Proud Can I Never Be of What I Hate

Lily spent the remainder of her time at home doing - well, not doing that much, to tell the truth. She owled her girlfriends Chrissy, Jessica and Cass, talking about anything and everything that came to them. She didn't talk to any of them about Sirius; Jess and Cassie wouldn't give her any helpful answers and Chrissy would probably give her a solution that she really didn't want to hear but made perfect sense. Often these answers seemed perfectly plausible and sensible at the time but turned out to be totally the wrong thing to do. Of course, even without Chrissy's help (which most of the time was, annoyingly, very helpful), Lily could usually manage to mess things up perfectly well for herself.

She also spent time with her parents, helping her mother to clean and decorate the house, or lounging in the garden with her father. Petunia was out with Vernon most evenings, and sometimes during the day. This was a mixed blessing, as Petunia was capable of making Lily's home life unbearable, but at the same time Lily was convinced that, given the opportunity, she and her elder sister would be able to work things out and become the way they had always been before Lily got that fateful letter inviting her to Hogwarts. From that day onwards, the sisters' friendship had ended, and some combination of jealousy and superficiality had intervened, on Petunia's part at least.

Lily hated their arguments. Every time she would have to fight not to be reduced to tears. At first she had been unable to cope with it and had spent most of her first summer holiday from Hogwarts locked in her room, hoping that Petunia would leave her alone. Over time, though, she was becoming gradually immune to her sister's taunts and insults. This was helpful in that Lily was learning to block it out, but the less painful it got, the easier it became to forget, and the quicker they forgot how things should be, the quicker their relationship would sink beyond salvaging point.

The last, and most frequent, thing Lily would spend her time doing was to lay on her bed and stare out of an open window into the sky, thinking for hours about herself, the people around her, the people she cared about and what their futures would hold. She would dip in and out of books too, never quite able to concentrate on any plot. Being a muggle-born made it so much more difficult to accept storylines - muggle books seemed silly without magic, and magical stories seemed implausible. One of Lily's favourite pastimes was no longer as rewarding as it used to be.

Chrissy, her oldest friend other than Remus, was a pureblood and tended to be clueless of the prejudice witches and wizards like Lily faced. Of all the things Lily ever needed to talk about, this was the one Christina Marsden couldn't understand, however hard she tried. Lily had found that it was easier just to go elsewhere for a shoulder to cry on. Chrissy's sensitive nature couldn't stand not being able to help her friend, especially as she already seemed to be frustrated by everything else going on in her life. Chris was someone who didn't let things go easily: she got so mad at herself for upsetting people, which was obviously very frustrating for Lily to watch, and at the same time she was very loyal. If Chrissy cared about someone once, she would never really stop. This was both a good thing and bad. It meant that she took a long time to let go of boys she'd liked or mistakes that she'd made, but it also meant that if you annoyed her, she'd always stay friends with you. With Lily's temper, this was definitely an advantage in a best friend.

Carrie and Jess tended to be more understanding, but they were too perfect-seeming for Lily's liking. Both naturally slim and pretty, they had loving families, good grades and not a care in the world. Neither currently had boyfriends, which was good from Lily's point of view as that may just have made her spontaneously combust with envy. However hard she tried, Lily just couldn't be happy with herself.

She got good grades, great grades in fact. But they were just never good enough. Heather and Robert Evans had both graduated from Oxford where they met. In fact, they had both been each other's first serious relationship, so they were never really able to help Lily or Petunia with boy troubles either. In any other family, the girls would have helped each other, but not the Evans', sadly.

She also hated being friends with so many good looking people. Chrissy tended to be the one out of the four friends who got the most male attention, possibly because of her long legs, blonde hair and blue eyes, though it also seemed to have something to do with her apparently limitless self-confidence. Lily knew better than this though - underneath it all, Christina was one of the most insecure people Lily knew. But alongside her three friends, Lily always felt fat and frumpy.

Fat and frumpy were the wrong words though. It was more a case of being fatter and frumpier than her friends. She wasn't fat in any normal person's book, just compared to her friends. However, she couldn't help thinking that, no matter how she looked against most people, her friends would be the ones people would compare her with.

