unfair what she was asking of me! Telling me she loved me was like some sort of emotional blackmail. How could she do that? Did she think that by telling me I'd change my mind? Nothing ever could, not even her. It pained me to know that, for I so wanted her to make me believe everything was as possible as she said. It made me so angry at first.

Then anger turned to something else. Hopelessness, despair. I wanted desperately to talk to her, but I couldn't bring myself to. Almost a week passed, and it was she who broke our severance.

***

I stepped out of the shower one evening and there she was, examining a paperweight on my desk.

"Jesus Christ!" I yelped, promptly dropping my towel. My face turned red, but she didn't even blink.

"You know," she said, a tight smile across her face, "I don't get the deal with that guy. Does a few magic tricks, and muggles worship him. Simple stuff too, walking on water, turning water into wine. A first year could handle that. Actually I do recall hearing about Seamus doing that...but really. His mum had a good idea. Claim to a virgin, hide your magic, and give birth to a son who seems to be a miracle worker. Muggles worship the both of you, and you live the good life. Maybe I should try that..." She trailed off and looked up at me.

I snorted. "He got in a lot of trouble with the ministry for that. Why do you think they crucified him?"

"I always thought it was people scared of magic. Guess I was wrong. They really should teach us about that in History of Magic, might keep someone from falling asleep."

"You didn't come here to talk about religion and school. What's this all about?" I asked. She turned away and I took the opportunity to pull on a pair of pants.

"Us," she said, her voice trembling. "What is going on with us? I sort of got that we aren't together, but...I don't want it to end like this. I...I don't want it to end." She looked at me; her eyes were filled with tears.

"It has to." I sat down on my bed, and she joined me. "No matter what you say, nothing is going to change."

"It could though," she said eagerly, "really it could. You could go to Dumbledore and-"

"No. I've been doing a lot of thinking. I was wrong when is said I had no other option. I have them; I just already made my choice. I've been raised for this. It's embedded so deeply in my head, my blood, there's no way for me to escape it. Maybe one day, after all this is over it'll be different." I laughed at my own words. "Of course it'll be different. Everything will be different. Something big is going to happen. It's already begun, and soon Potter is going to save the world or die trying. After that, who knows what things will be like? Maybe all this nonsense about blood and honor will disappear, or change at least. But until then I have my place, and unfortunately, it's away from here." I traced my hand along her cheek. "Away from you."

She turned to me, her eyes shimmering with tears. "I meant what I said," she whispered, "about loving you. I do. As hard as I tried not to, as many times as I told myself it was a bad idea, I still fell in love with you." Her tears started to fall, and she choked out, "I'm sorry."

I lifted her chin and gently kissed her lips. "Don't be. After all, it was good for a while." She smiled at me, so brave amidst all the pain.

I kissed her again, with more need, and she moaned softly. I wrapped my arms around her and we fell backwards onto the bed, kissing more passionately.

"I love you," I breathed into her ear.

"Then love me," she murmured.

I smiled, a jumble of emotions filling my chest. Then she kissed me passionately, urgently, and my mind went blank.

***

I awoke the next morning with her in my arms. She was sleeping, wearing only the necklace I had given her for Christmas. It was a silver pendant with the Chinese symbol for devotion on it. It was supposed to protect the wearer as long as the person who had given it to her stayed devoted. Hopefully I would never have to find out if it worked.

I pulled her closer to me, and she stirred. Looking at me with sad eyes, she asked me if this was the end.

"In a way," I said softly, "but it never would have worked, we knew from the beginning it couldn't last."

She bit her lip. "In the beginning it wasn't supposed to."

"Things don't always go according to plan."

She wrapped the sheet around and stood up. "I should go."

I grabbed some clothes and stood by the door, waiting. She stopped before me.

"Well, I guess this is it." She stood tall, poised. Her eyes were dry, and I was surprised.

I brushed tears from her cheeks and smiled. " Good night, good night Parting is such sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night 'till it be morrow."

"This isn't goodnight, Draco. It's goodbye." She swallowed heavily.

I embraced her, taking in the feel of her against me, the smell of her hair. "No," I spoke gently, "it isn't goodbye. At least not forever. Things will change, and we'll be able to-"

"We won't. You know that and I know that."

"Just let me believe that, alright? It might keep me from falling into a pit of depression and killing myself."

She laughed. "Don't say that," she said, leaning towards me, "don't say anything."

Then she kissed me. Deeply and intensely, putting everything she felt for me into that one kiss.

"Until the morrow then, I guess." She was kidding, trying to make it hurt less. Inside I'm sure she felt as I did, like something had reached into her chest and torn her heart into pieces. She turned and walked away, standing tall. If it hadn't been for the trembling of her delicate shoulders, I never would have known her tears.

She never turned around, or else she would have known mine.

~FIN~