On the Mating Habits of Homo Sapiens Lycanthropus

On the Mating Habits of Homo Sapiens Lycanthropus

"...and so, unfortunately, the amount of misinformation is far greater than any actual data recorded today on werewolves," Remus finished. "And although I note certain differences between myself and my fellow man even when I'm in human form, I've never been studied, and my own observances would be suspect merely because I could not have an objective view. Does that answer your question, Lavender? Good. Anyone else?"

Hermione waved her hand frantically in the air. "But! But--that's hardly anything. Are you sure there even are real differences between yourself and others outside of the nights of the full moon? I mean, you've always acted completely normal around me."

Remus gave her a kind smile. "No, I'm quite sure there are times when Canis lupus has an influence. For instance, although I've always considered myself very non-confrontational, if a friend, or--to the wolf--'pack mate' is in danger, I sometimes react quite aggressively in defence of said friend. And...well, I know it isn't pleasant, but if I've been injured or am ill, I will sometimes crave raw meat. To a wolf, this would be a very basic need. Humans have evolved beyond it, but the wolf inside fears that since it is not healthy, it will not be able to hunt, and I won't be able to provide for myself. In any case, I'm absolutely certain that my behaviour is sometimes influenced by my lycanthropy. But! That does not make me a danger to society. I've never had the urge to bite anyone, or do anyone violence while I was in human form. At least--not more than your average male human does, at any rate."

Hermione shook her head. "But...there must be books on the subject--somewhere! What about diet, sleep cycles, mating habits? There must be something written down on it all somewhere!"

Professor Lupin shook his head. "I understand how important good research is to you, but I'm afraid there's nothing--and I should know! I've searched. The crux of the problem is this; say you're the average wizard, and you had a chance to observe a werewolf at close distance for an extended duration. Say this werewolf even tolerated your presence. Would you really research it, or would you merely destroy it? Now, now," he waved his hands, trying to calm the swell of the angry, debating voices of seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins. "I'm not implying that you, personally, would do this...but I'm afraid most people would," he informed the girl.

Hermione must have looked extremely traumatized to learn that there wasn't a single decent book on the subject, because Remus smiled commiseratingly at her and said, "But perhaps one day you'll write a book of your own, and make up for that shameful lack."

Hermione's face brightened considerably. There was an intriguing possibility. It was already seventh year, and she hadn't decided what she wanted to do with her life--but she knew research would have to feature prominently. And if she wrote a book--or even just started the research, background and outline for a book--surely that would make an impression in whatever field she chose!

Of course, she couldn't let Lupin know he was being observed as a subject for the book--then he'd surely act differently, and that would defeat the whole purpose of trying to set herself up as an objective observer. No, she'd have to stay out of his way, and keep mum about the whole thing. She'd get herself a Quick Quotes Quill, and watch him as he went about his daily routine.

Now...all she had to do was wait...and watch.

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"Observations on Homo sapiens lycanthropus, day one. I was unable to find a place to observe the male, hereafter to be referred to as Male A, as he awoke, nor was I able to monitor any of his early morning routine. In the future, I will make further attempts to rectify this absence of knowledge. For now, Male A starts his day with a meal, eaten in the company of his fellow staff members, most of which are Homo sapiens. He has chosen a muffin and some rather weak tea. Also offered were omelettes, toast, juice and milk. It may be that the appetite of Homo sapiens lycanthropus is low at this point in the day. Further studies will be needed to see if this bears out. Next, Male A opens his newspaper--the staff copy of the Daily Prophet--and begins to read."

The Quick Quotes Quill hovered motionlessly as Hermione watched, in between bites of toast, as Remus sipped his tea and read. She had to admit that thus far, the study wasn't exactly riveting, and wasn't looking like it would win any prizes. Tea and a muffin? Come on! Half the wizarding world probably ate the same every day for breakfast! Where were the groundbreaking wolfish traces in Lupin's behaviour?

"Ah! Now Male A is joined by his colleague, another male whom we shall call Male B, a variety of Magister potionum vulgarus."

Hermione watched interestedly as Snape stalked up to Lupin, dropping into the seat next to the man and shooting him the regular irritable scowl. She was quite excited to examine the dynamic of the two men, which she considered fascinating. She knew all about the incident in the Shrieking Shack, and the fact that they'd been forced to become co-workers--for the second time--after so many years of hatred and distrust, and it made for a stimulating relationship. She couldn't wait to see more.

Carefully, she worked an extendable ear loose from her pocket, and dropping her fork, leaned over to roll one end towards the staff table. She smirked when she straightened up and saw that no one had looked twice at her. Putting the other end in her ear, she listened to the quiet conversation.

"Are you finished with that yet?" Snape was asking cantankerously. "And you must realize it's bad enough that you're here, breathing my air and disrupting life with your very presence, but you also feel the justified in befouling things that aren't even yours?"

Remus heaved a large sigh. "If you wanted the paper, Severus, all you needed to do was ask." All the same, he folded it in half and handed it to the man.

Severus made a bit of a grimace as he took the publication, as though it might be carrying a disease. "How kind," he spat sarcastically. "But what I meant was that you never bothered to enquire whether anyone else might like a muffin before taking the last one."

Remus shot him a surprised look. "You eat muffins?" he said, seemingly unable to keep the dubiousness from his voice.

"They are bran, Lupin," Snape snapped. "Do you have any idea how many chemicals I am required to imbibe on a daily basis? It wreaks havoc on my system." He sniffed, flipping the paper open with long, potion-stained fingers. "I request one bran muffin per day as part of my breakfast. Surely that shouldn't be so much to ask?"

Lupin looked a bit contrite. "I'm sorry, Severus," he said with complete sincerity. "There's still half left. Do you want it?"

Severus's head snapped up. "Don't be disgusting. God only knows what sort of filth you find acceptable to put in your mouth. You probably lick yourself, don't you?" The man slapped the paper back down on the table, pushed his chair out, and strode away, muttering under his breath.

Hermione watched Lupin closely. The werewolf merely shook his head, smoothed out the paper, and took another sip of tea.

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Just before Charms, Hermione cornered Harry in the hall. "I need your cloak," she told him.

He looked puzzled. "I'm not wearing a cloak. And it's not even cold. And why aren't you asking Ron? Isn't he your boyfriend?"

Hermione scowled. "Not a cloak, Harry. The cloak. Your cloak," she ground out, glancing around. Harry's eyes widened as he realized what she was talking about, and his mouth formed an 'o.' "You don't need it, after all. Voldemort's been dead for almost a month now, and most of the Death Eaters have been captured. I need it. Please, Harry?"

Harry shrugged. "Well...yeah, I guess. But what for? You're not exactly the sort to go about like that for no reason, and you can't want it to play pranks or break rules."

Hermione gave him a hard look. "It's for research," she told him loftily.

"Ah. Right. Should've guessed."

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Hermione wiggled her toes, trying to keep her leg from cramping. She'd been crouched in a corner of the staff room for almost an hour, and Remus hadn't done anything, besides mark papers and drink tea. She'd test it later to see what kind it was, or ask a house elf. Perhaps werewolves craved tea, when they were in human form? That just sounded silly.

At least she'd been smart enough to drink an Odour-Neutralizing Elixir, and put up a Silencing Charm, so no one outside the Invisibility Cloak could hear her talking to her Quill. Or instructing her Quill. Or whatever it was called. Unfortunately, in the course of her research, Lupin hadn't done anything remotely wolfish. The whole study seemed to be turning into a giant waste of time. What on earth would it look like if she submitted her notes to a publisher now?

Day one, a muffin is eaten. Subject seems to enjoy weak tea. In the morning, subject was confronted by a member of Homo sapiens--Male B--but submitted to said Homo sapiens without argument. Afternoon, Male A teaches young Homo sapiens with patience. Evening of day one, Male A consumes curry. At exactly six o'clock, Male A retires to do paperwork.