She never dwelt on this, though. Everyone had teenage insecurities. She spent her last day at home collecting together her Hogwarts things which had managed to spread themselves haphazardly around the house despite the fact that she only ever did her homework in her room.

On August 29th, Lily kissed goodbye to her parents and left a note to Petunia outside her bedroom door. She figured that it was always worth trying, and at least with a letter she couldn't be on the receiving end of a stream of abuse as usual when she tried to talk rationally to her sister.

Alexandra Lupin collected Lily, explaining that Remus was waiting at home for James to arrive, and took her home just in time for dinner. The Lupins, despite being a pureblood family, weren't very well off (although no one ever commented on this as Remus had enough problems to deal with already) so couldn't afford a house elf. Alexandra and Remus usually made a joint effort on meals, and whenever Remus's friends were staying with them, as was often the case, they would all pitch in.

That evening they were having spaghetti bolognese. Lily could smell it as soon as she walked through the door. Despite having just travelled on the Knight Bus, Lily's stomach rumbled and she breathed deeply, inhaling the appetising smell.

"Argh! Lupin, why'd you leave a poker there, of all places?"

"Yeah Moony, of all the stupid- hi, Evans." James Potter had just stumbled into the hallway from the living room, his messy black hair even more rumpled than usual and covered in soot. He pushed his glasses back up his nose and continued. "You okay? Your owl's doing fine, by the way."

"Ah, sweet Juliet..."

"Hi Sirius," Lily grinned. She turned back to Potter. "I'm fine thanks. How are you? And your mum?"

"We're good thanks. Moony, a word if you please?"

Lily could hear Remus sigh from inside the room. "Gladly, although you two are blocking the bloody doorway so I doubt I have any choice in the matter. Hi, Lils," he added as an afterthought.

She grinned again and was about to reply, but James had shut the door. "Where should I put my things, Alexandra?" She turned to Mrs Lupin.

"The usual guest bedroom, dear. You know the one?" Lily nodded and began heaving her heavy trunk up the stairs. She could still hear Sirius talking, however.

"Ah, Alex. Looking radiant as usual, if I may say so." Lily sighed. Only Sirius would think of calling Remus' mum Alex. He was as typically Sirius as usual, then.

"Sirius," Lily could hear the smile on Mrs Lupin's face. Everyone seemed to fall for Sirius' flattery. "Where are yours and James's things?"

"Oh," Sirius sounded a bit perturbed. "We're not staying. Not tonight anyway, I don't think."

"Why not? Are you both alright? Is Louisa okay?"

"Yeah, we're fine. It's just - well, you're probably best to wait for James."

Lily didn't bother listening any longer. It sounded like Potter and Sirius had got themselves into trouble over something. Probably left some Fillibuster's Fireworks in Mrs Potter's knife drawer or something equally stupid. She wondered why Remus hadn't told her Sirius would be coming though. He must have flooed from Potter's house. Ah well, it was a good thing really. She would have a chance to talk to him about why he never replied.

In fact, her chance came that evening after their delicious meal - the spaghetti had been followed by apple crumble and custard, one of Lily's favourites. Sirius headed upstairs alone and Lily followed. He seemed to realise he was being followed, as he turned around at the top of the stairs.

"Hi Lily." He hugged her as she reached the landing.

"Hello, Sirius. How are you?"

"Ah, can't complain. Yourself?"

"I'm great actually, especially after Alexandra's cooking."

"Ah yes, my darling Alex. How I've missed her..." Lily tried not to laugh as Sirius stroked his chin, pretending to be wistful.

"Sirius," she interrupted him. "We need to talk."

"Hmm? Oh, yes. Your room or mine?" He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Again, Lily fought not to laugh, but gave an exasperated sigh. "Seriously, Sirius."

"Yes, I'm serious. At your service. Your room or mine?"

"Mine," Lily decided. She pulled Sirius by the hand through the door of the Lupins' guest bedroom and he shut it behind them.

