Leaving You Behind

Chapter 2: Leaving You Behind

The moment I left, I felt your heart break into pieces, and it nearly killed me. Our auras are so closely linked, that I can feel almost anything that you feel, just as you can read me so effortlessly. It took all the strength I have to walk away, to not rush back into that room and beg you to forgive me. I had to continuously tell me that I was saving you, and that your safety meant more to me than loving and staying with you before something terrible happened to you, my fiery little one.

You always hated me calling you that, my little one. It reminded you of growing up the baby out of six older brothers. You wanted to be recognized as your own person, not just another redhead in your family. But what you didn't realize at the time was that you were different from the rest of your relations, at least to me. Your hair's a slightly different shade of red, darker and richer than your brothers' bright almost-orange hair. Your eyes are brighter than anybody else's, and your smile and laugh more beautiful and musical.

You were the first woman to ever love me for who I was. It still amazes me that after knowing my curse, being a werewolf, that you can look me in the eye and tell me you love me. You know the baggage I carry, how my life took a spiral down when Lily and James died. How I wished I'd believed in Sirius more, raged at myself for not knowing the traitor that Peter was, how I wanted to help Harry so badly when I couldn't even help myself. You understand how it feels to be the last Maruader standing, the last true one, since Peter is no longer one of us. He had forsaken that choice the moment he betrayed us.

I held you when the war began and you watched people you'd known practically known your entire life die. I soothed your tears when your family was hurt, when Harry almost sacrificed his life to bring Voldemort's end. You didn't know what war truly was, but I did. I had done that all before, and my personal mission was to love you, to protect you and to teach you how to deal with the repercussions that always come.

Loving me is a dangerous choice, but you chose it anyway. I've looked in your eyes a million times, and the only time I ever saw them upset was today, the day I closed the door on you. You see, Harry brought me to my senses, even if he didn't mean for it to come out the way it did. He was talking about how he was happy for us, that he could cope with the fact that at least I was the person that beat him to your heart. Then he said something that stopped me dead in my tracks. He said how it was a good thing you and I had figured out how to deal with my lycanthropy. Harry had looked at me quickly and apologized for saying it so bluntly, but that he had at first been worried about your safety, if something went wrong.

All the fears I had carefully suppressed during the war came back, and with a vengeance. My worries of how our age difference could smother your choices. You are so young, and with your entire life ahead of you. Being with me means giving up those experiences of dating around, experimenting with what you like and don't like. My fear of hurting you when I turn into a werewolf came back. How can we be so sure I won't hurt you? The Wolfsbane Potion could be made poorly, and I won't be tame at all during the full moon. I couldn't bear the thought of biting you, of giving you my curse.

So I walked slowly back to our home, taking the long way home for once. I contemplated what to do, what would be best for you. Then it came to me, a painful thought that I tried to push into the back of my mind, trying to forget, trying to come up with a better solution. But I slowly realized that there was no better choice; I had to leave you. I had to let you go, allow you to live your life fully, to be safer out there than you would ever be with me. And although it kills me to let you go, it was for your own protection and having you alive and well is all that matters to me, even if it does mean leaving you behind.

I walked into our home, and you came out of the kitchen and hugged me, just like it was any other day. I knew better. I gently put your arms down, and you stare up at me with those gorgeous eyes of yours, full of confusion. I explain to you what I'm about to do, and you argue with me. Your aura radiates pain, but you refuse to back down. You start shouting at me and I shout back. You beg me not to leave and I try my hardest not to crumble on the spot. I push you gently away, because I can't bear being that close to you anymore, and walk towards the door. I leave, and I hear you crying softly as I walk away.

I'm sitting in a bar now, and the bartender's starting to be a little less quick about handing over the drinks. I suppose that means I've had too much, and I think of you, wondering why I can't seem to keep you out of my head. Then I realize that it's because I still love you, even if I try to convince myself not to, to let you live your life happily with a man more worthy of you, somebody like Harry. Damn these drinks, they just bring memories back faster, and now I'm imagining lying in bed with you, arms wrapped around each other and simply just being in each other's company, like it's the only thing in this big wide world that we need.

Tonight I'll stay in some random motel, and when I lie down your face will not leave my mind. I'll tell myself I'm saving you, and I'll ignore this pain in my chest, right where my heart is. And it's all because I still love you, and that no matter where I go or how hard I try, it won't go away.