Thrilling.

Hermione sat up as the staff room door swung inward, revealing a peevish-looking Professor Snape. She leaned quickly over her Quill. "At...seven-o-eight p.m., Male A is joined by Male B."

Snape gave the werewolf a withering look as Remus tried to scoot his papers over enough that his colleague could join him at the table. "What on earth are you doing, you louse-infested beast? I did not come here to enjoy your company, and I have no intention whatever on suffering your odorous presence for any length of time."

Remus blinked. "Then...why did you come here?"

Snape seemed somewhat put off by this. "Because...because until your horrible self was readmitted to the staff, this room was generally quite empty at this time of night."

"But...surely your own chambers are just as empty?" Remus rejoined, lifting his eyebrows slightly.

Snape's face collapsed into its usual suspicious scowl. "Was that a joke at my expense?"

Remus rubbed his temple with one hand. "No, Severus. I was merely saying..."

"Indeed. As it so happens, my chambers are empty at the moment. However, as they are also adjacent to the Slytherin common room, I find that it is not at all a peaceful place to read." He fell silent a moment, as if contemplating whether to say more. "Tonight, Blaise Zabini set Malfoy's hair on fire, and Crabbe and Goyle, in retaliation, attempted to throw Mr. Zabini out a window."

Lupin's eyes were very round. "Er...you did prevent them doing so, though, right?"

The Potions Master shrugged, looking unconcerned. "Don't be ridiculous. The incompetent little monsters couldn't even spell the window open. After banging him against the glass a few times, they gave up quickly enough. It shouldn't have mattered greatly in any case--we are in the dungeons. What windows we have are hardly above ground level."

"Oh...but I expect you gave them a good talking to?" Remus asked, giving Snape that look of admonishment Hermione had often seen directed at Sirius.

Snape looked baffled. "No."

"No?"

"No. I merely told them to shut the hell up and practice more quiet forms of destruction, and left for...well, for here."

"You didn't even ask what the fight was about?" Remus responded, sounding rather aghast.

"Of course not! We are Slytherins. Quite frankly, the most ingenious forms of torture known to man were generally invented by our house, and out of boredom, too. Although, I did hear Draco referring to Blaise as a 'man whore' earlier today, so revenge may have had something to do with the disturbance, as well."

Remus stared. "I...I see. Well, however distasteful my presence is, I've been told it's quite a good one for being quiet, so you're welcome to have a seat if you're...in need of respite."

Snape shifted awkwardly, his eyes darting from Lupin to his book, which was held tightly in one hand. "I--well, I suppose...I hardly--fine. If you can keep your obnoxious comments to yourself, and your piles of drivel out of my way, I suppose I might as well stay a while."

Remus smiled brightly at this, and cleared a place for Snape to sit, indicating the chair with a flourish.

Snape forwent any sort of thanks, dropping elegantly into his seat and burying himself in the large, black tome he'd brought along.

At a quarter to ten, Snape rose and stomped out the door without saying one word to Remus, who watched him go with something like amazement written on his face. Then the werewolf's shoulders seemed to slump a little, and he gave a sigh. "It was nice spending time with you, too, Severus."

Hmmm. "Male A, acting as Beta Male, immediately attempted pacifying Male B, the Alpha Male, who--in a rather surprising move--allowed himself to be put at ease. Perhaps Beta Male's overt submission reinforced Alpha Male's perception of their respective roles. Er. Or maybe Remus is just really good with people. Oh, hell." Hermione gave a loud sigh and rested her chin on her hand, still watching the werewolf mark papers. It was going to be a long study.

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After this incident, Hermione began to follow Remus more closely, and his largely solitary nature gave her pause. Was Remus lonely? Why did he not find someone to settle down with? And how was she supposed to catalogue the mating rituals of the werewolf without witnessing any?

As always, it took very little time for her to decide on a plan of action. She would simply have to set Remus up with someone. Then, once he was interested, she could observe how he went about winning and wooing the girl, and whether it was different than the average human would go about it. She was a little uncertain about this, because she wasn't entirely familiar with how average human males did this sort of thing. Ron had merely given her a good litre of truly awful scent last Valentines and asked her to visit Hogsmead with him, but she felt...well, she'd seen a lot of Muggle movies and such. She was confident she knew how it was supposed to go.

The great difficulty was in finding an available female for Remus to woo. McGonagall was rather old, though Hermione thoughtfully considered that she couldn't count her out, as that would be ageism. Then there was Trelawney, who Hermione judged was an appalling choice for any man, but at least near Lupin's age. Last was Tonks, who might be perfect, save for the fact that she was extremely boisterous where Remus was reticent, and wasn't around very often in any case. Still, she seemed the most promising female, and Hermione summarily wrote her a quick missive.

Dear Tonks, it read.

Remus has been acting a bit mopey lately. Perhaps you could visit on the weekend, and help me cheer him up? You're always so much fun that I'm sure your visit would be just the thing. Do let me know!

Thanks,

Hermione

Easy enough. Now all she had to do was give things a little nudge in the right direction, and then sit back and let love work its magic.

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Hermione swung her legs happily as she perched on a stool at The Three Broomsticks, watching Remus and Tonks laugh and reminisce. Everything was going brilliantly--even better than she'd planned. Tonks was a non-stop whirlwind of entertainment, and Remus seemed terribly pleased to be spending time with her. Perhaps Hermione wouldn't even have to do anything to push them on their way.

Beta Male, or Male A--damn, that's confusing!--begins his courtship of Female A, a lovely young Homo sapiens metamorphmagus with--at the moment--bubblegum pink hair, and of good age to bear--pups? Children? Young? Er...wolves have cubs. Cubs? Damn. Male A charms Female A with amusing stories, and follows this with offers of compliments. Or he would, if he knew what was good for him.

"Oh! And do you remember the crotch-sniffing incident, when you and Sirius visited the summer before seventh year? That was so funny!"

Remus' shoulders shook with laughter. "Yes! Oh, dear. Your milkman didn't thank us for it, though."

"That shirt is a lovely colour on you, Tonks!" Hermione piped up cheerfully, thinking it didn't go to let things slide, even if they were going quite well on their own. "Isn't that a lovely shirt, Professor Lupin?"

The man gave her an odd look, but nodded uncomfortably. "Well, yes. It is quite nice."

"I wouldn't take fashion advice from a man dressed more in patches than clothing," a cold voice broke in, and Hermione's grin faltered. Oh, no. Not him. Not now.

The intricate mating dance of Male A and his prospective partner, Female A, is interrupted by that bastard to end all bastards, the Alpha Male.

"Oh, Severus," Remus said, for some reason smiling even more widely. "Why don't you join us?"

The Beta Male quickly offers submissive gestures to the Alpha Male. Bloody idiot.

The Potions Master looked from Remus to Tonks, back to Remus again. "Ah, but are you certain I wouldn't be interfering with this budding, epic romance?" he inquired, scorn dripping from every syllable. Both Remus and Tonks flushed brightly.

Thinking quickly, Hermione spoke out. "Well, Professor, our secret's out. Now you'll have to marry me and make me an honest woman," she said with a smile, nudging the werewolf.

Remus laughed, but looked distinctly ill at ease. "Er...right. Ha ha," he added weakly. "Really, Severus, you do get the oddest ideas. Of course I'd never lay a finger on any of my students, and Tonks is merely a good friend. You know that."

"Mmm," Snape responded noncommittally, though Tonks looked rather disappointed by this announcement. "Well, if you're sure I'm not interrupting," he said with an insincere smile, planting himself between Remus and Tonks. Both of them stared at him, their faces quite astounded. "Rosmerta, a bubblebrandy, if you would," he addressed the woman who was passing, and then turned his attention to the man next to him. "Remus," he said, in such a friendly, open voice that Hermione blinked a couple of times to make certain that it was, indeed, the lanky, greasy man she'd always known. "Have you read about the latest experiment they've done with the Wolfsbane potion? It's really quite fascinating..."