Lily looked at the floor, knowing that if she let herself look into Sirius' grey eyes she would never be able to scold him. "Sirius, I don't know what's going on. This was all okay when we were at Hogwarts, you and me I mean. But now - you haven't owled me since we got home for the summer. I've tried and I didn't get a reply. Remus said not to worry about it and that there's no problem, but it's not as easy as -" Lily tried to concentrate as Sirius played with her hair, twiddling it round his fingers and stroking the back of her neck. They were standing so close - he must have stepped closer as she spoke, as she now had no choice but to look into his eyes. Nevertheless, she tried to continue. This had been bothering her for nearly two months; she wasn't about to let it go now. "And now I - Sirius, are you listening to me?"

"No," he said, and silenced her with a kiss.

It wasn't like they hadn't kissed before. In fact, Lily couldn't remember where and when they had kissed, but this - this was different. Instead of Sirius' usual playfulness, there was something else behind it. He seemed more...needy, desperate. Not in a sexual way, but she could feel it. He was holding her so close, closer than he ever had done, and when they finally broke apart he didn't let go. They stood there, arms round each other, for what could have been forever if they hadn't been interrupted.

"Oy, Padfoot! What are you up to in there?" Lily could hear James's voice at the door.

"What do you bloody think I'm doing?" Sirius' gentleness was gone. He pulled away from Lily and opened the door. "What do you two mongrels want?"

"Come and play quidditch with me, Moony won't play."

Sirius looked back at Lily who was staring at the ground, and said, "Er - okay, then. I haven't been on a broom all summer, come to think of it." He and Potter left and Lily was left staring at the ground.

"Lily," She jumped. "Lily, what's up?" She heard Remus close the door and felt his hand on her waist, pushing her towards her bed.

"It's nothing," she heard herself say. "I'm fine."

"No you're not, Lils." He sat down on the bed beside her, his arm still round her waist. "What's he done now?"

She grinned, despite her annoyance. Remus always knew what was up with her, always. "Oh, nothing really, just - ARGH HE'S SO FRUSTRATING!"

"Ssh, keep it down, Lily, or they'll hear you from the flipping garden!"

"Sorry," she said at a normal volume. "I tried to talk to him; I tried to tell him how I feel about him, and ask him what was going on, but he wasn't listening! All he wanted to do was get off with me! Argh!"

For some reason, Lily was crying now. She couldn't stop herself. All the pent-up frustration of the summer was releasing itself and she had tears running down her cheeks. "Remus, what do I do? I like him, I really do, but when he won't listen to me, I wonder if it's worth it."

Remus sighed. This time he was the one staring at the ground. "Lily," he looked up at her, "there's something you need to know about Sirius."

Lily gulped, her tears slowing. "Oh God, he's not an escaped convict on the run from Azkaban, is he?"

Remus grinned. "Most things I wouldn't put past Sirius, but that? That's one thing I can never see happening." Lily grinned back. "Lils, has he ever talked to you about his family?"

Lily frowned. "No, he doesn't talk about much really." Now one lone tear was trickling down her cheek. She laid her head on Remus' shoulder and he moved his arm from her waist to her back. "Remus that tickles!" she giggled. "Stop it!"

She could feel him grinning. "Sorry. Well, you know his cousins?"

Lily racked her brains. "Oh yeah, Narcissa. And that other girl; what's her name? Bella, wasn't it?"

"Yep. Bellatrix and Narcissa Black. They've got another sister, Andromeda. And they're all going to be married to the up-and-coming Death Eaters of the future. Bellatrix is engaged to Rodolphus Lestrange, Narcissa has a thing for Lucius Malfoy, and Andromeda - well. She's been out of Hogwarts a few years now. She was supposed to be marrying some other Slytherin sod, but she eloped with a muggle-born."

"So -" Lily was finding this hard to take in. "Sirius's cousins are on Voldemort's side?"

"Not just his cousins. His whole family is," Remus said sadly. "He and Andromeda - they're the only decent ones of the bunch. She was a Slytherin so she didn't have any problems with her family until now, but Sirius -"

"- is a Gryffindor," Lily finished for him. "What about his parents, though?"

