black roses from the past

London became a small dot in the distance as trees rolled by the bright red train. Fog covered up my tiny window as I breathed on it. I love...I stopped, before I repeated the process I had so many times earlier in life done. Carefully writing with my index finger the name I held so close for an entire year. But I stopped remembering all the pain that name caused. Spain. I wrote instead, letting the sweet memories of orange trees in the front yard and grape vines hanging from my window flash through my head. The shouts of my younger brother running through the yard dragging that old ragged teddy bear he never left behind. I closed my eyes letting all the pain add up into my mind. I let image after image flash inside my brain: blood stained teeth, a soft teddy bear on the floor torn into pieces, a cold, pale hand touching mine trying to lead me away. I opened my eyes, never letting the tears that had threatened to come fall. I never cry. I thought as a great mass of black jumped into my lap. "Hi Willow," I said stroking the black cat. It purred as the door to our compartment opened. A tall, black haired boy entered, alone. "Hi, are you the new fourth year?" he asked, politely.

Well momsie did plead with me to make new friends, I thought, looking at the boy. He was no doubt cute, and had some muscles underneath his black shirt.

"Hi, and yeah I'm the newbie," I finally said as Willow jumped off my lap.

"Thanks."

I looked up at the boy who was now sitting down in the vacant seat. I knew he hadn't spoken, but said that. God, I have issues.

"So what's Hogwarts like?" I asked as I let the guy study me.

"Well it's really dull if you're the kind who strives for A's, but loads of ass kickin' fun if you like making the other side's life hard."

I laughed.

"And what kind are you?" I asked, praying he wasn't the nerdy kind.

He grinned. "Neither really. I just kinda sit back and watch the other two."

"So you're a bystander in other words?"

He nodded. "Well besides that there's not much to Hogwarts. You have your normal evil teachers from hell, boring classes, and the wonderful Quidditch field. That and all those delicious meals. Plus your normal rule breaking which leads you to our wonderful dentention system where you're seen by Filch, our caretaker, and sent to clean up every freakin' bed pan in the hospital wing. That or you're caught out of bed by Peeves, and sent to clean up every freakin' bed pan." He smiled.

I had to laugh. I may actually enjoy this year, I thought as the door opened again to reveal, this time, a small dark girl with long black hair. "Hey, Sal? Jordan wants to see you in the fifth year car," she said eyeing me. The boy, Sal, turned to look at me.

"Well nice meeting you..." he stopped aware he didn't know my name.

"Paige," I said, filling in the blank.

He smiled. "Salnac, and this is my best friend, Ivory," he said pointing to the girl behind him.

"Hi," I said as Salnac got up.

"What does he want?" he asked as Ivory walked into the cart.

She shrugged. "Said something 'bout a new dung bomb..." she said, not really caring by her voice.

"Just a bystander?" I said as he grinned.

"Can't help from having some fun once in a while," he said waving then leaving.

I looked up at Ivory, who still remained inside the cart. "So Ivory, what year are you in?" I asked hoping she was something like Salnac.

She sat down and smiled a little. "Fourth year the same as you. Sal's in fifth though, but we're both in Gryffindor." Her eyes narrowed trying to analyze me.

I laughed. "I'm not an ex-convict, or a druggie. Promise. Although I once auctioned off a friend of mine, and I got in serious trouble for changing the headmaster's bedroom into a hot pink wonderland, I've never really been labeled as a trouble maker."

Ivory laughed. A nice sweet laugh.

"Well that's nice to know, because I don't often associate with trouble makers." She smiled.

"So where are you from? Your clothes look kinda um foreign," she said glancing at my ruby colored skirt and long sleeved black shirt.

"Spain," I said, starting that long conversation, you know, where they ask questions to be polite, and you give long boring answers about yourself? Yeah, well, skipping over all those details and going forward about an hour and a half...

The ground felt hard after being on the train so long. Everywhere girls and boys from all ages ran pass me as I tried to take in everything. "Hey, Paige, this way!" Ivory said as she waved to me some ten feet away from the train. I walked over to her, leaving my cat and luggage aboard as I was instructed.

"Where's the castle?" I asked looking around for the famous Hogwarts.

"Somewhere behind these woods but first we have to load up into the carriages," she said pointing to the black, horseless carriages that stood behind her.

"Hey, Ivory! You never came back." A boy came up to us faking a pathetic pout.

