The Dilemma of Lily Evans

CHAPTER 2

"Locomotor Mortis!" cried Severus Snape as Lily rounded the corner of the Second Floor Corridor. A small, muffled cry came from her lips, as her limbs snapped into place at her sides and her back became rigid. She fell to the ground with a dull THUD. Her green, almond-shaped eyes were wide with astonishment as Severus stood over her, his greasy black hair swaying oddly with every movement. "So..." he muttered, staring coldly at her. "So...the filthy little mudblood loves Mr. Sirius Black." He did an impression of a swooning fit to emphasize his point.

Everyone in the hall stopped and stared. Snape wore a greasy grin as he shouted. "That's right! For everyone who did NOT witness our N.E.W.T. for Defense Against the Dark Arts, Ms. Lily Evans' bogart turned into Sirius Black kissing Marcia Simmons! The mudblood loves the pureblood, how delightful!"

Lily's finger twitched. The jinx was wearing off. She began to stand slowly, as though swimming through a particularly dense liquid. Her wand hand slowly made its way to the pocket in her robes, unknown to Snape, who was still giving his nasty speech.

She felt a warm, tingling sensation in her fingers. Able to move freely again, her hand plunged into her robes and withdrew her wand. However, Snape was quicker.

"Accio Wand!" he cried, and her wand flew from her hand into his. "Well now," he sneered. "The odds are against you Ms. Mudblood. You have no wand, and I have two. What are you going to do now?"

"Snivellus, leave her alone!" Sirius Black appeared as if he had apparated (although anyone who has read Hogwarts, A History knows that one cannot apparate or disapparate on the castle grounds).

"Ah," replied Snape coolly. "If it isn't her knight in shining armor. Come to rescue your love, Black?"

"Well, yes, in a way. Drop her wand and leave, Snivellus, before I cause you harm."

Snape scoffed, turning up his rather large nose in disgust. "You? Cause me harm? Unlikely."

Sirius grinned slyly, as though remembering a dirty joke. "I dunno, Snivellus. When James had you floating upside down after O.W.L.s and you were showing your rather gray underpants, you seemed to have received a substantial amount of harm. Even if it was not physical."

Snape's haughty grin slid of his face rather like raw egg. "You think you're so clever, don't you, Black?"

"Well yes, now it comes to it," replied Sirius, feigning deep consideration. "I've always considered myself somewhat on the intelligent side." The few people still left in the corridor chuckled nervously.

"And I suppose you think that you are the funniest creature ever made, don't you?"

Sirius glanced around wearing a bored expression. "I'm not here to have you examine my personality, Severus. I have Arithmancy for that. Let the girl go or our fellow students will have another nauseating view of your underwear." He held his wand menacingly in front of him, and his coal-dark eyes seemed to have ignited.

Snape looked around expectantly for some alternative. To his dismay, however, he found none. Even with two wands he didn't want to risk another incident like what had happened in his fifth year. He sighed audibly. "Must you go about spoiling everyone's fun, Black?"

"No," said Sirius seriously. "Only yours, Snivellus. Accio wand!" With that Lily's wand flew from Snape's grasp and into Sirius'.

Snape turned on his heel and stormed moodily down the corridor, his stringy hair swaying sickeningly.

"All right, Lily?" Sirius smiled, handing her her wand.

"Yeah. Yeah I suppose I'm okay." She looked down at the floor apprehensively, afraid to look up into Sirius' face. "Well, thanks. I'll be going, now." She turned around slowly, as thought making a sudden move might embarrass her even more.

"Lily, wait," Sirius put his hand on her shoulder to hold her back. She swung around to look at him and was struck once more by how dark his eyes were. They weren't cold, like Snape's, which reminded her of black ice. But they were warm, like a dark summer's night. He brushed his hair hurriedly out of his eyes, as he began to speak. "Look, Lily. I...I know that you ...well..." He looked about the corridor as though he might find the right words written in one of the paintings. "Well, I'll just come out and say it bluntly." He grinned at her look of horror, as though he thought this a funny joke. "You fancy me, don't you?"

Lily stepped back from him, clutching her wand and books tightly. "I...er...that is to say...uh..." She wondered vaguely if every other girl who had ever been this close to him had completely forgotten the English Language. Sirius' eyes stared through that window into her soul once more. Lily considered the possibility that he had studied Legilimency. Could it be?

Sirius smiled wistfully. "I...er...I fancy you, as well, Lily." Her heart gave a gigantic leap, as though it were going to reach a star. However, the star was entirely too far away, and the vital organ landed with a thud at the pit of her stomach at his next words. "But...it can't work."

Lily looked thunderstruck. "But...But why?" It's Marcia Simmons, I know it is, she thought bitterly. He's already going out with her, I bet. Oh how could I be so stupid? "Is it Marcia?"

Sirius shook his head, wearing a puzzled expression. "Why on earth do you think I'm dating Marcia Simmons?"

"Er...I dunno. It just seemed like a likely pairing."

"Lily," Sirius' voice resounded with something like pity. "Marcia's a dolt."

"But...I thought she got one-hundred and five percent on the last History of Magic exam! Anyone who can stand to do that well in Professor Binns' class has to be a genius!"

"She's clever, I suppose, when it comes to waving a wand and copying down what other people say. But, Lily, she doesn't think for herself. I doubt that girl has ever had an original thought in her head. I would never fancy someone so...dull."