"They're as dark as the rest. Not Death Eaters, but as close as it gets. Sirius backed Andromeda up over her marriage and fell out with his parents big time. His mother being the woman she is, they threw curses and hexes and God knows what else at each other. He carried on living there, though, until something happened that was just the final straw, and he had to leave. He's staying with James now. He'll probably be living there until he's of age."

"Can he not go home ever?" Lily sounded shaken.

"No. His mother said -" Remus' voice cracked. "She said that if he ever enters that house again, she'll kill him."

"She can't mean that! He's her son!"

"No, she means it. She would kill him as soon as looking at him. As far as she's concerned, he's a traitor to the family name and doesn't deserve to live. His father threw him out with a bag of gold."

"Shit," Lily said. There didn't seem to be anything else she could say to convey her feelings about the situation. Fresh tears were streaming down her face and dripping onto Remus' blue shirt. "Sorry, Remus."

"Don't worry, I understand. It shocked me when I found out. I knew about his family being dark, of course - all purebloods know each other and most are related, so we all know things like that. But you wouldn't know, being muggle-born. I kind of forgot about his family when I met Sirius because he was so different from all of them, so it was a shock for me too when I realised how many problems Sirius really has with them." Lily nodded mutely. "James told me what happened earlier. I don't think Sirius is up to staying with us at the moment." She nodded again, understanding now why Sirius had acted the way he did.

"So that's why he was so - different. Desperate."

"Yes. Lily, you've got to be very careful with him. The only reason he's coping at the moment is because of James' family, because of his friends, and because of you. He needs you now. Whatever problems you have with him, try and understand that he can't help the way he acts sometimes and that arguing might be the worst thing you can do for him at the moment."

Lily was still crying, hating everything that Remus was saying. Although she knew he was right, this meant that she would have to put up with every little thing Sirius did, and - well, if she wanted to break up with him any time soon, it really wouldn't be an option.

Remus could obviously tell what she was thinking, because he said, "Lils, it's going to be hard for you, I know that, but you've got to be strong for his sake. It'll all work out eventually and you can make things work the way you want them to."

"Remus, just - can you leave me alone? I'll talk to you later."

Remus nodded and left her to it, shutting her bedroom door silently behind him. Lily lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling, not knowing whether to laugh or cry. Both seemed quite appealing.

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The next day, Lily woke up in a much better mood than she had finally gone to sleep in. She had realised that not being able to break up with Sirius didn't, and shouldn't, matter. She still cared about him, and she was going to help him by being argumentative as little as possible and by doing whatever would keep him happiest.

James and Sirius had decided to stay at Remus's after all, as Chrissy would be coming to stay on the night of the 31^st anyway, so they could all get together before school started. Since Lily was in a better mood, they spent the day in Diagon Alley, shopping for all their school stuff. After a morning together and lunch in the Leaky Cauldron, Lily and Sirius wandered off away from the others.

Lily's fingers were entwined with Sirius's, and his thumb gently stroked the back of her hand. She loved him when he was like this, sentimental and caring. He became so much more serious though, not the happy-go-lucky joker she had initially been attracted to. It could only be expected, she supposed. He was going through some rough times.

"Sirius, I need a new quill; can we go in here?" she motioned at a shop door just ahead of them.

"Of course." Sirius kissed Lily's cheek, making her smile. He disentangled his fingers from hers and slipped his arm round her waist as they turned into the shop. She thought wistfully of how lovely it was to be cherished like this.

As they came out of the shop, Lily holding another shopping bag containing three new quills and some coloured ink, Sirius turned and kissed her full on the mouth. Surprised, Lily moved her hand slowly up to rest on his shoulder. She pulled away gently, not fully comfortable with public kissing. She heard a snicker and the couple turned to find Lucius Malfoy, who had left Hogwarts the year before, and a bunch of his cronies staring at them.

"What's the matter?" Sirius scowled. "Can't get any yourself?"

"Quite the contrary, Black," Lucius sneered. "Like yourself, I have a gift with the ladies. I merely wondered why you picked a mudblood. She isn't rich, so in that case she must be a damned good shag. Remind me to borrow her off you sometime, if she isn't too filthy."

