Shadows of Obsession

Shadows of Obsession

A Start from Ginny

One year. Twelve months. Fifty-two weeks. I keep saying the numbers over and over in my head - a continuous cycle of days. So many days have passed since I first uttered 'I do". It feels like I should be celebrating my tenth not my first anniversary.

I have the perfect life. I truly do. My house, or should I say mansion, brings a whole new meaning to the word 'grand'. For someone who grew up in a ram-shackled home that looked like it would collapse with the slightest wind, it's like living in a pure fantasy. My room is full of pretty little trinkets and jewels of every possible colour sit idle and unworn on my dressing table. I'm rich...I have more money that I could possibly ever spend. I can afford to buy the finest of clothes and the most expensive, pointless objects imaginable. And to top it all I have a husband who loves me. He is the most beautiful creature I have ever seen and conjures in me the strangest feeling I have ever known. He is Draco. He is my saviour and my lover. He is my best and only friend.

Without him I would never have recovered. After...it...happened I was beyond broken. I could feel my insides slicing against each other like shards of the sharpest glass whenever his name was mentioned. The pain, the real, actual pain was so intense that I felt like vomiting and crying and screaming all at the same time. I used to wake up in the morning only to count down the hours until I could return to my bed. Every instinct within me yelled at me to remain strong and to heal but I no longer cared enough to listen. I had lost the one thing in the world that truly mattered and nothing, nothing, could take away the hurt.

At first I hated the sight of Draco. I loathed the fact that I had once used him in order to hurt someone else. I hated how he could see into me and understand in a way no other living person could. So I pushed him away. At that stage I had felt drained and utterly empty but I still had the tiniest spark of fire left in me and I used it to rid myself of him. But no matter how much I protested he kept coming back. His perfect face remained impassive as I finally let loose and pounded my fists into his chest with as much strength as I could muster. "Why? Why?" I can remember half-shouting, half-crying over and over again. "Why did he have to go?" Draco could offer me no answers but I didn't care. The questions and accusations which had been suffocating inside of me were finally free and as guilty as it made me feel after, I couldn't deny that I felt better.

Months past and every day seemed to be just a little brighter than the one before. The pain never went but I became much better at hiding it. Much to the dismay of my brothers, Draco became my closet and most trusted friend. I never went far without him and in truth his presence became addictive. It offered something I desperately needed - a distraction. I constantly had to remind my family that Draco was a good man, something he had more than proved by destroying the last of the death eaters. It felt good to have him at my side. He was the only friend I had who wasn't deeply involved with the war. Talking to Hermione and Ron was growing more and more difficult. They were the only two people who came close to knowing what I felt and I hated them for it. They were a reminder, a horribly raw reminder of what I had lost. So the distant between us increased and soon after my visits to the Burrow and my family became less and less frequent.

My time was spent with Draco at the Manor. At first I had hated the foreboding and gothic beauty of his house but soon enough the darkness of it appealed to me. It became a home to me. The whole world had shrunk into two people - Draco and I. A Weasley and a Malfoy. Impossible but true. Months dragged by until at last I felt close to whole again. Although I hadn't spoken to my family or friends in over twelve weeks I felt calm and almost content - something I knew was a direct response of being with Draco. For some reason, on no special day, I kissed him. Up until this day, I still don't know what possessed me to take such bold action. I guess I wanted to see if he truly was a cure and if the pain would miraculously disappear when my lips tentatively touched his. It didn't disappear...

For the next eight weeks we took baby steps into becoming a real couple. I knew instinctively that it was the wrong answer to my problems but at the time it seemed a great deal easier than searching for the right one. I allowed myself to be transported back to my sixth year when for a short amount of weeks Draco was my lover. Although still numb, my heart raced every time I looked at him. He was beyond handsome, beyond beautiful. His pale features seemed almost too perfect and the hair, which swept over his shoulders, too white to be natural. But it was. He was real, he was alive and he wanted me. It came as no surprise when he bended down on one knee and proposed. The silence which stretched out after he finished his last word '...wife?" was truly bizarre. I felt the reply leave my mouth without any thought behind it. As it struck heavy in the air, my own bemused laughter filled my head. I looked down at Draco as if I was floating on another plane in a different reality. In my reality the head of hair should be black and the eyes looking expectantly up at me should have been as green as a pickled toad...

But no, they were grey, grey, grey...it made no sense but I had said 'yes' so it must be true...I was getting married...

So here I am hiding in our bedroom. I had to escape the insufferable conversations of the party guests. Draco's friends of course, I have none of my own anymore. Ron had declared the day before my wedding that he never wanted to see me again. I was a betrayer to the memory of his best friend. I was no longer his sister. I was Malfoy's whore.

"Here you are darling," Draco now says opening the door with a sly smile. "Finding refuge from the rich and senseless, can't say I blame you."

I let out a knowing sigh and lay back on the bed gesturing for my husband to join me.

"Draco, why did we invite such people? It's our anniversary, not half of the wizarding community's Friday night out."

Draco takes a strand of my hair and twirls it playfully around his fingers. "You know why Ginny. I have appearances to maintain. I hate the idiots as much as you trust me. But sometimes a little make-believe goes a long way." Draco says in a soft voice which sends shivers down my spine. I move closer towards him, enjoying the safety of his embrace.

At times like these I can almost forget about the war and...him. I can forget how lonely I am without my friends and family. I can forget that a part of me still remains horribly, unbearably empty. I sometimes get the strangest feeling of anticipation - like I'm waiting for something to happen but I just can't think what.

As I trail my fingers through his long, silky hair I tell myself that I'm happy. I have everything. Everything I never had. His hand curls around my stomach. He doesn't know that a small life is already growing inside me. I'll tell him soon, he's always wanted to be a father.

I'm Mrs Malfoy. I'm Mrs Malfoy I repeat again and again. I'm happy. I'm loved.

So why do I feel this way?