Lily was confused. What other reason could he possibly have for denying them both happiness? "Then...Then I'm afraid I don't understand why it couldn't work. Between us, I mean."

"Lily," Sirius sighed painfully. "You know why. My best friend is James Potter. He's closer than a brother to me. If I went out with the girl he's liked ever since the second year, well, I'd loose my best friend. I...I don't know if I could handle that. Besides..." he put on a crafty grin. "If I wasn't friends with James, where would I go for Sunday brunch?"

Lily felt the same anger she had felt during her N.E.W.T. fall upon her like a tidal wave. "So instead of loosing you to another girl I'm loosing you to your best friend?" She could hardly bear the unfairness of it all. "I can't believe it! You're less of a man than I thought if you can't muster up the courage to stand up to that idiot."

"But..."

"Don't interrupt me, Sirius!" she yelled, obviously on a roll. "If you care more about Potter than you do about me, then it's a good thing it wouldn't have worked. Because heaven forbid anyone infringe upon the sanctity of the feelings of James Potter!" She stormed off toward the Gryffindor Common Room, leaving Sirius standing in the middle of the corridor. He looked like he could have been knocked over with a feather, and for once, Lily didn't care one bit.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Alice was sitting quietly in one of the squashy red armchairs nearest the fire when Lily yelled the password ("Wizengamot!") and stomped through the portrait hole.

"Lily? Are you okay?" Alice's eyebrows were drawn together in a concerned expression.

"Ugh! NO!" Lily spat, throwing her book bag to the ground and slumping into an armchair next to her friend. She relived the painful conversation to Alice, who listened attentively, her chin resting thoughtfully on her laced fingers.

"Sounds to me like you two will make the perfect couple," sighed Alice sarcastically after Lily had finished. "Honestly, Lily, maybe it's better if you two don't see each other. I'd hate to see the fight after the breakup if this is what it's like getting together!"

"Sure, you can laugh," Lily retorted bitterly. "You're love life's already set! You with your perfect boyfriend who blesses the ground you walk on."

"Lily," Alice sighed, obviously distressed. "Why do you keep bringing up Frank and me? I mean...is it be...because you're...jealous?"

"No I..."

"It's because," said a deep voice from behind a copy of Which Owl? "Lily wants to live her own life."

"What are you talking about, Remus?" Lily snapped, disgruntled. "Whose life am I living, then?"

"No one's. And everyone's."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Lily," Remus snapped his book shut, with a crack. "Why are you so angry at Sirius right now?"

"Because he won't stand up to his friend, admit he fancies me, and have the nerve to see me again! Haven't you been listening?"

"Yes, I have. And do you know what I hear?"

"What?"

"I hear a girl who is tired to being second in line. She's tired of watching her friends all pair up with people of the opposite sex. She feels left out and left behind. She wants to catch up, but she can't. And now, accidentally, the chance of a lifetime has come her way. She finds out that a well to do, good-looking fellow actually likes her. And he likes in a way that surpasses casual friendship. She seizes this opportunity, hoping and praying that it all works out. But the boy isn't willing to risk his friendship for this girl. She feels betrayed, hurt, and angry that nothing ever goes well for her. She thought that once, just this once, she could be put first. And now that it hasn't worked, she doesn't know where to turn. She's tired of living through others. She wants her own life. That is what I hear when I listen to you talk, Lily. Am I right?"

Lily looked up from the spot on the floor that she had been watching. A glistening tear fell from her cheek, softly leaving a trail of salty wetness on her visage. She nodded slowly, hating to admit that he was right. How does he know things about me that I don't even know? she wondered to herself.

"How did you know that?" asked Alice, unknowingly voicing Lily's concern. "How were you able to deduce all of that from what she just said?"

"I didn't," was the simple reply. "I've been watching you, Lily. When two of your best friends fancy the same girl, you watch her. You wonder if she's worth all of the fuss, and maybe even the test of friendship."

"I see," said Lily. "And what do you see in me, Lupin? What kind of girl am I?"

"I thought we just went over this," Remus said, his eyes twinkling.

"I mean...am I worth it?"

Remus regarded her seriously for a second. He stared straight into her eyes, as though trying to find an answer there.

After a moment he sighed, returning to his book. "I couldn't really tell you, Evans." He glanced back up at her, a slight smile playing across his lips. "I know too little about you."

Alice gave him a horrified You-Can't-Be-Serious look, but when he didn't look up again, both she and Lily knew the discussion was closed.

* * * * * * * * * * *

That night, as Lily drew her bed hangings around her, preparing for sleep, she glanced at herself in the mirror across the dormitory.

Her long, cherry red hair had become darker as she aged. Her mother used to describe it as the color of pale fire, but now it looked more like rust. Her eyes were almond-shaped and bright green reflected in the moonlight. She tried to look at herself from Lupin's point of view. Was she worth all the trouble? After all, she probably wouldn't marry either of them, especially not James. Why should she break up this friendship that would probably withstand decades? Because I'm tired of living through others, the words came unbidden to her mind, playing like a recording of Lupin's words. It's time I make something happen for me, she thought firmly. It's not my fault I don't like James Potter. I fancy Sirius Black, and it's time I did something about it. With that resolute thought, she closed her eyes, and sunk into her feather-soft bed. Feeling much more secure, she drifted into a dreamless exhausted sleep.