Sirius snarled, but Lily placed her arm on his hip and led him forcefully away. "Leave it Sirius, I'm not bothered. Everyone knows you're not like that."

Fuming, Sirius sat down at the nearest café table and Lily sat opposite him, dumping her many bags under the table. She took Sirius's hand and stroked the palm, trying as best she could to calm him down. He smiled weakly at her worried expression.

"Sorry Lils, they always get to me. Especially as I can't take anyone putting you down like that. You're worth so much more than everyone realises."

Lily was taken aback. She knew Sirius could be sweet, but he had never said anything quite so deep on the spur of the moment before. She felt herself smile shyly.

"Thank you."

They sat for a few moments gazing into each other's eyes before they were interrupted by James and Remus grabbing chairs plonking themselves down next to them. Lily sighed, wishing she and Sirius could have a little more time to themselves. Sirius held her gaze, apologising with his eyes. Lily smiled back at him, not blaming him in the least.

x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x0x

Lily was helping Alexandra lay the table that evening when Sirius poked his head around the door. "Could I borrow Lily for a minute, please?"

He gave one of his don't-you-just-love-my-adorable-little-face grins at Mrs Lupin and she said, "Of course you can, dear." As Lily looked back at her while being dragged out of the room by her boyfriend, Alexandra winked.

Sirius pulled Lily up the stairs and into the guest bedroom he was currently sleeping in. She raised an eyebrow at him and he shrugged, laughing.

"Just thought we could get some more time to ourselves. Since we were so rudely interrupted earlier, I mean." Sirius gave a cheeky grin.

"Sure. So what exactly did you have in mind?" she smirked.

Sirius grinned again. "This." He cupped Lily's chin in one hand and softly brushed his lips against hers. She kissed him again, fully this time. He ran his tongue slowly along her bottom lip, making her shiver. She could feel him grin at this. He did it again and Lily parted her lips so his tongue was in her mouth.

They didn't break contact as they sat down on Sirius' bed. His hands were on Lily's hips and she held the back of his neck with one hand, letting the other trail down his side. They kissed some more, Lily's hand caressing Sirius's shoulder; his chest. He gave a little moan and moved his hands to Lily's collar. Slowly, tantalisingly, he began to undo her shirt. Lily didn't mind - they had done this before. Right now, she just wanted all of Sirius that she had missed in the weeks they had spent away from each other.

Sirius slipped Lily's shirt off her shoulders and began to kiss her jaw, her neck, and nuzzled her collarbone. She wanted him to touch her, but she wanted to be careful not to lead him on. She couldn't have sex with him, not here in Remus' house. Not at all really - she wanted it but was scared. She knew she wasn't ready. She felt self-conscious, as she always did in any state of undress, but her feelings for Sirius overwhelmed that.

Sirius' hands moved to her jeans. Lily wanted to tell him no, that she didn't want that yet, but how would he take it? She didn't want to reject him. She tried not to think about it as he pulled at her jeans. She didn't want it, not now, but she did want him. But after all, what harm would it do? They had talked about it, jokingly in Lily's case, but if Sirius had taken it seriously she couldn't really back out now. Sirius felt Lily twitch beneath him, and he spoke for the first time since they had begun to kiss.

"You alright?"

Bloody great question to ask her, that. But Lily just nodded, not letting the pain she felt cross her face. The pain subsided soon enough, but she just couldn't get any pleasure from what he was doing. She had sworn not to hurt him though, and what harm could it do?

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"Lils, are you okay?" Chrissy asked for what must have been the tenth time that evening. It was the night before Hogwarts started again, and the boys had gone outside with Peter, who had arrived soon after Chrissy, to play quidditch.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine." Lily smiled at a totally unconvinced-looking Christina.

"Don't lie to me, Lily Evans. It's Sirius, isn't it?" Lily nodded mutely, knowing there was no point in arguing with Chrissy. She always worked it out sooner or later. "You shagged him, didn't you?"

"Yeah," Lily said quietly.

