Could It Be Any Harder?

You left me with goodbye and open arms

A cut so deep I don't deserve

You were always invincible in my eyes

The only thing against us now is time

"I never truly said goodbye to you. I never really told you how much you truly meant to me. For twelve long years we were kept apart. I was sure I'd never see you again. It broke my heart that the last time we spoke was the night of their deaths. I never fully believed that it was you who murdered those people, you couldn't have done it. Your soul is too pure; you could never become a murderer. When I was informed you were taken to Azkaban without a trial I went straight to Dumbledore. I begged him to talk to Fudge, to at least give you a trial. But there was nothing he could do. As much as I believed him to be all-powerful, he was only the Headmaster, he had no place in government. As Peter did, I also knew you'd manage to escape. You could do anything you set your mind to. I'll never forget your unwillingness to ever give up. I'll carry that on in myself. I will fight to the death to preserve what we know as good. The rest of my days, I shall never let your memory be forgotten."

Could it be any harder

To say goodbye and without you

Could it be any harder

To watch you go

To face what's true

If I only had one more day

"I must be strong. I've always had to be strong. I was never the one to mourn or to show weakness. I'm the one everyone comes to, great wise Remus. He's so together, he's so brave and strong. His best friend died and he's never shown much emotion. In a way it's funny, how oblivious they are. Little do they know that every night I sit in my room, our room, and shake. Little do they know I'm a mess inside, inches from breaking. Watching you fall through that veil was a pain more than any I'd ever experienced before. It was more painful than a thousand transformations. If only we'd had a few more days, even just a few hours."

I lie down and blind myself with laughter

A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing

Now I wish that I could turn back the hours

But I know I just don't have the power

"I try to think of the good times. All of the full moon adventures in school and even our occasional trysts recently. Everyone says thinking about the good times will make the pain lessen but they know nothing. I think of all the good times we had and know we'll never have them again. I long so much to hear your laughter one more time. No one knows this, but after the Ministry was cleaned up and Harry was back at headquarters, I stole the cloak and went back to the Department of Mysteries. I sat in front of that veil, waiting. I wished with all my soul that you'd come walking out of it saying "Haha, Gotcha!" and joke with me about thinking you were really gone. I hope wherever you are, you know that if I could I would have died instead of you. Harry doesn't need an ex-teacher; he needs you, his godfather. If I could have prevented it all I would have, but I am a mere mortal, and can therefore do no such thing."

I'd jump at the chance

We'd drink and we'd dance

And I'd listen close to your every word

As if it's your last

I know it's your last

'Cause today, you're gone

"I remember clearly the night you showed up on my doorstep. I invited you in and you told me all the events of Harry's fourth year and Voldemort's rise over a bottle of wine. I could never figure out why you hadn't chose to stay with me instead of locked away in a cave on the edge of Hogsmeade. I listened intently, almost as if I'd never heard you speak before. I would give the world to hear your voice one last time, even if it was just to say goodbye."

Like sand on my feet

The smell of sweet perfume

You stick to me forever

And I wish you didn't go

I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away

To touch you again,

With life in your hands,

It couldn't be any harder

"I remember sitting at the edge of the lake over Christmas holidays, when James and Peter had gone home. We spoke of the future and a small cottage just outside of London, where one day we could live in peace. When we learned of James and Lily's engagement, I soon thought of their children coming to visit for a weekend. Coming to visit Uncle Padfoot and Uncle Moony. I would teach them all I knew about the world and how to be tolerant and not hate, and you would teach them every trick you knew and how to use the Map. I can still feel you Padfoot. I can feel you in the air, and especially at headquarters. I've spent very little time there since your death. I can't handle being in that house, a house that you hated so much. I still can't spend long hours there. I'm beginning to realize how you must have felt. You longed to escape but couldn't. You were trapped, like a prisoner in your personal hell, not able to do anything about it. I too know how that feels. Everywhere I go you're there. I'm trapped inside my own body, unable to escape and find you. I can still smell your hair on my pillow. I refuse to lay my own head on it, in fear that your scent will diminish."

"While cleaning, I found your old Hogwarts trunk and went through it. I hope you aren't upset with me. I had no idea you'd kept half of the things in there. All those photos, little Connor McNally loved to take pictures. I had forgotten we'd all posed after graduation, with the exception of Peter. I took that picture and it is sitting on my desk now. What a magnificent picture it is. The four of us, in one of our happiest moments. If I remember correctly, James proposed to Lily that night. It's beginning to get dark out. I'll have to go shortly but before I do, there are some last minute details you should know. There is a full investigation being put into action on your behalf. Fudge was reluctant, but with a dozen people defending you, even he thought it fair to investigate. Ministry officials are searching the country for Peter in hopes of capturing him and bringing him in for questioning. Your name is bound to be cleared soon. In case you can't see, you've been buried next to James, just as you two had always talked about, and when my time comes, I'll be right next to you also. Harry knows about us. I know that you were always fearful of him finding out. Although he was raised by absolutely wretched muggles, he was still brought up right and thinks nothing less of you or I. He was in your room and came across your journal. We all know how Harry is, and he read it. I had walked in while he was reading it and he questioned me about it. As we discussed it, he revealed to me that he had his suspicions. He said he was glad that you had someone to share your love with but wished you'd have told him. While on the subject of Harry, this may not be of comfort but I knew you'd want to know how he is. I've never seen him more upset. He had been sinking deeper and deeper into a depression until he came back to headquarters. With the muggles, he hadn't been able to share his grief with anyone. He arrived here and I thought it would be a good idea to speak with him. I'd never seen him cry like he did his first night here. He can feel you too, in the air, in that house. It's raining now so I fear I must go. As I said last week, and the week before, I will be back next week. Same time, same place. One last thing before I go."

Remus wiped the tears from his eyes and placed a small golden dog tag in the shape of a bone at the foot of Sirius' tombstone. The words became visible as lightning flashed in the distance. Padfoot and Moony forever.

"I love you Sirius. I will always love you." He said quietly. Remus Lupin stood up and again, wiped tears from his eyes, and in that moment, he could almost hear his best friend's voice. "I love you too Remus."