Alpha Male quickly asserts his dominance, trapping the Beta Male with long, boring stories. He is obviously hoping to scare off Female A, or is, perhaps, attempting to display his own prowess and masculinity and catch the eye of the female. The Alpha Male is, in fact, behaving like a total wanker. I won't put that in the report though--sounds far too juvenile. Groaning in her own head, Hermione settled back, waiting for Snape to leave.

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By the time they arrived back at the castle, Hermione was in a really foul mood. She'd given up a lunch date with Ron to tag along and research Lupin, only to be interrupted by Snape at his worst (best? Most frightening, at any rate), and have him monopolize the werewolf until Tonks--Remus' intended...mate...had given up and gone home. What a waste.

The only good thing about the day, as far as she could tell, was that Snape seemed to be treating Lupin with something akin to friendliness, and had held an incredibly long, almost amicable discussion with him.

On the other hand, every other word out of his mouth was an adjective like 'flea-bitten,' or a slur like 'monster,' but Hermione was beginning to suspect that this was just Snape's way, and he mightn't even be aware he was doing it.

She said good day to them both, hurried upstairs to get Harry's cloak, and broke into Lupin's rooms to wait for him. Even if the day was pretty much a loss, she wanted to observe his reactions to the setback in his romantic life first hand. After thinking it over, she also poured herself a teeny glass of scotch before snuggling down near the fire to wait. After all, having listened to Snape extrapolate on hair-removing elixirs for more than an hour, she definitely deserved it.

Lupin seemed to be in a surprisingly good humour when he came up to his chambers. He was humming cheerfully, and poured himself a rather larger glass of scotch, lifting it briefly and muttering something like, 'Letting go old'...something she couldn't catch. But what did it mean? Perhaps he'd had such an enjoyable time with Tonks that the Potions Master's intrusion was merely viewed as a trivial annoyance?

He flung himself into a chair, flipping open his course book. "Snape, you old devil," she was sure he murmured as he began readying himself for Monday's lessons. "I knew you would grow up someday."

She listened and watched carefully, but aside from a crooked grin that wouldn't go away, Lupin revealed nothing more of his emotions that evening. When he finally retired for the night, she picked herself up with a sigh and headed downstairs. She'd just have to get a bit more involved, that was all...

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The next morning, Hermione cornered the man at the breakfast table. Snape was beside him, but they didn't appear to be acting so chummy anymore. If anything, Snape seemed to be ignoring the werewolf. Steeling herself, Hermione marched right up to the staff table. It was no use being coy about it; she had only a few months left to complete her research! She'd decided as soon as she awoke that she'd have to come right out and say something.

Ignoring the black look on Snape's face, she pulled up a chair and plonked down in it. "Professor Lupin," she said, her face set in its most serious, lecturing expression.

Remus looked surprised. "Yes?" he said cautiously.

"You shouldn't have announced to the world that you were just friends with Tonks. It was terribly rude to her. I think you ought to apologize."

Snape was glaring daggers at her now, but she continued to ignore him.

"Er. What? But...we are just friends," Remus countered nervously.

"But it doesn't do to say that if you want to be anything more!" Hermione snapped, losing her temper. Boys never got any more intelligent, not even if you gave them years of good education.

Remus stared at her, but it was Snape who answered. "Why on earth would he want to be anything more?"

"Why on earth can't you mind your own business for five minutes?" Hermione retorted tetchily, and promptly clapped a hand over her mouth. "Oh. I'm sorry, Professor," she said in a muffled voice.

Snape's face was very red. "Detention, Miss Granger."

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Well, THAT was a rousing success, she thought unhappily, as she trudged out of the Great Hall. And what is Professor Snape playing at? I'd bet he's only doing it to make Professor Lupin's life as difficult as possible. Well! I'll put a stop to that! He can't ruin Lupin's rapport with Tonks. I'll just have to work extra hard to get them together. Then, all I'll need to do is follow their progress, Quill in hand.

She made up her mind to fire call Tonks that evening as soon as the common room emptied. It took a few hours, but finally she had her chance. She was glad Tonks was extremely good-natured about this sort of thing, and even encouraged Hermione and Ginny to keep in touch.

Luckily, Tonks was right near the fire when Hermione stuck her head through. "Wotcher, Hermione," the woman said, looking up in surprise. She was flopped out on a couch, her current hair long and flowing and a rather violent magenta. "Everything going okay at school?"

Hermione wrinkled her nose. "I got a detention for talking back to Snape, but I think everything's fine, other than that," she replied. "Listen, I wanted to ask you about Remus."

Tonks sat up, eyes suddenly shifty. "Er...what about Remus?"

The younger witch watched with narrowed eyes. "Well, you like him, don't you?"

"Sure an' I do. Everyone likes Remus!"

"But you like him. You really like him, right? I mean, I know he was a bit oblivious the other day, but I think you ought to give him another chance. He's just...a man. He may be a werewolf, but he's still a man. All men are...a little bit...you know. Thoughtless."

"Hermione..." Tonks trailed off unhappily, her face almost the same shade as her hair.

"He likes you back. Don't you think?"

"Hermione, Remus never told you about...um. Back when he used to go out on dates, in his school days, did he? Um, you know...the wild days with Sirius and all of that?"

Puzzled, Hermione shook her head, bushy hair swinging. "No. Why? Did he have some sort of trouble? Did he encounter prejudice or something? Because that's all the more reason for him to date you."

"No...that's not it. Not exactly. Look, Hermione, I can't tell you about it, because it's not my place. But I think this is one of those times where you really ought to back off and mind your own business a bit. I do like Remus--I honestly do! But there are...some pretty fundamental incompatibilities between the two of us. No, don't try to convince me otherwise. Trust me, Remus and I would never work out."

That night, Hermione ground her teeth in frustration as she crossed Tonks off the list of possible partners, before she climbed into bed. She couldn't imagine why it wouldn't have worked, but Tonks had been adamant. It was the end of what had seemed a really likely romance--and maybe her dreams of a book, as well. Why couldn't Remus find a nice girl on his own? And who else could she possibly set him up with?

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The next day, Hermione put Plan B into action. She simply whipped out her list of available women, and went right on to number two. After all, she didn't have to like Trelawney--only Lupin did.

Therefore, during lunch she headed up to the North Tower, where she found the woman ogling a crystal ball and making tragic predictions in a melodramatic voice to an audience consisting of Lavender and Parvati. Hermione paused at the top of the ladder, clearing her throat.

Three sets of eyes gave her an irritable glare.

"Um. Hello," she began, trying to work up a bright smile. "I've...got a quick question to ask Professor Trelawney." Everyone looked a bit suspicious, and Lavender gave a disdainful sniff.

"I saw that you would be joining us today, of course," Trelawney said in her mistiest voice. "The stars reveal all."

"I'm sure they do," Hermione replied somewhat flatly, dropping her bag beside the table and scooting up a chair. "But my question isn't about me."

"No...no, I saw that, too," said the woman helpfully.

Hermione was already beginning to get peeved. "Reeeally," she said quietly. "What did I come to ask, then?"

Lavender gave her a dirty look, and the professor's lips pinched tightly together. "You know, it really isn't at all good for you to come up here--you've such a mundane mind, and your extremely wooden spirit completely throws off my..." she waved her hands, as if looking for a word.

"Mojo?" Hermione replied with a raised brow. Maybe she was getting around Professor Snape too often these days, even if it wasn't on purpose. She was getting to be every bit as cranky and cynical. She tried to swallow her pride, and gave the woman her most innocent smile.

"Well. Yes, I suppose," Trelawney replied after scrutinizing Hermione's face for a moment. "But I don't think I'll be able to help your friend."