"Sorry, Jordan. I got caught up in talking with my new friend," she said pointing at me.

"Paige," I said shaking the boys hand.

"Nice to meet you. Salnac told me there was a new fourth year," he said.

"Hey, guys, let's get going. And Jordan, stop staring at Paige's butt," Salnac yelled as he jumped into a nearby carriage.

Jordan laughed as I rolled my eyes at Ivory who was laughing. Jordan climbed in and Ivory sat by him.

Salnac grinned as he patted the seat beside him. "I won't bite. Promise," he said as I grinned and sat down.

The ride was fun and full of laughs, because the only way to live is to laugh at life, as Jordan put it. Our first glimpse of Hogwarts came as we flew over the woods and a tall turret arose in the background. The sun was slowly descending, so tiny traces of pink and purple blanketed the sky, making Hogwarts seem more magical then it already was. The castle was eight times larger than I thought it would be, and much more impressive.

I can't wait to get lost, I thought as we all stared silently outside.

Everyone after that begin talking to me about the houses, as Ivory explained, I would be adopted into as family. Slytherin sounded evil and Hufflepuff sounded gay. Ravenclaw was no doubt for the people Salnac liked to torture, and Gryffindor sounded fun like the group.

Everyone was led into a great big room with plates and four long tables facing north and south and one long tall table facing east and west in the back of the room. This table was occupied, with no doubt, by the teachers from hell.

"You have to wait here to be sorted," Ivory explained as she, Salnac, and Jordan wished me luck and left for a table decked out in gold and red. I stood with a bunch of first years waiting for our utter most doom...

The sorting.

A tall young teacher walked forward carrying a scroll and old battered hat which she set down on a stool. Several older students smiled, remembering this suspenseful moment where the hat would sing a song, and McGonagall would one-by-one alphabetically call out people's names to sit on the stool and timidly put on the hat and hear the one word that would be forever chanted in Quidditch games, and hollered at banquets.

The first years went through the whole operation as clumsily as you would expect, several falling off the stool when their house was finally called out. The word spoken - would you believe it? - by the hat itself.

It was as if the hat had a brain and life itself, which, at any rate must be a boring life considering it was locked up in the headmasters room all year until the start of a new term. One-by-one all the first years were sorted, and then it came my turn.

"Ensewin, Rose"

The tall witch said and then stopped, confused, as her scroll lit into blue flames and burned up. Silence pierced the room like an arrow and everyone stared at the one witch left to be sorted - me.

I tried not to blow up the room, my anger raising. Then taking a deep breath I walked forward. "My name is Paige Ansewin, not Rose," I said sitting down on the stool, holding the hat.

"Very well dear. So sorry... must have been a typo," the tall witch said stiffly as if she knew there really wasn't a typo. I crammed the hat over my head, catching only a glimpse of Salnac, Ivory, and Jordan's shocked faces. God, why me? I thought waiting for the hat to yell out loud that I wasn't a witch.

"Not a witch, eh?"

I looked up into the hat.

"I'm the sorting the hat, of Hogwarts, your thoughts are not hidden from me."

How do you know I'm not a witch? I thought suspiciously.

"Only witches and wizards can attend Hogwarts, you're just having ill luck, Paige"

I sat frozen. Please tell me what house I'm to be put in.

"Well you're very determined like a Slytherin," I shuttered. "And smart like a Ravenclaw; and loyal like a Hufflepuff; but I think you'd rather be in Gryffindor, wouldn't you?"

Just a tiny bit, you know considering all my friends are there.

"My, aren't we touchy. Well have it your way, then..."

"GRYFFINDOR!" the hat finally said. Then, as slowly as the hat took to decide, the room burst into claps and cheers as I stood up and walked over to sit by my new friends.

No one questioned why the scroll had burned up or why my name was mispronounced. For which, you could guess, I was happy about. That night as I lay in my new bed in the dormitories. I tried, like always, to not sink into my low level of depression so the thoughts that haunted me couldn't follow me in the morning. But as always the memories came, I tossed and turned and hummed, but nothing worked. I finally got up and went through my trunk until I found a prescription bottle. I unscrewed the top and swallow the sleeping pill dry. Gross, I thought, but the thought of sleep made me forget the feeling of a hard, dry, lump sliding down my throat like a bumpy slide ride. I lay on top of my covers, letting my mind sail into the shores of slumber, never seeing the black owl that flew into my window to drop a package on my bedside table.