An Annoyingly Childish Spider-Bat Fic

An Annoyingly Childish Spider-Bat Fic

Chapter 1

Who am I? Are you sure you want to know? The story of my life is not for the faint of heart. But who gives a crap?

I'm a freaky guy who writes fan fiction stories that are published on the web. But when I turn on my computer, I become Spider-Bat, a handsome, strong superhero who enters the world of red-heads, hot girls, and a hero with ADD. J.K. Rowling would probably want to kill me.

My story isn't an easy one. In 2003, I was surfing the web when I was bitten by the extinct creature called a spider-bat. I then had superpowers. I could web things, make black holes to travel through, and enter my own imagination through the web.

I soon met Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. They were furious at me for giving Harry ADD, but I recommended Ron to this whole "write and it will come true" thing, so he's married to Britney Spears now.

As for Hermione, I made her a drunk and tried to marry her, but it soon became too hard and we had a divorce. She's still a drunken pig.

I then met Emma Watson, and we got married in one of my stories. The two of us are inseparable, as long as I'm writing a story. Then she goes back to the movie world, and longs for my next story to be written.

Today I write this story on the desk where Harry will die, but then come back to life, and then die again, and then come back to life again. Hey, it's my story, I can do what I want.

The story starts out with Harry peeing on a wall with Adam Sandler. He had been doing so since he put down his MAD Magazine. Adam's bladder was now empty, and so he walked off. Neville took his place and, well... you don't want to know.

Harry zipped up his pants and followed Adam over to the armchairs by the fire. "Adam," he said. "Don't you have a movie to film?"

"Nope," Adam said. "I like being here better. I always liked Hogwarts. I used to be a student here, you know."

"Gryffindor?"

"Ravenclaw," Adam said. "But I wanted to be in Gryffindor."

Ron came over to Harry. He had cotton balls in his ears because they were bleeding earlier. The poor guy had a hangover.

"HARRY," he said. "DO YOU HAVE A LUNCHABLE?"

"Yes, Ron," Harry said. He pulled a Lunchable out of his pocket. "Here you go."

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO LOUD!" Ron said. He opened the Lunchable and began eating.

Hermione wanted a Lunchable, too. She walked up to him with her bra on her head and said, "Bo-Bob, can I have a Lunchable, too?"

"Okay, Bra Girl, here you go,"

Hermione ate her Lunchable when she passed Dean while he was coloring. He wanted a Lunchable, too. "Harry, can I have a Lunchable?" he said. Harry gave him Lunchable.

Harry wondered where he got all these Lunchables, but he began checking out Hermione and the ADD took over.

Dan Radcliffe and Rupert Grint walked through the portrait. Harry noticed them and walked up to them.

"Hey, people who play me and my friend in a movie," Harry said. "Why are you here?"

"We came to look for Emma Watson," Rupert said. "Have you seen her?"

"Yeah," said Harry. "She was in the last crazy fic by Spider-Bat."

"We should find him!" Dan said. The two ran towards the portrait like Charlie's Angles when they were stopped.

"Not so fast, Dan," a voice said. "She is not here."

Spider-Bat swung down from the ceiling and landed right next to everyone.

"You have got to teach me how to do that," Dan said.

"Emma isn't here," Spider-Bat said. "She was kidnapped by Voldemort when she was making the transition from story to real world."

"Oh," said Dan. "That's okay. Mike Newell, the director, wanted to know where she was. That's all. Bye, Matt."

"Matt?" Harry asked. "I thought his name was Spider-Bat!"

"It is," Matt- I mean- Spider-Bat said. "Dan knows not to say my real name out in public.

"But technically, this isn't public," Rupert said. "It's your head."

Adam looked up and said, "Look, it's Superman!"

It was true; Superman crashed through the ceiling and hovered down next to Harry. "I hear you have Lunchables," he said. "and I want some."

Harry stuck out a Lunchable to Superman, but a bat-shaped boomerang whizzed around and caught the Lunchable.

"Bruce!" Superman yelled. "That was mine!"

Batman dropped down from the ceiling and ripped open the Lunchable. It was swiped out of his hand by spider web. Everyone looked at Spider-Bat.

"It wasn't me!" he said.

"It was me!" another voice said. Spider-Man webbed down from the ceiling. Just when he was about to eat the Lunchable, it was gone.

The Flash zoomed around the room and stopped at the wall, tearing open the packaging. The Lunchable turned green and was flown out of Flash's hands. Green Lantern had stolen it, but was bashed in the head by Thor's hammer.

Captain America grabbed it out of Thor's hands and ripped the Lunchable in two. "Why are we fighting over a lunch item?"

"Because their good," Thor said. "And I'm jealous of Spider-Man because he got more lines than me in the Visa commercial."

"Hulk no get lines," the Hulk said.

Captain America glared at Superman. "I see you're here," he said.

"And?" Superman said. "Are you just jealous because the world loves me more?"

"Everyone knows I'm the most loved superhero in the world!" Spider-Bat said.

"Who are you again?" Green Lantern asked.

"I'm Spider-Bat, the most powerful, handsome, smart-..."

"Can you fly?" asked Storm of the X-Men.

"No," Spidey said.

"Then you're not the best,"

"Hey, lady," Batman growled. "I can't fly, and the world knows who I am more than you!"

The superheroes got into a large fight about flying, super powers, and who gets Wonder Woman. Dan broke up the fight.

"People, please!" he said. "We have to find Emma!"

"I just came for a Lunchable," Hawk Man said. "I didn't know superhero stuff was involved."

"Hang on," Harry said, thinking for once. "How did you guys know there were Lunchables here?"

"I read it online," Iron Man said.

"Me too," said the Human Torch.

"Wait," said Spider-Bat. "Voldemort is my Beta reader! That must mean he knows about-..."

"Oh, Harry," Voldemort said. "Can I have a Lunchable?" He was holding Emma in one hand and Cho Chang in the other.

Spider-Bat knew that he had to do something fast, but not Harry. ADD took over and he was checking out Hermione again. Spider-Bat had to handle it on his own.

2/12/05