Hermione resisted the urge to pinch the bridge of her nose. "That's all right, it really isn't anything to do with fortune-telling. I just came up here because Professor Lupin--you know, the Defence teacher?--complimented your skills." She crossed her fingers under the small table, trying not to wince at the lie.

Now Lavender and Parvati looked disbelieving, but Trelawney seemed to eat this up. "Ah. The werewolf? How good of him. The poor man...such tragedy he's had in his past, and such a horrible future awaits him! Why, he--"

"And-I-think-he-once-said-you-were-rather-pretty," Hermione rushed on, trying to head the woman off at the pass. Dead silence enveloped the room. "Er, but he wouldn't have said so in person, of course. He's--um--very shy. He'd probably be dreadfully embarrassed if he knew that you'd found out."

Trelawney's eyes had gone even wider and hazier than usual. Hermione could practically see the gears switch from 'Sad Soul With a Wretched Fate,' to 'Big Old Hunk of Man Meat.' Hermione shuddered.

"Yes. Yes, well! He should come to me for a reading! Yes, he should. In fact, it is imperative that I see him very soon, for if he chooses the correct path, there shall be wonderful things in his immediate future....yes. Grand things. I knew someone would be bringing me a message of him, of course, but the cards could not tell me that it would be you, precisely. And I knew he'd been quite taken by my otherworldly aura, but it doesn't do to say such things--it so upsets people when they realize that they cannot take me by surprise, and--"

"Well, that's really lovely. I ought to be going, but I'll tell him you need to see him, shall I? Good, good. Um, I've got to get...papers ready for next class, but I'm glad to have seen you again, so happy we could patch things up a bit, have a nice day and everything!" Hermione babbled as she dove for the ladder.

Well, that was that done, at least. She didn't think she could have sat and listened to the woman's wobbly wails of the future for another moment. Hopefully, it wouldn't be too unpleasant to detail the resulting relationship between the two of them. And hopefully, Remus would react appropriately. She felt a little bit bad about the whole thing, though. After all, even if Professor Lupin wasn't interested, it would probably be a bit difficult to convince Trelawney of that.

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That evening, Hermione was disgruntled that she'd have to spend the evening with Snape in detention, instead of seeing whether things were working out between Professors Lupin and Trelawney. She'd be down in the dungeons until late, and she didn't think Trelawney was the sort to bide her time.

"Miss Granger," Snape greeted her coldly upon her arrival. "Take this." He shoved a black-bound book at her, and she fumbled, dropping her bag in order to catch it.

"What's this?"

"Miss Know-It-All really doesn't?" he retorted sneeringly. "And after all these years of carrying them about with you, too. Your much-vaunted intellect is clearly far more dismal than I was led to believe. It's called a book. Shall I write that on the blackboard for you?"

Hermione scowled. "I know what it is, but why? I thought I'd be scrubbing cauldrons or chopping potion ingredients or something of that nature." Something more filthy and repulsive, she added in the privacy of her head.

"Oh, but then I would be letting that penetrating insight go to waste," the professor replied sarcastically. "It so happens that I have gotten behind in cataloguing my inventory. I need you to write down every last thing in the student supply closet."

Hermione's face fell. There were shelves upon shelves of stores back there. If she had to record it all, she'd be there all night.

"Unless you'd prefer a more menial task, since you seem to feel your Gryffindor mind is not up to it," Snape said smoothly, and she squared her shoulders.

"No, sir. I'll get started right away." She began pulling jars out, lining them neatly on the desks so she wouldn't get the stuff she'd already written down confused with the items she'd yet to inventory. She worked this way for more than an hour as Professor Snape sat as his desk, reducing a number of fifth year's essays to a sad heap of red-slashed parchment. When Hermione entered the supply closet for about the hundredth time, she heard the slap of running feet against the stone floor, as someone came running in from the hallway.

"Severus! Dear God! You--you've got to hide me," she heard Professor Lupin panting. She carefully peeked around the door, and saw Professor Snape staring in surprise, his mouth open a little, and Professor Lupin doubled over, hands on knees as he tried to catch his breath.

"You impertinent wolf," Snape growled. "How dare you invade my dungeons this way? Have I not made it clear how much I loathe your company?"

"But--but--that woman! If you don't do something, she's going to eat me alive!" he gestured dramatically at the door, eyes wide.

Hmmm. In response to the stimulus of being introduced to a rather more assertive female, Male A becomes coy, shyly hiding away in the den of Male B.

"What wo--"

"Luuuuuupin!" Trelawney's voice called out from the hallway. "Where did you go? I have some wonderful chai tea that I just know you're going to love!" Remus buried his face in his hands, eliciting a smirk from Severus. Suddenly, Trelawney's head popped round the doorway. "There you are! I knew you would be--my sources led me here, you know. Aren't you shy though! You know, you mustn't run like that--it never does any good to run from one's destiny."

Remus shoved Severus in front of him like a human shield, his face in a grimace, and his hands gripping Professor Snape's shoulders like grim death. "Good lord!" he said in his typically hoarse voice.

The Potions Master drew himself up to his full, impressive height, his brow a thundercloud. "Professor! What is the meaning of this incursion? I cannot believe you feel welcome to traipse through my classroom in the middle of the night, trailing your gaudy scarves and sickeningly sweet perfume behind you! I demand you leave at once."

Trelawney simpered at Remus. "Well, Professor Lupin and I don't mean to be a bother, so we'll just be--"

"Professor Lupin is assisting me with making minor adjustments to his potion. He is welcome to stay. You, however, had best return from the pit of Hades whence you came. I have little enough patience to begin with, and you've long since used up your allotted amount."

"Well--but--I--"

"OUT, DAMNED WOMAN! BEFORE I EJECT YOU STRAIGHT THROUGH A WALL!"

Trelawney stiffened, gave Snape one deeply affronted look, and scuttled for the doorway. There, she made one last attempt to retain her dignity. "Beware next Tuesday," she warbled threateningly, "For it shall come to pass that death stalks you, and--"

"He's been after me for years," Severus replied hotly. "And I'm far less intimidated by him than when I knew him less well. So if he does drop by on Tuesday, I'll invite him in for a blasted shot of Firewhiskey!"

Huffing, Sybil Trelawney whirled, gathered her many fluttering scarves, and marched away. Both men stared after her for a long moment. Hermione wasn't certain what was going on, but she knew that Snape had momentarily forgotten her presence, and she held her breath, hoping--she wasn't sure why--that he wouldn't remember for a while yet.

The Beta Male, uncomfortable with the advances of the...female chosen for him, ran to the Alpha Male to protection and assistance. Fascinating, Hermione mused. And the Alpha Male, obviously reacting instinctively as the more natural aggressor, ran the female off, rather than...er...belittling and browbeating the Beta Male, which he is so wont to do. Huh. How about that?

Remus let out a long breath. Then he leaned forward, resting his forehead on Snape's back. "Thank you, Severus," he exhaled, hands still on the frozen Potions Master's arms. Hermione searched Snape's face for that tic that let one know he was about to explode, but to her astonishment, his lip curled upward a bit, and his frame abruptly began to lose some of its tension.

"Well. Yes. Of course, I didn't do it for you," he said defensively. "And you owe me, you walking rug. You do understand that, don't you?" He stepped away from Lupin and turned to face him, lifting his chin regally.

Remus had a funny half smile on his face. "Yes. I can pay you back," he offered, his head tilted to the side as though he was considering something. Snape gave him his least impressed look, and neither of them said anything for a long moment. Biting her lip, Hermione leaned forward for a better look...and bumped her knee gently against the doorframe.

One of the jars on the shelf wobbled just a little, making a barely audible rattle against the wood. In fact, she felt more than heard it, but Professor Lupin's head whipped around. "Is...someone here?" she heard him ask Snape. His eyes were strangely dark, and the way his head seem to crane towards the noise made something inside Hermione's stomach freeze up. All the same, her logical mind refused to stop taking notes.