"Did you want to?"

"Yeah," Lily repeated.

"Wow, was it good?" Chrissy looked at Lily expectantly.

"Er...yeah." Lily didn't want to tell the truth. She would make both Sirius and herself look stupid, and she didn't want to tell anyone about her feelings afterwards, feelings of being used, feeling dirty and wretched. She didn't blame Sirius - it wasn't his fault. She never said no. But she couldn't look him in the eye now. Every kiss was cold to Lily. Evidently Sirius hadn't noticed, as he seemed happier than ever.

"Well, seeing as you don't want to tell me about that," for once Chrissy hadn't picked up on Lily's misery, "let's talk about something else. I'll get the juicy details out of you later."

'What juicy details?" Lily thought, but said, "Okay. How's your situation with Remus?"

It was Chrissy's turn to look miserable now. "What situation? There's never going to BE a situation. Let's face it, I messed up back in second year and now I'm screwed. He may be my friend but he's never forgiven me for that."

Lily sighed. Much as she hated to admit it, Chrissy was probably right. It was a shame, as her and Remus were so perfect for each other. "Don't be negative about it, Chris. Things will work out, one way or the other. They always do. Second year was second year. Everyone's stupid in second year." Normally, Lily would be better at comforting her best friend, but tonight she just wasn't up to it.

"I guess." Chrissy didn't sound remotely convinced. "Anyway, how's it been here? Fun?"

"Yeah, it's been okay. Sirius and Potter have been here as long as I have, so it's been the four of us."

"Must've been pretty funny." Lily shrugged and grinned. She hadn't really noticed what was going on most of the time. "You guys getting on alright together then?"

"I guess so. Me and Remus always do. It's different with Sirius now we're going out, which is weird, and I hardly know Potter."

"Hmm. You should get to know James better, he's a really great guy."

"Yeah, maybe."

"And cute."

"Mm."

"And I'm having his baby."

"Yeah, cool."

"But I may sell it on a street corner or offer it to Snape for adoption."

"Good idea."

"Lily, wake up! Sirius wasn't that good, was he?"

Lily heard this and blushed, but for a completely different reason to the one Chrissy was envisioning.

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"What's up? Still thinking about Remus?" Lily asked Chrissy.

"Yeah. I know I shouldn't, but I care about him so much. He's so perfect, everything about him. And I can't help thinking that I'll never get the chance to be with him. I don't think he's ever forgiven me for how I hurt him. I know he can be nice sometimes, and I just light up whenever he speaks to me, or even if he glances in my direction. What can I do, Lil?"

"I really don't know. There's no easy answer, though. If you really like him this much, there must be a good reason for it. I know people have told you to give up on it, but I don't think you should. Not until you're sure that's what you want to do. And at the moment I know you're not sure. If you wanted to get over him, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"I know. I know that and it's killing me. I want this to be over but I can't stop leading myself on. I can't stop kidding myself that there's a chance. A chance that he's forgiven me, that he still loves me. But how could he? After I've hurt him this much, there's no way he could still feel anything but hatred for me. If I was him, I'd never speak to me again. How could I have been so stupid? Stupid stupid STUPID!"

"Honey, it's not your fault. Everyone makes mistakes and not all those mistakes were yours. He'll see that. He's such a sweet and caring guy that he couldn't possibly blame you for all that happened between you. You were both young and, even if you'd done what he'd been hoping you would, there's no way of knowing if it could ever have worked out."

"But what if it had worked out? We could have got married and had babies and grown old together."

"And opened a llama farm."

"Yeah...WHAT? Llamas? Where did that come from?"

"Oh, nothing. Anyway, you were twelve. Like twelve year olds would be having babies and opening a llama farm."

"I know we were twelve, and I know it was all so stupid, but he'll never see it that way."

The two girls lay in silence, looking up at the ceiling which was decorated, like the great hall at Hogwarts, to look like the sky outside. This ceiling, however, showed random weather rather than the real weather outside. No one knew what spells the Founders had used, but no one had ever been able to reproduce them. Tonight the ceiling was cloudy and the wind caused the clouds to race across the half moon, casting shadows across the girls' faces, Lily's head lying on Christina's stomach..