The Beta Male, when confronted by a possible intruder on the territory of the Alpha Male, immediately begins stalking the trespasser. Using his superior sense of hearing, the Beta Male--

"Oh...blast. Yes, that damned Granger girl is supposed to be sorting the inventory. Granger! Get out here, you bloody eavesdropping young chit."

"Severus!" she heard Remus exclaim, as she got to her feet with a sigh, wiping the dust from her knees. "There's really no call to be quite so snappish with her. She couldn't help being here, after all--you were the one who assigned her detention. And right now, she's not even the one you're annoyed with, is she? You needn't take your ill-temper out on her."

Snape arched a brow. "Dismissed, Miss Granger. Get out of my sight. And you, you sodding, misbegotten beast, you ought to be the one I give detention to, since you are the one constantly provoking me."

Remus' amber eyes seemed to flash, and Hermione paused, pretending to straighten her books in her bag. What would Remus do if really goaded? Snape seemed almost determined to find out. Then Remus suddenly chuckled, and Hermione felt her shoulders slump in relief. "That may well be, but I'm afraid I'm quite untrainable," she heard him tell Snape. "You can't teach an old wolf new tricks. Even if I rather do deserve to be beaten round the head for leading that woman down here...I'd prefer it if you let me buy you a drink, as opposed to putting up with some kind of capitol punishment, though. And yes, I know you're angry with me--but really, Severus, I didn't know where else to go!"

Professor Snape rolled his eyes and began clearing away Hermione's hard work. "What set her off, anyway? Are you exuding some sort of rancid werewolf musk? I must admit, I don't recall the girls in our school days paying you quite so much attention. Of course--you were a scrawny, scratched up, ugly little bugger, in any case."

"Very funny. But...come to think of it, I do seem to have obtained a rather sudden popularity with the ladies, don't I?"

Hermione felt her head duck, wanting to crawl down between her shoulders and hide. Crap. He's less oblivious than I'd like, sometimes. If only Snape wouldn't point things like that out!

"I don't know what caused it. I mean, I was simply sitting in the staffroom with Flitwick, minding my own business and discussing banshees when she came breezing in, yowling about the future, and how I had to accompany her or face the consequences. Something about her tea, too...and that she needed me. Er. Well, what could I do? She seemed to be in dire need, so I agreed to accompany her back to the tower."

Snape snorted. "'Dire need,' indeed. It's perfectly clear what she was in dire need of. Or are you too sap-sculled to have figured that out?"

Remus was bright red when Hermione sneaked a look at him. "Well, no, I didn't pick up on it right away, but I realized what she wanted soon enough."

"Really? Just after she had her wicked way with you, I presume?"

"Severus," Remus hissed. "Hermione, go to bed. And no, Severus, I picked up on it long before things had progressed that far."

Hermione made for the door slowly.

"Before or after she tried to slip you tongue?"

"Severus!" Remus yelped. "That's not! I didn't--you--it--"

"Ah. After, then," Professor Snape replied, sounding amused. Hermione ducked around the door and stopped, still listening.

Now Professor Lupin sounded very flustered. "All right, so she did try. It was hardly my fault, though! She said something about the position of one of the stars, and waved her arm all wildly, and while I had my eyes on that, she...sort of...jumped on me."

Severus seemed to chuckle a bit at that. "You really are naïve, aren't you?"

"I'll have you know that I'm not," Remus replied huffily. "At any rate, I apologize for...invading your classroom. I just sort of panicked at that point, and all I could think to do was run straight to the one person who could scare any woman away."

"Cute, Lupin. So the big, bad wolf came racing down here to cower behind the cranky Potions Master. Do you really think the world finds me that frightening?"

"Well, you intimidate the hell out of me," Lupin replied frankly.

Hermione heard Professor Snape give a great sniff--of derision or entertainment, she wasn't certain. "I'm sure. I can't imagine why you fled from love's open arms, though--and face it, Lupin; she's likely the best you're going to get. I can just imagine the hairy little myopic, shrill-voiced progeny the two of you would have had. Such a pity."

"You really are a wanker, Severus," Remus replied, although he said it with rather enough fondness that even Snape didn't seem to find it insulting.

"And you've just gone and broken her fragile, doomsaying heart. The poor girl. God knows how long she's been harbouring a fancy for you."

"She hasn't," Remus insisted. "She bloody barely knows me! If she did know me, she wouldn't be quite so eager to shack up, would she? You know; you've seen what I really am. Tell me, how many women, after seeing a bloke in that state, would really keep on adoring him? Very few, I should think."

"I think you underestimate the masochistic tendencies inherent in the female half of the species," Severus replied mildly. "And what do you want, if not someone who has her heart set on you? Trelawney predicts doom and gloom every damn day. I doubt a little thing such as lycanthropy would put her off. She'd merely predict you eating people. It'd probably keep her happy."

"Ha. Well, I am not interested in Sybil."

"Perhaps you'll like the next girl who is taken in by your rampant pheromones," Snape suggested.

"I'm already interested in someone, so I really hope this pheromone idea of yours is off the mark. I don't need more women to fight off!"

The room seemed to get very quiet for a long time, and Hermione started to worry that Remus was about to leave and catch her listening in.

Finally, "What do you want, then?" Snape asked.

"Someone who knows me," Remus replied.

Sudden footsteps reminded Hermione of herself, and she hurried back to Gryffindor tower. She felt guilty about Trelawney--how could she have known Remus would react so badly? But she also felt strangely sorry for Professor Lupin. She stayed awake late that night, lying in bed and thinking. I'm already interested in someone. Who in the world could that be? And how could she find out? Hmmm. Someone who knows me. Perhaps...she'd been going about it the wrong way from the very beginning.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Hermione used Harry's cloak to sneak into Professor Lupin's rooms early the next morning, feeling sure that, being the day before the full moon and having stayed up late the night before, he'd probably not even awake while she was there. Unfortunately, all did not go quite as planned. She was able to make it inside unseen, but just as she was about to find a place to leave her parcel, a knock came on the door.

Hermione froze, and watched in horror as Lupin emerged from the bedroom, shirtless and bedraggled, heading straight for her. He yawned hugely, saying, "I'm coming," when the knock came again. Hermione barely managed to duck out of the way in time, and the professor continued to the door, yanking it open. "Oh...Severus." Remus rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands. "You've the Wolfsbane, I see. Excellent."

Snape was merely staring at him, bottomless black eyes rather wider than normal. "Uh. What? Yes, the...Wolfsbane. You obtuse...bugger." He swallowed, and seemed to be getting a grip on himself. "There, yes--inconsiderate imbecile that you are--you might have come and gotten it yourself, rather than forcing me to bring it to you."

Remus blinked a bit at this, seemingly still not up to speed. "Well...but it's only six thirty in the morning. Surely I could have come and gotten it later in the day? It never occurred to me to bother you this early."

Snape stood back, brows drawn menacingly together. "Are you implying that it's a nuisance that I make your thrice-damned potion and bring it to your door?"

Remus immediately waved his hands in front of him defensively. "Heavens, no! Look, I'm not up to matching your acid wit this early. I didn't mean anything by it. It was kind of you to bring it to me, and I'm grateful that you spent your time brewing it. I know it must be tedious to go through the motions every month. Really, I'm quite sorry, Severus. And thank you."

Once again, the Alpha Male postures, showing off his status, which the pathetic Beta Male is only too happy to reinforce. What is wrong with him, anyway? The Alpha Male, satisfied that the Beta Male has shown adequate gestures of deference, treats the Beta Male to a rare moment of approval.

"You're welcome, you sheep-worrying pest. I know...you need this potion, and I know...that you've forgotten it in the past. We wouldn't want any accidents, would we? At any rate, get some rest. I...am aware...that you tend to be rather run down around the full moon, and you'll need your energy to keep outrunning Sybil."

Remus gulped down the potion and grimaced, though Hermione felt the look could have had more than one cause. "Is she still after me?"

"Well, you didn't exactly tell her you weren't interested," Snape pointed out with fine logic. "And you can't expect me to keep on fighting your battles for you."

Remus sighed unhappily. "I know that," he responded quietly. "I just dislike the idea of hurting her feelings."

"Oh, stop being such a milquetoast," Severus retorted bitingly. "You spend far too much of your time bending over and taking it." Remus gave him a shocked look, and Snape's sallow cheeks coloured. "Just--stand up for yourself and do as you like, for once in your damned life. Are you a man--er, wolf, or are you a mouse? It's really quite painful to see you timidly begging your pardon through life. Now. I have classes to teach, since I--unlike some I could name--cannot afford to lounge around eating bon bons in order to console myself before my gruesome change. Good day, Lupin."

Hermione wondered why Lupin seemed so disappointed after Snape had gone, merely putting the goblet out for a house elf to retrieve, and heading back to bed with a large frown. It was kind of Remus to try to befriend the man, but why did his good favour matter so much?

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

Hermione spent most of the next day feeling guilty. She was pretty certain she'd crossed the line by going into Lupin's chambers and leaving a 'token of affection.' After all, she wasn't being very unprejudiced in her studies if she was going and interfering in Lupin's life, was she? On the other hand, he was doing a piss-poor job of handling things himself. If it were up to him, he'd be single the rest of his life! And how would that possibly help her dreams of a book deal?

She managed to shrug off her misgivings until a couple of days later, when she secretly followed Remus into the staffroom. She might have noticed that he was walking a bit more purposefully than he usually did, but mostly she just chalked it up to his feeling better now that the full moon had passed. She just barely managed to squeeze into the room after him, and froze when she realized that the table was occupied by one superbly casual Severus Snape.

Remus marched right in, stood squarely in front of the man, and stared down at him. What was going on? She'd never seen him behave so assertively with Snape. Had something happened to reverse their rolls? Eagerly, she watched, Quill poised over parchment.

"Severus," Remus said in a challenging voice.

The Potions Master looked just the teeniest bit uncertain. "What is it you...unrelenting idiot?" he asked. "Dear Merlin, I do believe I'm running out of new adjectives to insult you with. The end of the world draws nigh. I don't suppose you would care to give me some new ammunition?"

Remus ignored this. "Did you leave me chocolates as some sort of romantic gift?" the werewolf demanded. Unseen, Hermione cringed. The man was so stupid! Why the hell would he think they were from the Potions Master? This was not at ALL how she'd planned it to go!

Snape merely blinked. "Ah, yes. I do believe my arsenal of slurs and scathing remarks has filled right back up, thank you very much. What the hell are you talking about? Why would I leave you chocolates, unless they were tinctured with high doses of deadly metallic elements? And have you lost your bleeding mind?"

Lupin flushed a bit at this, but retained a stubborn frown. "Well, who else could have got into my study in the middle of the night? I found them just after you left, with a note that read, 'I've noticed you, too.' And you're one of the few people who knows my weakness for fine dark chocolate. You MENTIONED bon bons! You did! Admit it!"

Now Snape flushed. "Yes--well--I--you. I admit nothing! I most certainly did not leave you any sodding chocolates, and I greatly resent being accused of romantic overtures! How extremely offensive! Besides, everyone knows your chocolate fetish. It's practically a school legend. I can hardly be blamed if your bizarre werewolf chemistry is acting up and creating mutant female stalkers who break into your chambers and leave you gifts. And what a disturbing thought!"

Remus paled. "You don't think--Trelawney?"

Snape considered this. "Did you end things with her?"

"There were no 'things' to end!" Remus shouted, clearly shaken.

Snape sighed. "Did you clarify your position, then, you wretched swot?"

His colleague's shoulders hunched defensively. "Well, there hasn't exactly been time. I've been a wolf, you know. Besides, she almost never comes down from her ivory tower, and I'm not about to go up there and get trapped alone with her. I've already been molested once."

Snape suddenly loomed above the table, his jaw set. "Fine, you drooling abnormality. If you're such a coward as all that, I'll come with you and see it done. Good?"

Remus looked shocked. "You'd do that for me?"

Snape inclined his head fractionally. "To avoid future intrusions on my time and patience, and accusations of amorous propositions, yes. Every time I turn around these days it seems like I find you, loathsome affliction that you are, stalking me, hiding behind me, or apparently suspecting me of harbouring some sort of infatuation with you. This has got to stop. I won't pretend that bits of it weren't amusing, but it's really cutting into the time I usually spend working up new depths of torture to bestow on Potter and Longbottom under the guise of detentions. Now, shall we go?"

The werewolf seemed to reflect on this. "Er. Can't it wait until morning? After all, I'd be so much more prepared if I'd had a good night's sleep and a cup of tea, and--"

"Turn around and march, you ruddy beast! Move!" He swept Professor Lupin towards the door and out into the hall, with Hermione following hurriedly, scribbling away. "And after that, you can tell whomever you have feelings for of your deep, passionate, and doubtlessly soppy and revolting sentiments."

"But I--"

"Ha! I've heard that before. No, I've quite had it with the accursed soap opera that is your life. It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't quite so intent on dragging me into it at every step, but as it is, I must draw the line. If I thought you were capable of handling the situation for yourself, I would leave you to it--but obviously, Casanova, you lack both the will and the intelligence to do so."

"Um. But what if...uh. Er. My...intended paramour doesn't share my interest?" Remus asked, an edge of anxiety running along his hoarse voice.

"My dear Lupin, I don't care if she slams the door in your face, causing you to lock yourself in your room for a week and gorge on cheap chocolates. The point is; it will no longer be my problem."

"Ah. I see," the werewolf replied with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.

"In either case, there will be closure," Snape blithely concluded.

The timid Homo sapiens lycanthropus has been chased from his...er...the communal lair by the far bolder Magister potionum vulgarus, who--as the Alpha Male--has abruptly decided to help the noble werewolf in his quest for a mate. Male A allows himself to be steered towards the quarters of Female B, in order to confront her about his lack of interest in pursuing a relationship.

Hermione had some misgivings about this. After all, she had certainly never meant to hurt the Divinations teacher, even if she was a batty, sentimental old bint. Also, Remus' obvious reluctance was giving her pause. Couldn't Snape see that Remus didn't want to do this? The Potions Master was a bossy, interfering bastard, that was all. And an oblivious one, at that. She practically had to run to keep up.

Thud! Thud! Severus smacked his fist on the wall beside the ladder to the Divination Tower. "Who's the-ere?" came Trelawney's voice in a happy sing-song. Both men and Hermione shuddered just a little. The woman's empty, scarf-enshrouded head appeared above them. "Well, my inner-eye forewarned me--"

"Sybil, come down here a moment," Snape demanded in a clipped voice. "And you will notice that I took the time to knock before disturbing you, despite the fact that you own no door on which to knock?"

The woman clambered down the ladder. Hermione could tell she thought she was descending it gracefully, or was at least making the effort, but her lanky frame made it seem awkward and silly. "There," she announced. "Now, the spirits have told me I must speak with poor Professor Lupin alone. It's terribly fortunate that you've come!" she added, turning to him. "A wondrous thing lies in your future!"

"Well, he doesn't want to be alone with you, and whatever wondrous thing he's got lying before him, it isn't going to be you," the Potions Master announced firmly.

"Well!" Trelawney gathered her scarves around her, drawing herself up. "And just what business is it of yours? I see awful things in your future--just frightful things! Like--like lots of insects, and I see you being chased, and drowning--and there you are, being ripped to pieces--you--set upon by a ravenous beast! Yes! It's leapt upon you, and is gnawing at your throat, and--"

"Very well, very well," Snape told her crossly. "I'll be sure to wear my thicker collars for the foreseeable future then, shall I?"