"Do you believe in destiny?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I want to believe in it because then I wouldn't have to regret anything that had happened between me and...between me and Remus. I'd know that, whatever happened, we might be destined for each other. But what if we weren't? I'd spend my whole life dreaming of him when it could never happen because I was meant to be with someone else. One thing I do believe in is soul mates. Finding that one person who makes you feel complete."

"Would you know? If you met your soul mate?"

"I don't know. I'd like to think I would. Eyes across a crowded room, love at first sight..." She neglected to say, 'I think I already have.'

"Is it pointless then, being in other relationships? If you feel nervous or afraid, or...lonely. Should you give up on it?"

"I suppose you should. But what if you made a mistake? You can't kiss every guy in the world until you meet the one."

"And what if it's not that obvious? What if you have to try for it? Imagine giving up on a relationship when it could have turned into the sort of love that lasts forever."

"Forever and a day."

"Why a day?"

"Lily, you just ruined it. That was a poetic moment and you had to go and mess it up by questioning my poeticosity and geniusness."

"Oh."

"Seriously though, if you thought like that you'd never want to let someone go. Imagine the pain and loneliness you could endure while hanging on for something that probably wouldn't ever come."

Lily was quiet.

"Lils?"

"Mm?"

"What are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking...someone once told me that the man you marry will be a man you met in your schooldays. And he'll be a man you found without having to look for him."

"Strange."

"Why do you say that?"

"It's true. Most couples I know have known each other for years before they finally get together."

"But what about the ones that haven't? There are a lot more that never met each other until halfway through their lives."

"Maybe they didn't, though. Maybe they met each other years before and never knew it."

"Like long lost...long lost soul mates."

"Yeah. Just like that."

"You and Remus...maybe you're meant to be."

"I hope so. I really do. I don't know why I feel like this about him, it's so stupid."

"You'll meet each other again at sixty after both your marriages fail, and you'll leap into each other's arms and live together until the ripe old age of seven hundred and seventy. And it's not stupid, Chris. Just...love."

"Love? Lily, I don't love him."

"I think you do."

"Well I think I don't."

"If you say so."

"I do."

Another few minutes passed, in which the moon grew brighter and the stars became visible, twinkling on the black satin sheet that was the sky.

"Do you love Sirius, Lils?"

"I - No. I don't. At least, I don't think so."

"Lily."

"Yes?"

"If you don't love him, why have sex with him?"

"Why not?" A stupid answer, she knew, but she didn't want to give an honest one.

"Do you really think that way?"

"I guess so."

"Does he love you?"

"I don't know." Another lie. Lily couldn't face admitting that she had lied to Sirius and told him she loved him when he said the same to her. A pang of guilt hit her. But how else could she act? To not reply would have hurt him so badly, and that was the last thing she wanted to do.

"Have you ever wondered if you're just in love with the idea of being in love?"

"The idea of being in love...how can you feel the same way about that as about a person? The idea of love can't make you feel better about anything."

"But it can. Love can excuse almost anything, and the idea of being in love soothes guilt about -- about whatever anyone might have done."

Lily knew Chrissy wasn't hinting anything about her and her relationship with Sirius, but she still couldn't bring herself to answer this. She wasn't pretending to love him, she just wasn't quite sure yet. She was sure she loved him, but it wasn't that simple. She hadn't seen him in so long - how was she supposed to know? She sighed.

"Chris, how do you really feel about Remus?"

"Remus...he's just perfect. In every way. Even if he ignores me or is mean or when he gets all stressed out over nothing, I think it's amazing."

"That's what love is."

"That's part of what love is. The other part is having it reciprocated."

"I guess."

"Is that how you feel about Sirius?"

"I don't - I don't know. I'm tired. I think I'd better sleep - school tomorrow."

"Night, babe."

Lily threw herself onto her own bed. "Sweet dreams."

"Ice creams."

Lily smiled, but it was a long time after Chrissy's gentle snores began that Lily finally drifted into a fretful sleep.