She gave him a wounded, reproachful look and turned to Lupin. "And my dear Professor! You poor, misunderstood man!"

"Er. Well...you see," Remus began, when Trelawney flung her arms around him.

"It will be all right! You've come, you see! You've made the right decision. And such bliss you will know...for truly, where you least expected it, love has been waiting for you!"

"Oh! I--argh!" He flailed a bit, trying to push her off, as Trelawney smothered him with her lips.

Male A finds himself in dire jeopardy when Female B attacks, attempting to asphyxiate him with her dreadful perfume, and capture him forever. Or something. Male B scowls, obviously at a loss at how to help his...packmate? Partner?...since his direct approach was a failure. Clearly, further steps will need to be taken on behalf of Male A.

"Sybil. Sybil. Right, that's it, then," Snape growled, yanking her off of Lupin. "Bloody homewrecker, keep your hands off of him!" he announced loudly to the fuming seer, before spinning his male colleague around and kissing him soundly.

"Mph!" was all Remus managed to get out, before slumping in defeat, sagging against the Potions Master. Hermione felt terrible. This was all her fault. If only she'd left well enough alone, poor Remus wouldn't be having to go through all this.

When the werewolf had been thoroughly shown to belong to the Potions Master, Severus broke away. Trelawney was staring at the men in something like shock. Her nervous, always-gesturing hands were twitching. "You--you--you're...queer?"

"Flaming," Severus said dourly, grabbing Remus by the wrist and wrenching him back down the hallway. "Goodnight, Sybil," the Potions Master continued in a flat, yet somehow slightly smug voice.

"Sorry," Remus added. He sounded aggrieved.

Hermione followed them back to Snape's quarters, where he poured himself a large glass of something evidently alcoholic, and watched as Remus followed suit. "Aren't you just making yourself at home?" the Potions Master noted acerbically.

"I need a drink," Remus said in a voice suspiciously like a growl. He tossed the contents of his glass back, downing it all at once, as Hermione gazed on.

Snape didn't seem impressed. He dropped gracefully onto a sofa and looked up at the werewolf expectantly. "Well? Aren't you going to thank me?"

"Thank you!? Th--thank...THANK YOU?" Remus stuttered, slamming his glass down on a desk. "For WHAT, may I ask? For outing me in front of God, Hogwarts, and the Divinations professor?"

"You seemed to be in trouble--I was sure you'd want me to do something. I certainly wasn't going to kiss her--that would only have had the dingbat chasing after me. And besides, it would only have been outing you had you actually been gay," Severus said. "I admit that there may be rumours about you floating about in the near future, but considering the source, I doubt most people will take them very seriously." He gave an expansive gesture with his glass before taking another sip.

Remus was staring at the man with a very stony face. "You know, I think that's a big part of the problem."

"What're you on about now?" Severus sighed, resting his head against the back of the seat, closing his eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I mean that nobody takes me seriously. No one ever listens to what I want. Everyone just expects me to go along with them. The only one who even halfway pays attention is you, and half the time you get it wrong, and the other half you use it to mess me about. I'm sick of not being taken seriously," the werewolf continued in a grim voice.

"Then stop being such an utter pansy," Severus retorted. "If you stand up for yourself, and refuse to be walked on, then so much the better, I'm sure. For you, at any rate. I'll be sorry to lose a convenient doormat, but there you go." He took another swig of alcohol.

"And is that what I am to you?" Remus snapped, clearly angry. "Right. Stand up for myself? Can do." He began unbuttoning his jacket, his face set in a ferocious scowl of concentration. "I've bloody well had it, and I'm not going to take it any more."

"That's the spirit," Snape responded with some boredom. "And of course that's what you are to me. I hardly think of you as an old chum." Then he looked up to see the werewolf loosening his tie, and stiffened. "Lupin? What are you doing?" He watched with a minor amount of trepidation as the other man dropped his coat across the back of a chair.

"You keep telling me to stand up for myself and not let people walk on me," the werewolf responded. Hermione was beginning to get nervous. There was a feverish light in Lupin's eyes. His entire body was tense, and she could see he was close to becoming physical. Frightened, she ducked down on the other side of Snape's desk. She certainly didn't want to be in their way when the fur started to fly. Glancing at the door, she wondered if she could get help in time.

Severus was looking rather nervous now. "Yes? Well?"

"Well, it starts with you, old chum." Remus was rolling his sleeves up.

Snape bolted to his feet. "Now, Lupin. See here, you--"

"Shut up, Severus," Remus said in a flat voice. "You do recall all the recent conversations we've had, don't you?" Hermione tensed. It looked as though all of Snape's insults were finally coming back to him. "And then, you go yanking my chain, thinking it's amusing. It really isn't. You're right about one thing, though; it's time I stood up to you, at the very least."

"Lupin! You--ermph-mph-mhp!"

Hermione risked a quick glance over the top of the desk, and saw Lupin attacking Snape. Oh, no! Male A, apparently snapping under the pressure of Male B's constant harassment, suddenly turns feral, and begins mauling the unfortunate Magister potionum vulgarus.

"I know you were the one who left the chocolates, Severus. Admit it," Professor Lupin snarled.

In a reversal of roles, the usually docile Male A has abruptly challenged Male B for the role of dominant male! Pinning him to the wall, he...he seems to be biting the neck of Male B, attempting to force the Magister potionum vulgarus into submission--and Male B, twit that he is, will absolutely not give an inch to Male A. What a terrifying look into the mysterious world of these two magnificent creatures!

"Lupin, you complete lunatic! I had nothing to do with those blasted sweets! Didn't you say the note said something about knowing you were interested in them? Foul fiend! Stop gnawing my earlobe. Er. The sucking's not so bad though, actually..."

Lupin jerked back suddenly, still trapping the Potions Master against the wall, hands clenching the man's shoulders. "Liar," he said in a harsh voice, and went at Snape's neck again. "Know you left the chocolates," he rumbled against the man's skin.

Lycanthropus viciously mauls Male B, and Male B slumps against the wall, finally surrendering! Unfortunately, it seems as though the bloodlust of Male A cannot be staunched by Male B's acceptance of the reversal of rank. No longer the stately, gentle beast we are used to, Male A has been transformed into a graceful--but deadly--predator. Oh, dear. Severus moaned in apparent pain, and Hermione decided she would just have to do something. After all, this was entirely her fault, and she'd just have to take responsibility.

"Professor Lupin! Stop!" She leapt out from behind the desk, throwing the invisibility cloak off. She raised her wand, ready to defend herself if necessary. "Please, it's my fault; I'm the one that left you the chocolate."

There was a sudden silence, followed by two men leaping away from one another and making a hurried attempt to straighten their clothing. "Er. Er. What? Hermione? I--but I wasn't looking at you--"

"And you were looking at me, apparently," Snape interrupted, sounding just a tad self-satisfied.

"Stop that," Remus said resentfully. "Hermione, why would you do something like that?"

Flushing, Hermione explained, in a stilted voice, about her failed experiment, while Remus stared with shock, and Snape looked on with something like amusement. As she spoke, Hermione took in the Potions Master's undone buttons, and the flush in Lupin's cheeks. I may have gotten hold of the wrong end of the stick, here...

Snape snorted at her interpretation of events, but made little comment, and Remus merely listened. "And so I figured that if I implied the gift was from whomever you liked, you'd...er, you know...make overtures towards them, and I'd be able to document it. I mean, that way you'd be doing all the work for me. But I never dreamed you'd think they came from Professor Snape!" The Potions Master gave Remus a hard look when she told them about the chocolates, and Remus waved his hand dismissively.

"How was I to know?" he muttered at the man. "After all, it was just after we had that discussion, and...and you dropping all those hints about how well you 'know' me."

At this, the normally pale professor coloured a bit, and Hermione began fitting certain events into place. After all, things made a lot more sense once you saw them in a different light. Perhaps Remus did assume the chocolates were from the person he had feelings for. And Snape, while vehemently denying any interest in the werewolf, had been awfully possessive--not to mention helpful and talkative--around Remus lately. And she had nearly gone and really made a bungle of their lives. She wondered if there was some way she could help fix things a bit.

"Well, I'm afraid you've earned yourself something of a detention," Remus said when she'd finished. "And you're also going to explain things to Professor Trelawney, and apologize as well."

"I say...is that wise?" Hermione asked contemplatively. "After all, she's already off your back. If I tell her it all amounted to a--just a juvenile prank, what's to say she won't decide--er. You know. That since...you two really aren't...um. What's to keep her from deciding to give you another go?" She bit her lip nervously. "I just mean...if you aren't particularly in love with anyone else, then what harm could it do to let Trelawney think the two of you are involved? That way, she'll leave you both alone, and you won't have to explain that you just don't like her." And I can keep an eye on the two of you for any developing intimate relations.

Snape glanced at Remus. "You know, for an exasperating egghead, she may have a point."

Lupin's cheeks flamed. "Er. I don't suppose it could hurt. I'll...I'll think it over. For now I want you, Hermione, to get back to your dorm. And absolutely no more following me about! I'm going to have to speak with the Headmaster about your recent lapse of good judgement."

Hermione's face fell. "Yes, sir."

"Oh, good. And may I be present when you explain to him that you allowed Trelawney to engage you in a gesture of physical communion, and then attempted to force yourself on me?"

Lupin froze. "I--I didn't--I. Oh, Severus. I'm really very sorry; I never intended--any sort of--of--sexual harassment. I apolo--"

"Yes, yes. I'm sure I can find various entertaining ways for you to make it up to me over the next few weeks. My point was that we'd likely all lose our jobs, if we didn't get hauled in for a lemon drop-coated lecture, that is. So while Miss Granger's latest exploits were...remarkably Slytherin in nature, I feel that it would do no good to report her to Dumbledore. I believe we can supervise any punishments quite nicely on our own. Yes? No?"

"Yes...well...I suppose you're right," Remus said in an agonized voice. "But I don't want her to get the wrong ideas about doing the honourable thing."

"Dash the honourable thing, Lupin! It was all a great bloody misunderstanding, after all! I just don't want to look like an idiot when you explain it. Nor do you, I'm sure, nor does she. It wasn't as though she was purposely trying to turn us both into rampant homosexuals or anything. Right?"

"I guess when you put it like that...very well. Off to bed, Hermione. I'll discuss this with you further tomorrow."

Hermione leapt for the door, grateful to be getting off without the Headmaster--or her parents, for that matter--knowing anything about what happened. And wondering what Snape was up to. He'd not only been lenient--in and of itself startling and out of character enough to be terrifying--but he'd paid her a sort of backhanded compliment by suggesting she was a bit Slytherin. She made a good act out of scampering away, thrilled to be out of it--but stopped outside the door, pulling out an extendable ear. She'd come this far, after all. She just had to know.

"Um. But don't you think Trelawney will find out we're not actually together once the other staff members say something to her?" Lupin was asking.

"It's doubtful. She hardly ever comes downstairs, and when she does...well. In the first place, no one in the school is going to stand up and say, 'Oh, Remus Lupin could never be gay; I wouldn't believe it!' Especially after the way you drooled over Black for all those years."

"I didn't! I didn't--I--well. Might have done, just a little..." Remus admitted, his voice trailing away in embarrassment.

"And the Headmaster already knows I'm queer, so he's hardly likely to set her straight, is he? He'll just assume we actually are having relations--he's such a bloody optimist, it's disgusting. I anticipate the worst consequence out of the whole thing will be his endless congratulations on getting on so well, and learning to move past schoolboy grudges. And simpering, and twinkling eyes--that might be more than I can handle, mind you."

"Yes, but...you don't intend to tell him we're not sleeping together?" Hermione detected a strong current of hope in the werewolf's voice. "And--since when are you homosexual? You never told me that!"

"Why the hell would I? It's my own damned business. And...I suppose I could learn to suffer the ignominy of supposedly having a werewolf lover. If I were amply compensated, of course." Snape's voice was very sly, and Hermione's shoulders twitched in anticipation.

"What would you want?" Lupin responded, sounding wearily resigned.

The Potions Master laughed quietly. "Nightly repetitions of the experience my ear had earlier with your tongue?" he suggested.

"I...really? Because...I thought you were dropping hints, before...I simply didn't trust myself enough to hope..." She heard Remus swallow hard. "I really did think you'd left those chocolates," he finished lamely.

"Not my style," Snape informed him. "Although I thought, with your superior sense of taste, you might have noticed my experiments with your potion..."

"The Wolfsbane?" Remus asked, sounding puzzled. "It did taste odd, come to think of it, but I wasn't certain what was off."

Snape heaved a sigh. "I was afraid pure cocoa without any sugar wouldn't quite result in the same flavour."

"You...tried to make my potion taste like chocolate?" Remus asked, sounding suspiciously saccharine.

"Oh, good grief. Don't go tearing up over it--it was a simple enough endeavour. I suspect I might have better luck with less sweet flavours, if you'd be inclined to give them a try."

"That's--yes, I'd like that. That's...kind of you," Remus said.

"Yes, well, I've always...what are you doing? I can undo my own buttons if I like them that way, thank you very much. Lupin, cease that snuffling at my hair at once!"

"I'm going to share my shampoo with you, I think," the werewolf announced.

"Oh, very nice," Snape replied sarcastically, as Hermione hid a smile and prepared to leave. "I suppose it gives one a glossy coat, does it? No biting, damn you! I don't care how high my collars are, I'd never live it down if any of those wretched little monsters discovered you'd given me a string of love marks."

"Severus...you talk far too much." Remus' voice was husky.

"That's only because I, unlike so many others, actually have pertinent things to say. What are you doing!? Don't rip it, for Merlin's sake! Just give me a chance to take it off! Stop being so impatient, blast you! Here, tell me what you want off and I'll remove it myself. Clumsy oaf!"

Hermione muffled her snickers with her hand. It didn't sound as though Remus was as much of a Beta as she'd previously thought.

"Here...can't...my tie," she heard the werewolf mutter. "And kick your shoes off, as well," he added as an afterthought. "Where's the bedroom? Hurry up, would you?"

Their voices faded, Lupin's low and urgent, and Snape's exasperatedly muttering prevarications and curses. All in all, it sounded like they were enjoying themselves. Yanking her Quill and parchment from her bag, Hermione considered the situation

Male A begins amorous advances towards Male B, who reluctantly allows himself to be inspected closely. Apparently finding that Male B is to his liking, Male A carefully makes physical demonstrations of sexual interest, which are grudgingly accepted by Male B. Male A divests Male B of his outer coat and...clothing, and Male B seems to be doing the same for Male A. Male A is surprisingly inelegant in his mating dance, but Male B takes little notice, save to threaten to bite Male A's head off if anything is torn in the process. Male A finds a suitable mate in Male B, and both seem to begin adjusting their expectations accordingly. The Beta Male--if indeed he remains such--convinces the Alpha Male to retreat into the Alpha's lair, where they may find privacy, and explore their newfound interest without disruption. Hermione grinned. It remains to be seen whether Male A will be able to build a longstanding partnership with Male B, but I am hopeful things will work out, and will continue a...discreet observation of the pair. In any case, I am truly blessed to have been able to witness the exciting interaction of the noble Homo sapiens lycanthropus and his impressive Magister potionum vulgarus.

Happily, Hermione slipped Quill and paper back inside her bag, and headed back to her rooms. She was very glad things seemed to have turned out all right. And though she didn't like to think she was nosy, she did wonder how difficult it would be to set up a recording device in the dungeons. Well, maybe she'd leave their mutual lair undisturbed and in peace...for now, anyway.